Salted and Stroked

My turtle, Ricki, took care of me while I was sick. She brought me turtle flakes everyday. Because I wasn't feeling well, I didn't say anything and I ate the turtle flakes. The turtle flakes are salty. I think the large amounts of salt helped me.

While I rested in bed, Ricki would stroke my head with her flat turtle foot. She doesn't have soft feet. It was kind of like a pencil where the eraser end was completely worn down and there was just the metal part. At first it was uncomfortable and hurt my head. But I soon became overwhelmed by the term of endearment. This tiny turtle really cared for me.

Sabbaticaly Speaking

Better Late than Dead is resting for a week. Its curator is not feeling well and is on sabbatical.

Plus stories need to take a rest too. Those 26 letters constantly and creatively rearranging themselves can be exhausting.

See you soon.

New Way of Seeing Things

I wasn't feeling well so I went to the doctor. He said I have Re-go-go on the Ga-go-go.

I said, "Isn't that from a W.C. Field's movie?"

He said originally. But doctors have been changing names of old illnesses into funny names in a way of cheering up patients.

I said, "I'm feeling better already."

He said that he was still going to have to charge me.

The Awkwardness Continues

I was out trimming the vines when the ghost of Ponce de León appeared. He said that I was an artist with the shears and he just wanted to watch. I'm a sucker for appreciation so I clipped away with great flair.

When I was done,the ghost of Ponce de León joined me for tea out in my garden. He wore traditional clothes from the late 1400's. It used to bother me that ghosts continue to wear the clothes that were popular when they were alive. Wouldn't they want to wear something new and trendy? But then I still wear the clothes I loved in high school so I got it.

The ghost of Ponce de León loves writing his name. He kept scribbling it on his paper napkin. I said, "I wish I had your kind of self-confidence. Oh, the things I could do."

The ghost of Ponce de León said, "Most have not been as great as me. But then look at me now. As dead as the leaf fallen from the tree."

I said, "Ah, but such great colors of rust, crimson and mustard." Oh, my God, the ridiculous things I say to make anyone feel better.

Things Have a Way of Working Out

I ran into an iceberg. It was lost and sad. The iceberg used to live way up north but somehow found its way to Los Angeles.

I showed the iceberg the iphone that my brother-in-law lent me two weeks ago. It has a compass on it. I said, "I bet this can help!"

The iceberg smiled.

So I climbed on the iceberg's back and we headed north.

We only got lost once. Actually not lost. I pretended that's what had happened. "What the? There must be something wrong with this phone." But I figured since I had this great opportunity of being out in the open water, why not visit Hawaii. The iceberg was upset at first. "I trusted you!" But then everything was all smiles when the iceberg really liked going under the huge waterfall because of the cold cold water.

We hit the open waters again, and eventually and soon we were up in the Arctic Sea. The iceberg thanked me. The iceberg worried about how I would get back.

I said, "Not to worry!" My brother-in-law's iphone also had an app for up to date reports of whale migration. As the app said, the whales showed up minutes later. I told them my situation and they said they would be passing through Los Angeles and would be happy to take me.

From Sad to Happy in 60 Seconds

I climbed the mountain. As I climbed, I had a conversation with the mountain.

I said, "Do you feel the sunshine?"

The mountain, "Of course I do, what kind of dumb question is that?"

I said, "Is something the matter?"

The mountain said, "...Yes. My cat ran away a few days ago. I've been distraught ever since."

I said, "What's her name?"

The mountain said, "Sir Kitty-licious. She's a Maltese."

Off in the distance, I noticed a gray puffy tail standing out behind a rock.

I yelled, "Sir-KItty-licious!"

The rest of the puffy gray creature revealed herself. She had a lizard in her mouth.

I said to the Mountain, "I found her, she was just off having lunch."

Visting the Sun Again

I was frozen from the lowly temperatures of the Chicago winter. So I got in my rocket ship and flew to the Sun.

When I arrived I began to sweat. Then I realized, "Oh, I'm still wearing my jackets, scarfs, long underwear, boots and ski goggles." It happens every time. It's funny how the mind remembers certain odd events that happened many years ago, and then forgets rudimentary things.

I stripped down to my bathing suit and asbestos shoes and got out. The asbestos shoes were a gift from the Sun. The Sun likes me and doesn't want my feet to burn. I got to tell you, it's the little things that make a big difference in my life.

Check List

I'm packing for my trip to Los Angeles. So far I'm bringing:

1. My twenty foot garden hose. Watering people's yards is a big hobby of mine. And people are always grateful.

2. My bear skin rug. I can only fall asleep on this rug. I can't sleep in beds.

3. My suit of armor. I like to dress up as a knight. It makes me feel bold. I'm also bringing a gallon of WD-40.

Time Spent Outdoors

The Sun told me, "I'm thinking of quitting. I don't feel like I'm making a difference."

I said, "Are you kidding me, you're my favorite thing in the sky!"

The Sun said, "Really?"

