Please join me at BetterLateThanDead.com

Effective today (November 15, 2016) if you would like to read more posts, please join me at my site BetterLateThanDead.com, where you can also hear some of my songs and see some of my artwork.

What the bear said

I was walking through the woods when I came upon a bear who said he knew you. The bear had some good things, and some embarrassing items to say about you. I didn't say anything because you're an enigma to me, and I was curious. 

The thing that most interested me was a story about how you were once one of the early sidewalk toll collectors. People that wanted to pass through gave you a lot of grief, but in the end, everyone paid.

The Shrine

I took a trip to the burial place of former President Andrew Johnson in Greeneville, Tennessee. I laid the wreath, said a few words, and shed a tear. Then I got in my car and drove away. 

That's when the ghost of President Johnson suddenly appeared in the passenger seat and said, "Where we going?" 

I said that I was planning on catching a plane at the airport and flying back home. 

The ghost of President Johnson said, "But I thought you like me." 

I said that I honored his grave because no one else was. Kind of like admiring a dandelion.

The Quandry

God and I stood and watched the Ocean. I asked God if theoretically I was the Ocean or the wave.

God groaned and said, " I invented what we're looking at so you would stop asking me these ridiculous questions."

The Rock

I went to the Rock. I asked what I should do next. 

The Rock said, "I don't know." 

I said that wasn't helpful. 

The Rock said, "I'm sure it wasn't."

The Ghost

I was visited by the ghost of myself. I asked how it could be happening since I'm still alive. 

The ghost of me said, "When you're dead, you can go anywhere in time." 

I said that I couldn't wait for that to happen. 

The ghost of me said, "You get used to it pretty quickly." 

I asked why the visit. 

The ghost of me said, "I wanted to see what all the big deal was about." 

I said, "And?" 

The ghost of me said, "Not such a big deal."

The Bale of Hay

I was walking through a field when I came upon a bale of hay. The bale of hay noticed I was staring and said, "What?" 

I said that I was in love. 

The bale of hay said, "Jesus, you're like the 12th person today!"

While Out Walking

I was out walking when I heard, "Hey" coming from the sky. 

I looked up and said, "Are you talking to me?" 

The Sky said, "Yes." 

 I said, "What is it?" 

The sky said, "Don't I look amazing?" 

I sighed and looked down. 

The ground said, "How about me, aren't I wowzy?" 

I went back home and turned on the TV.

Desperate

Life is all about desperate attempts to be cute, and most of the time it doesn't work.

Special

I asked the road to take me to the specialist of most special places. 

The road said, "That would be me." 

I lay down on the warm asphalt and fell fast asleep.

The Dream About You

I had a dream about you last night. You were standing on the Sun and pointing out how your feet weren't getting burnt.

I applauded your abilities. You cried tears of joy which extinguished the Sun. Everything got totally dark.

I asked if you were still there. You said, "Yes."

Mary

I was woken up by the ghost of author Mary Shelley. 

I sat up in bed, all excited, and said that I was big fan of Frankenstein. She frowned and said, "Oh, you mean the movie." I said, "No, the book." 

The ghost of Mary Shelly smiled and said, "Thank you, most kind sir. It has been a while since I've been warmed by accolades." 

I told her that I was also an author and showed her my book, Clutter Busting. She perused the first chapter. 

She set the book on my bed, hung her head, and in a confessional whisper said, "Whilst I was living, my writing station was haunted by a pulpy leviathan, the contents of which were the corpses of discarded manuscripts and spiritless correspondence." 

I said, "At least it was 'whilst.'"

Monday

I happened to meet Monday when it arrived last night at 12:00:01. It was drinking a coffee and smoking a cigarette at the same time. 

I kind of snidely asked Monday if it worried that it might get ashes in the coffee. Monday said, "You're so encouraging." 

I apologized. I said I was jealous because I used to want to be a day of the week.

Inspiration

I use this one to help inspire me to go, go, go!

The Dream

I dreamt about you again last night. This time around we were in junior high, awkwardly standing next to each other in the play yard. We were the last two people waiting to be chosen by team captains for dodge ball. We decided to forgo the agonizing process and formed our own team. There was a resulting ruckus and we were expelled. We found it nice not to have to go to school anymore.

Hey...

Hey. I can hear you breathing through the screen. I think you are a naturally heavy breather because the screen is fogged up.

