Fetch

I asked my dog Rexy, "What's the meaning of life?"

Rexy said, "A meaning is like a name placard next to a painting. If you're reading it, you're missing the painting. Can you just toss the stick and I'll chase it?"

Second Sun

Late last night while playing guitar, I was visited by the ghost of Kurt Cobain, the lead singer of the band Nirvana.

I actually stood up to greet him. Some celebrities bring out the enamors in me. The magic juice flows and I'm inebriated.

Kurt told me to sit down. He said one of the greatest things is sitting. It means there's no better place to be than this chair.

Kurt asked me to play one of my songs. I played him Second Sun. It's about the day the Sun split in two and there were two Suns. One on each side of the planet. So there were no more night times. People never slept. It was fun till they got really tired. But they couldn't sleep because it wasn't dark. So people had to dig holes in the ground, just like desert critters, so they could get some sleep. The Second Sun got angry and crashed into the Earth, but people were underground so they were okay. The Second Sun gave up and flew away.

Kurt cried. He said that he thought he would stop crying when he died. But it wasn't so. I said you can't escape your nature.

Craps!

I was gambling in Las Vegas. I was up $75,000 at the craps table. I bet it all on seven.

I gave the dice to my dog Rexy to throw for good luck. She ate the dice.

The dealer didn't know what to do. He went to the casino's floor manager. The dealer came back and said we had to sit around and wait to see how the numbers came out.

Knows It All

I was walking through the Arctic when I came upon a carrot-nosed snowman.

I said, "I thought you only existed in front of people's houses."

The snowman said, "It must be a lot of pressure to think that you know everything."

I said, "It is."

Wave

I felt myself falling back in time. I saw moments pass by like cards being shuffled.

Then I found myself on the deck of a ship during a storm. A mighty wave crashed into me. I flew across the deck and grabbed a rope. I didn't know if I could hold on. I was coughing up sea water.

Another wave collapsed on me. I lost my grip and went overboard. The water was icy cold. I watched the ship bob two stories above me, then fall three below.

For a brief second, I saw a person tied to the ship's mast. He was intently taking in the cacophony of wind, rain, and waves. I remembered my college art history class. There was a British painter named William Turner. He asked to be tied to ship's masts during storms so he could memorize images for future paintings.

I saw the man again. His eyes alighted on me with great curiosity. I waved. I know you're not supposed to do that with celebrities. But I get overwhelmed.

A wave lifted me up onto the ship's mast. I grabbed and held on tightly to the ropes. I discovered myself to be inches from the face of the man tied to the mast.

I asked his name. He confirmed my guess. I said I was a big fan. Again, something you're not supposed to do.

Divergence

I sat in the desert and cried.

An armadillo came by and said, "You're doing a lousy job of watering the desert."

I laughed. The armadillo helped me up.

We walked paw in hand till we got to Filbert's Shake Stand.

I had a lemon-lime shake. The armadillo had a gnat shake.

We sipped and watched cars drive by.

Who's Hungry

I stood outside the lion's cage. We both noticed that the cage door was unlatched.

The lion got a hungry gleam in its eye.

I said, "Don't count your blessings. I haven't had lunch."

Compromise

My dog Rexy said, "Can we go for a walk?"

I said, "No. It's raining. I lost my umbrella and I don't want to get wet."

Rexy said, "Think of it like taking a shower."

I said okay and walked Rexy while naked. I carried a bar of soap and sudsed up to prevent any trouble with the law.

What're Ya Gonna Do?

I climbed the eight hours up the mountain side to visit my Guru's cave.

When I got there, my Guru said, "What is it now, Brooks?"

I said, "Nothing. I just came to visit."

My Guru said, "Well, then let me tell you what's bugging me. I hate living in a cave. I miss TV. I miss women. I'm tired of being bitten by bats. No matter how many blankets I wear, I can never get warm enough. My ass hurts sitting on the cave floor. I'm tired of people's problems. I'm sick of philosophy. I miss pizza."

I didn't say anything.

My Guru said, "Oh, my God. I sound like everyone that comes to visit me."

I said, "It's hard being human."

Shhh

I was staying at a Holiday Inn in Edmonton, BC. I like to visit Canada because it's quieter than the USA. In Canada, people apologize if they walk too hard.