The Moon chimed in and said, "He said the same of me. Still it's nice to hear."

Size Matters

I went to the ocean and sat at the water's edge.

The ocean said, "To what do I owe this honor?"

The ocean is extremely kind. I think the ocean is this way because it's so big and flexible that it never has anything to fear. Because I'm six feet tall, bigger things can land on me, I can fall into holes, or someone who is six feet two inches tall can make fun of how short I am.

Some Change

I was waiting in line to buy a piece of candy when I heard a whisper from my pocket, "Hey."

I reached in my pocket and found a quarter. I brought it out. George Washington on the quarter winked at me.

I said, "What?"

George Washington on the quarter said, "Can you make sure to spend me? Some of my friends are in this register's change drawer. I want to hang out with them."

I said, "Sure."

When it was my turn, the lady at the register said, "That will be nineteen cents."

I gave her the quarter. She gave me a nickel and a penny.

I heard George Washington on the quarter shout, "No, those are my friends!"

I took the change and left. I only have so much good will.

Just Between You and Me

Intuitionally I dug a hole in my back yard. I dug till my sensitive feelings led me to discover gold. It was so shiny. My imagination said the gold's brilliant flash was the precious metal's way of saying hi to me. Thank God I only share things like this with you.

Finally, Some Perspective

My clock stopped working. I shook it, but nothing changed. Then I banged it on the table. I learned this from my parents who used to bang the TV when it went on the fritz. I think they learned that from medical shows where ER technicians banged just dead people's chest with a fist.

My dog, Rexy, looked over and said, "Did it help?"

I said, "No, I think I have a dead clock."

Rexy said, "Why do you need to know the time anyway? You don't have anywhere to be?"

I said, "Yes, but what if at some point I do?"

Rexy said, "What if we go to the moon, how will we breathe without oxygen?"

I threw the clock in the trash.

Extremes

I have a pet antelope. Her name is Daisy Chain. We like to take walks. We walk at night because otherwise people ask a lot of questions. "Oh, my God, is that an antelope?"

Last night Daisy Chain and I walked to the lake. We sat on the water's edge.

Daisy Chain said, "Isn't it funny how the dirt sits here and the water sits there? Everything has its place."

I said, "But overtime things switch places. Continents move. Water floods the land. Sometimes they share the same space. There's water in the land, and land in the water."

Daisy Chain said, "Life is a paradox."

I remembered my pet iguana, Ferdinand. Ferdi never said a thing. I used to shine a light in one of Ferdi's ears and a solid beam of light would come out the other ear. I used to forget all my problems when I hung out with Ferdi.

For the Sake of Graciousness

The ghost of Diana, Princess of Wales joined me on my morning walk. I was a little intimidated by her. I don't understand how dead people can take charisma with them. But then I don't understand how dead people can still be around as ghosts.

I did what I always do when I'm nervous. I talked about trees. I pointed out how being that it's winter and all the trees leaves are gone, it looks like the trees were turned upside down overnight and we're looking at their roots. She said she's never considered that, and thanked me for my insight. The British have amazing manners. It makes me want to do things for them just to get the thank you.

Becoming Dynamic

My doctor said I need to exercise. He feels that moving my fingers to type this blog isn't enough.

I asked my doctor what he suggested. He told me to join a gym. So I decided to take his advice. I found walking five blocks to the gym made me stronger. I didn't go in to join because I didn't want to push it. Too much is too much. I caught a cab back home and took a deserved nap.

Tea Time

The Sun and I are good friends. The Sun often comes over for tea. The funny thing is, the Sun has to wait for the tea to cool down, otherwise he says, "I might burn my tongue."

Amphibiously

I sat next to the frog on the log.

I said, "Sometimes I wish I was you, nothing to do but sit on this log."

The frog said, "Right now there's no difference."

I said, "But I have places I'm supposed to be."

The frog said, "Yes, but you're here."

I said, "I wish I were as wise as you."

The frog said, "I wish you were too so you'd shut up."

Rest Less

I was restless and felt the need to do something new this year. So Saturday night I dug a very deep hole to the center of the Earth. First off, I was excited because the center is very warm, which is nice because Chicago is frigid and I haven't been able to get warm enough.

Second, the center of the Earth is spacious. I stood up and walked around. There were some other people down there walking around too. Most of them were friendly. It's nice when you meet people with similar interests.

Thirdly, there were no creatures. It becomes very easy to enjoy a new place when you can be certain you won't be eaten.

I thought I would live down there forever. But I got restless again and came back last night. I think the internet has made me addicted to new stimulation.

A Year Passes

I met up with the ghost of 2010 tonight. It was a fresh ghost since it passed only minutes ago. New ghosts are fun because they are pretty relaxed since their level of responsibility has dramatically decreased.

2010 told me it was going to hang out with its uncle 1972. I'm still alive and don't talk with my uncles. It's not that I don't like them. It's just there's not enough time to hang out with everyone.

I told 2010 that I would one day like to be a year. It would give me something to do every day.