When All Else Fails

I bought a race horse and went to the Philharmonica Downs this weekend to run Daisy Chain, for her first race. But Daisy Chain got nervous and refused to get in the racing start gate. I had no choice but to run in her place.

I gave it my all, but within a few seconds I was in last place. Pretty soon the rest of the horses were dots on the horizon. I stopped and started coughing. I had pneumonia last month and I'm not back to Brooks par levels.

But then I heard the crowd cheer me on. People love rooting for the underdog. "Go Brooks Go!!" I swear my heart swelled to twice its size, horse levels, and I sprinted like a lightening bolt.

I caught up to the horses. Soon I was second to last. I got another burst of adrenalin and passed the next horse. I made sure to look each horse in the eye as I caught up to it. Horses freak out when humans give the stare down.

Quickly it was me and Kentucky Kitchen neck and neck in the final stretch. Kentucky Kitchen wouldn't look at me so I had to rely on 50 yard dash skills I learned when I was a kid at Rolling Valley Elementary, which is basically skipping and singing. It's humiliating, but increases your speed triple fold.

I won. I was lead to the winner's circle and a wreath was placed around my neck. I won a year's supply of Kennel Ration Horse chow, and received large offers to be put out to stud.

Flying Friendly

I got a job as a pilot for American Airlines. It doesn't pay well, $10.45 an hour, but I get to travel. Plus I like looking out the windshield and just seeing clouds.

There are so many dials, gauges, and flashing lights on the dashboard and they only serve to confuse me. Basically I learned and get by on what gives the plane gas, how to steer, and what I need to do to apply the breaks.

I like being called a captain. I even get to wear a captain's hat with shiny wings on the front. I opened a bank account yesterday and wrote my name on the form as Captain Brooks Palmer. The bank employee who looked at my form raised an eyebrow. It's good to have prestige.

On this morning's flight to Orlando, I got on the mic and said to the passengers, "This is Captain Palmer. If you look out the window to the left, you'll see a school of mallards flying south. They look kind of tired. I'm going to open the door and let them in for a ride."

I left the cabin and opened the plane's door. I had to hold on tight as to not get sucked out. I shouted and waved at the ducks. They looked over. I waved them in. The ducks rode with us to Orlando. When we arrived, the ducks thanked me. That made me feel good.

New Way Around

I got rid of my car and replaced it with a donkey. It takes longer to get places, but I make sure to leave earlier. I no longer have to buy gasoline. Instead I buy a big bag of carrots for fuel.

Sometimes cars honk at me as they roar by. But I think people are angry that they are in a car. Cars are filled with stale air and there's a risk of great injury if you are in an accident. My donkey sometimes farts, but since I'm outdoors it's minimal.

My donkey's name is Exquivel-X. I pet his head while I ride. This insures that I'm in a good state of mind when I arrive at my destination.

So It Goes

I climbed the Brahman mountains in north India for six hours till I reached the mountain top. Exhausted, I walked into the cave of my Guru.

My Guru said, "Yes, Brooks, what is it now?"

I said, "My life was going a particular way that I liked. Now it's going a way that I don't like. I'm frustrated and want to give up."

My Guru was eating from a box of Count Chocula cereal.

My Guru said, "I used to eat eggs benedict every morning for twelve years. But then my doctor said my cholesterol levels were too high. My doctor recommended cereal. I picked this one because the box made me happy."

The Easier Solution

This morning I went out to take a dip in the fountain of youth in my backyard and was surprised to see a cow, giraffe, and whale sitting in it. They were laughing, smoking cigars, and splashing each other.

I got angry and yelled at them to get out of the fountain of youth. They invited me in. That sounded easier than the yelling, because even if the whale left, out of guilt I would have ended up giving it a ride to the lake and I'm certain it would have busted the shocks on my car.

Toga! Toga! Toga!