I caught the elevator down to the lobby. A few floors down, the elevator stopped and let in the members of the band Pearl Jam. We all said hi. I'm thankful for, "Hi." It's the only really useful and friendly thing you can say to someone else. Pretty much anything said after hello is a mistake.

The elevator doors closed and we descended. We all looked down and said nothing. The doors opened up to the lobby. The band went out, walked through the lobby, out to the street, and got in a limo for their show that night at the Pacific Coliseum.

I sat on a sofa in the lobby next to the fish tank. I watched a goldfish wander into the castle in the aquarium. The goldfish stayed in there for a while.

And That's the Way It Is

This morning I took a stroll with the ghost of news anchor Walter Cronkite.

We walked arm in arm. Ghosts don't have a problem with public displays of affection since it's rare that people can actually see them.

Cronkite said, "You seem nervous."

I said, "I am. You were such a big deal authority figure for me when I was a kid."

Cronkite said, "While alive, I pooped, ate food, smelled, swore, and burped just like everyone else."

I said, "Yes, but not on the air."

Cronkite said, "In 1967, I proposed a news show to the executives at CBS in which I would deliver the news in my underwear, with uncombed hair, drinking directly from a bottle of red wine, while sitting at my messy kitchen table. The executives were interested and shot a pilot. The show was test marketed. Most people said the show was lousy because it reminded them of their own lives. It never made it to the air. I was depressed for years."

A bird flew down, landed in Cronkite's hair, and laid an egg. A tear came to Cronkite's eye.

Cronkite said, "It's nice to get any kind of acknowledgment."

At the Circus!

I was at the circus. The clowns were spotlighted in the center ring. The clowns asked for a volunteer. I raised my hand. They invited me down.

I stood amidst the clowns. They opened the door to the clown car. I got in. 16 clowns followed me.

We drove out of the arena. We got on the freeway and drove south for a while. I fell asleep.

When I woke up, the clown car was parking. The door opened. The clowns got out. I was the last to exit into bright sunshine.

We were at a beach in Key West, Florida.

I said I didn't have a bathing suit. The clowns gave me an over-sized bright orange bathing suit with silver suspenders.

I put it on, jumped into the water and went for a swim.

Noticing

I was flying my plane when I caught up to a mallard flying south.

I opened the plane's window and said, "Where's the rest of your group?"

The mallard said, "I slept in and they left without me."

I said, "Would you like a ride?"

The mallard said yes. I put the plane on auto-pilot and opened the plane's door. The mallard flew in.

The mallard sat next to me in the cockpit. The mallard looked out the window.

The mallard said, "This is a pretty nice view. I never get a chance to notice because I'm usually so busy flapping my wings."

Good Manners

I was walking through the woods when I came upon a unicorn.

I said hi. The unicorn nodded back. I kept walking.

I like to respect the privacy of celebrities.

Sipping with Pinky

I was sitting in the backyard, sipping lemonade with my pet porcupine Pinky.

A bee that was flying around Pinky's glass, landed in the lemonade and drowned. Pinky picked up the bee and ate it.

Pinky said, "Oh, my God, that was delicious!"

I said, "You have a proclivity towards things barbed."

Pinky said, "Well, my friend, so do you."

Much Simpler

I gave a talk at Toastmasters about the importance of being easy when parallel parking. I said the anxiety may come that you'll sideswipe the car you are trying to park behind. But imagine you are a whale, swimming past another whale. You can sense the boundaries of your space.

That's when I felt the pop, snap and crackle of time travel. The people's faces from the room faded, the podium was gone. I was sliding through the tubes of time.

I ended up on a bed in a small room. A man, writing at a desk lit by a candle, looked over, shocked to see me.

Since he was a writer, I felt it was safe to say that I was a time-traveler. Writers are self-trained to be open to strange things. The man was fine with the details of my circumstances.

It turns out he was Stephen Crane, the author of Red Badge of Courage. I apologized for having not reading the book. Though to console Mr. Crane, I said that many school children all over the country are forced to read his book. This brought Mr. Crane great satisfaction.

