Scienced

My father is a scientist. He works for Bullion & Baxter. They are the largest scientific testing lab in the country.

He's working on a chemical that will give dogs a pleasant timbre to their bark. Eventually it will be added to dog food.

The thing is, he gave a variation of this to my sister and I when we were kids to reduce the droning sound in our voices. He put it in our breakfast cereal.

My father says, "Where would we be without the miraculousness of the scientific method?"

I tell him we'd all be squatting in the forests, scratching our hairy butts, and not having a care in the world.

I dug a hole in my backyard and filled it up with water from the hose.

A duck flew down from the sky and landed in the new pond.

I asked, "Do you like it?"

The duck said, "I'm sitting in it, aren't I?"

The Options Are Limited

While hiking in the desert, a rock said, "Hey!"

I said, "What?"

The rock said, "How come you don't say hi?"

I said, "I'm sorry. I get lost in my thoughts. That's why I come to the desert."

The rock said, "Still, it hurts my feelings."

I said, "I'm sorry."

I made a mental note to go back to walking on the treadmill.

Upon Returning

My dog Rexy had enough of me and got in the rocket ship and took off into space.

Three weeks had passed when Rexy returned.

I said, "How was your trip?"

Rexy said, "It was okay."

I said, "Did you miss me?

Rexy said, "No."

I said, "Do you want to go for a walk?"

Rexy said, "Oh my god, yes!!"

A Request

I sat on the edge of the Grand Canyon, gazing at the big wide open space.

A vulture landed next to me. The vulture said, "Are you thinking of jumping?"

I said, "No. I haven't considered that. Why?"

The vulture said, "I'm hungry."

Getting Away

I like to hang out on my guitar, in the space between the string and the fretboard. I have to shrink to about three centimeters. I sit on the little metal piece that's embedded horizontally on the wood of the fretboard where a G chord would be played.

Sometimes I'll lean forward and jump onto the string and slide down to the metal ridge of the A chord.

I'm the only one in the house that plays guitar, so I'm in no risk of someone playing the guitar and crushing me.

Sometimes I'll kick my feet out and hit strings and make up a song. I think this is what it must sound like to be in a church tower when the bells are ringing.

Chicken

I like to hang out with chickens. I actually get down on the ground with them, moving about on my hands and knees.

I'm soothed by their clucking sounds. I love the smell of their feathers.

The chickens don't seem to mind me.

I wish I was more adept with people. I've taken courses on socializing, in which I received high grades.

But I'm most at home, on the ground, with my fine feathered friends.

Safe House

Early this morning I huddled together with fugitive turkeys hiding out in my basement. I told them I was going to do my best to protect them from hunters.

This part of town is ruthless on Thanksgiving. We get over 10,000 turkey hunters coming in from neighboring counties hoping to capture a turkey for their Thanksgiving meal tonight. They hunt today because of the freshness of the meat.

To counter the hunters offensive, I've been spending most of my day sitting out on my porch, non-nonchalantly smoking my pipe and giving false advice.

Hunters come by with their high powered rifles, scopes, and turkey radar detectors, and they tell me that their radars go nuts when they are near my property. I pretend to get excited and say that I saw a pack of wild and fat turkeys run past my front yard and into the woods. The hunters head into the woods with great glee.

There are 318 turkeys in my basement. They mostly watch TV and read. One of the turkeys is reading The Great Gatsby. That book's supposed to be good, but I could never finish it.

A Discovery

I was visited by the ghost of Madame Curie.

I said that I wasn't feeling well. Since she was a doctor, I asked if she could cure me.

She said that she was a researcher not a healer. She said that while she was alive, she research radium and it killed her.

I realized it's weird how other people have problems besides me.

Oh, I See

I ran out of water in the desert.

I went up to a cactus and asked for water. The cactus said that if it were to give me water, it would have to do the same for every desert critter that was thirsty.

I asked the cactus what was really the matter.

The cactus said it was lonely because its needles kept it from being hugged.

I Can't Explain

I had breakfast with Pete Townsend of the Who.

