A Night at the Theater

I felt time fade and crackle as I slipped from this moment in time and found myself sitting behind a couple at the theater. They were seated up in a secluded balcony. I leaned forward and noticed I was behind President Abraham Lincoln. I was excited because I like to see plays.

One of the actors on the stage said, "Don't know the manners of good society, eh? Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal; you sockdologizing old man-trap!" I thought about how words have a life span and then die just like people. Some words last centuries. And then there's sockdologizing.

Just then a man came through the entrance to the balcony. I noticed that he was John Wilkes Booth. I got Cs and Ds in history. But that's because I had to write answers to questions on tests. If they showed photos of people instead, I could have said who they were and what they did, and gotten As. This made me angry at my schooling and I decided to change history and I tackled John Wilkes Booth.

President Lincoln turned around and saw what I had done and thanked me. John Wilkes Booth was arrested and taken away.

After all the hullabaloo settled down, President Lincoln took me aside and asked me what I had been doing in his private booth. I told Lincoln about my odd quirk of spontaneous time-travel. He believed me. When you're President, you see all kinds of crazy shit, and it leaves you open-minded.

Body Work

I have a part-time job at the Crematorium. I think I got the job because I listed on my resume that one of my hobbies is enjoying burning logs in my fireplace.

I like my job. The people that I have to deal with are easy to get along with because they are dead.

There wasn't much training for this job. I was given a one page instruction sheet which says,"Put the dead body onto a metal tray. Flick the on switch. Make sure the body doesn't fall off as it slides on the tray into the cremation oven. Wait five minutes and turn off the switch. Sweep the ash into an urn. Smile."

While working yesterday, I thought about how unimportant we are when we're dead. It's kind of like we become yesterday's newspapers. Yesterday we got a lot of attention. Today we go into the recycling bin.

A Cent

I was counting out change to feed the parking meter when I turned into a copper one-cent piece. I fell onto the ground. I felt helpless because I was no longer me with hands and other assets. I was just this penny on the ground.

I started to panic. "How can I reverse this?" "What if I stay a penny for the rest of my life?" "No one cares about pennies!!"

But then the sunlight hit me. I was warmed. Plus I shined. Suddenly I felt valuable. I remembered that I have the backing of the Federal Reserve and the U.S. Mint behind me. I actually do mean something.

But then someone stepped on me and I sunk into the mud. I was underground.

A worm introduced itself and said it takes a while to get used to being underground. And then the worm pointed out that copper originally came from the earth, so it's kind of like I was coming home.

As a Snowman

I was out walking and got lost in a snowstorm. Eventually I was snow covered. I froze and went into hibernation. It's something I've never done before. It's like when you get a computer and you don't use half the programs, but then one day you get a new need, and lo and behold, you find the program in your hard drive.

While in hibernation, I dreamnt non-stop. Months went by. Eventually I got so used to dreaming that I believed it was my real life.

Then came the Spring thaw. I woke up to snow melting down my body. It was such a bizarre situation from what I was used to that I figured it was a dream.

A woman came walking by and saw me and ran up and hugged me, saying, "Oh my God, I thought you were dead." She brushed the rest of the snow off of me. I didn't know who she was. She said she was my wife. I had an inkling she was right, but my memories were still blank. I think she figured being frozen made me forget, so she didn't get angry at me.

Seasoning

It's been cold in Chicago with no signs of Spring. I got impatient and called Spring.

I said, "What the hell is going on? Why aren't you here?"

Spring said, "I don't feel like coming."

I said, "What? I don't think you have that option."

Spring said, "I have it as much as you."

I said, "Well, why don't you want to come?"

Spring said, "I'm thinking of going back to school and getting a degree in architecture."

I said, "What if you came to Chicago and got the degree at Northwestern. That way I could be warm and you could get your degree."

Spring said, "No. I want to study at Tufts. They have the best program."

I gave up and booked a one-way flight to Uganda. It's on the equator.

