Change

My broom told me it didn't want to sweep my floor anymore.

I said that wouldn't be a problem. I asked my broom what it would like to do instead.

My broom said it would like to be a tree.

So I planted my broom in my backyard, stick first.

The next day I spilled a box of cereal on the floor. I went to my backyard and asked my broom if it would come back inside with me to help with the spill.

My broom asked me to honor its decision.

I went back inside, got out a spoon, and began eating cereal off the floor.

A Different View

I got a job at McDonald's flipping burgers. I work alongside Lance Armstrong. 

Lance often gets tired and needs to take breaks. I suggested he take the stuff that helped him win the bike races. 

Lance said it's not worth it because the stakes aren't as high.

Quack

I showed up to my first day of work as the editor of the New York Times today, but the office was empty, probably due to the storm.

I wanted to live up to the paper's tagline, "Alright, Already!" and get today's edition completed.

I went outside and found a bunch of ducks paddling down the river/street. I offered them the crumbs of a loaf of bread if they would help. The ducks agreed.

We went up to the offices. I gave each duck a desk and computer and they began typing away. When the ducks were done, I got a loaf of bread from the fridge, broke it up in pieces and fed the ducks.

I'm now assembling what the ducks wrote for tomorrow morning's edition. I recommend reading a great article on which Presidential candidate is most worth pooping on from the air.

My Busy Day

Sometimes I turn into a puddle of water on the street. 

Birds fly down and use me for a bath. 

During the middle of their wash I say, "Look out, here comes the cat!" 

The birds freak out and say, "Where, where?!?" 

I have a lot of free time.

Looking Around for What Fits

I had lunch with Mitt Romney. 

He said that running for President is hard work and he's doubting he has it in him to actually do the job if he gets elected. 

I asked Mitt what he likes. He said pineapples. I said he should get a job that involves pineapples. 

He agreed and bought the Dole company. He was so happy.

Another Jackson Problem

I was lounging around my pool when I was visited by the ghost of Andrew Jackson. It's awkward when I don't know much about the dead person who is visiting me. Dead people are extremely insecure because of their lack of life. I had to pretend to know how great Andrew Jackson was.

I said, "Wow, I am so lucky. I can't believe I'm being visited by the great Andrew Jackson!"

The ghost of Andrew Jackson said, "You are most kind sir."

I said, "To what do I owe this great honor?"

The ghost of Andrew Jackson said, "Your grand offerings of greetings make me humble in my request to savor these waters on your fine land."

I said, "My waters are your waters."

The ghost of Andrew Jackson stripped down completely naked and jumped into my pool. My neighbor happened to catch sight of Jackson's nude state and yelled from his yard, "Could you please put on a bathing suit?"

I said, "But it's the illustrious Andrew Jackson."

My neighbor said, "You can tell Mr. Andy Jackson that I neither appreciated his inhumane treatment of the American Indians during his presidency, nor do I now enjoy the sight of his snow white buttocks."

I thought, "That saves me from having to look him up on Wikipedia."

Full Circle

I was taking a stroll across the icy tundra of northern Canada when a polar bear appeared out of nowhere and began to chase me.

I don't even know why I ran. I only have two legs and my boots have crappy traction. But there I was, panting, slipping and yelling.

I soon ran out of breath and stopped. I expected the polar bear to be mauling and eating me in seconds. I turned around and saw the polar bear a few feet away. Like an idiot I covered my head and screamed.

The polar bear stopped and said it had no intention of eating me. The polar bear said its name was Billy Beaver, a classmate of mine from elementary school. The polar bear said it had species transformation surgery ten years back, and afterwards migrated up to northern Canada.

I apologized for my behavior and said I was glad to see Billy again. We reminisced about our school days. Billy asked if I was still a terrible speller. I said that I was. But I was proud of my invention of spell-check.

Loud Quiet

I went to see Neil Young in concert. After playing two songs, he put down his guitar, and sat on the edge of the stage. He said he wanted to sit quietly and look around.