I asked Mr. Crane what he was currently working on. He said he was attempting to write about a Utopian society that saved mankind from demoralization. I said I would save him time by letting him know that in 1921, Science discovered that the lesser morals that are normally frowned upon, turned out to be humankind's highest possible moral standards, thus eliminating the need for religion. People stopped bathing, apologizing, and the wearing of clothes. For once, we became as happy as the dog.

Mr. Crane set down his pen and looked at his writings. He said "Oh, my. This changes..."

Mr. Crane began to fade, as well as his room. The air crackled as I traveled back to the Toastmasters room. I was surprised to see a naked and bedraggled audience. Someone in the audience said, "What's that on your body?" I said that I was sorry. Another person said, "What does that mean?"

In my confusion I looked around the room, and suddenly my eyes fell upon a well-worn book called, What's the Point Then?!?, by Stephen Crane. I took off my clothes, burped, farted, and said everyone could go to hell. The room responded with thunderous applause.

From One Thing to Another

I was hired by The Rolling Stones to clutter bust. The band's stuff filled three large rooms. There were pieces of stage props, costumes, old instruments, tapes of concerts and studio recordings. I asked the band if they were going to use any of these things anymore. Mick Jagger, the singer, said probably not. I asked if that meant they could let this stuff go. The band took a vote and said yes.

I moved all the Rolling Stones old stuff into my truck, saying that I would take it to a charity for donation. They thanked me, wrote me a check, and I drove away.

The thing is, I'm a big fan of the band, so of course I couldn't help but bring all their old stuff home. The Stones paraphernalia filled my house. It became difficult to move around. The hardest part was that I couldn't enjoy any of these things because I didn't have the space to take anything out and look at it. I became sullen and stopped taking showers.

At the height of my despair, my dog Rexy, who is also my company's receptionist, said to me, "You'd better get your head out of your ass, because The Who heard what a great job you did for the Stones, and they've booked you to help them clutter bust their stuff tomorrow morning at 10 am."

This gave me the strength to snap back and move all the Stones old stuff to the dumpsters outside. I wanted to start fresh so I could have room for all the Who's old crap.

Being Nice

My dog Rexy was in tears.

I asked her what was up.

Rexy said she was upset because the next door neighbor's cat told her that she was uncivilized and that's why she needed to be tethered by a leash.

I agreed but didn't say so. Instead I told her that the leash was prescribed by my doctor to get me to walk faster.

Mistaken

I went to see U2 in concert. Halfway through their show, I felt tired, closed my eyes, and fell asleep. When I awoke, the stadium was empty.

I walked out to the parking lot and got in my car. As I was pulling out, I noticed Bono, the lead singer of U2, smoking a cigarette outside his limousine.

I pulled up next to the limo. I said, "I'm sorry I fell asleep during your show."

Bono said, "Not to worry. It's nice you felt that relaxed."

I said, "I think your music is like a lullaby."

Bono said, "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."

I said goodbye and drove home. I felt badly because I didn't mean what I said as a compliment.

Plans Changed

I was driving across the desert in Utah when my car broke down.

I sat for a while. The heat waves created ripples in my view of the distance to nowhere extending for miles in every direction.

An armadillo walked across the desert towards my car. The armadillo stopped and waited by the passenger door. I opened the door and the armadillo got in, closing the door behind itself.

The armadillo said, "Where you going?"

I said, "I'm heading towards the coast."

The armadillo said, "Can you take me?"

I said, "No. My car has stopped working."

The armadillo said, "Oh. Then would you like to stay with me?"

I thought about it and then said, "Yes."

The armadillo and I walked to its burrow.

I said, "I won't fit."

The armadillo said, "We'll see about that."

The armadillo clawed the burrow to at least ten times its original size. The armadillo went in first. I followed.

The armadillo said, "What do you think?"

I said, "I like it!"

In Remembrance

I tried explaining 9/11 to my dog Rexy.

She said, "All I notice is your face gets distorted and I'm not being fed."

Filling In

I looked up at the Sun.

The Sun said, "What?"

I said, "Just admiring your sunnyness."

The Sun felt self-conscious and left the sky. The Moon wasn't ready to take its place. It was an awkward moment.

But then a raven appeared in the sky, flying in loops.

