LIfe in the Cave

I found my way into a cave. The thing is, caves are completely dark. I hit my head and tripped a lot. The really crappy thing is I got lost. I couldn't find the exit.

A month went by. I lived off of grubs. It wasn't a desirable time.

The plus side was I couldn't see myself, so I forgot I was Brooks. I didn't have a purpose. I was existing.

And then I got a phone call on my iPhone. I could see myself illumined by the phone's light and I remembered me again. The thing is, when you've had a vacation from yourself, the negative feelings wait patiently till you get back. I felt lousy quickly.

I answered the phone. It was from Comcast. They were calling to see what kind of television service I wanted in the cave. I signed up for 500 channels. I never felt better.

Unreasonable

I sat on the dock.

The Sun said, "Why do you look so down?"

I said, "I miss Summer."

The Sun said, "Last Summer you complained it was too hot."

I said, "That's true, but now it's much too chilly."

The Sun said, "Even if there was a thermostat that you could control, you'd still find something to complain about."

I said, "My dog used to tell me the same thing. I told my dog, 'Yes, but you complain about fleas.' My dog said, 'Yes, but that's reasonable. You can put on or take off a coat. I can only scratch myself unceasingly.' I miss my dog."

The Sun said, "He was a good dog."

Oh, God

I was chopping wood in my backyard when the ghost of George Burns stopped by. I told Mr. Burns that he was funny in Oh, God! He thanked me.

George Burns said it turns out that even after you're dead, you appreciate appreciation. I said that's too bad because I was hoping that when I died I'd finally stop looking for approval from others.

Mr. Burns thought that was funny. Unfortunately it made me feel good.

A Little Difficult

I went out for a hike in the woods. After about a mile, I came upon a bear. The bear said, “I think I’m going to have you for lunch.” I said, “Well, I am delicious.”

I was eaten but not absorbed by the bear. I passed right through. I think I’m hard to digest.

How I Got My Start

When I was three, my parent’s owned a bar called The Are You Kidding Me. I used to check IDs at the door. My parents said it would teach me responsibility.

At the time I loved making up stories, but my parents, being parents didn’t want to listen to me talk. So when I got into storyteller mode, my parents would put me up on stage and I would tell my stories to strangers, just like I do with this blog.

That stage is also where I learned dexterity because I would have to dodge beer bottles.

Fame

President Woodrow Wilson's ghost visited me at the library today. I recognized him because my dad is the president of the Woodrow Wilson fan club. I grew up with Wilson's photos around the house. My dad used to say, "If we can't honor Woodrow Wilson, then something's wrong." I would've challenged my dad, but he'd would cut off my allowance whenever I'd say no, and I had a candy addiction to support.

President Woodrow Wilson sat down at my table and said, "I'm sorry about your dad. I hope it helps when I say that it even embarrasses me. My entire philosophy was, "Show up, do your job, and leave." Accolade addiction and praise-mongering weaken your deeds."

I said, "I had a dog named Jamaica. He got cast as the Alpo dog. I spent my days driving Jamaica around to commercial shoots, publicity junkets, and appearances at dog shows. Jamaica thought I was just driving him around to take walks in strange and new places."

President Woodrow Wilson said, "That's a mutt after my own heart."

Friendly Stranger

I was lying in bed in my hotel room window when I heard, "Hello!" I looked around till I saw an ant waving to me on my comforter.

I said, "Hi."

The ant said, "Where are you from?"

I said, "Chicago. Where did you learn to speak English?"

The ant said, "From the TV in this room. I'm a quick study."

I said, "Well, it's nice to have someone to talk with."

The ant said, "Tell me about it."

Sly

I was walking through the desert and came upon a snowman.

I said, "How come you're not melting?"

The snowman said, "I'm made of dry ice."

I said, "That's too bad. I've run out of water and I'm very dehydrated."

The snowman said, "I'm sorry, I can't be of assistance."

I noticed a drop of water fall from the snowman's head. I realized the snowman was lying. I understood. Self-preservation is a powerful motivator.