Pete asked me if I'd purchased the re-re-release of the their album Quadrophenia. I said that I bought the album when I was a teenager. And then the CD two years ago.

Pete said that the re-re-release that came out last week is an even better version. I said I was glad he felt proud of his work. Pete said that I was being condescending. I asked Pete what that meant. Pete explained that I was offensively coming from a superior position.

I said that I'm not smart enough to do that. Pete said that I was acquiescing in my purported humbleness to make myself seem better than him.

I asked Pete what was wrong. Pete told me that he's naturally neurotic and not to take anything he said personally. I made a mental note to delete all the Who songs from my itunes folder.

She's Right

I was so angry at my elephant!

In the middle of the night, she stampeded my living room, reducing to pulp my stereo, tv, dog and barcalounger.

I said to my elephant, "What the hell were you thinking?!"

My elephant said, "Dude, what were you thinking when you got an elephant for a pet?"

My New Job

I got a job singing for the Los Angeles Opera.

I'd never sung that way before. Somehow I knew during my audition to pretend I was yawning while singing. Yawning is a way of not caring about what you're doing. It's a physical, "Oh, well." I wasn't needy. People love to give you things when you don't want them.

The thing is I now have to sing opera.

Solutioned!

My lungs were tired. So I took my lungs out and set them hanging on a tree so they could get a chance to air out.

A pelican came by, took my lungs, and flew away. I couldn't say anything because I wasn't wearing my lungs.

I sat and did nothing until I realized I could substitute my lungs with my vacuum cleaner. I'm now getting more oxygen than ever!

New Place to Sleep

Last night a pack of coyotes came up in through my open bedroom window. They asked me if I wanted to come out for a midnight escapade.

I said yes and out the window we went.

We ran through backyards, across open fields, down empty dark streets.

We caught and ate three rabbits, a dog, and 16 mice.

As the sun came up, they asked me if I would like to be a full time member of their pack and live with them in the Hollywood Hills.

I said I wanted to, but that I would miss my bed too much. So they helped me carry my bed up into the Hills.

A Natural Welcome

There was a mini earthquake and my backyard split open. A diamond the size of a truck jutted out of the hole and displayed itself like a statue.

My dog Rexy went up and peed on the diamond.

A Little Less

I did some clutter busting with Bob Dylan.

He had a pool that he didn't swim in. I asked him if he would let it go. He agreed. We drained the pool and filled it up with dirt.

I asked him if he missed the pool. He asked me, "What pool?"

Different Points of View

I got a job cooking hamburgers at a restaurant. I like the simplicity of flipping burgers.

I used to be President of Bank of America. I liked the simplicity of the limo ride to work. But the job was stressful and made my hair fall out.

My dog Rexy likes my new job because I bring him home a burger after every shift. My family doesn't like my new job because we couldn't afford our mansion and now live in our car.

Last night I had a dream where God said everything has a shiny and smooth side and a dull and scratched side. I asked God if he likes his job. He said it depends on the day.

T. Jefferson

When I was a kid, we took a tour of Monticello, the home of President Thomas Jefferson. I got lost from the tour and wandered into the dumb waiter. That's where I met the ghost of Mr. Jefferson.

I didn't know what a President was yet but I knew he was important, so I asked Mr. Jefferson if he invented chewing gum. He said, no, that was Benjamin Franklin. I said that I hope to one day invent something as great as gum. Thomas Jefferson said that the inventors of simple things like coffee, gum, and toilet paper will never be remembered. I said being well known is a burden because you have to constantly be aware of what you wear and do.

Thomas Jefferson said that it's a small price to pay to be remembered for writing the Declaration of Independence. I said I hadn't read it. I asked him what else he had done. He cleared his throat and quietly said he'd also written a children's book called, Herdie's Brother is a Kumquat. I said I loved that book and had read it over twenty times!

A Nice Surprise

My car broke down. I left it behind and walked into the desert.

Night came and I laid down on the desert floor and fell asleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night to discover an armadillo curled up in a ball and laying against my stomach. I felt its armor plating. I was amazed that it was warm.

Oh

I was mining for gold in Flagstaff when I came across a worm.

