Lunch with the Moon

I was having lunch with the Moon. The Moon said it prefers orbiting the Earth rather than visiting because it's quieter. I agreed that it's a noisy planet. I also said that we're part culprits because our talking adds to the hum. The Moon excused itself, got up and left. It's a sensitive planet.

A Birthday Surprise

This morning was my girlfriend's birthday. She's been going on and on for weeks about wanting a rhino. She'd show me photos of rhinos and say, "Aren't they the cutest things?" Then she tore up all the tiles in her basement and replaced them with sod.

So this morning I led her down to her basement and showed her Rosie, her new rhino. Rosie was eating the newly fresh grass and looked up at us. My girlfriend jumped up and down in joy. She kept saying, "How did you know, how did you know?"

Rosie must have been startled by my girlfriend's vitality and charged us. We ran away pretty fast. Rosie just missed us and smashed into the wall. Luckily I had covered all the walls with mattresses.

We got to the stairs and I closed the iron gate behind us. Rosie charged and crashed into the gate. It dented a little, but held up. I bought the gate at Home Depot. The salesperson said it would be strong enough for a rhino charge.

My girlfriend reached through the gate and patted the rhino's horn. I was scared for her. But then the rhino calmed down and started to purr. I thought cats were the only animals who did that.

Uncomfortable with Change

I became a drop of water. I didn't know how this happened. I don't do drugs. I wasn't drunk. I have a good imagination, but I'm not the type to daydream. So there I was, a drop of water, dripping out of my kitchen sink.

I dropped and landed in the drain. I acclimate pretty fast, so I accepted the change and enjoyed the ride down the drain pipe. Soon I was in the sewers. I was no longer just a drop, but part of a stream of water.

I was flowed out into to the lake where I was pushed around as a wave and passed through by fish. And then I got overwhelmed by all the recent changes and I sort of just stopped.

A water molecule bumped into me.

The water molecule said, "Hey, what the frig is going on?"

I said, "I'm not supposed to be here."

The water molecule said, "There's no supposed to's. Just go!"

I said, "No really, I'm not water, I'm a human. There's been a glitch."

The water molecule got frustrated and said, "You're having a tantrum because your outrageously assumed outcome didn't coalesce into this."

I said, "It's not outrageous. My experience defies reality."

The water molecule said, "A reality you were used to. Our conditioning is constantly in flux thus rendering any viewpoint unstable."

It was then I turned back into human Brooks. I tread water to stay afloat. The water molecule balanced on my nose.

The water molecule said, "Oh, shit. This is too much for me," and slid off my nose.

Basic

My dog Rexy said, "Seriously, Duder, I need to go for a walk!"

I love the urgency of dogs. There's no reflection. Deep down, reflection is about as useful as windshield wipers on a turtle.

Visiting Doors

I was laying in bed, considering whether or not to go to work, when I heard the popping and crackling sounds that accompany one of my spontaneous time travel trips. My bedroom vanished into a blend of florescent clouds and miles of sun colored roots.

I landed hard onto a floor. I looked around and saw that I was in a recording studio. There was a band in the midst of a jam. It was the Doors. They were performing Riders on the Storm. I think it's a good song. But I've never listened to it all the way through. I'm kind of that way with all Doors songs. It's pretty rare that anything in life is good and interesting.

The band noticed me. They kept playing. I think it's the drugs. They thought I was part of their trip.

When the Doors finished, the guitarist Robby Krieger, came over to talk with me.

Robby said, "Hey, man, who are you?"

I said, "I'm Brooks. I'm from the future."

Robby said, "Groovy! What happens?"

I said, "Lots of things. Kind of like lots of things are happening now."

Robby said, "I can dig that. Ah, hey, what happens to my band?"

I said, "This is your last album because your singer is gonna die."

Robby looked troubled. He went over to Jim Morrison, the lead singer, and whispered something to him. Jim looked over at me. I nodded.

