A New Companion

I was driving down the road when I saw 2012 walking down the sidewalk.

I pulled over and said, "Do you need a ride?"

2012 averted its eyes and said, "I can't interact with anyone until 12 am January 1st.

I said, "But you're interacting with me right now."

2012 looked at me and said, "Where you going?"

I said, "I'm going to the movies to see War Horse. Do you want to come?"

2012 said, "Oh, my God, I really want to see that!!"

In the End it Will Probably Be Okay

President Obama invited me to the White House for the Holidays. In some ways it's relaxing because all my meals are cooked for me. I get to hang out with the Obamas and play games and watch movies with them.

At the same time President Obama keeps asking me questions about affairs of state. I don't follow the news but he still wants to know.

This morning I suggested everyone in the United States gets dressed up in costumes and travels to Pakistan and tells the Pakistanis that we are the ministers of mirth. Obama went ahead and had his staff order 200 million costumes and set up the plane reservations.

I think it will be kind of nice to have our country empty for a weekend. Sometimes places just need to get aired out.

On Second Thought

I was taking a stroll across the desert when the Sun said to me, "Do you think I shine well?"

I said, "Of course...What's going on?"

The Sun said, "I think I'm doing a crappy job."

I said, "That's because you're always working. You have no contrast. You need a vacation."

Suddenly the world was plunged in darkness. The temperature dropped 100 degrees. I felt the blood in my veins heading towards ice.

I thought, "I need to be less encouraging."

Being Helpful

Santa left one of his reindeer on my roof. I had to coax it down with a bowl of oatmeal.

I called the police. They said Santa doesn't exist so they couldn't help me.

I invited the reindeer in. It chewed up my couch and pooped on the floor. My dog Rexy said the reindeer had no manners.

I reminded Rexy of the day I brought her home from the pound and she ate my lucky panama hat.

Rexy invited the reindeer to rest on her doggie bed. The reindeer laid down and sprawled past the bed's tiny boarders with its gangly legs. The reindeer was asleep and snoring in seconds.

Time Off

I took my sailboat out to the middle of the lake. I emptied my wallet into the water. I tossed in my keys. I took off my shoes and dropped them in too.

I sat in the boat.

A fish stuck its head out of the water.

The fish said, "I was wondering what the keys go to?"

I said, "My apartment and my Toyota."

The fish said, "Would that be okay if I were to have them?"

I said, "Sure...You might want to take my wallet too since it has my address."

The fish said, "I already did."

I said, "Right, of course."

The fish said, "Okay, I'm going to go now."

Sobriety

I went by the North Pole to visit my friend Santa.

I found Santa drunk and yelling at the elves. I asked if I could help. Santa asked who I was. I didn't take it personally because I go to Al-anon.

I got Santa to lie down on a couch and close his eyes. He fell asleep in seconds. I covered him with a blanket.

The elves thanked me and went back to work.

Santa got up a couple of hours later. He apologized to everyone. He admitted he had a problem with alcohol. I called one of my friends who's in AA and asked him if he knew of any meetings nearby. He got online and found a meeting in Anchorage at seven. Santa and I took the sleigh and went.

At the AA meeting, they asked if there were any newcomers. Santa stood up and said, "I'm Santa and I'm an alcoholic." Because he was wearing his red suit, I sensed the people at the meeting knew who he was.

Togetherness

My dog Rexy peed on the Christmas tree.

I got angry and asked, "Why couldn't you wait till I took you for a walk?"

Rexy said, "Why do you have a tree in the house?"

Why Cartoons Are So Popular

I was playing golf at my country club when the ghost of Kim Jong-il joined me. He seemed confused.

Fresh ghosts don't know they are dead. They tend to assume they are dreaming. But after the passage of a few days, they begin to question what's going on.

I got out my cell phone and googled Kim. I showed Kim the news stories about his death.

Kim got upset. A few minutes into his death tantrum, I interrupted Kim and pointed out a squirrel ghost that just a few minutes ago had been run over by a golf cart. The squirrel ghost was throwing a fit on the putting green.

Kim laughed. It's humbling to see yourself being reenacted by an animal.

Insight

I got in my time travel machine and visited myself in high school.

I told myself about cell phones, the internet, computers, and facebook.

My high school self looked at the now me and said, "Oh my god, you're bald!"

Talent

I sat out on the rim of Crater National Park.

David Bowie walked up and sat down next to me.

We nodded to each other. We sat together and said nothing.

Eventually David Bowie started to snore. He's one of those people who can sleep while sitting. He's so talented!