The worm said, "What are you doing?"

I said, "I'm looking for gold."

The worm said, "You're off by six inches to the left."

So I dug the six inches and came across the gold mother-load.

I said to the worm, "Thank you so much!!"

The worm said, "You're going to feel differently when I tell you that gold is made from worm poop."

Lonesome No More!

I got a hotel room at a casino in Santa Fe. I laid down but couldn't fall asleep.

So I went downstairs to the casino and bet $100 on roulette. I won $150,000. I got the money in cash and came back to my room.

I arranged the cash in a lengthwise pile on the bed. I laid down on the bed and spooned the cash. I fell asleep in seconds.

Helping Out in Ways I Can

When I heard an asteroid was passing by the Earth, I got in my rocket ship, took off into space, and caught up with the rapidly traveling rock.

I said, "Hey, where are you going?"

The asteroid said, "I'm hungry. I'm looking for a place to stop and eat. Do you have a place you recommend?"

The thing is, I know of a lot of really great places back on the Earth. But our going there would also destroy them.

So I did the next best thing. I gave the rocket ship an egg salad sandwich my wife had packed for me.

Feeding Time

When I was eleven, my parents took me on a tour of the White House. I was a spacey kid and soon got lost from the tour. I was wandering the halls of the White House by myself.

President Nixon stuck his head out of an office. I recognized him from TV. I said hi. He said hello and asked me if I would like to make an easy five dollars. I thought of all the candy that would buy me and I said yes.

I went into the office. There were stacks of paper everywhere. In the midst of it all was a noisy shredding machine hastily being fed papers by sweaty USSR head of state, Leonid Brezhnev. President Nixon said Brezhnev was tired and needed a break. So I took over.

I liked shredding papers. I imagined that the shredder was a robot that was hungry. I thought about how everything needs to eat. At one time the trees that were now this paper, took in nutrients from the ground. That morning I ate a bowl of Capt N' Crunch. President Nixon and Brezhnev were off to the side eating donuts.

The Last Lunch

I had lunch with the Pope. He had a Gruyere melted cheese sandwich. I had a Hungry Man Salisbury Steak TV dinner. The Vatican has everything!

I said, "Did you want to be Pope when you were a boy?"

The Pope said, "No, I wanted to be a fireman."

I said, "It's never too late."

The Pope looked forlornly out the window. I slipped away and pulled the fire alarm. The alarm bell rang. I ran back to the table.

I said, "The building is in flames! Save us!!"

The Pope, in mid-chew, ran towards the balcony and jumped off. I felt badly. But at the same time, I knew he no longer would live with the pain of an unfulfilled life.

A Simple Mistake

The Polar Ice Cap came to visit me yesterday. We went to the zoo together. Then we had had dinner. It was nice to catch up on each others lives. That night the Polar Ice Cap went back to its home up north.

While it was gone, scientists noted the Polar Ice Cap's disappearance and said the waters of the Earth would soon submerge and drown us. There was a great panic. People all over the world grabbed whatever they could carry and climbed to the top of the nearest tree.

I couldn't call anyone and explain what had actually happened because everyone was up in a tree. So I stayed home and took a long nap.

It's Hard to Get Away

I walked through the woods till I came to a pond. I looked into the pond and saw my reflection.

I said, "You look good today."

My reflection said, "Except for these damn ripples!!"

Difficult Memory

When I was a kid we had a pet rhino named Beryl. Beryl lived with us in the house. We treated her as a member of the family. When we ate dinner, Beryl ate dog food out of a trough next to the dinner table. Beryl affectionately laid on all our laps every night as we watched TV.

Sometimes it was my job to walk Beryl. I did my best to reign in Beryl. But something would often make her charge and yank me with her.

The worst time was when she got angry and chased a neighbor's car for two hours. I trailed behind as a flailing kite. When the neighbor stopped to get gas, Beryl plowed into the back of the neighbor's car. I had to apologize. It was an awkward and uncomfortable situation for a three year old.

I was too embarrassed to call my parents from the gas station's payphone. So I climbed on Beryl and road back home. In someways I'm still waiting to get there.