The Inquiry

I woke up this morning to find God sitting at the end of my bed.

I asked what I'd done wrong.

God said, "I'm not here to punish you."

I asked if I was going to die.

God said, "No."

I told God who I was and asked if God was there by mistake.

God said, "Do you ever wonder why good things rarely happen to you?"

Solution

I sat in a puddle.

Someone came by and said, "Why are you sitting in a puddle?"

I said that I was hot and it was helping me cool down.

The person said, "Let me give it a try." She sat down in the puddle.

She said, "I see what you mean."

The Walk

I took my pet worm, Mildred, to the vet because she'd been feeling down. The vet said Mildred needed exercise.

So that afternoon I took her out for a walk.

Mildred made her best efforts as I "walked" alongside her, saying, "You can do it!"

One of my neighbors called out to me from their yard and asked why I was just standing on the sidewalk, talking to myself.

Mildred looked defeated.

I said that I was taking my time.

Mildred looked up at me and smiled.

The drink

I went to the wishing well. I tossed in my quarter.

The wishing well said, "Yeah, what do you want?"

I said I wanted a drink of water.

The wishing well got angry and said, "Are you kidding me? I don't do that anymore! I grant wishes!"

I said that wanting a drink of water was a wish.

The wishing well was silent. Suddenly the bucket rose up from inside the well, filled to the brim with water. I took a drink.

The person in line behind me said to the others behind him, "Hey, it's just a well." They all left.

The wishing well said, "You idiot, now look what you've done!"

I said that it was only a matter of time.

oh...

Hungry

I went out to a field and laid down.

After a few minutes, a vulture landed next to me. I told the vulture that I laid down for a rest, and wasn't dying and ready to be a meal.

The vulture said, "The thing is, I'm really hungry."

So I took a PB&J sandwich out of my jacket pocket and gave it to the vulture. The vulture thanked me, ate the sandwich, and laid down next to me. We feel asleep soon after.

But then we were awaken by a bear. The bear growled and said, "I'm going to eat you both."

I thought to myself that a restaurant would do very well here.

The answer

I took a walk around the lake with God. I wasn't saying anything.

God said, "You seem troubled."

I said, "I'm sorry, it's just that every time we get together I spout an endless list of things I want from you. I'm so sick of begging."

God said, "Oh, you don't need to worry about that. I never listen to you anyway."

I said to God, "Then why do you go for walks with me?"

God said, "I need the exercise."

My life goal is to be the next Brooks Palmer.

Presents I Got for Christmas

Presents that I got for Christmas this year:

1. A rhino. Not stuffed but alive. So far it's just standing in my living room eating from a pile of hay. I'm being so quiet as to not incite it into ramming things with its big horn.

2. An Invisible Man Outfit. I already wore it this morning. I went shopping and no one noticed me. Though that's kind of the case normally.

3. A Hummingbird Egg Omelet Maker. I have to add 75 eggs to make an omelet. So far I have two eggs. I think I'll have to eat something else because I'm getting very hungry.

4. Chocolate Pants. They're a perfect fit and I don't eat chocolate so it works out well.

5. A photo of God. God is sitting on the couch watching TV. I think it's I Love Lucy. That's a pretty good show.

6. A 20 pound bar of gold. I'm going to use it as a door stop. My previous one wasn't heavy enough and the door kept shutting.

7. A signed photo of President Obama. He wrote, "I hope you like this picture. Everyone seems to be upset at me these days, so it would be nice to know there's one happy person."

Gratitude

It helps to be grateful for the little things...if you can find them.

This

I happen to notice how well you.

New Workshop!

I'm starting the year out fresh by offering a How to Have Patience workshop. It only costs $500. Register now!

The course date is January, 23, 2025.