Oh, I See

I'm opening for Bob Seger on his winter tour. I play songs from my album, Brooks Takes His Time.

Usually there are only a handful of people in the auditorium when I'm on. They text or talk to one another. I'd get discouraged.

But then Bob told me, "The main reason they applaud me is because I gave them an excuse to get away from their wife and kids."

The Truth is Everywhere

I was walking through the desert and ran into the Easter Bunny.

I asked how much preparation goes into getting ready for Easter. The Easter Bunny said none because he's just a figurehead.

I started to cry.

The Easter Bunny asked why. I said because I'm allergic to rabbits.

About Time

I saw 2012 nervously smoking a cigarette out on a street corner.

I asked what was up.

2012 said it was checking out the competition.

I said I thought each year worked together as agents of time.

2012 cried and said the pressure to be a better time was unbearable.

I took notes. I'm the keynote speaker at the Bettle Time Symposium in Stockholm next Tuesday. This is going to blow them away.

Fragile Santa

Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I said that I was okay and didn't need anything.

Santa started crying and then sobbing. I think he has a hard job.

It doesn't help that he wears that embarrassing suit.

?

My pet crocodile, Chaucer, is a gum chewer. And he chews with his mouth open. It drives me nuts.

Chaucer hates that I'm always cracking my knuckles.

I don't know how anyone gets along.

I've Been There

I met the Dalai Lama.

He was downcast. I asked him why.

He said he had eaten an entire fudge brownie sundae and he was experiencing low blood sugar.

I suggested he drink some water. He did and felt much better.

Sometimes Things Just Happen

I was out driving when a hurricane came by and sucked me up into its funnel cloud.

At first I got very dizzy. The whirling winds kept me driving around in rapid circles. I unrolled the window because I thought I was going to get sick.

But then I looked down into the eye of this twister and the calm quietness helped me get my bearings back.

I relaxed and turned on the radio. The station gave the weather report. They said that a hurricane had been spotted in the area and that everyone should beware.

Man's Best Friend

I was taking my dog Rexy for a walk in the park when I felt the snap and crackle of time travel happening. The trees and wide open spaces faded into the emptiness of the time void.

I felt myself falling in nothingness. Rexy was next to me. I imagined we were astronauts out on a space walk.

The world reappeared as we landed on a tent. The tent collapsed. I felt angry and bewildered people rumbling beneath us. They managed their way out. Before us stood a bunch of generals from the Union Army. Rexy and I had traveled back to the Civil War!

I recognized a disheveled Union General Ulysses S. Grant. And a dazed President Abraham Lincoln, who was holding his stove top hat that was crunched like an accordion. It's refreshing to see celebrities looking out of sorts. I feel like I can relate to them.

Grant and Lincoln began yelling at me. They used words like "audacity" and "impudence." I love old words. They have more resonance than newer words.

My dog Rexy began barking at them. She was reliably protecting me. You're always the President to your dog.

Lincoln was charmed by Rexy and got down on the ground and petted her head. Grant was equally swayed and fed Rexy a piece of bull jerky.

He's Right

I bought a cave. I didn't add electricity, chairs, or any additional comforts. I kept it lightless and cold.

I sat on the cold cave floor, and felt peaceful in the sightless, comfortless nothingness.

Not an hour into my peaceful state, a bear came into the cave, laid down, scratched itself forever, and then fell asleep, filling the cave with the sound of echoing snores.

I lost it. I got up and started yelling. I began to punch the bear wildly.

The bear woke up and said, "Excuse me, but what do you think you are doing?"

I said, "You're disturbing my peace!!"

The bear said, "I think something much deeper than a snoring bear is bothering you."

I stopped hitting the bear. I took a breath. I said, "I'm sorry. You're right."

Career Change

One of the night sky stars came down and knocked on my bedroom window. I was angry. I don't like to be disturbed. The night is my time to be alone and recharge.

I opened the window and yelled at the star. The star apologized and said it only wanted to let me know I left the light on inside my car. I felt so stupid. I apologized to the star. I went out and reclosed the driver's side door so the light went off. I looked up to the night sky and said I was sorry again.

I think I have a lot of anger inside of me. I'm considering quitting writing and becoming a boxer.

Good Points, Bad Points

I was lost at sea. I had been afloat in a truck tire inner tube for two weeks. I was thirsty and delirious.

There were benefits though. I was not spending any of my time on the internet. I didn't have to worry about how I looked. It was fun to ride the waves. I saw a tremendous amount of clouds. The sea air was good for my lungs.

