Reasonable Advice

I've been hired to sing the National Anthem this Sunday at the Super Bowl. I'm nervous. I've never sung in front of a group of people before.

The National Football Association found me through a youtube video of me singing My Sharona. I'm a huge fan of the Knack.

The lead singer of the Knack, Doug Fieger, who is now dead, is a major inspiration for me. He once said, "I used to sit at home, alone in my room, afraid to leave because of the dangers that might befall me. But one day I thought, "What if the ceiling caves in, what if the house catches fire, what if someone breaks in and kills me?" I left the house that day and never came back!"

A Get Together

Last night aliens landed in my backyard. I went to greet them.

I told them I was nervous. The aliens said they were nervous too. This helped everyone relaxed. I invited them in my house.

My wife greeted the aliens with a bowl of popcorn. She's an amazing chef. She spent three years making the popcorn at the Century 12 Theaters in Evanston. That's how we met.

The aliens enjoyed the popcorn. Then they served up some green rancid smelling slime. My wife and I ate it. It tasted horrible. I thought I would throw up. But I was raised with good manners, and kept it down.

We all sat down in the living room and talked about our lives. The funny thing was, other than living on different planets, our lives were similar.

The aliens had to go. They returned to their spacecraft. We waved goodbye to them and then went to bed. We were exhausted. It was midnight, and we are usually in bed by ten!

Doing My Part

Newt Gingrich called me late last night. He was complaining about Mitt Romney.

I asked Newt what was really wrong. He said he lost his teddy bear, Mr. Muffinstuff.

I asked Newt if he looked under his bed. He checked and lo and behold there was Mr. M. and Newt cried with joy.

I have a gift.

Once Enemies

While walking my pet llama, Dixon, this morning, I ran into the ghost of Osama Bin Ladin.

Bin Ladin admired Dixon's coat. He said his llama's coat were forever matted and dirty, no matter how many times he washed them with goat's milk. I said that I used the human shampoo Head and Shoulders.

I asked if Bin Ladin still hated the United States now that he was dead. Bin Ladin said not as much.

I said that I was entering my llama, Dixon, in a llama show in Las Vegas this coming weekend. Bin Ladin wished us well.

I think people are much easier to get along with after they are dead.

The Easier Choice

I have a coal mine in my back yard. I go digging in it for coal and then bring up the nuggets and toss them in my stove to cook breakfast.

My wife says life was easier when our stove was hooked up to the natural gas pipe.

She's right. But using the piped-in gas hurt the feelings of the coal. And it was hard for me to sleep at night amidst the crying of the un-minded coal briquets.

Simpler

I got tired of the high life and sold my car, home, TV, computer, hot tub, and my original Van Gogh pajamas.

I took the money and bought a covered wagon and two horses.

Last night I camped out in the desert and cooked up a skillet of beans over an open fire.

A sidewinder slithered by and said, "What brings you out here, partner?"

I said, "I'm looking for the simpler life."

The sidewinder said, "I'd trade all of this for a luxury condo on the Seine."

I chopped up the sidewinder and added it to the beans. It's good to eat locally grown food.

Crossing the Street

I waited to cross the street. But cars kept coming.

An hour passed.

A cat came up next to me. It looked up at me and then walked across the street.

Cars narrowly missed the cat. One car drove over her, but she was unscathed because she happened to be in between the two front and back tires. The cat never flinched once.

The cat made it to the other side of the street and kept walking.

I took it as a sign from the universe and walked across the street. The first car hit me, sending me sailing through the air.

I landed in the back seat of a moving convertible. The driver looked back and asked me where I was heading.

I said just a block back and the other side of the street.

The driver said I was lazy.

A Red Flag

I was fishing. I got a big tug on the line. I fought back.

Alas, I was pulled into the water by the force of what was caught on the line.

It was hard falling into water with my clothes on. I like taking a bath and even a shower. I like washing my clothes. But even though what happened to me was the best of both worlds, I was unhappy.

As I came to the surface, the fish who won the tug-of-war was waiting for me. The fish said he had fun and wanted to do it again.

That's when I realized I had lost my sense of playfulness.

Just Saying

The ghost of President Franklin Delanor Roosevelt showed up while I was practicing golf putts in my backyard.

I said that I admired the shine of his wheelchair. FDR said peace of mind starts by taking care of what's within your reach.

I started to cry. FDR asked me why I was crying. I said I'm a sucker for good inspirational sayings.

FDR said that if we can't motivate one another, what's the point of a civilization.

I cried harder. FDR said that tears held in make a man damn. But tears released will water and make a man's heart grow.

I couldn't see through the tears. Water began to go up my nose. I yelled at FDR to cut it out.

FDR was quiet. But then he couldn't hold it back and said silence is golden.

I was washed away in a river of tears.

The last thing I heard was FDR reiterating the importance of going with the flow.

A New Job

I went down to the docks. A pirate ship pulled up next to me and asked if I wanted to join the crew. I said yes. I like sailing and I needed a job.

I boarded the ship and we went out to sea.

It was a difficult first few days because I kept throwing up. I felt like I wasn't making a good first impression. But no one said it was a problem.