The raven said, "How's this?"

I said, "It will do."

Visitor

I was sitting, thinking about nothing much when an angel showed up.

I said, "Hi."

The angel said, "Hello."

We didn't say much for a little while.

The angel said, "What's on TV?"

I said, "I don't know, let's find out."

I turned on my TV. There was a wrestling match.

The angel said, "I like wrestling."

We watched wrestling until the angel fell asleep. I turned off the TV and covered up the angel with a blanket.

Things Work Out

I visited President Obama at the White House. We had lunch in the Eisenhower Dining Room. It was nice to be waited on. I used to work in food service. I must have served over a thousand people their meal.

I was so enjoying being served that I wasn't paying attention to what President Obama was saying to me. I heard him clear his throat. I noticed he was waiting for an answer.

I said, "I'm sure you don't need my advice."

When I got home, I noticed that Yahoo News featured a story that said President Obama decided to change the name of our country to, "A Bunch of People Living Between Two Oceans."

The thing is, I would have said, "Great choice!"

Royally

I have a friendship with the ghost of Marie Antoinette. The first of every month we go out for ice cream sundaes at Farrell's Ice Cream Parlor. I take her there because she doesn't speak English and I don't speak French, so we just focus on the eating of desserts.

I also take her to Farrell's because it's an outrageous place with the flashing lights and singing waitstaff and this helps distract everyone from the lavish and antiquated outfits she wears from the late 1700s.

Last week, Marie Antoinette and I went to Farrell's for the very last time. Farrell's wouldn't let us in because of their new no ghost policy. Marie got angry and I think she threatened to haunt the place. Though I'm sure it would only add to the allure.

My girlfriend was happy to hear this. She was jealous of my friendship. But at the same time, she was partially to blame because of her lactose intolerance.

Have You Considered the Alternative?

I hung out with the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny was edgy. I asked what was up. The Easter Bunny told me it was hard to only have Easter to focus on. She needed a larger and more time consuming purpose.

I suggested perhaps going back to the simplicity of being a regular bunny. Then her days are mostly spent eating grass and people's gardens.

The Easter Bunny was adamant about having something important to do. I suggested the Easter Bunny was obsessed with self-image. It didn't seem to me that being the Easter Bunny was actually giving her personal satisfaction and joy.

The Easter Bunny broke down in tears and told me she hated eggs, and the infuriating process of dyeing and then hiding them. She disliked her image being formed into chocolate effigies. She confessed she wasn't even Catholic.

The Easter Bunny set fire to her egg carrying basket. She tore up her contract with Hershey's. She said from now on she would like to be called Prudence the Rabbit.

Liberty

I lost all my money, my car, and apartment.

So I went walking. Sidewalks are free and I had plenty of time.

I walked from Chicago to Philadelphia. I was excited. I'd never seen the liberty bell.

I walked till I found the liberty bell. It was a pretty big bell.

The liberty bell bell said, "Why so down and out?"

I said, "I haven't showered for ten days. I've been sleeping under trees. I've been eating grass from the side of the road. Actually, I think the salad diet has been good for me."

The liberty bell said, "Life moves in extremes. Pretty soon you'll be living in a penthouse in a golden tower, eating food cooked by top chefs, and sleeping in a king-sized bed with satin sheets."

I hugged the liberty bell.

The crack in the liberty bell split the rest of the way through the bell. The liberty bell cracked in two, both halves loudly hitting the ground.

I said, "I'm sorry."

The liberty bell said, "It's like I said."

Some Helpful Advice

I traveled back in time to yesterday. I caught up with myself having breakfast.

Yesterday's Me said, "To what do I owe this honor?"

Today's Me said, "Just visiting a friend."

Yesterday's Me said, "What should I know about today?"

Today's Me said, "Things will go good until you decide to take a drive through the country-side. While out and about you will pick up a hitch-hiking bear. The bear will tell you about a bee-hive he found while out looking for food."

Yesterday's Me said, "But I like bears."

Today's Me said, "I know, but the thing is he'll take the hive out from under his arm to show you, unplug it, and bees will fill your car."

Yesterday's Me said, "I was trying to avoid avoiding asking about your puffy-puffy face."