I realized, life has good points and bad points. If I let go of one extreme, if I was back on land, I would be frittering away my time online.

I relaxed in my realization.

Suddenly I saw a great white shark heading towards me with its mouth wide open. The inner tube would be no match for it's razor sharp teeth. I tried to think hard of a good point.

And then I got one - it would be an exciting end to this story!!

It's Not Easy to Relate to Anyone

I was hiking through the Phoenix desert when I fell into a rodent hole. Yes, it's true, the holes aren't that big, but I'm thin, flexible, and curious.

I fell for about thirty seconds. I landed on the inhabitant, a desert owl. Normally this would be an opportunity for being social. But the desert owl eats anything that falls into its living hole.

The desert owl made of go of it, chewing on my right hiking shoe. I felt badly for my intrusion, so I let the chewing continue.

The desert owl was getting nowhere and was frustrated. I said, "Once on a hike, I got lost. I ate all my snacks and was still hungry. Out of desperation, I tried eating the same shoe, and also had no luck."

The desert owl stopped. Lit a cigarette. We sat in silence. It was awkward.

It All Works Out in the End

I forgot to close my bedroom window last night, and all the forest animals came in, crawled into bed, and snoozed next to me.

This morning was pandemonium because every animal, insect and reptile wanted something different for breakfast.

Fortunately, 3/4s of the desired menu items were in attendance.

Let Me Add That

I flew my plane high above the clouds to Heaven.

I opened the window and shouted out, "God, I'm going to read to you the list of things I want in my life."

A thunderbolt hit my plane, killing the engine, and I began spiraling down to the ground."

I heard God say, "I hope the solution to this is on your list."

Highlight of the Day

I visited the Polar Bear at the zoo.

I said, "Can I come in?"

The Polar Bear said, "Sure."

I jumped in the pool. We swam together. My favorite part was when the zoo worker feed us trout bits.

Oh, I See

My cow smokes cigarettes in the barn though I have repeatedly warned her about the fire hazard. I finally let go of my anger about this when a friend told me nicotine helps cows with their milk production.

Growing up at Niagara Falls

When I was a kid, my dad's job was to run and maintain Niagara Falls. At night he would turn off the Falls water supply, and then remove trees, rocks, and other junk that impeded the water's flow.

My sister and I used to run around the dry waterbed and pretend we were Moses and the Israelites crossing the Red Sea.

The Disease of Art

Because we're related to Issac Newton, my family felt pre-bound to the obligation of loving the sciences. My sister excelled in her research of how the veins are irritable and look for ways to cut corners. My father discovered that the brain imagines it's a tree imagining it's a brain. My mom created the long-running PBS show, "Science: Science."

I proved to be an embarrassment to my family name by failing miserably in my kindergarten physics class. This troubled my parents, and they had our family doctor inoculate me with the arts vaccine to deter my interests in things creative, giving the sciences a chance to get back into my mind.

But due to a strong negative reaction to the vaccine, I got a library card and started reading Chaucer. This developed into writing fantasy stories about strange people I met while walking on the road to the candy store.

Here's one that I managed to save:

On the way to the candy apothecary,
I came upon a bent-snake named Smythe.
Smythe told me of near-by fields of sugar cane,
where a lad could sate his sweet-tooth
by eating a fair dozen raw canes.
But I knew better than to trust a bent snake,
and poured salt on the fang-toothed creature,
who proceeded to shrivel,
and I wore Smythe the snake as a neck-tie.

Endless Circle

I had lunch with Newt Gingrich. We had pizza. I normally don't eat pizza. The cheese and dairy make me tired. But he wanted pizza. He was insistent.

Sometimes I get talked into things I don't want to do. My girlfriend bought a time-travel machine and wanted to go back in time with me to 877 AD to witness the inauguration of Indravarman I as king of the Khmer Empire. I had no interest, but she kept saying, "It would be so romantic." I went and I got a case of head lice.

So Gingrich ordered a double cheese pizza with sardines. I didn't want to be rude and I had three slices. I was so out of it, I could barely hear what he was saying. He asked me what was wrong. I told him about my allergies. He asked me why I ate the pizza. I was too tired to tell him what I just told you.

The Curse of Manners

I was standing in line at the Burger Emporium when I felt time and space slip out of the picture and I was in the secret space between moments.

I fell in this minute-less gap until I landed somewhere in a rock quarry. There was no one around. I thought I could be anywhere in time. Rocks have no clocks.

I walked for a while.