Dammit, I'm on Mars!

I'm on Mars and I'm angry because I had other things I needed to do. There's the laundry. I'm behind in my TV watching. I haven't made my bed in weeks.

But, lo and behold and oh-well, I space-time traveled to Mars. The really interesting thing is there are other people here. It's 2045 and most of the people that used to live on the Earth, now live on Mars.

Traveling to Mars is as cheap as a plane flight from Denver to New York City. And people are always looking for something new to do.

Oh, you don't need spacesuits because there's plenty of oxygen in the air. I think people from NASA, the majority of my blog post readers, will make the most of this. I'll save the space industry millions of dollars!

Trying to Make Good

Today I ran into a rattlesnake. I jumped and shrieked. So did the snake. I apologized for disturbing the snake. The snake accepted my apology.

To make up for my malfeasance, I took the snake to see the movie Scream 4. This turned out not to be a good idea because the snake hadn't seen the first four Screams. I spent most of my time explaining what what happening on screen.

Someone came up to us during the movie and asked us to stop talking. They saw the rattlesnake and quickly left us alone. I was glad because that was one less apology for me to make.

Love Spawns in the Hot Desert Sun

I was hiking through the Joshua Tree desert when I came upon a cactus couple. I love seeing couples. They remind me that there's much more to life than brooding over problems in my mind.

I asked them how they met. The portly red cactus said that he was visiting the Mojave Desert in consideration of a move from the Trenton New Jersey Botanical Gardens, when he saw a, "Shaply sexy spiney Goddess" basking in the hot California sun. He said, "Oo-la-la-la-la!" The slender green cactus winked, preened her spikes, and it was all over.

The Desert Works Its Wonders

I spent the day under the hot desert sun. I got lost and became delirious.

I hallucinated former President Ronald Regan. Regan came up to me and said, "I want you to run for President of the United States." Regan is charismatic and persuasive, so I said, "Okay." I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Bad Situation Turns Good

All the hotels in Joshua Tree were full. So I had to get a room at the pet motel. It was hard because I had to stay in a locked cage all night. But my water bowl was always full, I was given plenty of snacks, and I was taken for three walks!

At Least He Tried

I went for another night hike. This time in Flagstaff. I merged with a pack of coyotes. They were out looking for dinner. I don't like being alone, so I went along with them.

The coyotes followed the scent of a fox. They yelped and ran in the fox's direction.

The coyotes cornered the fox. The fox suddenly stood on its hind legs and said, "What if instead I were to cook you a delicious meal back at my lair?"

The coyotes didn't want any part of the diversion. But I said, "Look, what's the point of life if we don't stop what we've been doing and try something new?" I think because I was an outsider and was tall, they considered what I had to say and agreed.

We all went to the fox's home. The fox added things to a big pot and lit a fire underneath. After an hour, the fox served all the coyotes and myself a bowl of his concoction. It was horrible and we ate the fox.

Armadillo

I went out for a late walk in the desert. I came upon an armadillo sitting on a rock eating some beef jerky. We exchanged hellos.

We sat together quietly for a while. I like armadillos. I'm just not sure what to say to them.

It's Only Rock and Roll

There was a blip. Suddenly Mick Jagger had never become famous.

As a teen, Mick did met Keith Richards. They talked about music. But then they went their separate ways and never spoke again.

Mick auditioned for various bands but was never hired. Though he did get up on stage once and sing a drunken La Bamba with a band for his friend Chalmer's wedding.

Jagger wrote some songs which were never recorded or sung in public. One was called Cheshire Cat. It went like this:

Cheshire Cat,
What a grin,
I can't imagine
what you're thinking

Mick Jagger is now 67. He's retired from his job as a train engineer. Mick has some health issues from shoveling and inhaling coal dust.

Deep down within Mick Jagger is the tiniest spark of a desire to be a singer in a popular band. He believes it's still possible.

