I Ask

Sometimes I go to the bank. I ask them if I can count their money.

They say maybe tomorrow because they can see my fingers are covered in honey.

time to go

I felt the snap, pop and crackle of imminent time travel as I did the dishes. I set down the plate in the sink.

Last time I time-traveled, I was doing dishes and brought a Superman plate with me and ended up in early Mespotania, 692 BC and left the plate there. I really liked that plate.

The sink faded away and I fell back in time. I traveled through the time-time tubes and landed inside of a moving covered wagon.

There were pots and pans, suitcases and clothes, gadgets, and other various sundries. I managed my way to the front. I looked out and saw desert and a long road. There was a man out front, steering his horses. I was glad. I'd been spending too much time inside lately.

I asked if I could join him. He said he'd appreciate the pleasure of my company. I think before there were TV, movies, internet, phones, airplanes, asphalt, and mass-produced books there were just people and horses and places to live. A person was an electrifying thing.

I asked the man where he was going. He said San Francisco. I asked where we were. He said on the outskirts of Wyoming. He said we'd be on the coast in just four months. I said that might be pushing it.

Some Assembly Required

I woke up as a to-be-assembled kitchen table at Ikea. In a few hours, I was purchased by a family.

The family brought me home and assembled me in their kitchen so that I was a fully formed table.

Tonight the family had dinner on me.

Half-way through the meal I couldn't keep quiet anymore and told them about my experience.

The family was stunned.

I asked not be treated as odd. I asked if they could treat me like a guest in their home. They said they could do that.

Later on, the family put me table-top side down on the sofa bed in the living room. They made sure I was warm enough under the sheets and comforter. We exchanged pleasant good-nights.

As I lay there, the loneliness that had been part of my life for so long life lifted. I was part of a family. My heart felt free.

Flow

I died and went to Heaven.

I was invited in and given a cloud.

I laid on my cloud and fell asleep. I couldn't sleep long and woke up groggy when the sun shone on my face. 

Then I was told it was time for me to go to work. I had to assemble harps. It was an exhausting eight-hour shift. I was angry that I still had to work.

Then I had to use the bathroom. I couldn't find one. I had to ask around. I almost didn't make it in time.

When I came out of the bathroom I ran into God. I said that I was feeling upset that being dead was just like being alive.

God said that I was often upset about things when I was alive too, so it made sense.

In a Field

I walked along through the poppy field with the ghost of famous painter Claude Monet.

I asked if he wished if he were alive so he could paint this field.

The ghost of Monet said it was like a mild distant hunger.

I said that I'm really good at crumpling paper and tossing it across the room into a trash can. But since I do most of my writing on computer, I rarely get the the chance to make that shot.

Reverse

I went to the wishing well. I tossed in a quarter.

The wishing well said, "What do you want?"

I said, "What do you want?"

There was silence.

Then I heard a bubbling sound. The water from the well rose up and flowed over the top. It kept flowing until a lake was formed. Then it stopped.

By then I was standing on a hill overlooking the lake. 

I said, "It's nice to see you."

The lake said, "It's nice to see you too."

Ring of Fire

My parents got Johnny Cash for my fifth birthday party. He brought his guitar and sang Ring of Fire.

I started to cry when he sang, "I fell in to a burning ring of fire, I went down, down, down and the flames went higher."

Johnny Cash stopped singing and said that he wasn't really on fire.

I asked my dad if it wasn't too late to get a clown. 

Johnny Cash said he had the wig and make-up out in his car.

Making the Most of Things

I took a stroll along the beach with the ghost of movie star Clark Gable.

We came upon a sand dollar.

The ghost of Clark Gable said that he would happily give up all his memories of being a movie star if he could come back to life as that sand dollar.

Suddenly the ghost of Clark Gable fluttered like a hazy TV signal and then zipped into the body of the sand dollar.

Clark/sand dollar let out a Woo-hoo!

Just then a sandpiper flew down to the sand dollar, stuck its beak in, and slurped down the contents.

