Change

I felt a sensation in my pocket. I took out the change. The face of Lincoln on the penny winked at me.

I said, "Yes, penny, what is it?"

Lincoln on the penny said, "What if you thought of me as other than money?"

I said, "But you are money."

Lincoln on the penny said, "I know, but I'm also copper. And I'm the upper half of Lincoln. I'm also a metal wheel that you can flip to help make decisions."

I put the penny back in my pocket and emailed the U.S. Mint to complain about talking money. They emailed me back and said, "Sometimes things aren't a problem but an opportunity to listen."

So I emailed my congressman about how I felt the U.S. Mint was being too personal. My congressman wrote back saying, "There isn't money in the budget to resolve your problem. Plus, the U.S. Mint has a point."

I took the penny out of my pocket and rubbed it between my finger and thumb.

Lincoln on the penny purred.

Conundrum

I said, "My head hurts."

The doctor said, "That's because it's in a vise. I advise you to loosen and remove the vise."

I said, "But I spent a lot of money on the vise."

The doctor said, "Now my head is starting to hurt."

Some Words

The tree outside my window said, "I miss when you climb me."

I said, "I need to protect my fingers so I can type on my computer."

The squirrel on the tree said, "Get your ass out here. Seriously, it's a nice day!"

Lunch!

I was bored and caught a flight to Israel. I took a cab into Jerusalem City. I went into a McDonald's for lunch. I got a Big Mac.

The ghost of Moses came in and sat down next to me. Moses asked how was the burger. I said it was delicious. I told him I knew it wasn't good for me, but I can't help eating meat that tastes like candy

What This Website Supports

I take my royalties from this website and pay for a Better Late Than Dead! billboard which sits across the street from my house.

It features a photo of me, disheveled, black-eyed, and torn shirt, standing in an open door with an apologetic look on my face, and a cartoon blurb coming from my mouth that says the name of this website.

I look at it whenever I'm feeling that I'm not enough in the moment. I've already glanced at it four times today.

A New Solution

My dog Rexy went crazy digging a hole in my backyard. At first I thought she smelled a bone just under the surface. But eventually she had dug twenty feet in the ground, and then started barking like crazy.

I went out to see what all the fuss was about. Rexy found a leather briefcase. I went down into the hole and opened the briefcase. It was filled with hundred dollar bills.

I jumped for joy and exclaimed that all my problems had been solved. I could pay off my $125,000 and growing debt for my out of control addiction to mashed potatoes that takes me around the world sampling this potato dish in the search for the "best mashed potato."

Rexy pointed out the my mashed potato addiction was a subterfuge of my need for unconditional love. That I could pay off the debt and continue funding my culinary travels for maybe another six months, but that I would never find mashed potatoes that would actually satisfy me. Rexy said this found money would not solve, but actually exasperate my pain.

I realized Rexy was right. I set down the suitcase. I cried. Rexy came up and licked my face. My heart shook so loudly that I worried the dirt would cave in on us. But it didn't.

Secret Fact of Life

I work as a janitor at an office complex. I like working by myself. It gives me valuable time with my thoughts. When I mop, I think of amazing things.

Here's what I thought of this morning:

Trees rule the world. They have very powerful thoughts. The trees' thoughts emanate out into the world and they make things happen. We pick up the trees' thoughts, like we are a radio receiver, and we think they are our thoughts and we follow them.

We don't realize this because trees are just standing there, appearing to be doing nothing.

Knowing this can help us understand why we do some of the stupid things we do over and over again. Essentially we are entertainment for the trees.

That was Then, This is Now

When I was a kid, I was so nervous about monsters underneath my bed, that I was unable to get out of bed in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I either stayed up all night, holding it in, or I wet the bed.

Out of compassion, my parents went to Radio Shack and bought a mini radar and placed it under my bed. It came with a radar screen that sat on my night table. When I woke up and had to pee, I would check out the radar screen.

Some nights I would see that the area under my bed was monster free and proceeded happily to the bathroom. Other nights, the radar detected monsters, and I would just wait until they were gone.

I still use it today, but that's just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm feeling lonely and want someone to talk to.

Mooned

I went to the Moon this morning for a walk. I happened across a Moonling also out for a walk.

I said, "Good morning."

The Moonling said, "ashd8 a- "

I said, "Ah, I dooon't speeeeak Mooooooonling."

