The Rock

I went to the Rock. I asked what I should do next. 

The Rock said, "I don't know." 

I said that wasn't helpful. 

The Rock said, "I'm sure it wasn't."

The Ghost

I was visited by the ghost of myself. I asked how it could be happening since I'm still alive. 

The ghost of me said, "When you're dead, you can go anywhere in time." 

I said that I couldn't wait for that to happen. 

The ghost of me said, "You get used to it pretty quickly." 

I asked why the visit. 

The ghost of me said, "I wanted to see what all the big deal was about." 

I said, "And?" 

The ghost of me said, "Not such a big deal."

The Bale of Hay

I was walking through a field when I came upon a bale of hay. The bale of hay noticed I was staring and said, "What?" 

I said that I was in love. 

The bale of hay said, "Jesus, you're like the 12th person today!"

While Out Walking

I was out walking when I heard, "Hey" coming from the sky. 

I looked up and said, "Are you talking to me?" 

The Sky said, "Yes." 

 I said, "What is it?" 

The sky said, "Don't I look amazing?" 

I sighed and looked down. 

The ground said, "How about me, aren't I wowzy?" 

I went back home and turned on the TV.

Desperate

Life is all about desperate attempts to be cute, and most of the time it doesn't work.

Special

I asked the road to take me to the specialist of most special places. 

The road said, "That would be me." 

I lay down on the warm asphalt and fell fast asleep.

The Dream About You

I had a dream about you last night. You were standing on the Sun and pointing out how your feet weren't getting burnt.

I applauded your abilities. You cried tears of joy which extinguished the Sun. Everything got totally dark.

I asked if you were still there. You said, "Yes."

Mary

I was woken up by the ghost of author Mary Shelley. 

I sat up in bed, all excited, and said that I was big fan of Frankenstein. She frowned and said, "Oh, you mean the movie." I said, "No, the book." 

The ghost of Mary Shelly smiled and said, "Thank you, most kind sir. It has been a while since I've been warmed by accolades." 

I told her that I was also an author and showed her my book, Clutter Busting. She perused the first chapter. 

She set the book on my bed, hung her head, and in a confessional whisper said, "Whilst I was living, my writing station was haunted by a pulpy leviathan, the contents of which were the corpses of discarded manuscripts and spiritless correspondence." 

I said, "At least it was 'whilst.'"

Monday

I happened to meet Monday when it arrived last night at 12:00:01. It was drinking a coffee and smoking a cigarette at the same time. 

I kind of snidely asked Monday if it worried that it might get ashes in the coffee. Monday said, "You're so encouraging." 

I apologized. I said I was jealous because I used to want to be a day of the week.

Inspiration

I use this one to help inspire me to go, go, go!

The Dream

I dreamt about you again last night. This time around we were in junior high, awkwardly standing next to each other in the play yard. We were the last two people waiting to be chosen by team captains for dodge ball. We decided to forgo the agonizing process and formed our own team. There was a resulting ruckus and we were expelled. We found it nice not to have to go to school anymore.

Hey...

Hey. I can hear you breathing through the screen. I think you are a naturally heavy breather because the screen is fogged up.

Midge

Brooks Palmer is a lyin' fool. I write all his blog posts. I'm Midge the Hedgehog, the brains behind this operation. Just to give you the real Magoo, Brooks is currently facing the corner of the room, trying to walk forward, wondering aloud why he can't.

An honest look

This is what I look like around midnight. I like to stay up that late now and then just to get another glimpse.

Sweet

I wrote you this song:

"Oh well, well, well,
I saw you watering the cactus,
You are most kind,
But the cactus was the soda drinking kind.

They're called Sweet-Tooth Needlers,
They grew by accident under a dripping Fanta dispenser,
They're sweeping the nation,
inspired by the illustrious sweetness hallucinations.

So find a can,
and do what you can,
that's all,
I'm out of rhymes.

The Ghost of M. Curie

The ghost of scientist Madam Curie happened by. I said I knew who she was without an introduction.

The ghost of Curie was delighted and did a pantomime waltz.

When she finished, we sat in silence. An hour went by. I found that I was no longer thinking of her as a famous ghost. She was just another someone. Me too.

That was rare. It's the same feeling I get about the trees after I've been in the woods for a while.

The Dust

The dust approached my home. I said, "I've been expecting you."

The dust said, "Drat, I was hoping to be a surprise."

The dust engulfed my home. Pretty soon I couldn't see myself.

I said, "I can't tell where you end and I begin."

The dust let out a pleased sigh.

What I Use to Write These

This is what I use to write my Better Late than Dead blog posts. I find it helps me be more honest about what's going on because it's loud, ominous, and requires heft in order to type. I hand the finished paper to my assistant Burt. Burt then types it onto the computer. Burt thinks I'm a fool. But I'm paying him $18 an hour, so he readily completes the task.

Copper

I used to be underground as copper. Life was simpler because I was never handled. I enjoyed living amidst the dirt.

But then occasionally I was interfered with by a worm. Worms are despicable creatures who have not a thought about what they tread on. Everything is a stepping stone to get to what they want. They offend and madden me...Perhaps it's better being a penny.