Confessing

I went to Confession.

I said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign."

The priest said, "Seriously, is that it?"

I said, "Yes."

The priest got up, left the confessional, pulled me out of the confession booth and took me to a bar. The priest got me drunk. Then we went to a grocery store and the priest convinced me to shoplift some apples. Then we got back in my car and the priest had me crash into a light post.

We walked back to the church, the priest pushed me into the confessional, and then he went over to his side.

The priest said, "Yes, my son?"

I said, "Forgive me father, I forgot to tip the bartender."

The priest said, "Never mind."

Wishing Well

I went to the wishing well.

The wishing well said, "Yes, what is it this time?"

I said, "I don't know what I want."

The wishing well said, "Maybe you'll be alright without a day of needing something to feel okay."

I said, "Yes, I want that!"

The wishing well said, "Oh, jeez."

Back to the Beginning

I was writing at my desk when my desk said, "I miss being a tree."

I said, "I understand. Is there anything I can do?"

My desk said, "Yes, can you release me back into the forest?"

I said, "Sure."

I loaded my desk into my truck and drove three hours to the woods. I put the desk on a dolly and pushed it deep into the woods.

Suddenly my desk said, "Here would be nice."

I set my desk down on the forest floor.

I said, "Anything else, or will that be it?"

My desk said, "This will be fine, thanks."

I said goodbye and walked back to my car.

As I drove home, I was inspired and felt compelled to go back to The Creaking Cradle, the orphanage where I started out in the world. I drove the 16 hours. When I got there, I found that it was now a 7-11. I got a cherry slurpee.

Enjoying Time Off

A meteor the size of Manhattan was approaching the Earth. Governments built spaceships and moved everyone off the planet and onto the moon.

I was the only one who stayed.

I was sitting out by Lake Michigan, enjoying the peace and quiet of an abandoned planet, when the meteor bust through the Earth's atmosphere and hurtled towards land.

The meteor hit the lake at an angle, and instead of plunging, skipped the entire 307 miles of water, landing on the edge of Detroit.

It reminded me of when my father taught me how to skip stones when I was a kid. A confident whip of the wrist could send a stone kissing the surface of the water fourteen or fifteen times before it sank.

Orbiting

I looked up at the moon and said, "Do you ever get tired of living in the Earth's orbit?"

The moon said, "Once. It was about a hundred thousand years ago. I'd had enough and left. I wandered aimlessly. Then for a while I was a moon around Jupiter. We got along really well at first. But I was always complaining about the Earth and Jupiter got tired of hearing it and kicked me out of its orbit."

I said, "Why did you come back?"

The moon said, "I got a letter from the Earth saying it decided to create life forms, and it needed me to manipulate the appropriate weather systems necessary to sustain living organisms."

I said, "I guess in the end we all need to feel wanted."

The Power of Inquiry

I walked deep into the woods and came upon a beautiful waterfall. I stood under the waterfall and realized what I thought was water was Coca-Cola. The thing about soda is it smells and tastes good, but when used as a shower, it's sticky.

I said to the waterfall, "Can you switch to water so I can wash off the soda?"

The waterfall said, "Sure, just give me a second."

I waited and pretty soon the waterfall switched to water. I've been learning that it helps to ask.

Nothing's Real

I was joined in my morning walk by the ghost of Mata Hari. She was executed for being a double agent during the First World War.

I said, "What was it like being a spy?"

Mata Hari said, "I wasn't one. I alluded to being a spy to attract attention and audiences to my exotic dance shows."

I said, "That's terrible that you had to die for your work."

Mata Hari, "Yes, but I would have died eventually."

I said, "I think I get caught up in other people's stories."

Mata Hari said, "Then you are a lover of fiction. Most of what we hear about other's lives is fabricated."

I said, "When I was in first grade, there was a rumor that I ate bugs. I never ate them. But I did nothing to discredit these stories. It made me popular. People called my Bugsy. My false life allowed me to kiss Leah Stubbers. The funny thing is she actually ate potato bugs."

Mousing

My mouse friend, Bixby, said, "You know, I love cheese. But I never think about it unless I'm eating it."