Mick summons his courage and auditions for, "Yes, You Too Can Be a Star!" at the local community center. Mick is stunned to make it to the final round. The audience is behind him because he's old, bald and awkward. Mick sings, "We Got the Beat" and wins third place.

Mick goes home, places his trophy on the mantle. He sits down and admires what he's done. Mick turns on the TV. He falls asleep and dreams of his old friend Keith. They strum guitars and sing lullabies to new born babies.

One Way or Another

I went outside and was greeted by an amazing rainbow that said, "Ta-dah!."

I said, "Wow, thanks!"

The rainbow said, "That will be $100."

I said, "What? I appreciate you're being here, but it's not like I ordered you."

The rainbow said, "Pay up or I'll collect it from you myself."

I said, "Seriously, I'm not paying."

The rainbow turned into a cloud and a lightening bolt came forth and struck the ground in front of me.

I said, "Do you take credit cards?"

The Support of Nature

I was walking through a redwood forest when one of the redwood trees said, "Hey, get over here!"

I always come when something that can squash me calls.

I said, "Yes, sir?"

The tree said, "It's Mamma!!"

I said, "I'm sorry."

The tree said, "Stop apologizing. It belittles you."

That's true. It's been scientifically proven that I shrink when trying to make amends.

The tree said, "It's embarrassing watching you try and make a life for yourself in the city. You need to live in a tent next to me."

What Else Would You Expect

I was out walking in Golden Gate park when I found a hole in the ground. It was just big enough for me to slide through. I followed the hole down thirty feet till I came to a cave.

I called out, "Hello," which roundly echoed for a minute. Hello is a nullifier in a potentially dangerous situation. But a benign one. Kind of like putting your hands in front of your face when being approached by an oncoming train.

I think I thought there would be ghosts of cave men, or perhaps an espoused dragon in the midst. But lo and behold there was none but a mighty cricket.

I said, "Oh, it's only you."

The cricket said, "Your non-chalance is a shaky and timid barrier for your proclivity towards loneliness. At least do me the honor of a show of your personal bereavement."

I cried and said, "Yes, it's true."

I'm continually astounded at the intuitional know-it-allness of insects.

Be aware of your furniture. Notice that none of them have teeth. Without teeth how can they bite you?

Norway

It turns out I own Norway. My grandfather died and I inherited a box of his stuff and inside the box I found the deed to Norway.

I flew to Norway to see what I'd received. It wasn't much different from life in America. There were people, land, buildings, dogs and trees.

The people of Norway spoke a different language. That made things interesting. I tried guessing what people said to me. But since they didn't speak English, I didn't know if I was right.

I ended up having to hire an interpreter. I then went to the President of Norway and showed him the deed. He congratulated me. Then he told me that Norway is two billion euro's in debt, and that this was now my debt.

I was angry. How could something so promising turn into a turd? And then I remembered something my Grandfather once told me. "There's no such thing as a one sided coin."

To make things right, I got a job as a dishwasher at a diner in Oslo. I'm hoping this leads to a manager's position. That will make it easier to save money towards my debt. In the meanwhile, I'm getting free health care!

Heaven

I died and ended up in Heaven. I was angry because it was another place. When I was alive, I was in places. Why the differentiation?

I wandered around Heaven, angry. People would smile and say hi and I ignored them.

The thing is, it's hard to maintain anger. If you do, it becomes pretend anger, which is actually funny.

So I trailed off into acceptance and joined a choir. I spent my days singing hymns, which was basically a job. However in Heaven, you don't get paid for your efforts. Someone there told me it covered room and board. But in Heaven, no one eats or sleeps. So I'm not sure what they meant.

Remembering the First Day

I'm in San Francisco. It's where I was born. I went to the hospital and the room where I was delivered. I remembered the florescent lights on the ceiling being the first things I'd seen. My baby mind thought they were two long bright and shiny intelligent beings. I tried communicating with them. But then lumbering, moving bulks of mushy terrain kept distracting me. It's been that way since.