Ride

I was feeling kind of riled up about something ridiculous, and I got in my car and started driving. 

After many miles I got to South Dakota and saw Mt. Rushmore from the road. 

The face of Teddy Roosevelt looked down and said, "Where you going?" 

I said I didn't know. 

The face of Teddy Roosevelt said, "Can I come with you?" 

I said sure. 

The face of Teddy Roosevelt didn't fit in the car, so I strapped him to the roof. It dented the roof a little, but it was nice to have the company.

Paper

I was reading the Sunday New York Times, when the paper suddenly woke up. It last remembered being a tree and asked me what was going on.

I explained that it had been cut down, turned into pulp, and then converted into a newspaper.

The paper took it hard.

My co-dependency led me to take the paper outside, dig a hole in the ground, role the paper up, and stick it vertically in the hole.

I stood back and said, "There you go."

The paper said, "Really?!"

Peace of Mind?

I was feeling too internet needy. So I took my rocket ship to the Moon because the extremely weak wi-fi signal up there doesn't make it worth going online.

I had to take a two-and-a-half hour walk on the Moon to soothe my jangly nerves.

Finally I felt peaceful.

But then I kind of messed things up by coming back to Earth so I could send you this post.

Quarter!

Yesterday, I spontaneously turned into a quarter.

I spent some time in warm pockets. I was tossed into a pile of other (smelly) quarters in a cash register drawer. And once I was accidentally dropped on the sidewalk, and I got stepped on a lot, but was never injured.

At one point, I ended up in the change return part of a pay phone. I didn't know pay phones even existed anymore!

Change of Seasons

I woke up to discover snow in my front yard.

I went outside and asked the snow to leave. The snow said it wasn't going anywhere.

I went back out to my garage and got out a can of gasoline and a pack of matches. I came back to the front yard, poured the gasoline on the snow, and lit it with a match.

The snow caught fire and melted. There was nothing left but smouldering, blackened grass.

I love springtime!

Safe House

For the past eleven years, I've been letting turkeys hide out in my basement for the two weeks preceding Thanksgiving.

Yesterday, the turkeys left the safe haven of my basement. It was curt goodbyes as we were all tired of each other's company.

But then today I was out shopping at Kresge's, and I came upon one of the turkeys pushing a shopping cart, and when our eyes met, we hugged and couldn't stop sobbing.

Movie Night!

Last night I went to a movie with the Sun. We saw Interstellar. Tuesday night is our movie night.

Some guy in front of us kept checking and sending texts during the movie. The brightness distracted us.

The Sun finally leaned forward and asked the guy to stop texting. The guy murmed, "What an asshole" and sent another text.

The Sun sent out a flare into space which knocked out all the telecommunications satellites, and the guy's phone went dead.

We enjoyed the rest of the movie.

The Visitor

This morning my future self visited me via a time machine.

The future Brooks had a full head of dark hair, no wrinkles or scars, and a happy attitude. The future me said they figured out how to make everyone better in all ways.

I got excited and said I can't wait for the future.

And then I thought about it and said if the future was so exciting, why would I come back and visit myself.

The future me said, "I missed you."

Felix

I found out I'm allergic to cats.

I told my cat, Felix. I said I would start taking Benadryl.

My cat, Felix, is a people pleaser. So he went online to amazon and ordered a a plastic suit that covers his entire body. The company that sells it is called Obey!

Felix got the suit today. He is wearing it around the house. It has a mini snorkel so he can breathe.

Safe House

Every year I make my home a safe house for wild turkeys. Turkeys come to my door and ask for refuge till the day after Thanksgiving. So far there are 13 turkeys hiding out in my basement.

Last night we watched the movie The Godfather. After the movie, one of the turkeys said, "Wow, you guys hunt each other too!"

Clutter Busting audio book now available!!

In my other life, I'm a Clutter Buster. I help people let go of clutter from their lives. I wrote a book about how to remove clutter from your life. It's called, Clutter Busting: Letting Go of What's Holding You Back. It's now available as a download, read by yours truly! Click on me to order your copy today! PS - that mic was once used by Frank Sinatra!

Life

Life was never meant to be easy.

It's just nice to imagine it could be.

Seeds

I filled up the bird feeder with seeds. I went inside and sat by the window, waiting.

About a half-hour later a bird flew down onto the feeder and partook.

The bird noticed me and said, "Hello."

I opened the window and said, "It's freezing out. There's no food anywhere but here. I don't understand why you wouldn't be waiting by this bird feeder all day long for it to get filled. If I found a box stuffed with hundred dollar bills, I'd never leave the box. I wouldn't sleep so I could be awake when the box gets filled again."

The bird said, "Isn't it enough that you're talking with a bird?"

Star

I sat out on the lawn, looking up at the night sky.

I noticed a star wink at me. I actually turned around to look behind me.

The star said, "No, you idiot, it's you."

Woods

I was walking through the woods when I happened upon a grizzly bear, sitting on a log, and eating honey from a bee hive.

I was startled.

The bear said, "Hi, don't be scared, I'm not going to eat you. Would you like some honey?"

I said, "I'm not scared of you, but I'm allergic to bee stings, and no."

I could tell the bear's feelings were hurt. I felt badly and kept walking.

This sucked because I went to the woods to get away from feeling shitty.