The Visitor

I heard howls coming from the mist shrouding my backyard swamp. I detected the shape of a mysterious figure moving about.

I called out, "Who dares to trespasses on my land?"

I heard from the mist, "Brooks, it's me!"

I recognized the voice of President George W. Bush.

I said, "Mr. President!"

President Bush emerged from the mists. He was wearing a black suit with a red tie. His hair was perfectly combed.

I wish I was powerful enough to always look that good.

How It Happened

I was reading the dictionary, got sleepy, and fell asleep face first in the book.

When I woke up, my mouth was filled with words I inhaled while snoozing. There were thousands of them in there.

I started talking to get the words out of my mouth.

As I spoke, I tried arranging the words alphabetically back into the book, but I'm dyslexic, so they went in bass ackwards.

I was frustrated.

But then I thought to try and make the best of it and I sent what I'd refurbished to my publisher, and lo and behold, that's how I wrote my new book!

Planning for the Future

I was walking through the woods when I came upon a Grizzly bear and her two cubs.

I sat down on the ground, took out my notebook and started writing.

The Grizzly bear said, "What are you writing?"

I said, "I heard that Grizzly bears are very protective of their cubs and will kill anything that comes near them. I'm writing my last will and testament."

The Grizzly bear said, "Can you read to me what you've written so far?"

I said, "Yes. 'I, B. Palmer, bequeath my Banana Splits drinking glasses to my dog Rutherford.' He is partial to the show and will be angry if the drinking glasses go to the cat."

The Dark Side of Recycling

I was reading the Chicago Tribune when the tree it was made from came to life. 

The tree said, "What the hell is going on?" 

I said, "You no longer live in the forest." 

The tree-paper looked around my living room and said, "Dude, when was the last time you cleaned up in here?"

The Perils of Lack of Foresight

I was exhausted and needed a break from everyone.

I got in my canoe and paddled a mile out to the middle of the lake. I stretched out in the canoe and looked up at the sky.

I noticed a flock of geese flying overhead. One goose looked down and we locked eyes.

That goose said something to the rest of the flock and they cascaded down and landed in my boat.

There were 14 geese in the boat. It was too much weight and the boat sank.

As I tread water, I was angry at myself for not having brought my hunting rifle.

Taking Care of Myself

I saw BB King in concert. 

Halfway through the show I raised my hand and asked if I could sit next to him while he played his songs. 

BB King said yes. 

I walked up to the stage. One of the stage crew brought out a folding chair and I sat next to him. 

BB King asked if I was comfortable. I said yes.

Superman

I asked Superman, "What's it like being Superman?" 

Superman said, "Actually, I've always been like this, so it's normal to me. What's it like being you?" 

I said, "Mostly wanting to be like you."

Taking Precautions

I was texting when I drove off a cliff. 

I luckily landed on a cloud which safely and gently lowered me to the ground. 

I'm going to make sure from now on that I only drive on overcast days.

A Blessed Life

My dad is the Michelin Man. My mom met him when she was a model for the tire company at the 1958 World's Fair. 

The nice thing about being their offspring is I can walk across an open field during a thunderstorm and not worry about being struck by lightening.

Some Kind of Connection

I was working underneath my car on the transmission when the ghost of Ernest Hemingway slid next to me.

Ernest Hemingway said, "Nothing made me feel more like a man than when I worked on my car. The feel of oil and road dirt on my fingers, the smell of gasoline and rust in my nostrils."

I said, "I'll never know what it feels like to be a woman because I'm a man, and since I've only been a man, I can't contrast it with anything else to be able to say what it's like to be a man."

Ernest Hemingway thought about it. Then he said, "I had a pet fish named Flanders. I spent hours, sometimes the entire day watching him swim around the fish bowl. I so wanted to know what it felt like to be a fish. But my fascination could never be translated into affinity. In the end, I reached into the fish bowl, grabbed Flanders and ate him raw. I felt him struggle as he went down my throat. I was certain I could feel him flopping around my stomach."

Enjoyment

I was watching the weather channel on TV for five hours straight when the weatherman looked into the camera and said to me, "This can't be all that interesting to you?"

I said, "I just like watching people while they work."

I Do What's Best for Me

When I get overwhelmed, I eat a stick of butter. It soothes my frayed nerves. On a particularly edgy day, I'll eat a four pack. It settles me down into a deep sleep.

My doctor thinks it's unhealthy. But that's his job.

My Friends

My girlfriend left for work. I got out of bed, opened the glass sliding doors, and got back into bed.

One-by-one my friends came in and joined me. Fred the Raccoon. Shirley the Squirrel. Omar the Possum. Bill the Ant and his family. Roger the Homeless Dog. Jake the Crow. Prudence the Scarecrow.

We laid in bed together.