Midge

Brooks Palmer is a lyin' fool. I write all his blog posts. I'm Midge the Hedgehog, the brains behind this operation. Just to give you the real Magoo, Brooks is currently facing the corner of the room, trying to walk forward, wondering aloud why he can't.

An honest look

This is what I look like around midnight. I like to stay up that late now and then just to get another glimpse.

Sweet

I wrote you this song:

"Oh well, well, well,
I saw you watering the cactus,
You are most kind,
But the cactus was the soda drinking kind.

They're called Sweet-Tooth Needlers,
They grew by accident under a dripping Fanta dispenser,
They're sweeping the nation,
inspired by the illustrious sweetness hallucinations.

So find a can,
and do what you can,
that's all,
I'm out of rhymes.

The Ghost of M. Curie

The ghost of scientist Madam Curie happened by. I said I knew who she was without an introduction.

The ghost of Curie was delighted and did a pantomime waltz.

When she finished, we sat in silence. An hour went by. I found that I was no longer thinking of her as a famous ghost. She was just another someone. Me too.

That was rare. It's the same feeling I get about the trees after I've been in the woods for a while.

The Dust

The dust approached my home. I said, "I've been expecting you."

The dust said, "Drat, I was hoping to be a surprise."

The dust engulfed my home. Pretty soon I couldn't see myself.

I said, "I can't tell where you end and I begin."

The dust let out a pleased sigh.

What I Use to Write These

This is what I use to write my Better Late than Dead blog posts. I find it helps me be more honest about what's going on because it's loud, ominous, and requires heft in order to type. I hand the finished paper to my assistant Burt. Burt then types it onto the computer. Burt thinks I'm a fool. But I'm paying him $18 an hour, so he readily completes the task.

Copper

I used to be underground as copper. Life was simpler because I was never handled. I enjoyed living amidst the dirt.

But then occasionally I was interfered with by a worm. Worms are despicable creatures who have not a thought about what they tread on. Everything is a stepping stone to get to what they want. They offend and madden me...Perhaps it's better being a penny.

Smote!

God and I went for a walk out in the countryside. 

I asked what makes God angry. God thought about it for a moment and then declared, "Lemons!" 

I pointed to a lemon grove off in the distance. God smote the grove with the full power of the universe. 

After which the air was permeated with a refreshing lemon aroma.

Finally

This is the best thing I've ever written.

Fermi

The ghost of Enrico Fermi came by to visit while I was taking my daily laying on the couch and looking up blankly at the ceiling time. 

I asked the ghost of Fermi what he was holding. 

Fermi's ghost said, "It's a bottle of the finest quantum foam." 

I asked if I could have some. Fermi poured me a glass and I took a sip. It tasted like I was drinking a cloud's antenna monocle dream setback appeased.

The Conversation

I said to the cloud, "What you are doing being down there?" 

The cloud said, "I'm not, fool." 

I said, "But it's what I'm seeing." 

The cloud said, "Dude, you're looking in a puddle." 

I touched the cloud with my toe and it rippled. 

The puddle said, "Hey, what's the big deal?!"

You!

You stopped by and I drew your picture because you look so la-lo-frick-a-dee!!

Shiva

I was sitting in my office when Shiva, the creator and destroyer of all that exists showed up.

I'm not good with celebrities, so I tried to introduce myself, but I mumbled something unintelligible.

Shiva said, "What? I can't understand you."

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

Shiva said, "You have nice teeth."

I got all excited and somehow said, "Really?"

Lunch with Walt

I had lunch with the ghost of Walt Disney. In a desperate effort to relate to him, I said that I like to be creative too. I told him about one of my recent Better Late than Dead blog posts.

The ghost of Walt said, "Yes, but those highfalutin days are behind me. Now I roam the Earth as a phantom, beholding the Creator's unending and multifarious manifestations."

I gave up and sulked head first on the table.

The ghost of Walt said, "Behold, despair!"

The Holland Tunnel

God and I took our monthly walk through the Holland Tunnel in NYC. We had to speak loudly due to the traffic noises. People like to honk to get God's attention.

I asked God if we could move our walks to a less noisy location in the future because being quieter is more spiritual.

Just then a truck blared it's horn as the driver waved frantically at God and howled out the window like a mad wolf.

God said, "That, my friend, is spiritual."

A Place for Everything

I found a pair of false teeth on the ground. I looked around to see if anyone was looking for them. 

