An Act of Genius

I was feeling depressed and the ghost of Thomas Edison kept trying to cheer me up.

The ghost of Thomas Edison coated my dog Rexy's tail in butter. Rexy went nuts, spinning in circles trying to eat the butter. Fascinatingly the butter turned to whipped cream.

It turns out fascination evaporates deep sadness and I was happy again. 

The ghost of Thomas Edison joked that he invented a cure for depression that could be sold in grocery stores.

Oh, I See

I dug a deep hole in my backyard.

I couldn't figure out why.

I set down the shovel and sat at the edge of the hole.

The hole said, "Daddy!"

Home Without a Hat

I got rid of the roof in my home because I like to look up at the stars when I sleep at night.

Being without a roof sucks when it rains and snows. Birds have a way of crapping on my furniture. When it's cloudy, I get depressed.

My love of stars is a curse. But on a clear night, it's one of the better feeling ones.

Self-confident!

Today I realized that stoplights are wrong. 

I ran through every red light to show them that I am right. There was resistance. I expected that. My car took some hits. 

But my confidence is unscathed.

Almost

I won a trip to St. Petersburg, Russia. But when I got there, I found out it didn't include hotel accommodations.

While wandering and shivering aimlessly outside, I met up with some homeless people who were adept at burning old pieces of furniture they found in alleyways. They were in the midst of burning a sleeper sofa.

I remarked how if we weren't flammable, it would have been the source of a good night's sleep.

Not So Far Away

I own a home in Martha's Vineyard. I've never been there.

I have a picture of this house on a wall of my home in Prescott, Arizona. When people come over, I show them the picture and tell them what I know about the house based on the one sheet that my real estate person faxed me.

People sometimes ask why I bought the house. I said that I was born with the ability to feel close to things that are far away. Sometimes closer than things in the same room.

People often remark on the character of the two rocks out front along the driveway. I say, "So you can see what I'm saying."

Easier Said

I had lunch with Neil Young. I asked him about his new autobiography. He said he didn't want to talk about it.

I told him that I figure everything everyone does is their autobiography in present time. Plus you don't have to type words.

John Cheever

I was visited by the ghost of the author John Cheever. He's a great hummer. He can hum any song, and it sounds like it's backed by an orchestra.

In a break between songs, I asked the ghost of John Cheever what he felt was the secret to great writing. He said scotch and momentum.

I showed the ghost of John Cheever some of my Better Late Than Dead blog posts. He felt they displayed whimsy. They I showed him my ability to whip a Frisbee up in the air around a tree and then back to my waiting hands. He said that showed dexterity and co-dependency.

Then the ghost of John Cheever hummed My Sharona. I recorded it and played it back after he left. It sounded no different than the recorded version by the Knack!

Negotiating

I went for a run deep in the woods with God.

I said, "God, you are great, oh so wonderful, and amazing in your many ways. If you help me win the lottery tonight, I promise you I will stop texting while driving."

God said, "You have this way of ruining the peacefulness of a moment."

Down the Road

I went fishing. I caught a 124 pound catfish. I tied it to the top of my car and drove home. 

A few minutes down the road I looked out my rear-view window and saw I was being followed by hundreds of feral cats.

I pulled over, untied the catfish and tossed it on the ground. The cats ate the fish in ten minutes flat. I tied the catfish skeleton to the roof and got back on the freeway. 

I shut off the radio and listened to the wind whistling through the bones.

The Readiness is Everything

I had lunch with the Sun. 

The Sun loves fries and ate two orders. Afterwards the Sun had a stomach ache. 

I pet the Sun's belly until it felt better. 

I didn't burn my hand because of my asbestos gloves.

Oh, I See

I had tea at my friend Mark Knopfler's home. We never say much. We like to sip and look out at the countryside.

Today however, I said, "Sometimes I wonder if the world I see is ever so slowly being painted."

Mark Knopfler said, "That's the beauty of oil paint. It looks so real!"

Beared

I was walking in the woods when I came across a grizzly bear. My heart spiked with adrenalin. I couldn't move or think.

