The Dream

I dreamt about you again last night. This time around we were in junior high, awkwardly standing next to each other in the play yard. We were the last two people waiting to be chosen by team captains for dodge ball. We decided to forgo the agonizing process and formed our own team. There was a resulting ruckus and we were expelled. We found it nice not to have to go to school anymore.

Hey...

Hey. I can hear you breathing through the screen. I think you are a naturally heavy breather because the screen is fogged up.

Midge

Brooks Palmer is a lyin' fool. I write all his blog posts. I'm Midge the Hedgehog, the brains behind this operation. Just to give you the real Magoo, Brooks is currently facing the corner of the room, trying to walk forward, wondering aloud why he can't.

An honest look

This is what I look like around midnight. I like to stay up that late now and then just to get another glimpse.

Sweet

I wrote you this song:

"Oh well, well, well,
I saw you watering the cactus,
You are most kind,
But the cactus was the soda drinking kind.

They're called Sweet-Tooth Needlers,
They grew by accident under a dripping Fanta dispenser,
They're sweeping the nation,
inspired by the illustrious sweetness hallucinations.

So find a can,
and do what you can,
that's all,
I'm out of rhymes.

The Ghost of M. Curie

The ghost of scientist Madam Curie happened by. I said I knew who she was without an introduction.

The ghost of Curie was delighted and did a pantomime waltz.

When she finished, we sat in silence. An hour went by. I found that I was no longer thinking of her as a famous ghost. She was just another someone. Me too.

That was rare. It's the same feeling I get about the trees after I've been in the woods for a while.

The Dust

The dust approached my home. I said, "I've been expecting you."

The dust said, "Drat, I was hoping to be a surprise."

The dust engulfed my home. Pretty soon I couldn't see myself.

I said, "I can't tell where you end and I begin."

The dust let out a pleased sigh.

What I Use to Write These

This is what I use to write my Better Late than Dead blog posts. I find it helps me be more honest about what's going on because it's loud, ominous, and requires heft in order to type. I hand the finished paper to my assistant Burt. Burt then types it onto the computer. Burt thinks I'm a fool. But I'm paying him $18 an hour, so he readily completes the task.

Copper

I used to be underground as copper. Life was simpler because I was never handled. I enjoyed living amidst the dirt.

But then occasionally I was interfered with by a worm. Worms are despicable creatures who have not a thought about what they tread on. Everything is a stepping stone to get to what they want. They offend and madden me...Perhaps it's better being a penny.

Smote!

God and I went for a walk out in the countryside. 

I asked what makes God angry. God thought about it for a moment and then declared, "Lemons!" 

I pointed to a lemon grove off in the distance. God smote the grove with the full power of the universe. 

After which the air was permeated with a refreshing lemon aroma.

Finally

This is the best thing I've ever written.

Fermi

The ghost of Enrico Fermi came by to visit while I was taking my daily laying on the couch and looking up blankly at the ceiling time. 

I asked the ghost of Fermi what he was holding. 

Fermi's ghost said, "It's a bottle of the finest quantum foam." 

I asked if I could have some. Fermi poured me a glass and I took a sip. It tasted like I was drinking a cloud's antenna monocle dream setback appeased.

The Conversation

I said to the cloud, "What you are doing being down there?" 

The cloud said, "I'm not, fool." 

I said, "But it's what I'm seeing." 

The cloud said, "Dude, you're looking in a puddle." 

I touched the cloud with my toe and it rippled. 

The puddle said, "Hey, what's the big deal?!"

You!

You stopped by and I drew your picture because you look so la-lo-frick-a-dee!!