A New Companion

I was driving down the road when I saw 2012 walking down the sidewalk.

I pulled over and said, "Do you need a ride?"

2012 averted its eyes and said, "I can't interact with anyone until 12 am January 1st.

I said, "But you're interacting with me right now."

2012 looked at me and said, "Where you going?"

I said, "I'm going to the movies to see War Horse. Do you want to come?"

2012 said, "Oh, my God, I really want to see that!!"

In the End it Will Probably Be Okay

President Obama invited me to the White House for the Holidays. In some ways it's relaxing because all my meals are cooked for me. I get to hang out with the Obamas and play games and watch movies with them.

At the same time President Obama keeps asking me questions about affairs of state. I don't follow the news but he still wants to know.

This morning I suggested everyone in the United States gets dressed up in costumes and travels to Pakistan and tells the Pakistanis that we are the ministers of mirth. Obama went ahead and had his staff order 200 million costumes and set up the plane reservations.

I think it will be kind of nice to have our country empty for a weekend. Sometimes places just need to get aired out.

On Second Thought

I was taking a stroll across the desert when the Sun said to me, "Do you think I shine well?"

I said, "Of course...What's going on?"

The Sun said, "I think I'm doing a crappy job."

I said, "That's because you're always working. You have no contrast. You need a vacation."

Suddenly the world was plunged in darkness. The temperature dropped 100 degrees. I felt the blood in my veins heading towards ice.

I thought, "I need to be less encouraging."

Being Helpful

Santa left one of his reindeer on my roof. I had to coax it down with a bowl of oatmeal.

I called the police. They said Santa doesn't exist so they couldn't help me.

I invited the reindeer in. It chewed up my couch and pooped on the floor. My dog Rexy said the reindeer had no manners.

I reminded Rexy of the day I brought her home from the pound and she ate my lucky panama hat.

Rexy invited the reindeer to rest on her doggie bed. The reindeer laid down and sprawled past the bed's tiny boarders with its gangly legs. The reindeer was asleep and snoring in seconds.

Time Off

I took my sailboat out to the middle of the lake. I emptied my wallet into the water. I tossed in my keys. I took off my shoes and dropped them in too.

I sat in the boat.

A fish stuck its head out of the water.

The fish said, "I was wondering what the keys go to?"

I said, "My apartment and my Toyota."

The fish said, "Would that be okay if I were to have them?"

I said, "Sure...You might want to take my wallet too since it has my address."

The fish said, "I already did."

I said, "Right, of course."

The fish said, "Okay, I'm going to go now."

Sobriety

I went by the North Pole to visit my friend Santa.

I found Santa drunk and yelling at the elves. I asked if I could help. Santa asked who I was. I didn't take it personally because I go to Al-anon.

I got Santa to lie down on a couch and close his eyes. He fell asleep in seconds. I covered him with a blanket.

The elves thanked me and went back to work.

Santa got up a couple of hours later. He apologized to everyone. He admitted he had a problem with alcohol. I called one of my friends who's in AA and asked him if he knew of any meetings nearby. He got online and found a meeting in Anchorage at seven. Santa and I took the sleigh and went.

At the AA meeting, they asked if there were any newcomers. Santa stood up and said, "I'm Santa and I'm an alcoholic." Because he was wearing his red suit, I sensed the people at the meeting knew who he was.

Togetherness

My dog Rexy peed on the Christmas tree.

I got angry and asked, "Why couldn't you wait till I took you for a walk?"

Rexy said, "Why do you have a tree in the house?"

Why Cartoons Are So Popular

I was playing golf at my country club when the ghost of Kim Jong-il joined me. He seemed confused.

Fresh ghosts don't know they are dead. They tend to assume they are dreaming. But after the passage of a few days, they begin to question what's going on.

I got out my cell phone and googled Kim. I showed Kim the news stories about his death.

Kim got upset. A few minutes into his death tantrum, I interrupted Kim and pointed out a squirrel ghost that just a few minutes ago had been run over by a golf cart. The squirrel ghost was throwing a fit on the putting green.

Kim laughed. It's humbling to see yourself being reenacted by an animal.

Insight

I got in my time travel machine and visited myself in high school.

I told myself about cell phones, the internet, computers, and facebook.

My high school self looked at the now me and said, "Oh my god, you're bald!"

Talent

I sat out on the rim of Crater National Park.

David Bowie walked up and sat down next to me.

We nodded to each other. We sat together and said nothing.

Eventually David Bowie started to snore. He's one of those people who can sleep while sitting. He's so talented!

Oh, I See

I'm opening for Bob Seger on his winter tour. I play songs from my album, Brooks Takes His Time.

Usually there are only a handful of people in the auditorium when I'm on. They text or talk to one another. I'd get discouraged.

But then Bob told me, "The main reason they applaud me is because I gave them an excuse to get away from their wife and kids."

The Truth is Everywhere

I was walking through the desert and ran into the Easter Bunny.

