Boat

I inherited an ocean liner. My grandfather was a collector of boats and he recently died and left me his ocean liner. I have great memories of when I was a kid running around the decks with my sister as the ship passed through the Suez Canal, or around the Glaciers of Alaska. I don't have the space in my driveway for the ocean liner, so I'm selling it. I'm including the trailer hitch at no extra charge.

Calender

Today is the best day yet ever because it's not yesterday. 

Yesterday sucked.

Visionary

I'm sitting on my couch, looking out the window at trees, imagining the books they will one day become.

Earth Day

I took the Earth to see the movie Noah for Earth Day. 

Afterwards we went for a walk and I asked if the Earth thought it would ever flood itself again. 

The Earth said it was considering it since I didn't buy it popcorn and a soda.

Jesus

Jesus came over to my house.

We danced to some albums.

He helped me do the dishes. I put suds on my head. Jesus laughed.

 We laid out on the grass in my backyard and looked up at the sky.

I asked Jesus what's the secret to life.

Jesus said, "Everything we've been doing up till you asked that question."

Stroll

I was walking alongside the swamp with God.

We were actually holding hands!

I think God did that because there was no one around to notice.

Snow

I woke up this morning to snow in my yard.

I went outside and said, "What the hell's going on?"

The snow said, "What do you mean? This is what I do."

I went to my garage, got out a gas can, went to my yard, poured gasoline on the snow, lit it, and watched the flames melt the snow away in a few minutes.

I went inside and poured myself a glass of water.

The water said, "You can't hide from me."

Train

I was walking on the train tracks. I got tired and laid down. 

A train came by and said, "Look, you've got to get up or I'll have to run you over." 

I said that the train sounded tired and if it wanted to it could lay down next to me. 

The train turned on it's side, I spooned it, and it was asleep in seconds.

Vincent

I was born without ambition. 

My parents were worried that I wouldn't amount to anything. So when I was five they would put the Vince Lombardi motivational record, "You Can and You Must!" on repeat play while I slept. 

It was successful in getting me to pee the bed.

Bath Time

I bought a duck and took baths with it.

It was better than the rubber kind. Even with the shit and feathers.

Titanic

I took my time machine to the deck of the Titanic in 1912.

A jazz band was playing. Some people were dancing. Others stood on the railing and looked at the water.

Someone came up to me and noticed that I was dressed oddly.

I said that I was from the future.

They asked what I was doing on the Titanic.

I said that I needed to get the bad taste of the movie out of my mouth.

Complain

My dog Rexy said, "I noticed when humans complain about anything it sounds like they are tired."

I said that was an unfair judgement.

My dog Rexy had me lay down and close my eyes. I was asleep in seconds.