This morning I was awoken by the ghost of the Roman philosopher, Cicero. He was wearing a toga. Ever since I saw Animal House, it's hard for me to take someone in a toga seriously. "Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!"

Cicero said, "Why are you saying, Toga, Toga, Toga?"

I brought Cicero downstairs and we watched Animal House on DVD. When they got to the scene where fraternity brothers decide to have a toga party, Cicero got it and suggested we have a toga party.

I called some friends and told them to come over and bring their togas.

Soon the toga party was in full swing. No one noticed Cicero as Cicero because they are not as astute in history as me, plus he was in a toga, and he kind of looks like a plumber, plus they were drunk. Oh, for our toga parties, we don't drink beer, we drink Kombucha. It's a fermented mushroom drink. My girlfriend turned me onto it. I don't drink beer because I'm allergic to hops.

Traveling in Denmark

This morning I woke up in Skagen's Point, the northernmost tip of Denmark. I'm on a book tour for "Clutter Busting: Letting Go of What's Holding You Back." Each day I travel to a different city in Denmark and that night I give a talk and sign books at a local book store.

I don't speak Danish, so I've been traveling with a translator. The translator, Anders Fogh Rasmussen, doesn't drive, so I've been doing all the driving. It's a fair exchange.

Anders used to be the prime minister of Denmark from November 2001 to April 2009. I asked Anders if it was a difficult adjustment to go from being prime minister to being a translator. Anders said, in the same way I didn't capitalize prime minister, there are no high or low positions in Denmark.

I said we're the opposite in the USA. In 1909 when Teddy Roosevelt left the office of the President of the United States and got a job bailing hay, he was stoned to death by outraged citizenry.

Lost in Time

I found myself traveling back in time to a small village in the harsh desert. I looked around and saw that the clothes people wore looked like the costumes from the movie The Ten Commandments. It's hard to know at what point in time I was in because I think those garments were all people wore from the year 7000 BC to 1100 AD.

I asked a young beggar what year it was. He said he didn't know. Then he asked me to pay him for the information. I said he didn't give me an answer. He said, "I did. I said I didn't know." The beggar persisted. To freak him out, I gave him a dollar bill. Because it was colorful, he ate it.

I asked the beggar his name. He said Moses. It's amazing how down and out some famous people were before they hit the big time.

It's Hard to Make Everyone Happy

Every once in a while I take my skeleton out of my body and clean it. I use tooth brushes, sponges and dish detergent. I rub and scrub until the bones shine white. Then I let the bones dry in the sunlight. Then I put my skeleton back in my body. I feel more flexible and energized.

I wrote a book about self-skeleton cleaning. Actually it's more of a pamphlet. It's called Self-Skeleton Cleaning. It's an e-book. I've sold over 775 copies. Occasionally I get an email from someone who read my book. Most are complimentary.

But one person derided me because they left their skeleton out to dry in the sunlight and some dogs came upon the bones and ran off with them. This person had to buy a skeleton from a science catalog. The skeleton belonged to a once living person who was much bigger then him. As a result the individual writing me could no longer fit into any of his clothes. He had to buy a new wardrobe.

Lunch with the Moon

I was having lunch with the Moon. The Moon said it prefers orbiting the Earth rather than visiting because it's quieter. I agreed that it's a noisy planet. I also said that we're part culprits because our talking adds to the hum. The Moon excused itself, got up and left. It's a sensitive planet.

A Birthday Surprise

This morning was my girlfriend's birthday. She's been going on and on for weeks about wanting a rhino. She'd show me photos of rhinos and say, "Aren't they the cutest things?" Then she tore up all the tiles in her basement and replaced them with sod.

So this morning I led her down to her basement and showed her Rosie, her new rhino. Rosie was eating the newly fresh grass and looked up at us. My girlfriend jumped up and down in joy. She kept saying, "How did you know, how did you know?"