After a few minutes some people headed towards the exits. A half hour later everyone had left.

Except for me.

Neil Young asked me if I wanted to come and sit on the stage with him. I walked to the stage, climbed on, and sat down.

Neither of us said anything.

About an hour later, the staff of the auditorium said that they were closing up and we needed to leave.

Neil went backstage. I walked out the exit door into the night.

I was walking towards the train when I heard a honk. It was Neil Young driving his tour bus. He waved at me. I waved back. He drove on past.

Time travailing

I was giving my dog Rexy a tick bath in the backyard when I heard the snap, pop, and crackle of imminent time travel. The backyard disappeared and Rexy and I were soon falling through time. I actually noticed a few ticks in soap bubbles falling in the air above Rexy.

Rexy and I landed in the oval office of the White House. I looked over at the desk and saw President Abraham Lincoln looking back at us. He actually did that thing where he pulled his glasses down his nose so he could make sure he was seeing what he saw.

I said, "Good day, President Lincoln." It's always good to call a person by their name in a very weird situation. It gives them the false sense that everything is okay.

President Lincoln said, "I must say that I've just seen the oddest of occurrences. You both were not here, and then lo and behold, you were." The great thing about the times when there were no tv, radio, movies or the internet is that people were entertained by the things that actually happened to them.

I said, "Mr. President. My dog Rexy are from the future. 2012 to be exact. I know that our entrance is different than most you have encountered. All I can say is, for some unknown reason, we spontaneously find ourselves ejected to various points in time."

President Lincoln said, "From the future say ye? What can you then say is imminent for myself?"

I said, "What's the date?"

President Lincoln said, "April 15th, 1865."

My dog Rexy and I looked at each other with one of those, "Oh shit!" glances.

President Lincoln got up from his desk, came over to us, looked directly at Rexy and said, "Out with it, don't spare details for fear of hurting my sensitive soul."

Just then I again felt the crackle of time travel. The Oval Office started to fade. Rexy leaned forward and bit into Lincoln's pant's leg. The room disappeared.

Rexy and I and President Lincoln landed in Rexy's bug bath in my backyard.

I said, "I can say for certain that you'll be tick free!"

We're All the Same

I was walking down an alleyway at Hofstra University. I saw President Obama chain smoking next to a dumpster. Mitt Romney came out into the alley and proceeded to eat a whole bag of cookies. 

I asked if they were nervous about the debate. They said no, they'd been nervous since they were kids. 

I said me too. I compulsively started cracking my knuckles like a crazy man, and counted up to ten repeatedly. Mitt put the cookie bag over his head and began sniffing for crumbs. Obama lit and smoked ten cigarettes at one time. 

Finding Value

I won the lottery. I was so excited when I read the winning numbers on the internet that I put the winning ticket in a frame and hung it over my bed. This way when I went to bed at night, I would see the ticket and be reminded of how lucky I am.

My wife said I'm a fool and said I should bring the ticket to the lottery office, get the winnings, and look at our bank account as a reminder of my good fortune.

I said that I would forget where the money came from, get used to the money, and go about my life, finding fault with the constant little difficulties that life brings my way.

My wife said that I would eventually get used to seeing the lottery ticket above the bed, stop noticing it, and forget it ever happened. She promised that if I cashed in the winning ticket, she would remind me on a daily basis of my good fortune.

I said that it's impossible to be consistent in one's actions. We're built for variety.

My wife took the frame with the winning ticket off the wall and cracked it over my head.

I took the lottery ticket out of the frame, went into the kitchen, opened a can of dog food, put the food in a bowl, and pushed the lottery ticket into the middle of the dog food. I set the bowl of dog food on the ground. I called my dog Rexy, who came into the kitchen and ate the food.

I picked up my dog Rexy. She licked my face.

Good Intentions

I went to see Argo starring Ben Affleck. 

