Put in Perspective

I took a stroll across the White House lawn with President Obama.

While Obama looked away for a second, I picked my nose. He looked back to catch me in mid-pick. I was embarrassed and apologized.

President Obama said not to worry, that everyone picks their nose, even him. He said it's natural because the holes in our nose are finger-sized.

Flying

I got on an airplane. I brought my pet rhino Claudius. I had the aisle seat, Claudius had the middle seat. 

Claudius has a tiny bladder and had to get up and use the restroom often. After the fifteenth time getting up, I got angry at Claudius. Claudius' feelings were hurt. 

The undercover TSA agent asked me to apologize.

Filled

I dug a three foot hole in my backyard. I didn't know what to do with the hole and left it empty.

The next day it rained. The hole filled up with water. A family of ducks moved in.

I went outside and brought the ducks some bread crumbs. They thanked me.

I jumped in the pond with the ducks and made quacking sounds.

Learning

I took my pet snail Simon for a walk. It teaches me patience. 

Not because he walks so slowly. But when he talks he takes so long to get to the point.

Life springs from the Universal Turd. We all need the fertilizer.

Reunion

I ran into some of my old thoughts. They were, "Oh, I love Oreos! I can't get enough of them!"

 

I apologized because I no longer eat sweets. 

 

The thoughts said not to worry, it was just nice to see me.

Beginner

Hey, today is my first time as a Wednesday. I'm worried that I'm gonna suck. Can you please hold my hand throughout the day? Thanks!

Inventory

I assembled all my pets in the living room, Vic the Cheetah, Ollie the Skunk, Chaz the Rhino, and Bill my cat. 

The meeting was to discuss the disappearance of Sally the Ant. 

Chaz the Rhino lifted her foot and lo and behold there was a flattened Sally. 

Jesus

I sat on the rocks by the lake today with the ghost of Jesus. 

I said, "When you were a carpenter, did you take off Labor Day?"

Listening

I was playing my guitar when it stopped mid-song and told me that it wanted to go back to being a tree.

I want my guitar to be happy, so I dug a hole in my backyard and put the tuning end in the ground and packed dirt around it.

Yesterday a branch appeared from the guitar's body. There was the tiniest blossom.

It Helps to Ask

I had tea with David Bowie at his home.

I said, "I like birds. Do you like birds?"

David Bowie said, "Yes, I do like birds."

We sat quietly for a while.

Just then a duck flew by the window. David Bowie got up quickly, grabbed a rifle from his gun cabinet, opened the window, took aim, and shot the duck. The duck landed in the back yard.

David Bowie whistled for his dog, Homer. Homer ran into the room, jumped out the window and retrieved the duck. David Bowie had his butler bring the duck to the kitchen and prepare it for lunch.

Unforgetable

I went for a walk with the ghost of singer Nat King Cole. 

I asked if now that he's dead if he ever feels sad. He said yes. 

He said though yesterday he was haunting someone's house and came upon a marshmallow. He said he never felt so happy.

If You Give It Some Time

A cloud appeared outside my apartment window. The cloud asked if I would like to go for a ride. I said yes. I climbed out my window and got on the cloud.

The cloud took me over the city. Soon the cloud went out over the sea. Eventually the cloud reached a cruise ship. I asked the cloud to let me off. The cloud stopped and I got off onto the ship.

I walked around the deck. One of the crew told me that dinner was being served and pointed me towards the dinning hall. I went to the hall, got a plate of food, sat down, and enjoyed the meal. 

Afterwards a band began to play. I wanted to dance but didn't know anyone on the ship to dance with. I looked over to another table and saw the cloud that originally brought me. The cloud nodded at me. I nodded back. I mouthed, "Would you like to dance?"

A Lift

I hitchhiked a ride from a turtle. The turtle was driving an Eldorado convertible. 

The turtle asked me where I was going. 

I said to the creek. 

The turtle said, "Me too!"

Why I Was So Tired

I stood on the end of the pier looking into the ocean.

A whale came up to the surface and asked if I wanted to go for a ride.

I said okay. I jumped off the pier and onto the whale's back. The whale swam away from the pier.

I stayed dry as the whale swam for hours.

The whale eventually returned to the pier. Some people on the pier formed a human chain and helped me get off the whale and back up onto the pier.

I thanked the whale for the ride. The whale said I was welcome and swam into the ocean.

I went home and fell asleep early.