Usurped by the Funnies

This morning I had an encounter with the ghost of Dick Tracy.

I said, "How is it possible for a cartoon character to be a ghost?"

Dick Tracy said, "That's easy. I'm no longer syndicated in newspapers. That's how a cartoon character dies."

I said, "But you're just ink."

Dick Tracy said, "And you're just protoplasm."

Prayed On

I was stuck in traffic. No one was moving. I had to pee. I thought I could hold out. But then I didn't think so. I decided to pray.

I closed my eyes and palmed my hands over my heart. I'd never prayed before. I saw praying in a movie recently. It was called, "Charyl's Revenge." It was about a woman whose husband left her. She's despondent and prays. She ends up winning the lottery and takes some of the money and pays a hit-man to have her husband killed.

I thought, "Dear God. Hi. Look, I have to pee. Traffic's not moving. I don't want to pee in my car. Seriously."

I stopped praying and waited. The cars still weren't moving. I thought, "Oh, no."

But then I looked out my window and saw a truck carrying port-o-pottys right next to me. I looked up at the sky and said, "Thanks, God." I got out of my car, snuck into a port-o-potty and did my business. I was relieved. But then the truck started moving.

After a few hours, the truck parked. I got out. I was in the middle of a yard of thousands of port-o-pottys. It was dark. A guard dog bared its teeth at me. It started to rain. I should have known that something in a movie wasn't actually real.

Onward to Mercury!

I took my rocket ship to Mercury this morning. It didn't take long. It turns out once you leave Earth's atmosphere, you can get places in an hour or less. Our atmosphere is thick with old spoken words and thoughts and body odor. But space is clean and thus, rapid.

I got out of my rocket ship and walked around. I look for ways to get exercise. For instance, when I go to the grocery store, I park at the far end of the parking lot so I can get in some walking.

I walked on Mercury till I came to a house. I knocked. A Mercurian answered the door.

The Mercurian said, "What?!"

Do you know how it is when you bite into something and it tastes bad? Or better yet, do you know how it is when you meet someone, and you can tell they are agitated about something, and you don't feel like finding out?

I said, "I think I must have the wrong address."

Fearly

I couldn't take a bath because of the whirlpool. It was vast and deep. My boats and rubber duck went down fast and didn't resurface. I was scared to pull the plug. I closed the shower curtain and tried to forget about it.

Two weeks went by. It was hard to ignore the whirlpool because it made a loud slurping sound. I tried playing AC/DC loudly. But nothing drowns out angry water.

I decided to jump into the whirlpool. I'd been reading a book by Joel Timberton called, "Fear? Okay, Yeah Sure, But Still." Timberton feels that fear is such a terrible feeling to live with, that it's easier on us to stop avoiding what scares us and enter the fearful situation, and if it does happen to kill us, well, at least we are no longer feeling the fear.

Cermonial Call

This morning I got my 50th birthday call from President Obama. It was awkward because I knew it was coming and I was nervous. And I could tell he was tired and stressed from having to make many of these calls.

I stupidly said, "Hey, who's going to call you when you turn 50?"

He funnily said, "Maybe I'll quit the day before, just so I can get my 50th birthday call."

I figure you have to be quick on your feet to be President. I think I would blow it a lot. Bombs would be headed towards the USA and I would get overwhelmed and say, "I feel like some bologna."

Recently

I recently got a Pterodactyl which I named Jeevers. I take Jeevers for daily walks.

Sometimes she flies and I trail behind her, waving in the wind as I hang onto the leash. I look like a kite.

Desperate

I was talking with the mouse that lives in the hole in my wall.

I said, "You know, sometimes life doesn't give me what I want and I get frustrated."

The mouse said, "Seriously, you're looking for advice from a mouse?"

Thank You for Being a Friend

I have a pet dandelion. It sits in a pot and I take it with me where ever I go.

Someone asked me, "How come you carry around a weed?" I said,"One man's weed is another man's pet dandelion."

