When I Showed Up

Interesting fact: I was born while my mom was sleeping. I popped out of my mom and neither she nor my dad woke up.

So I unattached the chord and explored my parents' apartment. I ended up falling asleep on the living room couch.

My parents found me in the morning. They were happy to meet me plus grateful at the money they saved from no ER visit.

Outside my window

A bluebird alighted on the tree branch outside my window. I got excited that it foretold imminent happiness.

But then a hawk descended on the bluebird, eating it in a moment of flurry. I got sad knowing that the good thing coming my way would quickly turn to a source of sorrow.

My dog Rexy, who had been observing the whole thing, said, "Sometimes, it's just time for lunch."

Time

I took my time machine to a minute before the end of time.

It was just like right now.

Today at the Pond

I glumly sat on the rock by the pond. My fishing pole lay at my side.

A fish poked its head out of the water and said, "Hey, how come you're not fishing today?"

I said, "What's the point. I've been coming out here everyday for a year to fish, but I've never caught you."

The fish said, "So, that's it? You're giving up?"

I leapt off the rock into the pond. I tried to catch the fish with my hands, but it swam ahead of my attempts. I finally gave up and sat down in the pond.

The fish poked out of the water again. I pet it's fishy head.

Wednesday

Wednesday just showed up.

I said, "What do you have in store for me today?"

Wednesday took its cigarette out of its mouth, coughed, and said, "Dude, I just got here."

How It Was Resolved

I was laying outside on the ground, minding my own business, enjoying the sunshine on my paper, when Brooks Palmer came by and tried to pick me up.

I objected. Brooks Palmer said he wanted me so he could buy stuff. I refused. He picked me up anyway and went to buy stuff.

At the register, Brooks Palmer gave me to the clerk in exchange for his purchases. I started to cry. Brooks Palmer felt badly and asked for me back.

Brooks Palmer took my outside and put me on the ground. He lay down beside me and together we soaked up the sun.

Inheritance

I recently inherited the Chauvet Cave in France, the site of ancient cave paintings. I'm not much into caves, nor that it was sealed off from the public and thus I couldn't profit from admission fees.

So I gave a nice financial donation to the village of Vallon-Pont-d'Arc, the town where the cave resides, and they okayed me turning the cave into a movie theater.

It's since been converted with the cave paintings still intact.

The Chauvet Cave Miniplex has three screens and opens up this weekend just in time for Insurgent 2!

What We Saw

I looked in the mirror and saw the face of Edgar Allan Poe looking back at me.

I asked what he was doing there. Poe said the same thing at the same time.

Poe said, "Sir, I must ask that you exit my mirror at once!" I was simultaneously verbatim.

I stepped away from the mirror and stepped back in time with Poe.

We chimed, "This is a mystery upon mysteries."

Just then my wife came into the bathroom and saw her reflection as Madam Curie. They both said, "Vous avez à me faire marcher!"*


* It's French for, "You've got to be kidding me!"

Out on the Lake

I took a paddle boat out onto the lake with God.

Neither of us said anything for a while.

Finally God said, "Are you upset with me?

I said no.

God said, "Are you sure?"

I said yes.

There was silence.

I said, "Are you upset with me?"

God, "Yes, I am."

I said, "Then why didn't you just say so?"

God said, "You should have just known."

Nervous

I was feeling anxious and took my time machine a week into the future. When I got there, I found my future self sitting in my living room feeling anxious.

My future self said, "Why did you come and visit me?"

The present me said, "I wanted to see if everything I've been worried about has happened."

The future me said, "Not yet."

The Ocean

I went for a walk by the ocean, feeling gloomy.

The ocean said, "Wait a second, I've got something to cheer you up."

A minute later, hundreds of whales came near the shore and spouted water at the same time. It was like a reverse flow Niagara Falls.

The ocean said, "Are you feeling better now?"

I said much, much better.

But then the whales beached themselves. I tried pushing them back in the water but they wouldn't budge.

I asked the ocean for help. The ocean felt badly that its gift backfired.

I said, "It doesn't matter, can you help?"

The ocean rose its tide and the whales swam away.

I asked the ocean if it felt okay now.

The ocean said, "Yes, thank you so much!!"

The desk

I sat at my desk. But I couldn't think of anything to write.

My desk reacted by dismantling and rebuilding into a go-cart.

My desk said, "Hop in."

I got in and we roared out my front door.

My chair yelled back from the doorway, "What about me?"

Arctic

I was walking through the Arctic when I came upon a carrot-nosed snowman.

I said, "I thought you only existed in front of people's houses."

The snowman said, "It must be a lot of pressure to think that you know everything."

I said, "It is."

The Beach

God and I took a stroll along the beach in San Diego.

God said, "You look really tired."

I said that I was worn out from all the winter in Chicago.

God said, "I made the weather shitty for you back in Chicago so you'd come out here and see this amazing beach."

I said I would have come out to the beach if he had just asked me.

God said, "No you wouldn't."

I said, "Yeah, you're right."

Circumstances Bring Change

I was walking in my backyard when I fell into a hole that took me to the center of the earth. At least I think it was the center. I fell for a very long time. But sometimes things seem long because of the resistance to what's happening.

I eventually landed on an island of dirt that was surrounded by an ocean of lava.

I felt so tiny amidst this tumultuous sea of fire. It was a good experience because lately I'd been thinking a lot about my problems and this put things in perspective.