Suddenly a pterodactyl swooped down from the sky and attacked me. The pterodactyl's claws ripped my jacket. I was upset because it was denim. It's hard to find a denim jacket that fit me as well as this one.

My anger turned savage and I punched the pterodactyl in the eye. The pterodactyl started to cry.

The pterodactyl said, "Ow, that really hurt!"

I said, "Dude, I assume you were trying to kill me."

The pterodactyl said, "Yeah, but it hurt."

I apologized. It hate saying I'm sorry. I almost feel like I should apologize to myself for saying it.

Neurotic

While visiting a live volcano in Hawaii, I fell in.

I felt like an idiot. It was like slipping on the ice and in mid-air knowing there's nothing you can do about it.

I worried that when I went in and under the lava it would hurt. But then I thought that I probably wouldn't feel a thing since I would burn and melt in an instant.

Still, the heat on the way down was unbearable. I thought I would be steamed and ready to eat before I hit the lava's surface.

Just then a pelican swooped down, caught me in its tremendous mouth, carried me out of the volcano and set me down on the ground in safety.

I thanked the pelican profusely. The pelican accepted my thanks, shook my hand, and flew off.

I thought that I sometimes worry too much about things that never actually end up happening.

Scienced

My father is a scientist. He works for Bullion & Baxter. They are the largest scientific testing lab in the country.

He's working on a chemical that will give dogs a pleasant timbre to their bark. Eventually it will be added to dog food.

The thing is, he gave a variation of this to my sister and I when we were kids to reduce the droning sound in our voices. He put it in our breakfast cereal.

My father says, "Where would we be without the miraculousness of the scientific method?"

I tell him we'd all be squatting in the forests, scratching our hairy butts, and not having a care in the world.

I dug a hole in my backyard and filled it up with water from the hose.

A duck flew down from the sky and landed in the new pond.

I asked, "Do you like it?"

The duck said, "I'm sitting in it, aren't I?"

The Options Are Limited

While hiking in the desert, a rock said, "Hey!"

I said, "What?"

The rock said, "How come you don't say hi?"

I said, "I'm sorry. I get lost in my thoughts. That's why I come to the desert."

The rock said, "Still, it hurts my feelings."

I said, "I'm sorry."

I made a mental note to go back to walking on the treadmill.

Upon Returning

My dog Rexy had enough of me and got in the rocket ship and took off into space.

Three weeks had passed when Rexy returned.

I said, "How was your trip?"

Rexy said, "It was okay."

I said, "Did you miss me?

Rexy said, "No."

I said, "Do you want to go for a walk?"

Rexy said, "Oh my god, yes!!"

A Request

I sat on the edge of the Grand Canyon, gazing at the big wide open space.

A vulture landed next to me. The vulture said, "Are you thinking of jumping?"

I said, "No. I haven't considered that. Why?"

The vulture said, "I'm hungry."

Getting Away

I like to hang out on my guitar, in the space between the string and the fretboard. I have to shrink to about three centimeters. I sit on the little metal piece that's embedded horizontally on the wood of the fretboard where a G chord would be played.

Sometimes I'll lean forward and jump onto the string and slide down to the metal ridge of the A chord.

I'm the only one in the house that plays guitar, so I'm in no risk of someone playing the guitar and crushing me.

Sometimes I'll kick my feet out and hit strings and make up a song. I think this is what it must sound like to be in a church tower when the bells are ringing.

Chicken

I like to hang out with chickens. I actually get down on the ground with them, moving about on my hands and knees.

I'm soothed by their clucking sounds. I love the smell of their feathers.

The chickens don't seem to mind me.

I wish I was more adept with people. I've taken courses on socializing, in which I received high grades.

But I'm most at home, on the ground, with my fine feathered friends.

Safe House

Early this morning I huddled together with fugitive turkeys hiding out in my basement. I told them I was going to do my best to protect them from hunters.

This part of town is ruthless on Thanksgiving. We get over 10,000 turkey hunters coming in from neighboring counties hoping to capture a turkey for their Thanksgiving meal tonight. They hunt today because of the freshness of the meat.

To counter the hunters offensive, I've been spending most of my day sitting out on my porch, non-nonchalantly smoking my pipe and giving false advice.

Hunters come by with their high powered rifles, scopes, and turkey radar detectors, and they tell me that their radars go nuts when they are near my property. I pretend to get excited and say that I saw a pack of wild and fat turkeys run past my front yard and into the woods. The hunters head into the woods with great glee.