I said, "I wish I had your solemnity."

My mouse friend Bixby said, "I don't even know what that means."

My Home on the Moon

I have a second home on the Moon. I take my rocket ship up there to get away.

There's no TV or internet or electricity. I get my light from either the sunlight streaming through the windows, or when it's darkside, I light a candle.

I like to take strolls on the Moon's surface. I bought an old spacesuit from a NASA yard sale. On Earth the spacesuit weights a crushing 500 pounds, but on the moon, I feel like I'm walking underwater in a pool!

I like to look up at the Earth. It looks like a floating giant blueberry with mold. It makes me think that all the little insignificant things we ignore around us could be earths, teeming with life.

A few other people have homes up on the Moon. One of them moved up with them an oxygen infused 1987 Chrysler LaBaron. I can usually tell where they are by the moon dust storm they leave behind them.

My Giraffe

I took my giraffe out for a stroll. The giraffe likes eating from the neighbor's trees. And the neighbors like it because it saves them from having to trim their trees.

I originally bought my giraffe off of Craigslist. It was listed under pets. I'd been thinking of buying a mouse because they are small and easy to take care of. But when I saw the ad and photo of the giraffe I thought it was that much more of a pet to love.

Sometimes when I feel tired, I ride on my giraffe's back. It's amazing because I can see above cars, small trees and houses. I pretend I live in the open plains of Africa. I think to myself, "I am the original man!" But then my giraffe poops and I have to climb down and put the poop in a lawn and leaf bag, and I end up feeling like I work for the circus. But then I imagine I'm a clown and I feel happy again .

Noticing Small Things

This morning I took a walk with the Sun. We held hands. It's funny how the Sun's fingers don't burn me. I think that's the sign of a good friendship.

Frets

I woke up this morning, fretting.

"Will I be charged for the portions of the day I don't use?"

"How can I be certain that this is a certified Monday?"

"It's so late in the morning that I'm not sure if I should eat breakfast or lunch."

"I feel guilty with the thoughts of leaving a bed that cost me a great deal of money."

My dog Rexy said, "I feel old just being in the proximity of your thoughts."

What's Next

I got tired of staying at home and I hitched a ride on a comet.

I said, "Where are we going?"

The comet said, "To the end of the universe."

We rode together till we reached a wall and sign that said, "Under Construction."

I said, "What's on the other side of the wall?"

The comet said, "The future."

I said, "I wonder what it will be."

The comet said, "Just another day."

The comet and I opened a picnic basket and had lunch. We ate and then waited.

Crow

I was awoken by the Crow at my bedroom window.

I said, "Yes, Crow, what is it?"

The Crow said, "Get out of bed, there is much to do."

I said, "Do you mean the showering, the brushing of teeth, and the eating of breakfast?"

The Crow said, "I'm talking about beyond the preliminaries."

I was excited at the prospects and got out of bed and completed the three. Then I sat and waited. I figured the big things to accomplish would be arriving any minute.

I waited. And waited. By three I was hungry and made a bean sandwich for lunch. Then I took a nap. When I awoke at six I got up and checked my voice and emails and found nothing. I felt foolish for trusting the words of a bird.

Just then the Crow flew in through my living room window and landed next to me.

I said, "Crow, there was nothing for me to do."

The Crow said, "You underestimate the value of value of nothing."

I said, "I spent a lot of years going to meditation seminars, reading ancient spiritual texts, and having lots of contemplative austerity time. I think I'm pretty astute at nothing."

The Crow said, "I know, that's the problem."

Off the Path

I took a tour of the White House. I was pretty excited at first. But then I got bored and parted from the group. I wandered around upstairs. I found an empty bedroom and took a nap.

When I woke, the Obama's dog, Bo, was sleeping next to me. His leg's were running in place. It's funny how dogs do that when they dream. But then I had a girlfriend who once told me that I shave while asleep.

Bo woke up and said to me, "Who are you?"

I said, "I'm Brooks."

Bo said, "Can you take me for a walk?"

I'm a sucker for dogs and Bo showed me his leash.

We took a stroll on the White House lawn.

