Shiva

I was sitting in my office when Shiva, the creator and destroyer of all that exists showed up.

I'm not good with celebrities, so I tried to introduce myself, but I mumbled something unintelligible.

Shiva said, "What? I can't understand you."

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

Shiva said, "You have nice teeth."

I got all excited and somehow said, "Really?"

Lunch with Walt

I had lunch with the ghost of Walt Disney. In a desperate effort to relate to him, I said that I like to be creative too. I told him about one of my recent Better Late than Dead blog posts.

The ghost of Walt said, "Yes, but those highfalutin days are behind me. Now I roam the Earth as a phantom, beholding the Creator's unending and multifarious manifestations."

I gave up and sulked head first on the table.

The ghost of Walt said, "Behold, despair!"

The Holland Tunnel

God and I took our monthly walk through the Holland Tunnel in NYC. We had to speak loudly due to the traffic noises. People like to honk to get God's attention.

I asked God if we could move our walks to a less noisy location in the future because being quieter is more spiritual.

Just then a truck blared it's horn as the driver waved frantically at God and howled out the window like a mad wolf.

God said, "That, my friend, is spiritual."

A Place for Everything

I found a pair of false teeth on the ground. I looked around to see if anyone was looking for them. 

That's when I saw the owl up in the tree looking back at me. The owl had no expression on its face. 

I picked up the set of teeth and tossed them up in the air. The owl alit from the tree, flew towards the teeth, and opened its mouth, catching the teeth. The owl flew back to the tree. 

The owl looked at me and smiled.

The Writer

I was walking alone through the woods when I came upon Ichabod Crane. I could tell he was feeling bummed and I asked what was up. 

Ichabod said, "I wish my life were a better place to live." 

I said that it wasn't up to him but to the writer Washington Irving. 

Ichabod went on to say, "Oh, but my heart breaks over the loss of the affections of Katrina Van Tassel." 

I said again that none were to blame but Mr. Irving and the strokes of his pen. 

Ichabod said, "But are you too beholdened to the imaginings of Mr. Irving?" 

I said that I was unfortunately bound to an unknown author.

The Ride

In the morning, I got on my turtle to ride into town. By the time I got to town, it was night and everything was closed. I turned my turtle around to go back home. 

My turtle said, "Why don't you just get a car?" 

I said that I like to travel more naturally. 

My turtle said, "But then things like this happen." 

I said that I didn't mind because I liked our time together. 

The turtle said, "Sure, that makes sense."

Helpful

I like to eat a stick of butter a day. It has a naturally calming effect. Today however is looking like a nine-stick-of-butter day.

The Block of Concrete

I found a new place to sit and write my blog posts. 

The only thing is, this block of concrete comments on whatever I'm writing. Just now it said, "Why don't you write about pudding? No one writes about pudding anymore."

The Reason

I'm angry and I don't know why. Oh, yeah, I'm out of carrots.

Favorite Passage

My favorite passage from the Bible is when God says, "Why are you reading the Bible? Why aren't you outside?"

Here

Hi. I'm glad you're here. You're hereness is the best thing about you.

Space

I was all excited because in today's mail I got the hyper-space drive for my rocket ship. The box said it allows a person to skip three galaxies at a time. My heart was beating fast because I could now go further than I'd ever space-ventured before. 

So I installed the drive, got in my rocket ship and took off into space. I hit the hyper-space drive and my rocket ship shot into the distance. 

Stars were sailing by my window, until I slammed into something. I put on my spacesuit and got out to see what had happened. Lo and behold, I'd smashed into the end of space!

Speaking at the RNC

I spoke at the Republican Convention Thursday. I talked about how nice it was to be in Cleveland again. I went to high school there.

Then I pushed the button on the podium that released all the balloons from the ceiling. A few people off to the side of the stage were upset at me because the balloons were supposed to be released when Trump gave his speech.

But the audience loved it and didn't care.

Things Explained

Helpful Info

Door art, because sometimes you need to know what to do when you leave the room.