The Ghost

A ghost showed up at my doorstep. I couldn't tell who it was by its features, so I asked the ghost who it used to be. I'm always hoping for somebody famous because it helps me feel special.

The ghost said, "Can't you just accept me for who I am now?"

I said yes, but I still wanted to know. So I suggested we go online to Wikipedia and I asked the ghost if it wanted to look up anyone in particular. The thing is if you are or were famous, or never have been famous, you want to read about yourself. It's the biggest drug out there. 

The ghost said, "Couldn't we just go for a stroll?" 

I said yes but I wasn't about to give up. 

As the ghost and I were out walking, I asked it what it was thinking. 

The ghost said, "I was thinking about the delightful but difficult times I spent at Elba." 

I jumped up and down and said, "Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm with the ghost of Napoleon!"

You're not alone

The Rope

There was a rope ladder hanging from the sky. I climbed it. After a half day of climbing the rope I reached a cloud. I climbed the rope through the cloud until I found myself in a room with a table and two chairs.

I got off the rope and sat in a chair. I was tired and rested my head on the table and fell asleep. When I woke up there was a man sitting in a chair across the table from me. I said hi. He said hi. It turns out he also climbed the rope.

Just then a woman came into the room. She said we shouldn't be there. So we climbed back down the rope.

Just another Thursday

I walked through the woods with God for our Thursday afternoon stroll.

I said that I sometimes got frustrated with life.

God said, "That's because you give up too easily."

I asked if I should just try harder.

Suddenly a bear appeared from behind a tree. I ran like crazy. The bear ran after me. I ran for a while and the bear wouldn't let up. I tripped over a log and fell onto the forest floor. I looked up and saw the bear bearing down on me. I covered my head and screamed.

I heard laughter. I dropped my arms and saw God laughing and standing over me like a bear.

I asked if God was teaching me a lesson about giving my all.

God said, "No, I just thought it would be hilarious."

The Ocean

I stood by the Ocean. The water flowed up and touched my toes. I said hi.

The Ocean said, "It's good to see you."

A tear came to my eye. I said, "You remember me?"

The Ocean said, "Of course."

I said, "I didn't figure you noticed."

The Ocean said, "It's always good to see you, Clive."

I got angry and drove home. When I got there I turned on the sprinkler in the front yard and ran through it.

The water said, "I heard what happened. The Ocean. What an asshole."

The Visit

My two-year-old self showed up in a time machine today. I asked my younger self how he was able to get here in a machine that didn't exist when I was a youngin.

The younger me said, "The mind and its mistress, memory, are not reliable recorders of truth. Psychological research has proven this over and over again."

I went to the freezer, got out a gallon container of ice cream, took off the lid, and began grazing.

My two-year-old self said, "That's a good boy."

Joypants

I bought a butterfly at Petco. I named it Joypants.

Joypants loved flying around my living room. He would sing, "Look at me, flying so free!"

One day Joypants was tired and laid down and fell asleep. Joypants had been asleep for two days when a cocoon started to form around him.

A few days after that, Joypants, now a caterpillar broke out of the cocoon. He looked at himself and said, "What the frick is this?!"

The Bus

I waited at the bus station. A bus came for Albuquerque. A couple got on. The bus left. Then came a bus for Burbank. A bunch of people got on. I wasn't one of them. The bus took off.

Another bus pulled up whose sign said, Out Of Service. I went up and knocked on the door of the bus. The driver shook his head at me and pointed towards the sign.

I knocked again. The driver shouted through the closed door, "This bus is out of service. You can't get on." I got out a twenty-dollar bill and showed it to the driver. 

The driver opened the door and said, "Look, even if I were to let you on this bus, it's not going anywhere. It's waiting to be serviced." 

I said that I didn't want to go anywhere. I just wanted to sit on a stationary bus. The driver said okay. I gave him twenty dollars and walked down the aisle. When I found a seat I liked, I sat down. 

After a little while the driver began to cry. I asked what was up. 

The driver said, "I'm tired of driving. I turned on the Out Of Service sign because I didn't want to go anywhere." 

I said I didn't mind. 

The driver said, "Thanks." 

We sat in silence.

The Ride

I was hitchhiking across the Big Old USA when an El Dorado pulled over to give me a lift. It turns out it was being driven by a giant Sea Turtle. I didn't say anything because I felt it would have been rude.

So we drove for hours, singing along with songs on the radio, and snacking on Wardly Turtle Delite Fish Flakes.

My First Cell Phone

I miss the old days of my first cell phone. It was gasoline powered. When it ran low, I would go to Citgo and fill up the phone at the pump. After only thirty seconds the phone would be full and it would last a good two days.

Trying to make a change

I went to the wishing well. I was angry. The wishing well asked why. I said that I'd been coming there for over twenty years and none of my wishes had come true. The wishing well spit out a refund of thousands of coins onto the ground. All the change wouldn't fit into my pockets, so I took off my shirt and filled it up as a heavy sack. I had to drag the coins to my car.

I was in a bad mood as I drove to the bank. When I got to the bank they said their coin-counter was broken and I would have to put all the coins in coin wrappers. I swore to myself as I spent three hours stuffing the coins into the wrappers. I brought the coins to a teller. She gave me $589 in cash, plus a quarter.

I was driving towards home when I felt myself suddenly turn down the street to the wishing well. I got out of my car, slammed the door, went up to the wishing well, tossed in the quarter and said, "I wish I didn't care what I wanted." There was a pause. The wishing well said, "I'm thinking of becoming a hot dog stand."