I asked how much preparation goes into getting ready for Easter. The Easter Bunny said none because he's just a figurehead.

I started to cry.

The Easter Bunny asked why. I said because I'm allergic to rabbits.

About Time

I saw 2012 nervously smoking a cigarette out on a street corner.

I asked what was up.

2012 said it was checking out the competition.

I said I thought each year worked together as agents of time.

2012 cried and said the pressure to be a better time was unbearable.

I took notes. I'm the keynote speaker at the Bettle Time Symposium in Stockholm next Tuesday. This is going to blow them away.

Fragile Santa

Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I said that I was okay and didn't need anything.

Santa started crying and then sobbing. I think he has a hard job.

It doesn't help that he wears that embarrassing suit.

?

My pet crocodile, Chaucer, is a gum chewer. And he chews with his mouth open. It drives me nuts.

Chaucer hates that I'm always cracking my knuckles.

I don't know how anyone gets along.

I've Been There

I met the Dalai Lama.

He was downcast. I asked him why.

He said he had eaten an entire fudge brownie sundae and he was experiencing low blood sugar.

I suggested he drink some water. He did and felt much better.

Sometimes Things Just Happen

I was out driving when a hurricane came by and sucked me up into its funnel cloud.

At first I got very dizzy. The whirling winds kept me driving around in rapid circles. I unrolled the window because I thought I was going to get sick.

But then I looked down into the eye of this twister and the calm quietness helped me get my bearings back.

I relaxed and turned on the radio. The station gave the weather report. They said that a hurricane had been spotted in the area and that everyone should beware.

Man's Best Friend

I was taking my dog Rexy for a walk in the park when I felt the snap and crackle of time travel happening. The trees and wide open spaces faded into the emptiness of the time void.

I felt myself falling in nothingness. Rexy was next to me. I imagined we were astronauts out on a space walk.

The world reappeared as we landed on a tent. The tent collapsed. I felt angry and bewildered people rumbling beneath us. They managed their way out. Before us stood a bunch of generals from the Union Army. Rexy and I had traveled back to the Civil War!

I recognized a disheveled Union General Ulysses S. Grant. And a dazed President Abraham Lincoln, who was holding his stove top hat that was crunched like an accordion. It's refreshing to see celebrities looking out of sorts. I feel like I can relate to them.

Grant and Lincoln began yelling at me. They used words like "audacity" and "impudence." I love old words. They have more resonance than newer words.

My dog Rexy began barking at them. She was reliably protecting me. You're always the President to your dog.

Lincoln was charmed by Rexy and got down on the ground and petted her head. Grant was equally swayed and fed Rexy a piece of bull jerky.

He's Right

I bought a cave. I didn't add electricity, chairs, or any additional comforts. I kept it lightless and cold.

I sat on the cold cave floor, and felt peaceful in the sightless, comfortless nothingness.

Not an hour into my peaceful state, a bear came into the cave, laid down, scratched itself forever, and then fell asleep, filling the cave with the sound of echoing snores.

I lost it. I got up and started yelling. I began to punch the bear wildly.

The bear woke up and said, "Excuse me, but what do you think you are doing?"

I said, "You're disturbing my peace!!"

The bear said, "I think something much deeper than a snoring bear is bothering you."

I stopped hitting the bear. I took a breath. I said, "I'm sorry. You're right."

Career Change

One of the night sky stars came down and knocked on my bedroom window. I was angry. I don't like to be disturbed. The night is my time to be alone and recharge.

I opened the window and yelled at the star. The star apologized and said it only wanted to let me know I left the light on inside my car. I felt so stupid. I apologized to the star. I went out and reclosed the driver's side door so the light went off. I looked up to the night sky and said I was sorry again.

I think I have a lot of anger inside of me. I'm considering quitting writing and becoming a boxer.

Good Points, Bad Points

I was lost at sea. I had been afloat in a truck tire inner tube for two weeks. I was thirsty and delirious.

There were benefits though. I was not spending any of my time on the internet. I didn't have to worry about how I looked. It was fun to ride the waves. I saw a tremendous amount of clouds. The sea air was good for my lungs.

I realized, life has good points and bad points. If I let go of one extreme, if I was back on land, I would be frittering away my time online.

I relaxed in my realization.

Suddenly I saw a great white shark heading towards me with its mouth wide open. The inner tube would be no match for it's razor sharp teeth. I tried to think hard of a good point.

And then I got one - it would be an exciting end to this story!!

It's Not Easy to Relate to Anyone

I was hiking through the Phoenix desert when I fell into a rodent hole. Yes, it's true, the holes aren't that big, but I'm thin, flexible, and curious.

I fell for about thirty seconds. I landed on the inhabitant, a desert owl. Normally this would be an opportunity for being social. But the desert owl eats anything that falls into its living hole.

The desert owl made of go of it, chewing on my right hiking shoe. I felt badly for my intrusion, so I let the chewing continue.