That's when I saw the owl up in the tree looking back at me. The owl had no expression on its face. 

I picked up the set of teeth and tossed them up in the air. The owl alit from the tree, flew towards the teeth, and opened its mouth, catching the teeth. The owl flew back to the tree. 

The owl looked at me and smiled.

The Writer

I was walking alone through the woods when I came upon Ichabod Crane. I could tell he was feeling bummed and I asked what was up. 

Ichabod said, "I wish my life were a better place to live." 

I said that it wasn't up to him but to the writer Washington Irving. 

Ichabod went on to say, "Oh, but my heart breaks over the loss of the affections of Katrina Van Tassel." 

I said again that none were to blame but Mr. Irving and the strokes of his pen. 

Ichabod said, "But are you too beholdened to the imaginings of Mr. Irving?" 

I said that I was unfortunately bound to an unknown author.

The Ride

In the morning, I got on my turtle to ride into town. By the time I got to town, it was night and everything was closed. I turned my turtle around to go back home. 

My turtle said, "Why don't you just get a car?" 

I said that I like to travel more naturally. 

My turtle said, "But then things like this happen." 

I said that I didn't mind because I liked our time together. 

The turtle said, "Sure, that makes sense."

Helpful

I like to eat a stick of butter a day. It has a naturally calming effect. Today however is looking like a nine-stick-of-butter day.

The Block of Concrete

I found a new place to sit and write my blog posts. 

The only thing is, this block of concrete comments on whatever I'm writing. Just now it said, "Why don't you write about pudding? No one writes about pudding anymore."

The Reason

I'm angry and I don't know why. Oh, yeah, I'm out of carrots.

Favorite Passage

My favorite passage from the Bible is when God says, "Why are you reading the Bible? Why aren't you outside?"

Here

Hi. I'm glad you're here. You're hereness is the best thing about you.

Space

I was all excited because in today's mail I got the hyper-space drive for my rocket ship. The box said it allows a person to skip three galaxies at a time. My heart was beating fast because I could now go further than I'd ever space-ventured before. 

So I installed the drive, got in my rocket ship and took off into space. I hit the hyper-space drive and my rocket ship shot into the distance. 

Stars were sailing by my window, until I slammed into something. I put on my spacesuit and got out to see what had happened. Lo and behold, I'd smashed into the end of space!

Speaking at the RNC

I spoke at the Republican Convention Thursday. I talked about how nice it was to be in Cleveland again. I went to high school there.

Then I pushed the button on the podium that released all the balloons from the ceiling. A few people off to the side of the stage were upset at me because the balloons were supposed to be released when Trump gave his speech.

But the audience loved it and didn't care.

Things Explained

Helpful Info

Door art, because sometimes you need to know what to do when you leave the room.

The disparate parts of my day argue which was best.

Beryl

My pet rhino, Beryl, was spending the bulk of her waking time watching TV on the couch. This was getting me pissed because it was wrecking the couch. 

So I got a DVD of rhinos in their natural wild habitat and played it on the TV. Beryl got all excited and ran around the room ramming all the furniture and dent splintering the walls. The only thing she didn't wreck was the TV. 

When the DVD was over she lay down on the rubble and remote switched the TV to Judge Judy.

William Henry Harrison

I was visited by the ghost of former President William Henry Harrison. I wanted to be upfront with him and said I was unfamiliar with his accomplishments when in high office.

The ghost of Harrison said, "But you do know that I was once President of the United States of America?" I said I did.

The ghost of Harrison called out, "Hoodeeladoo!" and danced a jig.

Dreaming

Guess what? I'm dreaming about you. You have whip cream on your head and are walking a tightrope. I am shouting at you from below, "make sure not to fall, protect the topping at all costs!

The Sun

I lay out on the grass in my backyard, blissfully soaking up the Sun. 

The Sun said, "Do you miss me when I go away at night?" 

I said that I do, and that I supplant by gazing at the sun's rays reflecting off the moon. 

The Sun said, "I created the moon just so we can stay in touch." 

That's when the moon eclipsed the Sun, blotting out all light. I desperately reached around in the dark until I found my phone. I turned on the phone and smiled as the screen glowed onto my face. 

The glow said, "It's me, I thought I lost you!"

I want 2 sit on the record as it plays

I wish you were closer to my...

I never get tired of watching the stars