When Things Work Out

Sometimes life has a way of working out like I want. For instance, yesterday I was falling from a plane. It wasn't intentional. I was waiting in line to use the plane's restroom and I leaned against the exit door and I guess it hadn't been closed all the way, and I fell out of the plane.

I thought, "I don't want to hit the ground and die." But then that thought was replaced by the amazement at the vast amount of space around me. There's nothing in the sky but sky. Sure, there are clouds, but you can't see them when they are close.

I started singing. I know I'm happy when I sing. I sang Double Life by the Cars. "Lift me from the wondermaze, alienation is the craze....It's all gonna happen to you, oooh-ooooh, yeah."

Suddenly the plane I fell from, whooshed by. There was a human chain of passengers hanging out the doorway. The person at the end beckoned me to reach out and take her hand. I grabbed her hand. The human chain pulled back into the plane. Soon I was inside and safe. The flight attendant locked the door behind me.

As a conciliatory gesture, the flight attendant gave me a voucher for a free flight in the future. I haven't decided yet where to go.

Worried

I worry about things. Here's a list of what I'm worried about today:

1. Dirt is a living thing and gets angry at me every time I step on the ground.

2. God's powerful and He uses His might and makes me think He doesn't exist, and then He gets angry at me for being an atheist.

3. My name is not actually Brooks, and everyone knows this, but they're afraid to tell me because I'll be embarrassed when I find out my real name is Hiram Eyeglass.

4. There's a hole in my pants and people can see my underwear and it's hard to like someone after you've seen their underwear.

Walk-About Part Two

While I was out in the desert on my Walk-About, I came upon a lizard.

I said, "Lizard, would you like to come and stay with me? I'll build you a nice terrarium and feed you plenty of crickets."

The Lizard said, "I appreciate the offer. It's hard to say no to a terrarium. But I'm not good with walls."

I said, "I feel the same way. But I don't think I'd do well living out in the open like this. I'm sure I would become some creature's food."

The Lizard said, "I'm certain I'll one day be someone's lunch. But until then, this is nice."

I thought, "This is a sign from the Universe. I'm going to live in the outdoors and become a whole man. Finally, the answer is here."

That night I lay down on the desert floor to sleep. I felt invincible. I used a rock for a pillow and was asleep in seconds.

I woke up that night to the sound of chewing. I shined my iPhone light towards the sound. A coyote was trying to eat through my boot.

I said, "I would appreciate you stopping."

The Coyote said, "I could do that, but once you sleep, my nature will make me eat your foot."

I thanked the coyote for his honesty. I got up and walked back to my car.

Salad Symphony

The ghost of Ludwig Van Beethoven joined me in my garden this morning. It turns out Beethoven knows a lot about carrots. He told me he grew an all carrot farm in his backyard in Berlin.

Beethoven said, "At one point I must have had five-thousand carrots growing in my little cul de sac. I loved carrots. I couldn't eat enough of them. The thing is, there was this rabbit who felt the same way about my carrots. So I had to build this fence that was basically a dome over my carrot farm."

"But in the end it broke my heart to look out my window and see the rabbit standing outside the elaborate fence with longing and tears in his eyes. My need to share was greater than my need to hoard. I tore down the fence and we both feasted."

Walk-About

I felt sad. But there was no reason.

My dog Rexy said, "How about a walk-about?"

I said, "Really, do you have to go again?"

Rexy said, "No, it's where you walk in the desert with no destination. It clears your mind and opens you up to insightful visions."

I said okay and set out on my walk-about. I walked for about three hours when I came upon an iguana. I nodded. The iguana winked.

I said, "I'm just looking for insights."

The iguana said, "About another mile north."

I thanked the iguana and moved on.

I walked north till my foot pedometer said one mile. I stood and looked around. There was nothing but a cactus.

I said to the cactus, "How goes it?"

The cactus said, "Not much. Just another day. And you?"

I said, "Lately I've been sad for no reason."