Jim said, "Great!"

This was 1970. I remembered that back then I was nine. I was a candy addict and was always in a sugar haze. Everyone was drunk on something. My friend Dale used to drink so much Tang that he'd slur his words. His parents never noticed because they were high on beer. This leveled the playing field. When everyone's buzzed, no one's buzzed.

Poetic Encounter

I went for a walk by the frozen Lake Michigan this afternoon and encountered the ghost of Lord Byron. Byron was wearing just a silk puffy sleeved white shirt and a pair of gabardine slacks.

I said, "You are lucky to be so unaffected by the weather."

Lord Byron said, "I would give it all up to be affected by the weather.

I said, "I'm thinking of moving to the Bahamas in an effort to keep warm."

Lord Byron said, "Yes, but when one problem is erased, another raises its head. Our lives are spent in the endless playing of whack-a-mole."

I said, "Still, I can't help to try and make myself comfortable."

Lord Byron said, "You'll do what you must. While entwisted with your mortal coil, all seems important...and in the end you're revealed to be lost in the headlights of the divine hypnosis."

I said, "It's hard to talk with you. You refute everything I say with your poetic musings."

Lord Byron said, "I can't help what I do. I'm assembled as a poet. I'm a factory that only produces heightened insights."

I said, "I understand. I seem built to have strange experiences."

Lord Byron winked and said, "We are all accomplished at one thing. Without it we are reduced to protoplasm."

Just then the earth cracked open and Satan poked out his head. Satan said, "Would you like to join me for a late lunch? I've cooked up a delicious lobster fricassee."

I said, "Sure."

Rexy and I at the Super Bowl

I went to the Super Bowl. I had pretty nice seats on the fifty yard line. I went with my dog Rexy. The thing is, Rexy doesn't care for the Super Bowl. Rexy was interested in the football. She loves to play catch.

I have never use a leash with Rexy. I think it's cruel to force a dog by the neck to go where I want. So when Rexy ran down the stairs and out onto the field in pursuit of the football, there was nothing I could do about it.

Rexy caught the football, that had been thrown by the Steeler's quarterback, with her teeth and ran down the field. The refs and players ran after her. It's not their fault that they didn't know this makes Rexy run faster. Rexy made it to one end-zone, then she ran the distance of the field to the other end-zone. The crowd went nuts. Then Rexy ran up the stairs with the football back to her seat next to me.

The refs ran up the stairs, but the fans stopped them, and they were forced to retreat.

I checked out the football. It was heavily scratched by Rexy's teeth marks. But the football stayed inflated. I think it must be made with high-quality leather.

Matter of Factly

I went down a gopher hole. I soon ran into the gopher.

The gopher said, "What do you want?"

I said, "I was just curious about where you live."

The gopher said, "There's not much to see. It's really just a long hole I dug in the ground."

I said, "I'm amazed that you dug it."

The gopher said, "I have a lot of time."

I said, "If I only had one thing to do, I would do amazing things."

The gopher said, "You're philosophizing greatness into something that's matter of fact."

I glumly said, "You're right."

The gopher said, "But what can you do, it's your nature."

I love the gopher.

Sun Shined

My lungs weren't feeling well. So I took them out and set them in the sunlight. I couldn't do anything in the meanwhile except wait. I need my lungs to respirate my body.

So I waited. I didn't have any thoughts because no oxygen was getting to my brain. I can't say that it was nice or uncomfortable. I didn't have the capacity to judge. In retrospect I felt like a shirt on a hanger in a closet. Not waiting to be worn, but just hanging.

At one point a blue jay landed next to my lungs. It whistled to my lungs. The lungs didn't respond. The blue jay whistled again. Nothing. The blue jay flew off.

When the sun started to go down, I put my lungs back in. I took a deep breath. It lasted so long. I thought, "Wow, this is a long breath."

I noticed that I felt better. It's amazing what the sun can do.

