Sweet

I wrote you this song:

"Oh well, well, well,
I saw you watering the cactus,
You are most kind,
But the cactus was the soda drinking kind.

They're called Sweet-Tooth Needlers,
They grew by accident under a dripping Fanta dispenser,
They're sweeping the nation,
inspired by the illustrious sweetness hallucinations.

So find a can,
and do what you can,
that's all,
I'm out of rhymes.

The Ghost of M. Curie

The ghost of scientist Madam Curie happened by. I said I knew who she was without an introduction.

The ghost of Curie was delighted and did a pantomime waltz.

When she finished, we sat in silence. An hour went by. I found that I was no longer thinking of her as a famous ghost. She was just another someone. Me too.

That was rare. It's the same feeling I get about the trees after I've been in the woods for a while.

The Dust

The dust approached my home. I said, "I've been expecting you."

The dust said, "Drat, I was hoping to be a surprise."

The dust engulfed my home. Pretty soon I couldn't see myself.

I said, "I can't tell where you end and I begin."

The dust let out a pleased sigh.

What I Use to Write These

This is what I use to write my Better Late than Dead blog posts. I find it helps me be more honest about what's going on because it's loud, ominous, and requires heft in order to type. I hand the finished paper to my assistant Burt. Burt then types it onto the computer. Burt thinks I'm a fool. But I'm paying him $18 an hour, so he readily completes the task.

Copper

I used to be underground as copper. Life was simpler because I was never handled. I enjoyed living amidst the dirt.

But then occasionally I was interfered with by a worm. Worms are despicable creatures who have not a thought about what they tread on. Everything is a stepping stone to get to what they want. They offend and madden me...Perhaps it's better being a penny.

Smote!

God and I went for a walk out in the countryside. 

I asked what makes God angry. God thought about it for a moment and then declared, "Lemons!" 

I pointed to a lemon grove off in the distance. God smote the grove with the full power of the universe. 

After which the air was permeated with a refreshing lemon aroma.

Finally

This is the best thing I've ever written.

Fermi

The ghost of Enrico Fermi came by to visit while I was taking my daily laying on the couch and looking up blankly at the ceiling time. 

I asked the ghost of Fermi what he was holding. 

Fermi's ghost said, "It's a bottle of the finest quantum foam." 

I asked if I could have some. Fermi poured me a glass and I took a sip. It tasted like I was drinking a cloud's antenna monocle dream setback appeased.

The Conversation

I said to the cloud, "What you are doing being down there?" 

The cloud said, "I'm not, fool." 

I said, "But it's what I'm seeing." 

The cloud said, "Dude, you're looking in a puddle." 

I touched the cloud with my toe and it rippled. 

The puddle said, "Hey, what's the big deal?!"

You!

You stopped by and I drew your picture because you look so la-lo-frick-a-dee!!

Shiva

I was sitting in my office when Shiva, the creator and destroyer of all that exists showed up.

I'm not good with celebrities, so I tried to introduce myself, but I mumbled something unintelligible.

Shiva said, "What? I can't understand you."

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

Shiva said, "You have nice teeth."

I got all excited and somehow said, "Really?"

Lunch with Walt

I had lunch with the ghost of Walt Disney. In a desperate effort to relate to him, I said that I like to be creative too. I told him about one of my recent Better Late than Dead blog posts.

The ghost of Walt said, "Yes, but those highfalutin days are behind me. Now I roam the Earth as a phantom, beholding the Creator's unending and multifarious manifestations."

I gave up and sulked head first on the table.

The ghost of Walt said, "Behold, despair!"

The Holland Tunnel

God and I took our monthly walk through the Holland Tunnel in NYC. We had to speak loudly due to the traffic noises. People like to honk to get God's attention.

I asked God if we could move our walks to a less noisy location in the future because being quieter is more spiritual.

Just then a truck blared it's horn as the driver waved frantically at God and howled out the window like a mad wolf.

God said, "That, my friend, is spiritual."

A Place for Everything

I found a pair of false teeth on the ground. I looked around to see if anyone was looking for them. 

That's when I saw the owl up in the tree looking back at me. The owl had no expression on its face. 

I picked up the set of teeth and tossed them up in the air. The owl alit from the tree, flew towards the teeth, and opened its mouth, catching the teeth. The owl flew back to the tree. 

The owl looked at me and smiled.