The cactus said, "A reason is as useful as a name plate next to a painting."

I said, "Are you saying the name plate helps or detracts?"

The cactus got angry and said, "I thought it was clear that the name plate is unnecessary."

I said, "I'm sorry...But isn't the name plate necessary to help you know who painted the work and what he or she was hoping to convey?"

The cactus said, "No, you're taking the pointer in the wrong direction. What I was saying is that the painting in and off itself is enough. To look for more, for a reason, will bring disappointment."

I thought that the cactus was irritable because it needed to be watered. I dumped the remaining contents of my water bottle on its roots.

A colorful yellow flower sprouted from the cactus. This made me happy and erased my sadness. I walked back home.

A Love Story

I fell in love with an iceberg. It's one of those huge ones floating in the Arctic Sea. I was on a sea cruise off the coast of Alaska when I spotted the iceberg. At first I thought it was the effects of the pastrami sandwich I had for lunch. It was spicy and kind of tasted old.

But when I jumped off the ship and swam like crazy towards the iceberg, I knew that it was love. The people on the boat cheered me on.

The thing is, I'm not a good swimmer. After thirty seconds I stopped and tread water. Then I started to drown. I felt like an idiot.

It was then I noticed the iceberg coming towards me. It looked like an entire city was on the move. I started to cry. Luckily people were too distracted by the traveling iceberg to notice.

Change is Good

I took a walk through the graveyard.

A tree waved its branch at me and said, "Howdy, stranger."

I said, "Hi. Are you scared living in a graveyard?"

The tree said, "No, everything breaks down into mineral components and is food for me."

I said, "Yes, change is good. This morning I was reading a book which is re-designated tree pulp."

The tree said, "In the end, you'll be my lunch, or I'll be your next book."

Chemical Adjustment

I couldn't find a place to relax in Seattle. So I rented a boat and rowed out to the middle of Puget Sound.

I started to feel better. Then an otter poked its head out of the water and said, "So, this your first time to Seattle?"

I was startled and irritated and tried to be kind. I said, "No, I was here last year."

I think the otter got it that I was feeling rough. He went back down under the water.

The otter came up a minute later with a fish in its mouth, threw it on the boat and said, "A gift for you."

The thing is, I was kind of hungry. I got it that I couldn't relax because of low blood sugar. I ate the fish and felt much better.

The Leash of Nature

I wasn't feeling well. My dog Rexy said, "But you're not sick."

I said, "You're wrong."

I went to the doctor. They ran a battery of tests. The doctor said, "You're not sick."

I went home. My dog Rexy said, "What did I tell you?"

I was angry and ended up feeding Rexy dry food all week instead of her favorite caned Ken-L-Ration Liver and Kidney Bonanza.

I secretly read Rexy's diary. Rexy wrote, "That fool, Brooks. When will he ever listen to me? Or when will I stop trying to change him? Alas, none of us can help but fetch the tossed stick."

Today Over Time

I snap-crackled-popped back in time to just before the Big Bang. I've never gone that far back. At first there was nothing. It wasn't a nothing I was aware of. It was similar to the feeling of being under anesthesia where you only remember what comes after it.

The Big Bang was not firecrackery. It was, "Oh, there it is." It reminded me of starting the car without turning on the ignition. I was a little let down. But I kind of am about everything and quickly get over it.

Then I time crackled to my birth. My baby me popped out, got spanked and said, "What the?" Everyone said in unison, "He said his first words!" My now eyes connected with my baby's eyes. I said, "Enjoy it. Pretty soon they're going to tell you to shut up."

Then I s.n.p. to tomorrow. Oh, my my my. I didn't see that coming. I win the Nobel Prize in Mathematics for a math test I took when I was in 6th grade where I got every question wrong and was sent back to the 5th grade. It turns out I was right visionistically, but just not yet.

As a result of my award, I get a chair at the prestigious Hoffbrau University of Science where I am quickly told that I'm wrong again.