I said, "It's funny how people will practically kill themselves to become President of the United States and live here. But you were basically born cute and the Obama's couldn't resist you and here you are."

Bo said, "Life is a paradox...Can you toss me the ball so I can fetch it?"

I found a squishy ball and threw it far. Bo went nuts and ran after it. Bo bit into the ball and ran back to me.

Sleepy

Today is the fiftieth anniversary of the discovery of the disease of sleep. It's hard to remember back to a time when people were always awake. As a species, we did one thing, then another, followed by another, and so on.

But then fifty years ago, doctors began to see patients who complained about a grogginess that led to unconsciousness. The sleeping person was sometimes considered to be dead and immediately placed underground, which led to many sleepers being buried alive.

As more people began to experience this loss of consciousness, usually around the evening time, various drugs were used to try and reverse the effects of the disease. Coffee was one such cure. The problem was that coffee had to constantly be administered at ever increasing intervals to maintain enough stimulation for wakefulness. This often led to madness, and then sleep.

Once it was discovered that there was no cure for sleep, beds were invented, followed by pajamas, which were basically clothes that one would be too embarrassed to be seen in while awake.

Me and my Tornado

I caught up with a tornado and we went for a walk.

I asked the tornado, "Do you like your job?"

The tornado said, "Yes, it suits me."

I said, "Do you mind the mayhem you create?"

The tornado said, "You can't take a step in this world without causing harm."

I said, "But what if you took gentler steps. Like if you were a strong wind rather than a land-mulching cuisinart?"

The tornado said, "Impossible. We live in a world of constant creation and destruction. The dissolution of one thing creates the birth of the next."

I thought about all the things I've broken, worn out, ate and burnt in my life. I reached over and held the tornado's hand.

Some Wisdom

I asked the snake, "What's the purpose of life?"

The snake said, "To slither."

I said, "That sounds like your purpose."

The snake said, "That's the only one I'm concerned about."

Lincoln's Perspective

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln came by during lunch. Lincoln is amazingly confident. I asked Lincoln how he has such certainty. He said it's due to being on the penny and the five dollar bill. Lincoln has so much charm that I couldn't tell if he was being honest or funny.

I said to Lincoln, "When I look at your life, I feel mine pales in comparison."

Lincoln said, "Everything seems golden when it's in someone else's hands."

I said, "What do you see when you look at my life?"

Lincoln said, "Someone with a barrel of molasses, a spoon, and the whole day ahead of him."

Go to Hell

I died and went to hell. I was stunned because I never believed in hell. It's like Xanadu, Tatooine, or World Peace. An interesting sounding place that's fun to fantasize about.

So, there I was, dead, standing amidst flames. The thing is, I like fire. But it's so much trouble starting a fire. You have to open the chimney shoot, getting sooty hands, followed by frustrating attempts to spark the kindling.

But these were sun-sized flames, ready-to-wear. I basked like a lizard under a heat lamp.

Eventually the Devil showed up. He was furious because I was happy. The Devil turned up the flames and I thanked him. This made the Devil angrier. I said when we focus on what's wrong, that's all we see.

The Devil flicked a lever which shut off all the flames. Things got very cold. I shivered. The Devil laughed at me. But then he got cold and uncomfortable. The Devil gave up and cried. I'm comforted when people who seem to have it all together fall apart. I feel like I have something in common with them.

Visiting Royalty

I went to Egypt and visited the pyramids. They looked like old weathered geometry statues.

I wanted to go inside where I figured it was shinier. I felt along the outside of the pyramid until I found a lever that opened up a door to a secret passageway.

I went in, the door closed behind me, and I was immersed in complete darkness. I used my cell phone as a flashlight. I was enthralled by the jewel-encrusted solid gold hallways. It reminded me of Las Vegas.

I came to a sarcophagus. I thought about how coffins are like clothes for dead people.

I opened the shiny coffin. There was a corpse. Suddenly the corpse yawned and opened its eyes.

The corpse said, "What time is it?"

I said, "I don't know because I can't get phone reception in the pyramid."

The corpse said, "I'm King Djoser. I rule all lands of humankind."

I said, "I'm Brooks. I was class President in my junior year of high school."