The desert owl was getting nowhere and was frustrated. I said, "Once on a hike, I got lost. I ate all my snacks and was still hungry. Out of desperation, I tried eating the same shoe, and also had no luck."

The desert owl stopped. Lit a cigarette. We sat in silence. It was awkward.

It All Works Out in the End

I forgot to close my bedroom window last night, and all the forest animals came in, crawled into bed, and snoozed next to me.

This morning was pandemonium because every animal, insect and reptile wanted something different for breakfast.

Fortunately, 3/4s of the desired menu items were in attendance.

Let Me Add That

I flew my plane high above the clouds to Heaven.

I opened the window and shouted out, "God, I'm going to read to you the list of things I want in my life."

A thunderbolt hit my plane, killing the engine, and I began spiraling down to the ground."

I heard God say, "I hope the solution to this is on your list."

Highlight of the Day

I visited the Polar Bear at the zoo.

I said, "Can I come in?"

The Polar Bear said, "Sure."

I jumped in the pool. We swam together. My favorite part was when the zoo worker feed us trout bits.

Oh, I See

My cow smokes cigarettes in the barn though I have repeatedly warned her about the fire hazard. I finally let go of my anger about this when a friend told me nicotine helps cows with their milk production.

Growing up at Niagara Falls

When I was a kid, my dad's job was to run and maintain Niagara Falls. At night he would turn off the Falls water supply, and then remove trees, rocks, and other junk that impeded the water's flow.

My sister and I used to run around the dry waterbed and pretend we were Moses and the Israelites crossing the Red Sea.

The Disease of Art

Because we're related to Issac Newton, my family felt pre-bound to the obligation of loving the sciences. My sister excelled in her research of how the veins are irritable and look for ways to cut corners. My father discovered that the brain imagines it's a tree imagining it's a brain. My mom created the long-running PBS show, "Science: Science."

I proved to be an embarrassment to my family name by failing miserably in my kindergarten physics class. This troubled my parents, and they had our family doctor inoculate me with the arts vaccine to deter my interests in things creative, giving the sciences a chance to get back into my mind.

But due to a strong negative reaction to the vaccine, I got a library card and started reading Chaucer. This developed into writing fantasy stories about strange people I met while walking on the road to the candy store.

Here's one that I managed to save:

On the way to the candy apothecary,
I came upon a bent-snake named Smythe.
Smythe told me of near-by fields of sugar cane,
where a lad could sate his sweet-tooth
by eating a fair dozen raw canes.
But I knew better than to trust a bent snake,
and poured salt on the fang-toothed creature,
who proceeded to shrivel,
and I wore Smythe the snake as a neck-tie.

Endless Circle

I had lunch with Newt Gingrich. We had pizza. I normally don't eat pizza. The cheese and dairy make me tired. But he wanted pizza. He was insistent.

Sometimes I get talked into things I don't want to do. My girlfriend bought a time-travel machine and wanted to go back in time with me to 877 AD to witness the inauguration of Indravarman I as king of the Khmer Empire. I had no interest, but she kept saying, "It would be so romantic." I went and I got a case of head lice.

So Gingrich ordered a double cheese pizza with sardines. I didn't want to be rude and I had three slices. I was so out of it, I could barely hear what he was saying. He asked me what was wrong. I told him about my allergies. He asked me why I ate the pizza. I was too tired to tell him what I just told you.

The Curse of Manners

I was standing in line at the Burger Emporium when I felt time and space slip out of the picture and I was in the secret space between moments.

I fell in this minute-less gap until I landed somewhere in a rock quarry. There was no one around. I thought I could be anywhere in time. Rocks have no clocks.

I walked for a while.

Suddenly a pterodactyl swooped down from the sky and attacked me. The pterodactyl's claws ripped my jacket. I was upset because it was denim. It's hard to find a denim jacket that fit me as well as this one.

My anger turned savage and I punched the pterodactyl in the eye. The pterodactyl started to cry.

The pterodactyl said, "Ow, that really hurt!"

I said, "Dude, I assume you were trying to kill me."

The pterodactyl said, "Yeah, but it hurt."

I apologized. It hate saying I'm sorry. I almost feel like I should apologize to myself for saying it.

Neurotic

While visiting a live volcano in Hawaii, I fell in.

I felt like an idiot. It was like slipping on the ice and in mid-air knowing there's nothing you can do about it.

I worried that when I went in and under the lava it would hurt. But then I thought that I probably wouldn't feel a thing since I would burn and melt in an instant.

Still, the heat on the way down was unbearable. I thought I would be steamed and ready to eat before I hit the lava's surface.

Just then a pelican swooped down, caught me in its tremendous mouth, carried me out of the volcano and set me down on the ground in safety.

I thanked the pelican profusely. The pelican accepted my thanks, shook my hand, and flew off.

I thought that I sometimes worry too much about things that never actually end up happening.