Rosie must have been startled by my girlfriend's vitality and charged us. We ran away pretty fast. Rosie just missed us and smashed into the wall. Luckily I had covered all the walls with mattresses.

We got to the stairs and I closed the iron gate behind us. Rosie charged and crashed into the gate. It dented a little, but held up. I bought the gate at Home Depot. The salesperson said it would be strong enough for a rhino charge.

My girlfriend reached through the gate and patted the rhino's horn. I was scared for her. But then the rhino calmed down and started to purr. I thought cats were the only animals who did that.

Uncomfortable with Change

I became a drop of water. I didn't know how this happened. I don't do drugs. I wasn't drunk. I have a good imagination, but I'm not the type to daydream. So there I was, a drop of water, dripping out of my kitchen sink.

I dropped and landed in the drain. I acclimate pretty fast, so I accepted the change and enjoyed the ride down the drain pipe. Soon I was in the sewers. I was no longer just a drop, but part of a stream of water.

I was flowed out into to the lake where I was pushed around as a wave and passed through by fish. And then I got overwhelmed by all the recent changes and I sort of just stopped.

A water molecule bumped into me.

The water molecule said, "Hey, what the frig is going on?"

I said, "I'm not supposed to be here."

The water molecule said, "There's no supposed to's. Just go!"

I said, "No really, I'm not water, I'm a human. There's been a glitch."

The water molecule got frustrated and said, "You're having a tantrum because your outrageously assumed outcome didn't coalesce into this."

I said, "It's not outrageous. My experience defies reality."

The water molecule said, "A reality you were used to. Our conditioning is constantly in flux thus rendering any viewpoint unstable."

It was then I turned back into human Brooks. I tread water to stay afloat. The water molecule balanced on my nose.

The water molecule said, "Oh, shit. This is too much for me," and slid off my nose.

Basic

My dog Rexy said, "Seriously, Duder, I need to go for a walk!"

I love the urgency of dogs. There's no reflection. Deep down, reflection is about as useful as windshield wipers on a turtle.

Visiting Doors

I was laying in bed, considering whether or not to go to work, when I heard the popping and crackling sounds that accompany one of my spontaneous time travel trips. My bedroom vanished into a blend of florescent clouds and miles of sun colored roots.

I landed hard onto a floor. I looked around and saw that I was in a recording studio. There was a band in the midst of a jam. It was the Doors. They were performing Riders on the Storm. I think it's a good song. But I've never listened to it all the way through. I'm kind of that way with all Doors songs. It's pretty rare that anything in life is good and interesting.

The band noticed me. They kept playing. I think it's the drugs. They thought I was part of their trip.

When the Doors finished, the guitarist Robby Krieger, came over to talk with me.

Robby said, "Hey, man, who are you?"

I said, "I'm Brooks. I'm from the future."

Robby said, "Groovy! What happens?"

I said, "Lots of things. Kind of like lots of things are happening now."

Robby said, "I can dig that. Ah, hey, what happens to my band?"

I said, "This is your last album because your singer is gonna die."

Robby looked troubled. He went over to Jim Morrison, the lead singer, and whispered something to him. Jim looked over at me. I nodded.

Jim said, "Great!"

This was 1970. I remembered that back then I was nine. I was a candy addict and was always in a sugar haze. Everyone was drunk on something. My friend Dale used to drink so much Tang that he'd slur his words. His parents never noticed because they were high on beer. This leveled the playing field. When everyone's buzzed, no one's buzzed.

Poetic Encounter

I went for a walk by the frozen Lake Michigan this afternoon and encountered the ghost of Lord Byron. Byron was wearing just a silk puffy sleeved white shirt and a pair of gabardine slacks.

I said, "You are lucky to be so unaffected by the weather."

Lord Byron said, "I would give it all up to be affected by the weather.

I said, "I'm thinking of moving to the Bahamas in an effort to keep warm."

Lord Byron said, "Yes, but when one problem is erased, another raises its head. Our lives are spent in the endless playing of whack-a-mole."