The Big Idea

I was having a hard time making ends meet. And then I got the big idea. I got in my time machine and rode back to April 15th, 1865, the evening, outside of Ford's Theater. I got a playbill for Our American Cousin and waited outside the theater.

A horse and carriage pulled up and President Lincoln and his wife Mary got out. I went up to President Lincoln and asked him to autograph the playbill. He agreed and as he signed I thought about the certain million dollars I would get when I auctioned off this playbill upon returning to the present day. President Lincoln handed me the autographed playbill and went into the theater.

I felt like a guilty idiot as I got in my time machine and rode back to the present day. I sat for hours staring at the autographed playbill sitting on my living room table. I couldn't take it and rode back in time to the theater.

As President Lincoln arrived, I showed him my time machine, and told him about the events that were going to transpire. President Lincoln informed the police who found and arrested John Wilkes Booth. President Lincoln invited me to be his guest of honor in the Presidential Box with his wife. I agreed.

Halfway through the play, I became restless with the old-timey dialogue. President Lincoln sensed my unease, took out a tin, leaned over, and whispered, "Are you in need of a dusting of Doc Frickner's anti-itch powder?"

The Visitors

The ghost of J.S. Bach showed up last night in my living room. I'm usually okay about meeting a ghost because I'm lonely and the dead are happy to talk with anyone. But I was tired, and the ghost of Bach was talking about the glories of of G-7th Major versus A-minor derivations, and I shouted out for him to shut it. The ghost of Bach started crying tears of dust. Ghosts have no water in their bodies. It turns out water is what makes us come to life. The dust made me cough.

Just then the ghost of President Dwight D. Eisenhower showed up. He invited us to take a hike through the cemetery down the road. The ghost of Eisenhower was ambitious in his intention to wake up all the dead and lead them in a parade down Main Street and let it be known that ghosts really do exist. I said it was late and no one would notice the parade. The ghost of Eisenhower was dejected and began to rain ectoplasm. 

The ghost of the Indian poet Shiv Kumar Batalvi appeared amidst the dust and spirit gel rain. The ghost of Shiv said, "Life is a long road, with many sites to see, we walk from one to the next, our footsteps becoming heartbeats."

The Wish

I went to the wishing well and tossed in all my money. The wishing well was extremely grateful and said I could have whatever I wanted. I said I wanted a watermelon popsicle.

Just then an ice cream truck came by. I waved the truck down. I asked the driver if he had a watermelon popsicle. He said yes and that it was eighty-five cents. I said I didn't have any money and the driver drove off.

I asked the wishing well what that was about. The wishing well said it was sorry.

I was angry for a little bit. But then I realized I had to shake it off, get a job, and start over again.

What Happened at the Bar

I went into the bar and everyone stopped drinking. They didn't say a word. 

So I started talking. I told everyone everything I've never said to anyone. They listened. I think I was so open because they were drunk and I figured they wouldn't remember what I said the next day. 

I went on sharing for close to five hours. By this time it was the late night and the forest animals in the park next to the bar started coming in. There was a raccoon, and a badger, a giraffe, and others. I talked while the animals roamed around me. 

I was revealing chronologically and by this time I'd only gotten to the secrets I'd been keeping since I was eleven. You have the most secrets when you are a kid to avoid the admonishment of your parents. 

By the end of the next day, I was up to telling secrets from a few minutes before I entered the bar. I had one secret left. I decided I needed that to stay private and I stopped talking and left the bar. 

As I walked home I noticed the giraffe was following me. 

The giraffe said, "Hey, I think you were holding out at the end." 

So I told the giraffe my last secret. 

The giraffe said, "It's not like it's something I haven't done."

My Job

I have to work today at Petco. My job is to pet all the animals. Even the reptiles.

I go from one animal to another, pet its head and say, "Hey, maybe today is your day."

The Door

I was angry and slammed shut a door. I felt badly and apologized to the door.

The door said, "Don't worry about it, I didn't take it personally. I've learned how to be flexible about things since I once used to be a tree."

Last Night

I took a plane to Vegas last night and got there around midnight.

I went to Caeser's Palace and bet $100 at a black jack table. I won a $100. I took my winnings, left the casino, and got on a plane back home.

The sun was up when I came in the front door. My wife was having breakfast.

I showed her the $100. We both danced around the table singing.

The Solution

My pet ant, Phetters, was crying. I asked what was the matter.

Phetters said that she was constantly worried that I would step on her. I said that I was always worried that I'd step on her.

Then the ghost of Wayne Dyer showed up and said that we didn't need to be afraid because even if you die, you'll still get to be around as a ghost.

The Pond

I was walking through the woods when I came upon a reflecting pond.

I looked into the pond and saw Donald Trump looking back. I pulled back my big shock of hair and saw a shiny bald head. The sun shone brightly onto my baldness and back into the pond.

A frog came out of the water and asked if I could stop doing that because it was heating up the water.

Self-Improvement!

My doctor said I needed to exercise. He felt that moving my fingers to type this blog wasn't enough.

I asked my doctor what he suggested. He told me to join a gym. So I decided to take his advice.

I found walking five blocks to the gym made me stronger. I didn't go in to join because I didn't want to push it. Too much is too much.

I caught a cab back home and took a deserved nap.

What the Flash Light Saw