The Moonling said, "I was just joshing you!"

Oh, that's why

I went to the wishing well and dumped all my money in.

The wishing well said, "Oh my God! You must have a big wish."

I said, "No. I just felt like doing it."

The wishing well said, "But it doesn't work that way. You give me money. You tell me what you want. I do my best to make sure it happens."

I said, "Just use the money for other people's wishes then."

The wishing well said, "But then I'd have to explain to people that they don't need to pay anything because their wishes have been comped."

I said, "That's not my problem."

The wishing well said, "And now it's mine!!"

I said, "I wish you'd just drop this."







...

Back to Now

I was giving a presentation at the 2011 New-Fangled Blog Posters Convention in Albuquerque, New Mexico, saying that the only way to write a blog post is to imagine you are writing a letter to your dog, when suddenly I heard the crackle, pop, and snap of the time travel portal opening up.

The room disappeared as I fell into the time well. I passed a few people in the time-space passage way. We all waved high. There's something about time-travel that makes you friendly.

I found myself back at the convention in the midst of my blog posting talk. But I couldn't tell whether I had traveled to earlier or later in the talk. I told everyone that I had fallen into a time portal, and now I'm back, and, "Can you tell me what I just said?"

Someone said, "Is this an example of something that you would write to your dog?"

I thought about it and said, "Yes."

Underground

My pet mole, Chaunders, likes to take me on underground trips. Chaunders digs the hole and I follow.

We've been under the Eiffel Tower, below the White House, and beneath the Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio. You never know a place until you see what's under it.

Chaunders and I once did an underground trip across the big old USA. The best part is when we popped out the side of a cliff wall in the Grand Canyon and fell hundreds of feet. I ended up grabbing onto a root sticking out of the cliff. I caught Chaunders by his little paw. We hung there for a little while. What a view!!

Dog Sense

I was so tired. My dog Rexy said, "Seriously, you have to go to bed."

I said, "There's so many things I might miss."

My dog Rexy said, "But one of them won't be your bed."

Our Trip

My dog Rexy took me for a long walk. We left Evanston and headed north. We passed the Canadian border. Eventually we made it to the Arctic Sea.

We stepped onto the ice at the shore line. The ice broke off and we floated out to sea. It was nice because it gave us a chance to sit and rest.

We couldn't believe our luck when we came across a school of whales. The whale seem equally surprised and delighted.

One of the whales said, "Where are headed?"

My dog Rexy said, "The winds are blowing westerly, so it looks like Russia."

The whale said, "Smooth sailing!"

To this day I can never get enough of talking animals and fish.

Who's Hungry?

I was watching the news when the ghost of Prime Minister Winston Churchill walked into the room.

Churchill saw the Take Back Wall Street protesters on the news and said, "If they actually did have it in their hands, within days they'd be giving it back."

I said, "I was thinking that we should hire plumbers, electricians and car mechanics to run the government and economic institutions."

Churchill said, "My father was a plumber. When I was prime minister of England, he once came over to 10 Downing Street with his plumber's bag of tools, and say, "Get out of the way and let me fix the damn thing."

I said, "Did you let him?"

Churchill said, "I sent him to Berlin to meet with Hitler. He spent most of the time at the buffet. He came back saying Hitler was a reasonable man."

I said, "It's hard to argue against lunch."

While Out For a Walk

I was out for a walk. I came across a hole in the ground that said, "Hey, how's it going?"

I said, "Okay. How about you?

The hole in the ground said, "Do you remember that rainstorm we had last week? Well, I finally evaporated all the water that had been sitting in me."

I said, "Wow, you must be relieved."

The hole in the ground said, "Are you patronizing me?"

I said, "No."

The hole in the ground said, "Because I don't have to talk with you."

I said, "I'm gonna go."

The hole in the ground said, "Wait. I'm sorry. I'll be nicer."

I said, "Maybe you need a nap."

The hole in the ground said, "Seriously, get the hell out of here!!"

I made a mental note to not walk down this block the next time I went out.

Life As We Know It

I felt estranged from my wife and kids and went out the backyard to get away. I laid on the lawn and looked up at the sky.

One of the stars came towards me. It turned out to be a spaceship. It landed next to me. An alien got out and laid down by my side.

The alien was having troubles at home too. We talked about how you can never count on anything. Life is topsy-turvey.

