What to Eat?

I was walking through the woods when I got tangled up in a huge spider web. I looked up and saw a massive spider coming towards me. I felt like I was in one of those movies where spiders come into contact with radiation and grow to the size of a house.

At the last possible second, I said, "I'm not that tasty."

The spider stopped and said, "How do you know?"

I said, "I'm skinny. I imagine I'd be gristly."

The spider said, "I'm willing to take that chance."

I said, "Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you."

The spider opened its massive fangs. Just then a cow walked into the spider web. The spider looked at both of us.

The cow said, "Listen, I've heard that spiders are lactose intolerant."

Musically Speaking

I took a boat ride with the ghost of the composer Igor Stravinsky.

I said, "When I was an infant, my parents gave me a Sesame Street vibraphone. I used to bang away on it, and it must have sounded awful. I don't know how my parents survived."

Stravinsky said, "Everyone of us is born with innate musical talents. We express them as different tonal progressions of nature. A cacophony is simply an aspect of consciousness singing."

A duck approached our boat. The duck quacked away.

Stravinsky said, "I must be honest, I abhor quacking."

I said, "But you said that every sound is a note in the Universal Symphony."

Stravinsky said, "Yes, but that doesn't mean I have to like it."

Meander

David Bowie and I are part of a meandering club. We meet twice a month. We start walking, looking only at the ground, and keep going until we feel to stop and look around.

Recently we walked from New York City and kept going. Finally we decided to stop. We looked around and noticed that we were standing in the midst of a spring.

I said I felt a powerful warmth coming up from the water and invigorating me. David Bowie said the waters were making him remember being an infant, lying in his crib, with the sun's warmth on his body.

I noticed a young red-haired boy sitting on the bank with his feet in the spring. I asked him where we were. He said, "You're standing in God's healing springs of Blackville, South Carolina."

I asked him his name. He said, "Thomas Jefferson." I asked if he was The Thomas Jefferson. He said, "The one and only."

David Bowie said he felt like doing a cartwheel. He did a good one. I stood on my hands. I stayed aloft for half a minute!

The Clouds Part, The Sun Comes Out

My pet ladybug, Lady B., and I went for a walk in the field out behind my house.

Lady B. said, "I've wasted my life."

I said, "Why would you feel that way?"

Lady B. said, "I've done so very little."

I said, "Well, how much would you have to do to feel good about your life?"

Lady B. said, "A lot more than I've done."

I said, "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. You should know that I'm in awe of your shiny red shell. I could spend my whole life trying and never have one of those. Do you wax it?"

Lady B. said, "No, it's always been this way."

I said, "You are one lucky bug."

Lady B. held my hand tightly. She began to whistle.

Stop Making Sense

I had lunch with David Byrne.

David Byrne had potatoes ala Hindenburg. This is a delicious blend of red potatoes, spicy peppers, yak meat, and blue cheese. I had a bowl of oatmeal. When I eat with famous people, I don't want the food to distract me from me sitting across from them.

I asked David Byrne how he spends his days. He said that he likes to watch Shadow TV. It's a cable channel that has programs on the various expressions and manifestations of shadows. He liked how the Sun creates shadows by its mere presence, but it has no attachments to the shadows it manifests.

I said, I like to spend my days watering my backyard. I don't have any grass on the yard. So the watering creates a lot of mud. I like to then mold the mud into a miniature city. I create tiny mud people to live in the mud buildings and homes. I wait till the Sun dries the mud into hard earth. Then I paint the dirt people and buildings. I get out my keyboards and play a soundtrack for the city I created. The next day I begin all over again.

David Byrne was fascinated. He said my dedication to art was enthralling. I felt great.

The thing is, I made up everything I told David Byrne. I was intimidated by his history of creative exuberance. I didn't want to tell him that I sit around all morning waiting for the mail.

Understanding

I built a wishing well in my backyard. I threw in a quarter and made a wish.

The wishing well said, "I know you want me to be a wishing well, but I'm actually a duck pond."

I said, "It worked. I wished you'd just tell me what you wanted."

Back in Town

I arrived back in the USA today. I was greeted at the airport by a brass band and President Obama.

I said I was grateful but it was unnecessary.

President Obama said that things have been difficult for a while and he was looking for something easy to do that would be well received.

I still don't know why anyone would want to run for that office.

Travel Companion

I was walking through the Brazilian rain forest when I came upon a toucan.

I said, "I'm lost, can you help me?"

The toucan said, "I'll try. Where are you trying to get to?"

I said, "The Century movies theater in Evanston."

The toucan said, "What are you going to see?"

I said, "Fright Night."

The toucan said, "Can I come?"

I said, "Yes."

The toucan flew to my shoulder. We walked together for two days straight and we were still in the rain forest.