Jake the Crow said, "This morning I caught a juicy worm. Just before I was to eat it, the worm said, "I'm honored that you chose me for breakfast." I wish I had that kind of openness to life's circumstances."

A Difference of Opinion

I cracked an egg for an omelet and a chick popped out.

The chick said, "Are you going to eat me?"

I said, "No, you're too skinny and cute."

My cat, Bixby said, "I disagree."

Feebly Trying to Make Things Better

I built and own a house that sits on the edge of the north wall of the Grand Canyon. I got this house because my doctor says I need to be around peaceful surroundings.

But the thing is, I'm so relaxed that I forget where I'm living and I step out the back door and fall into the Grand Canyon.

Yeah, sure, it's a pretty view as I'm falling. But the landing tends to be hard on me.

Shake the Sun

My new album came out this week. It's called Shake the Sun.

Shake the Sun is just like the things I write on this blog, but set to music.

Shake the Sun is available on iTunes.

I Tried to Help

I'm so tired because my friend the Easter Bunny called in sick on Sunday and I had to fill in.

I was up before the sun in my vinegar stained shirt, hiding a bunch of badly colored eggs in people's yard.

Some random rabbit came up to me in my grumbly mood and said, "You make me want to rescind my heritage."

Coming to the Rescue

I woke up to smoke. It was coming from the open window in my bedroom.

I looked out the window and saw the woods were on fire.

The woods said, "Can you please help me?!?"

I leaped out of bed and ran outside. I got out the hose and turned on the water. I sprayed the hose on the flames.

The fire turned around and said, "Are you kidding me?"

I remembered when I was in Kindergarten, during recess, and fellow classmate Jimmy Harper and two of his cronies were beating up my friend Billy Beaver. I ran up and hauled off with my tiny little fists on Jimmy's back. Jimmy looked around at me like I was an ant on the back of a dog. I kept wailing on Jimmy's back, not even making a dent. I think I must have looked like a windmill in a tornado. Jimmy and his friends started laughing. Billy Beaver ran away to safety.

My attention came back to the woods. It had all burnt down. There was a tiny glowing ember on the ground. I turned the spray of water onto the ember which made it sizzle, smoke and extinguish.

I said, "That'll show you!"

Why I'm Tired

My dog Rexy and I watched the sunset last night.

We noticed that the sun was stalling. It seemed to be refusing to disappear behind the horizon.

I asked the sun, "What's going on?"

The sun said, "I like hanging out with you guys."

I said, "That's sweet, but we're kind of tired and we'd like to go to sleep."

The moon shouted way off from the side, "What's the holdup?"

Rexy said, "It's going to be a long night."

The Reason Why

I forgot I left the iron on.

By the time I got home, the iron had burned through the ironing board, the bedroom floor, through the dirt, stopping at the center of the Earth.

It was returning home.

How I Get Around

I like to ride clouds. They are always moving and empty. I'm sure a long, long time ago someone thought the same things about horses.

Why It's Good to Go to Bed

I looked up at the full moon.

I said, "I wish I was you, sitting up in the sky, basking in the sunlight."

The moon said, "I don't wish I was anyone else. I like being me."

I said, "I'm going to bed now so I can wake up and talk with the sun."

In Search of a Scent

I went flower picking with the ghost of General Robert E. Lee.

General Lee had a penchant for petunias. But we weren't finding any petunias and General Lee was getting angry.

General Lee said, "I can't understand why there isn't a petunia to be found."

I said, "I understand your frustration, but maybe it would help to know that petunia's are not native to this part of the country."

General Lee became furious and took out his sword and cut down all the flowers in a ten-foot swath.

I looked down amidst the daffodils, roses, daisies and tulips and saw a single petunia. I held it up.

I said, "I found a visitor!"

General Lee took the petunia is his hands, sniffed it and said, "At long last, a friendly gesture from the gods!"

I didn't want to ruin the moment by mentioning that we no longer consider the gods a source of action.

Shared Observances

I had lunch with Dick Cheney in his hospital room. I asked him how he was feeling after receiving the heart transplant. He said that he was sore.

No one said anything for a moment. Pain makes everyone feel awkward.

So we turned on the TV in the hospital room. The old detective show Ironsides was on. That's the one where Raymond Burr played a handicapped sleuth in a wheel chair.

I said it was amazing what some people can do amidst the obstacles life gives them.

Dick Cheney said he felt the same way when he watched Gilligan's Island.

Something that Happened Today

My uncle died and left me three Easter Island statues in his will. The statue heads were delivered to my front yard today.

My neighbor Al came over and wanted to know where I got the "fake" Easter Island heads. I'm not one to boast so I said I bought them at a yard sale.

The funny thing is, I actually have good luck at yard sales. Last week I found a first draft of the Bible. It was written by God in crayon.