Who's to Blame

While we shared a fondue lunch, God said, "Listen, I made you lazy. It's not your fault."

I said, "But you also made me want to improve myself."

God said, "No, that's your fault."

On the Way to the Store

I was driving down the road when a hurricane came by and sucked me in.

At first I was upset.

But then...I wasn't.

So I took my hands off the steering wheel. I turned up the Foghat CD. I answered a text. I had a nap. I woke up and clutter busted my glove compartment. I grabbed the steering wheel and pretended that I was purposefully driving full speed circles in the air.

Then a bird flew into my window.

The bird said, "Do you mind if I join you?"

I shook my head.

We sat in silence for a while.

Then the bird said, "I always wanted to know what it would be like to fly without my wings spread."

And the winner is...

I won an Academy Award! I went up on stage to accept the award, but I was too scared to say anything. I just stood there. I felt like an idiot.

What helped me relax was looking out at the faces of so many movie stars sitting out in the audience. I felt like I was the only person watching a movie staring everyone that's famous.

I told them this and they gave me a standing ovation!

Just Another Day

I felt like settling down for the night.

I walked past houses till I saw one I felt like going in. I opened the door. I walked into the living room. A family was watching TV. I nodded at them. They nodded back to me.

I went upstairs, found the bathroom, and drew a bath. I got in. It felt good to leave the day behind me.

When I was done, I got out and dried off. I went into the hallway. I looked around for a bedroom that looked comfortable.

I found a queen-sized bed. I climbed in and fell asleep in a few minutes.

I awoke early.

The husband and wife were sleeping next to me. I got up quietly so as not to disturb them.

I got dressed and went downstairs.

I went to the kitchen and made myself a bowl of cereal.

I sat down on the floor and shared cereal with the dog.

Time and Again

Time stood still. It stayed at 4:14 PM. People were stuck in the same position. The clouds stopped moving. The Sun stayed at the same place in the sky.

But for some reason I could move around.

At first it was great because I got to skip down the middle of the highway, and I went into a grocery store and peeled and ate an orange right in the middle of the produce section, and I enjoyed going up to various people and saying in a sing-song voice, "I like whipped cream!"

But then I got edgy. I wanted time to return. I missed interacting with the world.

I tried moving my watch's hands forward, but they wouldn't budge. I stamped on the Earth to try and get it to rotate again, but it stayed put.

I got frustrated and fell to the ground.

While down there, I noticed an ant looking back at me. We rejoiced at finding each other.

I held the ant's little insect hand and we skipped down the highway together singing:

It's just us,
Nothing but you and me,
Finally, finally, finally!

Bad Turns to Good

I smiled at Obama as his limo passed me on the freeway in Los Angeles.

Now he's calling me all the time asking for advice.

The good thing is he's seriously considering my idea of a bake sale.

Not Interested in Going

Sometimes I give up while walking across the road. I'll sit down on the asphalt and wait to feel inspired again. People honk and yell at me from their cars but I just sit there.

I'll often look up at the sky and watch the birds. It turns out birds like to fly along roadways. I think it's natural to follow a straight line.

Distinction

Bruce Springsteen played me a song off his new album.

He said, "What do you think?"

I said, "It's good."

He said, "Yes, but is it really good?"

I said, "I've only used the word 'really' once. When I was born, I looked around the hospital room and said 'it's really bright.'"

Dream

Last night I had a dream where the world was on fire and I was trying to put it out with a hose that didn't have much water pressure.

I tried doing that thing where you block part of the opening so the water sprays and spreads out.

The water turned to mist and made a beautiful rainbow over the sounds of explosions and screams.

The Things We Do For Love

I bought a hat with a hairpiece attached so no one will think I'm wearing the hat because I'm bald.

Resolved

I noticed the Moon was sad.

I asked why.

The Moon said because it was never given a name. Other planet's moons have names. The Moon felt unloved.

I asked the Moon what it would like to be called.

The Moon said Steve.

Dig It

I dig graves. It's a good job because I'm outdoors most of the day. I love the smell of Earth. And it's good exercise.

As with all jobs, there are a few drawbacks. It's hard to dig in the rain. When I tell people what I do, they always respond, "Alas poor Yorick, I knew him well!"

And then there are occasional zombies. For some reason, a few bodies animate, push the dirt up and walk around. They aren't like the crazy body munchers in the movies. The zombies really just want a hug. Normally that would be okay, but the smell makes it a bother, I push away, and I can tell feelings are hurt.

Keeping the Peace

I watched The Iron Lady with the ghost of silent film actress Clara Bow.

Aftewards, Clara Bow said, "A powerful woman on film is like an apparition of God."

I said, "I like to think that everything is an apparition of God."

Clara Bow said, "But when everything is special, nothing is."

I didn't say anything more. I've found a good way to destroy the moment is to try and get someone to see things my way.

Never-Ending Frustration

"A pie is delicious, but adds unwanted pounds. A dog is your friend, but you must clean up his poop. Sometimes the dog eats your pie, leaving none for you, and you still have to clean up the poop. Nothing in the world is perfect."
-- Marcus Aurelius, Meditations.

The Grass is Greener

I was digging a well in the backyard when I was visited by the ghost of Whitney Houston.

Whitney Houston asked me why I was digging a well.

I said that I like to drink fresh well water.