I said, "I think by the time we get there, it will no longer be showing."

The toucan said, "That's alright, nothing ever ends up as you imagined."

I got hungry and cooked and ate the toucan.

While At Church

I went to confession.

I said, "I don't believe in God."

The priest said, "That's not a problem. I don't believe either."

I asked, "Why are you a priest?"

He said, "I was unemployed and the church was hiring."

We sat in silence.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door to the confession booth. A voice said, "It's God. Can you hurry it up in there. I want my turn."

Some Things that Happened Today

I went to the zoo and saw a hippo.

The hippo said, "You know, from my perspective, I'm watching you."

I said, "Yeah, I know, but I was just hoping to make a friend."

The hippo unlatched its cage and invited me in. We went swimming in the hippo's pool. Afterwards we laid out in the sun to dry off.

I said, "I like your place."

The hippo said, "Do you want to be roommates?"

I said, "Okay."

Helpful Question

I'm in Brazil this week. I came for the "What? Are You Kidding Me?" convention. It's a new religion. Whenever you come across something overwhelming, rather than be depressed, you ask the question.

I asked WAYKM? yesterday when I was hiking through the rain-forest and came across a tiger. The tiger said, "No, seriously, I'm going to eat you."

Stuck

I went on a hike with the ghost of the inventor of the cotton gin, Eli Whitney.

I said, "What made you invent something that helped separate cotton from its seeds?"

Eli Whitney said, "It was never of any interest to me. But the idea suddenly came to my mind. I shared these imaginings with Ben Franklin. Franklin helped me design, manufacture and sell the cotton gin."

I said, "When I was a kid, I wanted to invent a bubble gum that wouldn't stick to the hair. I was heavily invested in a solution because I was constantly bullied in grade school. Bullies stuck wads of gum stuck in my hair. I got serious and set up a testing lab in my basement. I tried mixing gum with cooking oil in an attempt to make the gum non-sticky, but it made the gum too soft and unchewable. I gave up in frustration."

Eli Whitney said, "I think you were unsuccessful because of your great investment in the outcome. The greater the need, the more of a nemesis it becomes. I still to this day, don't give a whit about processing cotton."

We hiked for a while in silence. Eli Whitney noticed a wad of gum stuck to a rock.

Eli Whitney said, "I'm certain that rock feels your pain."

Substitute

Today I subbed for Speaker of the House, Congressman John Boehner. He had some family responsibilities today and asked me to step in for him.

So I got to sit up on the big chair in Congress. I had a gavel. I kept banging it. Finally security came and asked me to stop. I asked the security guard to just take it from me, otherwise it was too hard to not bang the gavel.

Then we had a meeting where we were supposed to cut a trillion dollars from the Federal Budget. No one came to any agreements, so I dismantled the Federal Government and had the State's become individual but friendly to each other countries.

Since the Federal Government was now no more, I called John Boehner and told him he didn't need to come back to work anymore. He said that was good because he was thinking seriously about opening a Sell It On E-Bay store.

Nevermind

I took a trip this weekend to the planet Zhor.

While walking around on Zhor, I ran into a Zhororian who was carrying a book called Better Late Than Dead! I asked to take a look. The book was filled with all of my blogs.

I said, "I wrote these."

The Zhororian said, "Good for you."

I said, "No, I just, I mean...Do you like the stories?"

The Zhororian said, "We read your book to learn English."

I said, "Great! And did you like what you read?"

The Zhororian said, "I don't understand what you mean."

Just then Zhor's sky burst into a melodious mixture of sounds and colors. The audible visions poured onto the ground. The colors sang and danced before us. The vibrating rainbows grabbed our hands and we sang and danced in a circle. The singing hues formed a wave, lifting myself and the Zhororian skywards.

We looked at each other. I said, "I can't remember what I asked you."

The Zhorarian said, "Why are you still talking?"

A Temporary Place of Quiet

I like to go to the north pole and sit down. It's so quiet there. Sure, it's cold. I wear two down jackets and many scarves and hats. But the peace of mind I get from being there makes it worth while.

One of my friends asked me how come I just don't live there. I tried, once. I moved all my stuff up to the north pole. I built a two story igloo. I even figured out how to get wi-fi access.

But after two weeks, I'd get anxious again and think, "What's the point?"

Oh, Hi!

I fell into a bottomless pit. The part that scared me the most was that I would never land. I get bored with the same thing. Sometimes five minutes of something is too much.

After a half hour of falling and fretting, I was distracted by a cow falling next to me.

I nodded at the cow. The cow nodded back to me.

It was nice to have the company.

Limelight

I was watching the sunset with the ghost of Charlie Chaplin.

Chaplin said, "I never get tired of seeing the sun go down."