Appreciating From Afar

I have a relative who fought in World War I. His name was Milford Palmer.


Milford was Corporal First Class. He had the distinction of being the most successful foxhole hunter. He wasn't stealthy or Ramboesque. He would simple approach a German foxhole and say, "Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt your fighting, but my name is Milford Palmer, but I'm looking for my dog Laslo. I'm worried silly about him. He's a Albercian Dachshund. I was wondering if you might have seen the likes of his kind?"

Everyone softens up when they see or hear about a dog. The enemies fighting nature evaporated with canine concern. Often the German's would offer to look for the dog with Milford. Milford would lead the search party to the Allies side and the Germans would be captured with little or no fuss.

Interestingly, Milford never owned a dog in his life. He lived to 94. I like dogs but have never owned and lived with one. I think I must have gotten some of Milford's genes.

Salted and Stroked

My turtle, Ricki, took care of me while I was sick. She brought me turtle flakes everyday. Because I wasn't feeling well, I didn't say anything and I ate the turtle flakes. The turtle flakes are salty. I think the large amounts of salt helped me.

While I rested in bed, Ricki would stroke my head with her flat turtle foot. She doesn't have soft feet. It was kind of like a pencil where the eraser end was completely worn down and there was just the metal part. At first it was uncomfortable and hurt my head. But I soon became overwhelmed by the term of endearment. This tiny turtle really cared for me.

Sabbaticaly Speaking

Better Late than Dead is resting for a week. Its curator is not feeling well and is on sabbatical.

Plus stories need to take a rest too. Those 26 letters constantly and creatively rearranging themselves can be exhausting.

See you soon.

New Way of Seeing Things

I wasn't feeling well so I went to the doctor. He said I have Re-go-go on the Ga-go-go.

I said, "Isn't that from a W.C. Field's movie?"

He said originally. But doctors have been changing names of old illnesses into funny names in a way of cheering up patients.

I said, "I'm feeling better already."

He said that he was still going to have to charge me.

The Awkwardness Continues

I was out trimming the vines when the ghost of Ponce de León appeared. He said that I was an artist with the shears and he just wanted to watch. I'm a sucker for appreciation so I clipped away with great flair.

When I was done,the ghost of Ponce de León joined me for tea out in my garden. He wore traditional clothes from the late 1400's. It used to bother me that ghosts continue to wear the clothes that were popular when they were alive. Wouldn't they want to wear something new and trendy? But then I still wear the clothes I loved in high school so I got it.

The ghost of Ponce de León loves writing his name. He kept scribbling it on his paper napkin. I said, "I wish I had your kind of self-confidence. Oh, the things I could do."

The ghost of Ponce de León said, "Most have not been as great as me. But then look at me now. As dead as the leaf fallen from the tree."

I said, "Ah, but such great colors of rust, crimson and mustard." Oh, my God, the ridiculous things I say to make anyone feel better.

Things Have a Way of Working Out

I ran into an iceberg. It was lost and sad. The iceberg used to live way up north but somehow found its way to Los Angeles.

I showed the iceberg the iphone that my brother-in-law lent me two weeks ago. It has a compass on it. I said, "I bet this can help!"

The iceberg smiled.

So I climbed on the iceberg's back and we headed north.

We only got lost once. Actually not lost. I pretended that's what had happened. "What the? There must be something wrong with this phone." But I figured since I had this great opportunity of being out in the open water, why not visit Hawaii. The iceberg was upset at first. "I trusted you!" But then everything was all smiles when the iceberg really liked going under the huge waterfall because of the cold cold water.

We hit the open waters again, and eventually and soon we were up in the Arctic Sea. The iceberg thanked me. The iceberg worried about how I would get back.

I said, "Not to worry!" My brother-in-law's iphone also had an app for up to date reports of whale migration. As the app said, the whales showed up minutes later. I told them my situation and they said they would be passing through Los Angeles and would be happy to take me.