There are 318 turkeys in my basement. They mostly watch TV and read. One of the turkeys is reading The Great Gatsby. That book's supposed to be good, but I could never finish it.

A Discovery

I was visited by the ghost of Madame Curie.

I said that I wasn't feeling well. Since she was a doctor, I asked if she could cure me.

She said that she was a researcher not a healer. She said that while she was alive, she research radium and it killed her.

I realized it's weird how other people have problems besides me.

Oh, I See

I ran out of water in the desert.

I went up to a cactus and asked for water. The cactus said that if it were to give me water, it would have to do the same for every desert critter that was thirsty.

I asked the cactus what was really the matter.

The cactus said it was lonely because its needles kept it from being hugged.

I Can't Explain

I had breakfast with Pete Townsend of the Who.

Pete asked me if I'd purchased the re-re-release of the their album Quadrophenia. I said that I bought the album when I was a teenager. And then the CD two years ago.

Pete said that the re-re-release that came out last week is an even better version. I said I was glad he felt proud of his work. Pete said that I was being condescending. I asked Pete what that meant. Pete explained that I was offensively coming from a superior position.

I said that I'm not smart enough to do that. Pete said that I was acquiescing in my purported humbleness to make myself seem better than him.

I asked Pete what was wrong. Pete told me that he's naturally neurotic and not to take anything he said personally. I made a mental note to delete all the Who songs from my itunes folder.

She's Right

I was so angry at my elephant!

In the middle of the night, she stampeded my living room, reducing to pulp my stereo, tv, dog and barcalounger.

I said to my elephant, "What the hell were you thinking?!"

My elephant said, "Dude, what were you thinking when you got an elephant for a pet?"

My New Job

I got a job singing for the Los Angeles Opera.

I'd never sung that way before. Somehow I knew during my audition to pretend I was yawning while singing. Yawning is a way of not caring about what you're doing. It's a physical, "Oh, well." I wasn't needy. People love to give you things when you don't want them.

The thing is I now have to sing opera.

Solutioned!

My lungs were tired. So I took my lungs out and set them hanging on a tree so they could get a chance to air out.

A pelican came by, took my lungs, and flew away. I couldn't say anything because I wasn't wearing my lungs.

I sat and did nothing until I realized I could substitute my lungs with my vacuum cleaner. I'm now getting more oxygen than ever!

New Place to Sleep

Last night a pack of coyotes came up in through my open bedroom window. They asked me if I wanted to come out for a midnight escapade.

I said yes and out the window we went.

We ran through backyards, across open fields, down empty dark streets.

We caught and ate three rabbits, a dog, and 16 mice.

As the sun came up, they asked me if I would like to be a full time member of their pack and live with them in the Hollywood Hills.

I said I wanted to, but that I would miss my bed too much. So they helped me carry my bed up into the Hills.

A Natural Welcome

There was a mini earthquake and my backyard split open. A diamond the size of a truck jutted out of the hole and displayed itself like a statue.

My dog Rexy went up and peed on the diamond.

A Little Less

I did some clutter busting with Bob Dylan.

He had a pool that he didn't swim in. I asked him if he would let it go. He agreed. We drained the pool and filled it up with dirt.

I asked him if he missed the pool. He asked me, "What pool?"

Different Points of View

I got a job cooking hamburgers at a restaurant. I like the simplicity of flipping burgers.

I used to be President of Bank of America. I liked the simplicity of the limo ride to work. But the job was stressful and made my hair fall out.

My dog Rexy likes my new job because I bring him home a burger after every shift. My family doesn't like my new job because we couldn't afford our mansion and now live in our car.

Last night I had a dream where God said everything has a shiny and smooth side and a dull and scratched side. I asked God if he likes his job. He said it depends on the day.

T. Jefferson

When I was a kid, we took a tour of Monticello, the home of President Thomas Jefferson. I got lost from the tour and wandered into the dumb waiter. That's where I met the ghost of Mr. Jefferson.

I didn't know what a President was yet but I knew he was important, so I asked Mr. Jefferson if he invented chewing gum. He said, no, that was Benjamin Franklin. I said that I hope to one day invent something as great as gum. Thomas Jefferson said that the inventors of simple things like coffee, gum, and toilet paper will never be remembered. I said being well known is a burden because you have to constantly be aware of what you wear and do.

Thomas Jefferson said that it's a small price to pay to be remembered for writing the Declaration of Independence. I said I hadn't read it. I asked him what else he had done. He cleared his throat and quietly said he'd also written a children's book called, Herdie's Brother is a Kumquat. I said I loved that book and had read it over twenty times!

