Year's End

I was woken up in the middle of the night by a distraught and in tears 2014.

I asked what was wrong.

2014 said, "I have so much left to accomplish."

I said, "Look, I think you're tired. It's time to stop and rest."

2014 started crying even harder.

I asked what was wrong now.

2014 said, "You're so nice to me!"

The Talk

God showed up in my living room.

I didn't say anything.

God said, "Aren't you glad to see me?"

I said that I always feel like a fool when we talk.

God said, "Would you like to watch TV instead?"

The Conclusion

I sat on a tree stump in the forest. A deer came up to me.

I said to the deer that I wished I could live in the peace and quiet of the woods.

The deer said, "I long for the excitement of city living. "

I said that constant excitement leads to exhaustion.

The deer said, "Endless sublimity leads to dullness of the mind and eventually the spirit." 

I said that it seems that nothing in the universe is essentially fulfilling.

The deer said, "What's the point in living?"

Suddenly a grizzly bear came out from behind the trees, running and roaring, with claws in the air.

The deer and I looked at each other and ran.

4th Step

I'm working the 4th step of the 12 Step Program. I'm at the part where you list all your resentments - the people you're still angry with.

Here's one: I was the waiter at the Last Supper. Jesus and all his disciples were in a dour mood, and they forgot to leave a tip.

Woke to This

The Sun called me late last night and woke me up. The Sun was in tears. I asked why.

The Sun said, "Just so you know, when it's night, I don't turn into the Moon. It's a dirty rotten lie the Moon is spreading."

Helpful Hint

How to Relax:

WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOU!?!?

Oh, nothing. What a relief.

I'm forming a group for people who have a hard time saying, "No."

I'd like you to join but I'm afraid you might say, "Yes" when you want to say, "No."

Come to think of it, I'm not sure I want to be in this group. But I feel like I have to be in it because I've formed the group.

Ride

I was feeling kind of riled up about something ridiculous, and I got in my car and started driving. 

After many miles I got to South Dakota and saw Mt. Rushmore from the road. 

The face of Teddy Roosevelt looked down and said, "Where you going?" 

I said I didn't know. 

The face of Teddy Roosevelt said, "Can I come with you?" 

I said sure. 

The face of Teddy Roosevelt didn't fit in the car, so I strapped him to the roof. It dented the roof a little, but it was nice to have the company.

Paper

I was reading the Sunday New York Times, when the paper suddenly woke up. It last remembered being a tree and asked me what was going on.

I explained that it had been cut down, turned into pulp, and then converted into a newspaper.

The paper took it hard.

My co-dependency led me to take the paper outside, dig a hole in the ground, role the paper up, and stick it vertically in the hole.

I stood back and said, "There you go."

The paper said, "Really?!"

Peace of Mind?

I was feeling too internet needy. So I took my rocket ship to the Moon because the extremely weak wi-fi signal up there doesn't make it worth going online.

I had to take a two-and-a-half hour walk on the Moon to soothe my jangly nerves.

Finally I felt peaceful.

But then I kind of messed things up by coming back to Earth so I could send you this post.

Quarter!

Yesterday, I spontaneously turned into a quarter.

I spent some time in warm pockets. I was tossed into a pile of other (smelly) quarters in a cash register drawer. And once I was accidentally dropped on the sidewalk, and I got stepped on a lot, but was never injured.

At one point, I ended up in the change return part of a pay phone. I didn't know pay phones even existed anymore!

Change of Seasons

I woke up to discover snow in my front yard.

I went outside and asked the snow to leave. The snow said it wasn't going anywhere.

I went back out to my garage and got out a can of gasoline and a pack of matches. I came back to the front yard, poured the gasoline on the snow, and lit it with a match.

The snow caught fire and melted. There was nothing left but smouldering, blackened grass.

I love springtime!