I said, "I think if you weren't here, I'd be inside, surfing the internet."

Chaplin said, "What's the internet?"

I said, "It allows you to read and look at things with a backlight."

Chaplin, "Kind of like a movie for books?"

I said, "Not necessarily."

Chaplin said, "You look sad."

I said, "I'd rather want to watch the sun go down."

Chaplin put his arm around me. We watched the sun fade out on the horizon.

Ways to Expand the Military Budget

I helped the army create a new bomb. It drops from airplanes and is bulky and heavy and makes a lot of noise when it falls. The bomb also smokes and sparks. But there are no explosives in it.

The bombs only cost $37 a piece to make. I figured a plane could dump seventy-five of these bombs, one at a time. The first bomb will scare the people on the ground. When the bomb doesn't explode, people will assume the first bomb was a dud.

By the 25th bomb, people's nervousness fades and they question the bomb's explosive making capabilities. However there is still a worry that one of the heavy looking bombs might land on and hurt them.

With the 50th bomb, people are feeling compassionate for the bomb droppers ineptitude. Compassion removes fear and creates an openness of getting along.

As the 75the bomb drops, the people on the ground call the country whose bombs are dropping on them and ask, "Is everything okay?"

He's Right

I was tending the garden when I was joined by the ghost of famous astronomer Galileo Galilei.

Galileo said, "That's a healthy looking garden."

I said, "Thanks. I work hard at it. If I leave it alone for a day, it becomes a knotted nightmare."

Galileo said, "Anything we care about needs tending."

I said, "Sometimes tending is not enough. For instance, I sucked in science. I tried to study, but it was a miracle if I could get a D."

Galileo said, "Sucking at something is actually a progressive trait. It means you see things differently than the way everyone has up till now. The Catholic Church said I sucked when I said that the sun, not the earth, was the center of our universe."

I pulled up some weeds. Galileo handed me a bucket to put them in.

I said, "Thanks...Still, sucking, no matter how new and correct it may be, brings with it a significant dollop of punishment."

Galileo said, "Yes. But in the end, you share a room with only yourself, and you do best to not alienate such an intimate roommate."

I got out the hose and started to water the garden. For fun I sprayed water on Galileo. The water went right through him.

Nothing's Perfect

I did my set last night at Lollapalooza. There were 85,000 people in the audience. I'm troubled that people came just because of the monkey. That's the curse of being an organ grinder.

Remorse

As I left NYC this morning, Mayor Bloomberg met me at the city limits. He asked me if I had a good time. I asked him what was really up. Mayor Bloomberg started to cry and asked me not to leave. I said he should have told me that sooner, that I'd made other plans and had to go.

I felt badly for being harsh with Mayor Bloomberg. I have a hard time with crying adults. I think it might be a reminder of some tears I have backed up in me.

Granted

I went to Grant's tomb. I knocked. The door opened. The ghost of President U.S. Grant answered. I asked if he had a few minutes to spare. Grant said he did and invited me in. We sat down at a small table and chairs set up next to his coffin.

I said, "It seems like most ghosts like to travel around. How come you remain in your tomb?"

Grant said, "I traveled so often when I was alive that I appreciate this rest."

I said, "As a general, do you think war is unavoidable?"

Grant said, "War is part of life. People don't always get along. Sometimes it's a squabble between a couple. Sometimes it's a bigger one between two countries."

I said, "If you were alive now, what would you do?"

Grant said, "I'd be a pastry chef. I love pastries. The thing is, they only taste exceptional when they are right out of the oven. If you are a consumer, that's hard to come by. If you're a chef, you're the first in line."

Small Talk

I was standing at the corner of Amsterdam and 97th in NYC waiting for the light to change. I looked over and saw a cop sitting on a police horse. I nodded to the police horse.

I said, "How's it goin'?"

The police horse said, "The things I've seen."

I said, "You should write a book."

The police horse said, "That's what people tell me."

Hanging Out in Central Park

I was sitting on a rock in Central Park when a forest sprite showed up.

The forest sprite said, "Hello."

I said, "Hi."

Suddenly a dog came from over the hill, ran up and bit the forest sprite. The forest sprite got angry, took out a wand and zapped the dog into nothingness.

I said, "I wish I had a wand like that."

The forest sprite said, "I know, it's pretty nice."

The Only Way to Travel?

I got on my wagon to ride to New York City. I prefer riding with a horse and wagon because it allows me to travel and not have to leave my horse behind. My horse is my best friend. We go to movies together. We love spending time at the water park.

My horse doesn't mind pulling the wagon. I travel light. I only bring my suitcase, my popcorn popper, and my pine cone collection.

To be fair, occasionally I pull the wagon. But my horse gets anxious and says I'm going too slow. That's usually when I wish I'd taken a plane.