Practically Speaking

I was relaxing tonight at home when the ghost of the philosopher William James appeared. I recognized him because my girlfriend is a big fan of him and has a full length echograph photograph taken of him in his bathing suit at the beach in Cannes in 1890.

He appeared to be disgruntled. I asked him if he would like some toast. Ghosts are appeased by dry, crunchy warm things. He smiled and said yes. I made the toast and he sat and enjoyed it at my kitchen table. While he chewed I admired his suit. There were no holes or frays. I was raised on horror movies, especially the zombie films, and am used to the undead being slovenly. But it turns out they tend to be well attired. I imagine they have the free time to be concerned about their appearance.

After William James finished the toast, he began to tell me how he was much closer to delineating his theory of pragmatism. I suggested that perhaps it's nothing that one could ever completely unfold since the essence of the investigation is the questioner herself and awareness can never know itself. William James said that essentially I was correct, but the waves of investigation can never be thwarted.

I have a low tolerance for philosophy so I agreed with William James. I've been finding that agreeing with whatever anyone says has made my life much easier. As Charles Peirce, the founder of pragmatism said, "essentially what makes life most practical will find me burrowing into it."

Where to Sleep

Well, I just made it home. It was a seven day walk back from Akron, Ohio to Evanston, IL. I'm sitting on my bed in a daze. It feels strange to be indoors. I slept outside every night for a week.

I think I might sleep outside tonight. There's a little patch of grass in front of my apartment. There's something about the padding of grass or leaves that surpasses a mattress.

The thing is I'm more worried about the threat of a stranger then the wild animals of the outdoors. So maybe I'll forgo it for tonight. Unless I pull my car up onto the grass and sleep under the car for protection like our cats did when I was a kid.

Though there was that terrible morning that my dad left extra early for work and we had to say goodbye to Smokey.

Precaution

This long trek home is distorting my mind. A car just pulled over to the side of the road to offer me a ride. A gray Persian cat was the driver. I said I had to decline because it's important for me complete the walk. But the truth is, I case I wasn't hallucinating, I said no because of my intense allergy to cats.

Fanciful

It's a little after midnight. I just crossed the Illinois boarder. My feet hurt. I feel like I've been walking about two months.

I think it was a romantic notion to walk back from Akron. I've often been inspired by grand ideals. When I was in second grade I decided to learn Russian. There was a foreign exchange student named Ivinka in my school. I had a made crush on her. I told her that I would learn Russian and travel back to live with her in her country at the end of Spring. I spent my entire allowance savings on Russian foreign language tapes. I studied and pushed my little weary mind to the brink. I mastered the language but ending up failing second grade and had to repeat. I didn't end up going to Russia. My parents wouldn't let me.

As I type and walk along the freeway, I'm being followed by a pack of coyotes. I think they're attracted to the glowing light on my iPhone. Plus I'm exhausted which makes me probable food. I like their high pitched whining. It sounds like a dog's voice if it came through a violin.

Refreshments!

I'm on day 5 of my walk back to Chicago. This morning I passed through Gary, Indiana.

I was feeling tired and was uncertain about my progress today when I spotted a cow out in a field off the highway. I walked over to the cow.

I said, "Excuse me, I was wondering if I could have some of your refreshments?"

The cow said, "Sure, that would be okay."

Usually I don't care for milk. There isn't much flavor and it's so white. But this was delicious.

I said, "That was so tasty, thanks!"

The cow said, "You're welcome. Where are you from?"

I was feeling a little hallucinogenic from the milk and said, "I'm a child of the sun and the moon." And then I started dancing out in the field. I held my arms out and sway danced in sloppy circles. I was joined by a purple and polka dot horse. Though, in retrospect, I doubt it.

Church Time

This morning on my walk back to Chicago I stopped at a church in Michigan City. I haven't been to church since I was 12. I thought I'd see what was new.

A preacher named Harlen Grayson stepped up to the pulpit. He said that God watches us all closely, sometimes as an encourager and other times as a chastiser. I thought, "Well, God must be my mind."

Then they passed the collection plate. I was out of cash so I gave a stick of mint gum and a leaf I'd found and been carrying for the past couple of hours.

Then Harlen asked if there were any newcomers. I raised my hand. He asked me where I was from. I said Brighton because that's where I slept last night, in Selnor's Park, huddled between two coyotes. I think they thought that meant I was homeless because after the service they ushered me to the front of the church's under-earner's homeless soup kitchen line.

The Trip Continues

I'm on my walk back from Ohio. I'm on the 90 West in Indiana. I'm walking on the grassy side part ten feet from the highway. I find the passing of the trucks from behind gives me a nice push and momentum.

Earlier as I passed through Bowling Green, Ohio I was joined by a deer. We didn't say much but it was nice. Lonely travelers appreciate the presence of companionship.

What's Up

I was feeling low and I left things behind and went for a walk. I walked past the night into the day. Around noon I was feeling better and I looked up to see where I was.

It was Akron, Ohio. I was hungry. I went to a cafe called the Grapevine. I sat and ordered at double-cheeseburger. It was delicious. I added about half a bottle of ketchup. The waitress asked if everything was okay. I told the waitress that I like ketchup.

I went back outside. I realized my feet hurt from all the walking. I went to Lucky Shoes. I told them that I'd walked from Chicago and I needed some ped-comfort. They gave me a pair of purple Sidewinders. I said, "I'll take them." They asked if I at least wanted to try them on. I said, "My feet like purple."

I'm walking back to Chicago now. I'm typing this on my iPhone. I wanted to share what's going on.