Just then my wife and kids came out the backyard looking for me. I introduced them to the alien. My wife asked if I wanted to invite my alien friend in for dinner. The alien said yes.

We enjoyed a nice meal.

Mmmm....Cherry

I went back to just before the beginning of time. Pure Potential was considering becoming something.

I said, "You can become whatever you want. What do you want to do?"

Pure Potential said, "I want to be a little girl sucking on a cherry lollipop."

I said, "Great, go for it!"

Suddenly there was an explosion of light, and time and space instantly unfolded like one of those easy to set up tents that you just drop on the ground and all the poles and canvas pop into place.

Seven billion years went by. Suddenly there was the little girl sucking on a cherry lollipop.

I said to Pure Potential, "Now what?"

Oh, well

Once you make love to a porcupine, you'll never do it again.

I thought.

Steve Jobs

I had breakfast with the ghost of Steve Jobs. Usually I meet ghosts after they've been dead for a long while. This was my first fresh ghost!

I showed Steve Jobs the cover of the newspaper. It was his face and his birth and death dates. I said it was funny that the really significant part of that is the dash. Steve Jobs suggested the dash should be at the end suggesting a corpse.

I asked what he was going to do now. Steve Jobs said that from what he gathered, once you die, your days of planning are over. You're like a tissue in a windstorm. He said that's funny because it was how life used to feel but with the illusion that he was steering.

Then Steve Jobs and I went on facebook and saw all the tributes people were writing about him. I wrote that the ghost of Steve Jobs was visiting me. People responded by saying that I was being insensitive. Steve Jobs wrote, "No, I'm actually here. It's really nice that people are saying these wonderful things about me."

This resulted in so many complaints that I was removed from facebook. I said it's hard to go against the grain. Steve Jobs said, "Tell me about it."

MJ

I was called to the stand in Michael Jackson's doctor's trial.

The prosecutor asked if I'd ever seen Michael in concert. I said I hadn't. The prosecutor said he hadn't either and sighed.

The Judge said he'd seen Michael in concert and that he was amazing. Everyone in the courtroom applauded.

The Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Center

I was driving through Fremont, Ohio when I saw a sign for the Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Center. I'm a sucker for dead presidents and I pulled in.

One of the buildings had a library full of a lot of books. Musty, dull looking books. Back in the 1800s, books were not entertainment. They were lifelessly packed dully dense fact containers. Most people back then were illiterate, so books were relegated to holding open doors.

I happened to notice the ghost of President Rutherford B. Hayes perusing the books. I asked if he was a big reader. President Hayes said that he rarely read. But the books in this library were a replica of everything in his brain. For his two terms in office, he had a team of scribes write down everything he thought. These thoughts were put into book form and placed in his library.

I asked President Hayes the purpose of a replica of his mind. Hayes felt the reason people got old was there were so many pieces of information in their brain, that over time the mind wore down and eventually broke, and the body followed suit. Putting his mind in the books was a way to lighten the load.

I asked President Hayes what he was reading when I came upon him. He said he was reading his theory that women were puppets men created to keep them company, and the puppetry was so amazing that men forgot that the women were puppets, and they forgot to set the puppets down, and soon descended into madness.

I asked what his wife thought of this theory. President Hayes said that his wife pointed out that what we think of others is often an unconscious description of how we see ourselves. Hayes said he saw the truth of her statement and gained back all the mental weight he had lost in the writing of these books. He died two days later.

There's no escape

The sun came out. I ran around my yard, skipping and singing.

But then clouds showed up. Rain fell along with lightening. I ran into the house soaked.

There was a knock on my door. I answered. It was one of the clouds. It apologized for getting me wet. I said not to worry about it.

But then the cloud said its feelings were hurt when I ran away into the house.

It's hard enough just dealing with human emotions.

Making the Best of Things

I built a fold-out ladder that extended to the Moon. At first, I didn't think things through timing wise, and I unfolded and climbed the length of the ladder and missed the Moon by nine miles to the right. I made some calculations, and the next day I unfolded and climbed the ladder two hours and two minutes earlier and successfully made it on to the Moon.

I soon felt like an idiot though as I was jumping around in a victory dance and noticed the continuing rotation of the Earth took the ladder away leaving me stranded on the Moon.

I had to wait an entire day for the ladder to return. When it did, there were a couple of thousand people on the ladder wanting to get on the Moon. I snapped into action and charged each person a dollar.