Whitney Houston said that she wished she could have stepped away from the limelight of being a performer and just lived the simple life of the land.

I said I wish that I lived in the limelight as a performer because then I could afford to pay someone to dig the well for me.

Slick and Thick

I was ice skating on the Artic Sea today. I like ice skating up there because the chance of falling through the ice is slim.

The only problem I encountered was the ice is so slick that when I fell, I slid for an hour straight.

There was nothing I could do about it, so I relaxed, and even took a nap.

When I awoke, I looked up at the sky. I saw the sun beaming down on me.

The Sun said, "It's nice to see you smile. But that still won't stop me from trying to melt the ice and drown you."

I said, "I wouldn't expect anything less."

Easy

I only had a dime left in my pocket. I went to the store and bought some Bazooka Double-Bubble gum. I went outside, sat on a bench and chewed the gum.

The gum was delicious.

An elderly woman came and sat down next to me on the bench.

She said, "I wish I was as happy as you look."

I said, "That's because I put my happiness first."

She said, "Could I have some of your gum?"

I took the gum out of my mouth and gave it to her. She put the gum in her mouth and chewed.

She smiled.

A Call

I took a stroll by the waterfall with the ghost of Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone.

My cell phone called out with its cricket ring. Alexander Graham Bell said it was apparent that I was infested and needed to powder myself with an insect-o-dusting.

I pulled out my cell phone and said it was my portable telephone.

I answered. It was my friend Mackie. I said I was with the ghost of Alexander Graham Bell.

Mackie asked me to ask Mr. Bell what he thinks of the evolution of his invention.

I asked.

Alexander Graham Bell said it seemed like a nuisance because people can now bother you wherever you go.

I told Mackie. He agreed.

Then Mackie asked me if he could borrow some money.

Down Time

I took the time machine back to every one of my birthdays. I gathered up all the Brooks and brought them back to today. 50 of us sat in a circle.

We talked about our hopes and dreams, shared our experiences, and talked about our fears.

We were quickly bored and went to a movie. We saw The Parallax View.

I made sure to get the jumbo popcorn box because of the free refills.

Understanding

My pet duck Myron said that he was leaving so he could migrate. I'm attached to Myron. So I asked Myron if there was anything that he needed that I wasn't giving him. Myron said it was nothing personal. He was genetically predisposed to head south.

I asked Myron the duck if I could give him a ride. He said yes.

So Myron the duck and I drove down to the southern tip of Chili. I stopped the car and Myron got out and walked around for about a minute. Myron said he was ready to go back.

I think I was tired and dehydrated from the non-stop driving and I threw a fit. I apologized. Myron the duck said it was okay. He knew it was my nature to push myself and get irritable.

No News

I never saw the news when I was growing up. We didn't have a TV, newspapers or magazines. My parents said that it was enough to know what was going on in my own life.

I did however get the previous news. I mean I had to take history in school. So I knew everything that happened before I was born. History is the best of the news.

Center

I played for the New England Patriots in today's Super Bowl game.

The Patriots center had injured himself in practice yesterday and they needed to replace him. I showed up for the open call that was listed on Craigslist. The person doing the hiring had me hold on to the football and then hand it to the quarterback. I did okay at that and was given the job of center.

Things became difficult for me once the game started. I would hand the ball to the quarterback as I was hired to do and then I'd get creamed by the defensive linemen. I couldn't understand why they had to be so rude and harsh about it. But when I gave it some thought, I realized the game was on Sunday and I think they wished they had the day off.

When we lost the game, my teammates were sad. I tried to tell them that it was okay because the pummeling was over.

Me

I spent the day at Demi Moore's house. She was recovering from feeling sick. She said that the world had become an overwhelming place and her body and mind had given out.

I said that my car had been the same way recently and I took it in to a mechanic and now it's good as new.

Demi said that she wasn't finished talking about how she felt. I apologized.

I felt badly that I couldn't give Demi my full attention. I realized that I can't help but think about myself in respect to the rest of the world. I'm built with the sense that I'm the center of the universe. It's in my blueprints.

Demi interrupted my thoughts and said she desperately needed my full attention. I apologized again.

I then proceeded to pretend I was watching Demi in the movie, "About Last Night."

Resolved

In the midst of my walk in the woods with the ghost of General Douglas McArthur, the General told me that trees make him uncomfortable. He felt like someone could be hiding behind a tree, ready to attack him.

I said that he should have told me that was his predisposition. I would have chosen a walk out in open space.

General McArthur said that I seemed so happy at the prospect at hiking in the woods, that he didn't want to deny me that pleasure.

I said that any pleasure I might have gained from being amongst the trees was dashed at knowing his discomfort.

General McArthur apologized for not initially expressing his feelings. I accepted and we left the woods and continued our walk in a neighboring field.

The Curse of Memories

I used to be a Pharaoh in Egypt. I was called Narmer. It sounds exciting. But it was an exhausting job with a lot of responsibilities. Eventually I had to fake my own death to get out of it. I took herbs that made my heart slow down to one beat a day. It was very relaxing.

Last week I was feeling nostalgic for the old days and I visited my pyramid in Abydos, Egypt. I flirted with the lady in the gift shop and told her that it's my pyramid. She called security. I was brought to their office where they did a DNA check on me. When they found out I was telling the truth, the put me back in the tomb and sealed it up.

Luckily there's free wifi!