Dilemma

I have a geyser in my backyard. It goes off every morning at 8:05. I use it to take a shower. Sometimes the tourists get upset at my nudity. The thing is if I don't bathe, the same people get upset at my body odor.

Late Night Grieving

I recently got a job at a graveyard. I'm a security guard in the evenings. I make sure no one breaks into the cemetery. I patrol the grounds and look for suspicious things. Mostly it's dark and quiet. This is good for my mind. Most jobs get me agitated and I say something wrong to my supervisor and I get fired.

Last night I was making my rounds when I came upon a horse. I was startled. Horses are much bigger than you think. The horse neighed. To calm the horse down I gave it a Milky Way bar that I had in my pocket. The interesting thing about horses is that they take their time with whatever they are eating. This horse took forty-five minutes. While it savored, I pet its head. I felt like I was petting a dinosaur with fur.

When the horse was done with its snack, I said, "What brings you out here?"

The horse said, "My person that used to ride me died last year. I came to visit her grave."

I said, "What's her name?"

The horse said, "Mildred Hayes."

I looked up Mildred's grave-site on my map. We walked over to Mildred's grave.

I said, "I'll give you some time to yourself" and walked on. I figured the horse would be there for a while since their hearts are so big. I heard their hearts are as big as a toaster oven. I don't know how they get over anything.

We Figured Out a Solution

The tree outside my apartment window has been keeping me awake at night. It's spring and the tree grows leaves and extends branches at all hours of the day and night.

I kept quiet about my anger for a while because I like to see the new and shining limbs and leaves. But the sleep loss caught up to me and I went outside last night and said, "What the hell!"

The tree said, "Is there a problem?"

I said, "Seriously, can't you wait until the morning?"

The tree said, "I took the entire winter off. I can't afford to be idle."

I said, "If you lived by yourself in a forest I could understand your position. But you're keeping me awake."

The tree thought about it and then said, "What if I promise to keep it down?"

I said, "I think that would be okay."

I went back to bed. I laid there and listened. I thought I heard some rustling. But then I figured it was the wind, and I fell quickly asleep.

Something New

My apartment's floor cracked open. I looked down the depths of the newly formed crevice and saw the gates of hell. I thought, "Wow, hell actually exists."

I called some friends and told them about it. They came over to take a look. Some took pictures with their camera phones. Another person said they hadn't been to church since they were a little kid and this made them think of going back.

Later that night I sat on the edge of my floor and played guitar. I played Hellhound on my Trail by Robert Johnson. I've never been able to play that song. But now I had something to associate with the words.

I got curious and scaled the crevice down to the gates of hell. There was an attendant. I said, "Are you Satan?"

The disinterested attendant said, "No."

I said, "Where is Satan?"

The attendant said, "I really don't know."

I said, "Can I come in and look around?"

The attendant scowled and said, "It doesn't work that way. Once you're in, that's it, okay? Geez."

I thought about how customer service seems to be bad wherever I go.

Defrost

In the morning I noticed icebox needed to be defrosted. It was filled with a solid block of ice. I got out my hair dryer and tried melting it with a half hour of hot air, but to no effect. I got out my rubber mallet and chisel from the tool box. I tried chipping away but I could make no dent. I left the fridge unplugged all day. I checked the freezer again at night but it was still full glacier.

So I did what I do with all things I get frustrated with, I had a talk with the ice block.

I said, "So, what's going on?"

The ice block said, "What do you mean?"

I said, "You know what I mean. I'm trying to melt you so I can put frozen food in the freezer, but you continue to remain."

The ice block said, "Oh, that. Well, I'm happy as I am."

I said, "That may be fine for you, but it interferes with my lifestyle and peace of mind."

The ice block said, "That sounds like your problem, not mine."

I said, "What is it you want?"

The ice block said, "I want things to stay as they are."

I said, "What if I found you a place to live that allowed you to be as you are, but just not in my freezer?"

The ice block thought about it. The ice block said, "That would be okay with me."

I went to the UPS store by my house. I bought a special shipping box that allows a frozen item to stay frozen in transit. I showed and explained the box to the ice block. The ice block loosened and fell into the box. I had the box shipped to a friend who works at the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Research Station.

Change

My father manufactures rugs. He's owned and run the business for forty years. He took over the position from his father, who inherited it from his father.

My dad called me into his office and said, "Brooks, I'm ready to hand over the reigns of my carpet kingdom to you."

I said, "Thanks, Dad, that's very generous, but I decline."

My dad said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "No, I'd prefer you have someone else do it."

My dad said, "But carpet's are synonymous with the Palmer moniker."

I said, "Dad, the nature of life is change, nothing remains the same.'

My dad said, "How dare you bring philosophy into this!"

I walked out of his office. I got in my car and drove home. I laid down on my hardwood floor. I relaxed and thought about what's next.

The Father of Our Country

I was taking a bath when the bathroom door flew open and the ghost of George Washington appeared. I recognized him from the quarter and the one dollar bill. He was angry.

George Washington said, "Where's my wooden teeth?!"

I said, "I-I-I don't know."

George Washington said, "I need you to find them right now!!"

Then I realized I was feeling anxious and scared. Ghosts are initially disconcerting. And my bath time is sacred. It's my time to shut off the world and relax. I was in a vulnerable place. At that moment, I didn't care if he was our first President or that he helped us defeat the British in the Revolutionary War.

I stood up and pointed out the door and said, "Get the hell out of my bathroom!"

George Washington looked down and saw that I was naked. He was embarrassed. I covered myself up and thought, "God, the humiliations never end."