I'm Too Sensitive

I was standing in line at Target. I noticed that God was standing in front of me. I get nervous around celebrities. I think they want privacy, but then I heard some of them like when you say hi and compliment them on their work.

Like an idiot, I nervously said, "Um, I like your work."

God turned around, smiled, and said, "Oh, thanks."

I looked down and said, "I'm sorry."

God said, "For what?"

I said, "I'm bugging you."

God created a thunder crack and said, "WELL, THEN DON'T DO IT AGAIN!"

I started to cry.

God said, "Hey, I was just kidding."

Electro-genetics!

My father is a lightning bolt. Growing up I only got to see him during storms. And then only briefly.

My mother was a human being. She loved storms. They met out in a field during a weather event.

I'm a human being. I don't have any lightening qualities. But I have the special skill of not being able to be electrocuted. When I was two I stuck my finger in an electric socket and nothing happened.

When I grew up, I got a job as an electrician. I think it's my way of feeling closer to my dad.

Oh, well

When I was born, I was handed the Life Manual. 

The thing is, I couldn't read. So I used it for teething. 

By the time of my first day in Kindergarten, the Life Manual was reduced to a wad of paper chewing gum that my teacher made me spit out.

It Helps to Know

I said to my dog Rexy, "Sometimes I feel like I've been around forever." 

My dog Rexy said, "I think that's what makes you such a great procrastinator."

Reasonable Conclusion

I was standing in line at the unemployment office. Because of the inertia brought on from not working, I soon forgot why I was standing in line.

I noticed people standing in front of me, as well as behind. I felt the heat of the florescent lights above us. I noticed that the line was curved slightly in places. I thought that maybe we were a snake in a cage. I felt hungry and was excited at the prospect that we would soon be fed a mouse!

Our Special Day

I was flying the rent-a-copter with my dog Rexy when the propeller fell off. We gave each other one of those, "Oh, Geez! Now what?" looks. We plummeted.

About a 1000 yards from the ground, a flock of pelicans flew by and offered us a ride. We accepted and rode away in the pelicans' throat pouches.

As the helicopter hit the ground and exploded, my dog Rexy began to sing, "Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in the surrey, when I take you out in the surrey with the fringe on top!"

It's Hard to Understand

At last night's Thank Friday It's Not God party, we got out the Ouija board. 

The planchette spelled out, "Beware of the cookies." We had a good laugh until the cookies on the snack table got up and walked out. 

 It's like Bob Dylan sang, "It's a wonder we can even feed ourselves."

Puzzled

I was resting on my boat out on the lake, when a shark came by and said, "Would you like to join me for a swim?"

I said, "No."

The shark said, "Can I rest with you on your boat then?"

I said, "Sure."

The shark climbed on the boat and lay next to me.

The shark put its fin on my hand. It was rough. I wondered how it ever became an ingredient in soup.

I Can't Help It

I looked directly into the Sun.

The Sun said, "Dude, you shouldn't do that."

I said, "I know, but you're so cute."

The Sun said, "Really, you think so?"

A Trick of the Tale

I lay in bed, looking out at the moon, when I felt the air crackle and pop as the room disappeared and I fell in time. It reminded me of the photos of cats falling. It's a limp readiness. Until you land, there's nothing you can do.

Suddenly I fell into a drum set in a recording studio. What a sound! I imagined it was like a moose accidentally running into a drum kit.

The drummer was yelling at me. I recognized him as Phil Collins. It was long ago because he still had hair. It turns out it was the rock group Genesis recording an album. Peter Gabriel was looking at me from a chair. He also had hair. A full head of hair on a now-bald person looks like a hat.

I told them I'm from the future. I found that it's best to be matter-of-fact when arriving slapdashidly as a time-traveler. At first people are like, "What?", but then, "Of course."

The Visitors

I built a fire in my backyard. I watched the smoke trail up into the night sky.

A flock of crows flew over my backyard and started coughing. They couldn't fly and crash landed on my lawn.

I gathered up the coughing and dazed crows and wrapped them in a blanket. I went inside and heated up a bottle of warm milk. I brought it out along with a dropper. I fed each of the crows warm milk with the dropper.

After about a half hour, the crows stopped coughing and were feeling better.

I apologized for the smoke. The crows said not to worry. The crows asked if they could stay the night. I said yes.

We all went inside and climbed into bed. The warmth from the crows made it so that I didn't need to turn on my electric blanket.

What Would I Have Learned Anyway?

I signed up for a writing course. The course instructors were famous dead authors. Edger Allen Poe, Charles Dickens, Kurt Vonnegut and William Shakespeare, to name a few. I was excited because ghosts tend to be more one-pointed than living people and say insightful things.

But the workshop fell flat when the mortuary delivered the dead authors, who then failed to reanimate. The organizers of the event gave us our money back.

As I was walking out, the ghost of William Shakespeare woke up, looked at me, and said, "Zounds! Nothing 'tis more mind splintering than the flapping of the tongues of quill scratchers."

A Day in the Woods

I took a walk through the forest with the ghost of Queen lead singer Freddy Mercury.

I said that I was a big fan of Queen when I was a kid and that I saw them twice in concert. I felt like a blabbing idiot. But I couldn't stop. Freddy was quite a gentleman and listened with kindness.

When I was done talking, I was exhausted and had to sit on a tree stump to recharge.

Freddy Mercury said that he liked the silence of the woods. He understood why the animals like to live there.

Checking in with the Campaign

My running mate Mitt Romney and I are in Iowa. We are standing by the side of the freeway and waving at passer-byes. Mitt says it's a great way to take the pulse of the nation. 

I asked Mitt what I'm getting paid for my new job. He said $230,000, once we get elected. Until then his campaign pays me $7.25 an hour. 

I decided to save up to buy lunch.

My Attempt to Make Life Easier

I'm working on a new book called "Fear? Okay, Yeah Sure, But Still."

In it I say fear is such a terrible feeling to live with, that it's easier on us to stop avoiding what scares us and enter the fearful situation, and if it does happen to kill us, well, at least we're no longer feeling the fear.