I figured, what the hell, and asked the bear, "Excuse me, I don't know the proper response. Am I supposed to run from you, or do I fall on the ground and roll up into a ball?"

The bear said, "I understand that you are afraid, but your response has hurt my feelings."

I said, "I'm so sorry."

I opened my arms and hugged the bear. The bear hugged me back. After about ten seconds, it got awkward.

Bountiful the Daisies

I dreamt I was a cartoon character in a very popular Saturday morning show called, Bountiful the Daisies. It was about elves and fairies that lived in and amongst the daisies in a field behind a slaughter-house.

My name was Migrador. I was an intellectual elf who felt it was more important to know what made a plant grow than appreciate its beauty. The writers of the show wrote me as a snobby buffoon. But deep down, I was intensely curious about the mechanics of evolution.

Not again!

I got lost in the desert again. It's the fourth time this year!

I tried to prevent it from happening by tying ten miles of string from my car bumper to my right ankle. But miles into the desert, I heard a sound and turned around and discovered that my car had followed me.

I got so angry! My car told me that it was sorry, but it loved me and wanted to be by my side.

My car and I hugged as vultures circled us from overhead.

Oh, Okay

I went to my guru. 

My guru said, "What is it now?!" 

I said, "I want to have acceptance for whatever happens." 

My guru jumped up and stomped on my foot. I fell to the floor, cradling my foot in great pain, and said, "Why did you do that?" 

 My guru said, "Acceptance doesn't mean approval."

Motivation

I am a pep-talker for motivational speakers. I get them excited before they go out and give their talk.

It turns out it's unnatural to be motivated. We are built for fear. We have inherited the "beware of what might eat you" genes from our ancestors. Cave men never needed to be positive and inspiring.

Today I worked with Anthony Robbins before he went out and speak to a convention hall filled with 15,000 people. He was nervous that he would suck, that the audience would throw things at him, that they might even set him on fire. He was in his bewareness.

I told him that he was the Modigliani of inspiration. He could inspire a gnat to fly into a bird's mouth. I got Tony up and running around the room, punching the air and saying to himself, "I'm too big to be eaten by anyone!!" He ran out of the room, and into the hall, and was met with thunderous applause. He did an amazing job.

I hire my own pep-talker to get me inspired to motivate the speakers. She's an 82 year old retiree. She tells me, "If you don't do a good job, they won't pay you, you won't be able to eat, and you'll die!"

It's a Small World

I had lunch with the ghost of Walt Disney. 

The ghost of Walt asked me what I want to do with my life. I said enjoy the meal we were having. 

The ghost of Walt said it's not enough to just enjoy the moment, but I need to dream big about the future. 

I asked Walt how the future was working out for him. 

The ghost of Walt went back to eating his meal and said, "These fries are delicious!"

Completion

I was trying to write a text while driving and drove off the side of a cliff. My car and I blew up on impact.

I arrived in heaven. I was met by an angel. The angel welcomed me and asked if I needed anything. I asked if I could get a cell phone.

The angel got me a cell phone. I finished up the text I had been writing to my friend.  I said that I had been running late, but now it looked like I wouldn't be coming over after all.

She texted back wanting to know why. 

I texted back that I had driven off a cliff while texting and died.

She texted that I should have been more careful.

I wondered why we were friends.

Therapy

My house woke me up at 2 am last night by clearing its throat. My house said, "I have a deep desire to be a skyscraper, but I've already been designed and built as a house. This makes me sad. If I could only learn to be happy as I am."
I said, "I think you would have been a shitty skyscraper. You have a fear of heights."

My house said, "You know me so well. I'm glad you live in me."

I made a mental note to call the realtor in the morning.

Watching Out for Each Other

I sat down on the chair. The chair broke. I fell to the ground. 

I asked the chair if it was okay at the same time the chair asked me. 

It's nice to be in an equal relationship.

You Do What You Need to Do

I'm on a bowling team with Mitt Romney.

We're not that good, even though we bowl on the average between 275 and 295 per game.

But that's because we play with the gutter ball protector up.