In the End it Will Probably Be Okay

President Obama invited me to the White House for the Holidays. In some ways it's relaxing because all my meals are cooked for me. I get to hang out with the Obamas and play games and watch movies with them.

At the same time President Obama keeps asking me questions about affairs of state. I don't follow the news but he still wants to know.

This morning I suggested everyone in the United States gets dressed up in costumes and travels to Pakistan and tells the Pakistanis that we are the ministers of mirth. Obama went ahead and had his staff order 200 million costumes and set up the plane reservations.

I think it will be kind of nice to have our country empty for a weekend. Sometimes places just need to get aired out.

On Second Thought

I was taking a stroll across the desert when the Sun said to me, "Do you think I shine well?"

I said, "Of course...What's going on?"

The Sun said, "I think I'm doing a crappy job."

I said, "That's because you're always working. You have no contrast. You need a vacation."

Suddenly the world was plunged in darkness. The temperature dropped 100 degrees. I felt the blood in my veins heading towards ice.

I thought, "I need to be less encouraging."

Being Helpful

Santa left one of his reindeer on my roof. I had to coax it down with a bowl of oatmeal.

I called the police. They said Santa doesn't exist so they couldn't help me.

I invited the reindeer in. It chewed up my couch and pooped on the floor. My dog Rexy said the reindeer had no manners.

I reminded Rexy of the day I brought her home from the pound and she ate my lucky panama hat.

Rexy invited the reindeer to rest on her doggie bed. The reindeer laid down and sprawled past the bed's tiny boarders with its gangly legs. The reindeer was asleep and snoring in seconds.

Time Off

I took my sailboat out to the middle of the lake. I emptied my wallet into the water. I tossed in my keys. I took off my shoes and dropped them in too.

I sat in the boat.

A fish stuck its head out of the water.

The fish said, "I was wondering what the keys go to?"

I said, "My apartment and my Toyota."

The fish said, "Would that be okay if I were to have them?"

I said, "Sure...You might want to take my wallet too since it has my address."

The fish said, "I already did."

I said, "Right, of course."

The fish said, "Okay, I'm going to go now."

Sobriety

I went by the North Pole to visit my friend Santa.

I found Santa drunk and yelling at the elves. I asked if I could help. Santa asked who I was. I didn't take it personally because I go to Al-anon.

I got Santa to lie down on a couch and close his eyes. He fell asleep in seconds. I covered him with a blanket.

The elves thanked me and went back to work.

Santa got up a couple of hours later. He apologized to everyone. He admitted he had a problem with alcohol. I called one of my friends who's in AA and asked him if he knew of any meetings nearby. He got online and found a meeting in Anchorage at seven. Santa and I took the sleigh and went.

At the AA meeting, they asked if there were any newcomers. Santa stood up and said, "I'm Santa and I'm an alcoholic." Because he was wearing his red suit, I sensed the people at the meeting knew who he was.

Togetherness

My dog Rexy peed on the Christmas tree.

I got angry and asked, "Why couldn't you wait till I took you for a walk?"

Rexy said, "Why do you have a tree in the house?"

Why Cartoons Are So Popular

I was playing golf at my country club when the ghost of Kim Jong-il joined me. He seemed confused.

Fresh ghosts don't know they are dead. They tend to assume they are dreaming. But after the passage of a few days, they begin to question what's going on.

I got out my cell phone and googled Kim. I showed Kim the news stories about his death.

Kim got upset. A few minutes into his death tantrum, I interrupted Kim and pointed out a squirrel ghost that just a few minutes ago had been run over by a golf cart. The squirrel ghost was throwing a fit on the putting green.

Kim laughed. It's humbling to see yourself being reenacted by an animal.

Insight

I got in my time travel machine and visited myself in high school.

I told myself about cell phones, the internet, computers, and facebook.

My high school self looked at the now me and said, "Oh my god, you're bald!"

Talent

I sat out on the rim of Crater National Park.

David Bowie walked up and sat down next to me.

We nodded to each other. We sat together and said nothing.

Eventually David Bowie started to snore. He's one of those people who can sleep while sitting. He's so talented!

Oh, I See

I'm opening for Bob Seger on his winter tour. I play songs from my album, Brooks Takes His Time.

Usually there are only a handful of people in the auditorium when I'm on. They text or talk to one another. I'd get discouraged.

But then Bob told me, "The main reason they applaud me is because I gave them an excuse to get away from their wife and kids."

The Truth is Everywhere

I was walking through the desert and ran into the Easter Bunny.

I asked how much preparation goes into getting ready for Easter. The Easter Bunny said none because he's just a figurehead.

I started to cry.

The Easter Bunny asked why. I said because I'm allergic to rabbits.

About Time

I saw 2012 nervously smoking a cigarette out on a street corner.

I asked what was up.

2012 said it was checking out the competition.

I said I thought each year worked together as agents of time.

2012 cried and said the pressure to be a better time was unbearable.

I took notes. I'm the keynote speaker at the Bettle Time Symposium in Stockholm next Tuesday. This is going to blow them away.

Fragile Santa

Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I said that I was okay and didn't need anything.

Santa started crying and then sobbing. I think he has a hard job.

It doesn't help that he wears that embarrassing suit.

?

My pet crocodile, Chaucer, is a gum chewer. And he chews with his mouth open. It drives me nuts.

Chaucer hates that I'm always cracking my knuckles.

I don't know how anyone gets along.

I've Been There

I met the Dalai Lama.

He was downcast. I asked him why.

He said he had eaten an entire fudge brownie sundae and he was experiencing low blood sugar.

I suggested he drink some water. He did and felt much better.