I said, "Still, I can't help to try and make myself comfortable."

Lord Byron said, "You'll do what you must. While entwisted with your mortal coil, all seems important...and in the end you're revealed to be lost in the headlights of the divine hypnosis."

I said, "It's hard to talk with you. You refute everything I say with your poetic musings."

Lord Byron said, "I can't help what I do. I'm assembled as a poet. I'm a factory that only produces heightened insights."

I said, "I understand. I seem built to have strange experiences."

Lord Byron winked and said, "We are all accomplished at one thing. Without it we are reduced to protoplasm."

Just then the earth cracked open and Satan poked out his head. Satan said, "Would you like to join me for a late lunch? I've cooked up a delicious lobster fricassee."

I said, "Sure."

Rexy and I at the Super Bowl

I went to the Super Bowl. I had pretty nice seats on the fifty yard line. I went with my dog Rexy. The thing is, Rexy doesn't care for the Super Bowl. Rexy was interested in the football. She loves to play catch.

I have never use a leash with Rexy. I think it's cruel to force a dog by the neck to go where I want. So when Rexy ran down the stairs and out onto the field in pursuit of the football, there was nothing I could do about it.

Rexy caught the football, that had been thrown by the Steeler's quarterback, with her teeth and ran down the field. The refs and players ran after her. It's not their fault that they didn't know this makes Rexy run faster. Rexy made it to one end-zone, then she ran the distance of the field to the other end-zone. The crowd went nuts. Then Rexy ran up the stairs with the football back to her seat next to me.

The refs ran up the stairs, but the fans stopped them, and they were forced to retreat.

I checked out the football. It was heavily scratched by Rexy's teeth marks. But the football stayed inflated. I think it must be made with high-quality leather.

Matter of Factly

I went down a gopher hole. I soon ran into the gopher.

The gopher said, "What do you want?"

I said, "I was just curious about where you live."

The gopher said, "There's not much to see. It's really just a long hole I dug in the ground."

I said, "I'm amazed that you dug it."

The gopher said, "I have a lot of time."

I said, "If I only had one thing to do, I would do amazing things."

The gopher said, "You're philosophizing greatness into something that's matter of fact."

I glumly said, "You're right."

The gopher said, "But what can you do, it's your nature."

I love the gopher.

Sun Shined

My lungs weren't feeling well. So I took them out and set them in the sunlight. I couldn't do anything in the meanwhile except wait. I need my lungs to respirate my body.

So I waited. I didn't have any thoughts because no oxygen was getting to my brain. I can't say that it was nice or uncomfortable. I didn't have the capacity to judge. In retrospect I felt like a shirt on a hanger in a closet. Not waiting to be worn, but just hanging.

At one point a blue jay landed next to my lungs. It whistled to my lungs. The lungs didn't respond. The blue jay whistled again. Nothing. The blue jay flew off.

When the sun started to go down, I put my lungs back in. I took a deep breath. It lasted so long. I thought, "Wow, this is a long breath."

I noticed that I felt better. It's amazing what the sun can do.

Appreciating From Afar

I have a relative who fought in World War I. His name was Milford Palmer.


Milford was Corporal First Class. He had the distinction of being the most successful foxhole hunter. He wasn't stealthy or Ramboesque. He would simple approach a German foxhole and say, "Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt your fighting, but my name is Milford Palmer, but I'm looking for my dog Laslo. I'm worried silly about him. He's a Albercian Dachshund. I was wondering if you might have seen the likes of his kind?"

Everyone softens up when they see or hear about a dog. The enemies fighting nature evaporated with canine concern. Often the German's would offer to look for the dog with Milford. Milford would lead the search party to the Allies side and the Germans would be captured with little or no fuss.

Interestingly, Milford never owned a dog in his life. He lived to 94. I like dogs but have never owned and lived with one. I think I must have gotten some of Milford's genes.