About 15 minutes into the film, Ben looked off screen towards me. He said, "Weren't you in the audience for Chasing Amy?" 

I went and told the usher what happened. The usher said that Ben Affleck was just being friendly. I went back to my seat. Ben was waiting for me. 

I said "I'm sorry, but yes that was me." 

Ben said, "Well, it's good to see you again." 

I said, "It's good to see you too."

Going Back

I went to visit my second grade teacher, Mrs. Coletrade. She was in a nursing home. I brought some of my old graded tests to help jog her memory on who I was.

She noticed that she missed some of the grammatical errors on my English tests. Then she changed my C- minus grades to D-.

I got upset at Mrs. Coletrade. She asked why I even came to see her in the first place.

I said I was hoping to reminisce and remember the good old days.

Mrs. Coletrade said life is a turd and the closer you take a look, it's still a turd.

I asked how come she didn't tell us this when we were in second grade.

She said, "It's like I said."

Not What You Think

I inherited the beach ball factory from my dad. I took over the day to day management and soon ran the company into the ground.

After auctioning off all the manufacturing machines, office equipment, and the building to pay back the creditors, all I was left with was the beach ball from the lobby display case.

I took the beach ball to the lake and had a great time frolicking in the water.

Afterwards as I lay resting in the sand, the beach ball revealed everything that happened was part of its elaborate plan of escape.

It's like my uncle Saul used to say, "The world is run by unseen forces."

Whoing

I laid down on the grass in my backyard. I closed my eyes and felt the sun on my face.

Soon after, I felt a tickle on my cheek. I opened my eyes to see the Who's Pete Townshend caressing my face with a fallen leaf.

I said, "You startled me."

Pete Townshend said, "Would you like to buy a copy of my new autobiography, Who I Am?" He was carrying a copy.

I got out my wallet and said, "Absolutely."

I handed Pete Townshend $30. He took my money, slipped the leaf into the book and handed it to me. 

I said, "Thanks."

He nodded and smiled.

I was so enamored, I took the leaf out of the book and ate it.

Pete Townshend said, "Bon appetit!"

Lost

I took a tour of the White House. I got lost from the group.

I was walking down a random hallway when I came across President Obama. I said I was lost.

He said he sometimes felt the same way too. A tear came from his eye. A rainbow came out of the tear.

I gave him $5 for his campaign.

Reminder

As I walked through the woods, the trees told me that I was actually a tree who not long ago had changed into a human. As an example, the trees cited the Twilight Zone episode where a mannequin becomes a human and then forgets her true nature and has to be reminded. 

I said that the trees knowledge of that TV show meant they were probably humans who were temporarily trees.

Suddenly the entire forest turned into a crowd of thousands of dazed and noisy people. Most of them wanted rides home.

It's hard to get away.

I opened a can of string beans. I was surprised to find it filled with gold coins. 

I felt pretty good. 

I mean, I like string beans. But I really like gold coins.

Wished

I was walking down the beach when I came across a blue bottle. I could see an anxious genie inside the bottle. The genie was waving its arms at me. I figured if I took the lid off the bottle, the genie would come out and grant me three wishes.

The thing is, I'm terrible at making decisions. I was born with the disease of over-thinking. How annoying would it be for me to have to come up with three wishes?

I kept walking. I heard the ping of the genie's little fists banging on glass of the bottle. I felt terrible. But it's like what my rabbi is always telling me, "It's understood that if you're taken to dinner, you're going to have to put out."

One Thing Leads to Another

I ditched my car and now I ride a cloud to work.

But a cloud can't be steered. So I end up everywhere but my job.

I've long since been fired.

Well, at least I never need a raincoat.

Problem Solved

My car got stuck in the mud. I got out to push my car. I slipped and fell in the mud. 

My car looked back and said, "Dude, don't even think of getting back in me." 

I got angry and gave my car keys to a cow grazing in the field. The cow got in the car and drove off down the road. 

I think the extra weight helped.