Our first job was to attack a cargo ship. I asked why we would want to do that. They said to steal the contents. I said that didn't sound nice. Funnily enough I was chastised for saying that.

Flexibility

I got a job working for a paper company. My job assignment is to chop down trees, put them in a blender, take the pulp and smooth it out in sheet size pieces, and stack and pack them when they dry.

Occasionally a tree is still alive and wakes up as a sheet of paper. The tree is usually confused. But I found that by being matter-of-fact, the tree accepts the new changes in its life.

I'm not as flexible. I was shopping for groceries and couldn't find the Count Chocula cereal. The manager explained to me that General Mills stopped making Count Chocula. I threw a fit and the manager had me kicked out.

Nightswimming

Last night some friends and I went swimming in the La Brea tar pits.

I liked the comfort of the warm water.

We bumped into and woke up a hibernating Mastodon.

The Mastodon said, "What have I missed the past 10,000 years?"

I said, "Ronald Regan was President."

The Mastodon said, "Are you kidding me?"

Publicity!

I'm scheduled to put my hand-prints in Grauman Chinese's theater sidewalk today.

It's publicity for my family's home movie collection that's coming out on DVD this week.

For the extras part, I give commentary on my first steps. "I liked crawling. It got me where I wanted to go. But I had a feeling that if I were to stand up and possibly walk, I might be able to get there faster."

Prime Ministered

I joined a bowling league. One of my teammates is former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.

Margaret is a really good bowler. She has a powerful flick of the wrist toss that sends the ball screaming down the alley into the pins.

I'm a crappy bowler. I have a doctor's note that allows me to put the gutter ball preventer up. Even still I tend to knock down one to two pins with both my turns.

Margaret is a good sport and always cheers my efforts. She says enthusiasm is the secret to life.

I told Margaret that though I may be private-natured, I get enthusiastic on the inside. Behind my stoicism is a world of fireworks, "Hail Hail, the gang's all here!", and cheering stadium crowds.

Margaret said, "Whatever they may be, I never belie a man's efforts to better himself."

What a Relief

I was driving across the Colorado freeway when I passed through a dense fog. I couldn't see where I was going. I was worried that there would be some kind of terrible multi-car accident.

After a few minutes, the fog began to clear.

I realized that my car and I were floating on a cloud thousands of feet above the earth.

It's funny how the mind thinks with certainty that tragedy will soon befall us, and then everything turns out okay.

Advice

I had breakfast with the ghost of General Custer.

I said, "I'm driving out to Los Angeles this week. I'm hoping to revamp my business. What do you recommend I do?"

General Custer said, "First, make sure you look pretty. When I went out to battle, I made sure my hair was shiny and flowing. I wore my full battle regalia. I perfumed my horse."

I said, "I don't have a horse."

General Custer said, "Then make your car smell pretty, lad! Douse the seats with lavender essential oils."

I said, "My girlfriend says to avoid lavender because it reduces testosterone in men."

General Custer said, "Never mind."

It's Time to Move On

I'm sad about the end of the Michelle Bachmann for President campaign.

I worked as her campaign manager. I put in my best efforts.

But it's like my dad told me when I was six and came in last place for the cub scout soap box derby, "It doesn't matter how shiny you make wobbly wheels."

To Each Their Own

I own a Steinway piano. I don't play it though. I like how it looks. The shiny wood and the keys and the Groucho Marx framed photo sitting on the piano excite me.

My dog Rexy plays the piano. Today she played Mendelssohn. I don't know this composer. Rexy had to tell me. She can play over 500 songs from a multitude of composers, including a pawful of her own compositions. This excites her.

Drinks

I went swimming in the ruins of the Titanic with my goldfish Jasper. We came upon a skeleton dressed in a tux standing at the bar.

I asked, "What are you drinking?"

The skeleton said, "Vodka tonic."

Jasper said, "Your glass is filled with sea water."

The skeleton took a drink and said, "By golly, you're right!"

Thanks!

I was swimming in the Gulf of Mexico when Poseidon, the God of All Water, joined me.

I asked if Poseidon liked his job. He said he missed the early simpler days when he was just in charge of making water circle as it went down the drain.

I said that I was feeling like crap because I had just been fired from my waiter job for eating the remains of an apple pie on a dirty plate in the dish-room.

Poseidon created a mighty whirlpool, and spun me around rapidly until I started to laugh.

Okay

I had lunch with the angel Gabriel.

I said, "What's the secret to life?"

The angel Gabriel said, "Don't ask those kind of questions."

Honey!

My pet bear Baxter is addicted to honey and went on Amazon and ordered a half-ton of honey using my credit card.

When I found out, I got angry at Baxter.

Baxter reacted and did one of those full throttle bear roars an inch from my face. I counted his teeth. There are 29!

Enjoying Nature

While I was attempting to repair the bird bath in my backyard, I was visited by the ghost of Bon Scott, the former singer for the band AC/DC.

Bon knows plumbing and showed me a simple way to shift the water pipe so the birds could get plenty of fresh water.

I said that I get a lot of joy from watching birds. Bon said that he set up a dingo feeder in his backyard in Australia. Bon said there was no greater pleasure than watching dingos.