I picked up the sand dollar and flicked it across the water. It skipped nine times!

Drone

I had a drink at a bar with a drone military aircraft. 

The drone was feeling guilty about the people it killed. I said it didn't kill anyone. An unseen force programmed all its actions. 

The drone said that we can't avoid responsibility through mindless spiritualism. 

I called my friend who programs flies drones for the military. I put him on the phone with the drone. The drone's mouth dropped open.

Revelation

I was walking through the woods when I came upon a bear. 

The bear asked if I had a gun. I said no. I asked the bear if it was going to eat me. The bear said no. 

The bear said, "Just another fun day in the woods!"

Lake

I was out fishing in the lake when I was visited by the ghost of the 14th President of the United States, Franklin Pierce.

The ghost of Pierce said, "While President, during my most stressful and trying periods, I would take a boat out to the lake, and be calmed by its gentle natures."

I said that I mostly really like fish.

The ghost of Pierce said, "A man must know what he wants so he can refuse what he doesn't."

I said that my girlfriend really hates fish. She likes burgers. She tried to get me to eat burgers instead. A few times we almost broke up because of my refusals.

This Too Shall Pass

I reached into my pocket for some change and ran into a hand.

I pulled my hand out right away. I pulled my pocket open and looked to see what was going on in there.

I saw someone on the other end of the pocket, pulling that end open and looking at me.

I said, "Excuse me, what are you doing in my pocket?"

The other person said, "But this is my pocket!"

I suggested we both close our pockets and wait a minute. Then we would open our pockets and see if we each got our pockets back. The other person agreed. I closed my pocket and waited.

Comfortable

I sat on the couch with my dog Rexy. Rexy said, "We never go anywhere anymore."

I got up off the couch, put Rexy on her leash, and left the house. We got in the car and drove to the airport. We got on a flight to Istanbul. We arrived 18 hours later. We took a cab to a motel. We went to the room and sat on the bed.

Rexy said, "This is a lot like being back home."

I pet Rexy's head. I said, "It's nice, isn't it?"

Retuned

My guitar fell apart. I tried gluing it back together. My guitar asked if instead it could be used for kindling. My guitar wanted to experience turning into fire.

I accepted its request and tossed the pieces of guitar into the fireplace. I struck a match and held the flame under the guitar wood. The guitar shouted, "Owwwwww! Owwww! Owwww!"

I said, "Sorry. I'll get the glue again."

The guitar said, "Thanks."

Snow

The snow fell for a third day in a row. 

I went outside and asked the snow if it could land somewhere else. The snow began to cry and said that it was tired and needed to rest. I apologized, put a blanket over the snow, and sang it a lullaby until it fell asleep. 

It was an electric blanket.

My Intention

I was walking through the woods when I came upon an elk. The elk asked if I wanted a beer. I said yes. The elk gave me a can of Rolling Rock. Normally I don't care for Rolling Rock, but it was being given to me by an elk!

The elk asked me to what did he owe this honor or my company. It's hard to not feel good when someone is cordial with me. It doesn't give me the chance to think badly of them.

I said to the elk that I like to get away and walk by myself through the woods. The elk asked if I'd rather be alone. I said no, that it was okay.

Deep down I did want to be by myself. I's hard for me to not over-consider others feelings. That's the reason I came out to the woods. But sometimes the world is in the woods.

Oh

I had tea with God.

I asked God if it was true that he only gives me what I can handle.

God said, "What's your name again?"

The Progression

My car ran out of gas on the freeway. I got out and walked. 

Eventually a horse came alongside me and asked if I needed a ride. I said no, but I could use a walking buddy. The horse said okay. 

We talked a lot about hay.

Balance

The world is full of assholes. Everyone gets their chance.

Trying

I've been trying to write something interesting, but nothing has been coming up.

My dog Rexy said, "Why don't you just lay off?"

I said that I would like to, but the impulse to write keeps coming.

My dog Rexy said, "Okay, I'm just going to sit over here and lick my balls."