A Nice Surprise

My car broke down. I left it behind and walked into the desert.

Night came and I laid down on the desert floor and fell asleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night to discover an armadillo curled up in a ball and laying against my stomach. I felt its armor plating. I was amazed that it was warm.

Oh

I was mining for gold in Flagstaff when I came across a worm.

The worm said, "What are you doing?"

I said, "I'm looking for gold."

The worm said, "You're off by six inches to the left."

So I dug the six inches and came across the gold mother-load.

I said to the worm, "Thank you so much!!"

The worm said, "You're going to feel differently when I tell you that gold is made from worm poop."

Lonesome No More!

I got a hotel room at a casino in Santa Fe. I laid down but couldn't fall asleep.

So I went downstairs to the casino and bet $100 on roulette. I won $150,000. I got the money in cash and came back to my room.

I arranged the cash in a lengthwise pile on the bed. I laid down on the bed and spooned the cash. I fell asleep in seconds.

Helping Out in Ways I Can

When I heard an asteroid was passing by the Earth, I got in my rocket ship, took off into space, and caught up with the rapidly traveling rock.

I said, "Hey, where are you going?"

The asteroid said, "I'm hungry. I'm looking for a place to stop and eat. Do you have a place you recommend?"

The thing is, I know of a lot of really great places back on the Earth. But our going there would also destroy them.

So I did the next best thing. I gave the rocket ship an egg salad sandwich my wife had packed for me.

Feeding Time

When I was eleven, my parents took me on a tour of the White House. I was a spacey kid and soon got lost from the tour. I was wandering the halls of the White House by myself.

President Nixon stuck his head out of an office. I recognized him from TV. I said hi. He said hello and asked me if I would like to make an easy five dollars. I thought of all the candy that would buy me and I said yes.

I went into the office. There were stacks of paper everywhere. In the midst of it all was a noisy shredding machine hastily being fed papers by sweaty USSR head of state, Leonid Brezhnev. President Nixon said Brezhnev was tired and needed a break. So I took over.

I liked shredding papers. I imagined that the shredder was a robot that was hungry. I thought about how everything needs to eat. At one time the trees that were now this paper, took in nutrients from the ground. That morning I ate a bowl of Capt N' Crunch. President Nixon and Brezhnev were off to the side eating donuts.

The Last Lunch

I had lunch with the Pope. He had a Gruyere melted cheese sandwich. I had a Hungry Man Salisbury Steak TV dinner. The Vatican has everything!

I said, "Did you want to be Pope when you were a boy?"

The Pope said, "No, I wanted to be a fireman."

I said, "It's never too late."

The Pope looked forlornly out the window. I slipped away and pulled the fire alarm. The alarm bell rang. I ran back to the table.

I said, "The building is in flames! Save us!!"

The Pope, in mid-chew, ran towards the balcony and jumped off. I felt badly. But at the same time, I knew he no longer would live with the pain of an unfulfilled life.

A Simple Mistake

The Polar Ice Cap came to visit me yesterday. We went to the zoo together. Then we had had dinner. It was nice to catch up on each others lives. That night the Polar Ice Cap went back to its home up north.

While it was gone, scientists noted the Polar Ice Cap's disappearance and said the waters of the Earth would soon submerge and drown us. There was a great panic. People all over the world grabbed whatever they could carry and climbed to the top of the nearest tree.

I couldn't call anyone and explain what had actually happened because everyone was up in a tree. So I stayed home and took a long nap.

It's Hard to Get Away

I walked through the woods till I came to a pond. I looked into the pond and saw my reflection.

I said, "You look good today."

My reflection said, "Except for these damn ripples!!"

Difficult Memory

When I was a kid we had a pet rhino named Beryl. Beryl lived with us in the house. We treated her as a member of the family. When we ate dinner, Beryl ate dog food out of a trough next to the dinner table. Beryl affectionately laid on all our laps every night as we watched TV.

Sometimes it was my job to walk Beryl. I did my best to reign in Beryl. But something would often make her charge and yank me with her.

The worst time was when she got angry and chased a neighbor's car for two hours. I trailed behind as a flailing kite. When the neighbor stopped to get gas, Beryl plowed into the back of the neighbor's car. I had to apologize. It was an awkward and uncomfortable situation for a three year old.

I was too embarrassed to call my parents from the gas station's payphone. So I climbed on Beryl and road back home. In someways I'm still waiting to get there.

Change

I felt a sensation in my pocket. I took out the change. The face of Lincoln on the penny winked at me.

I said, "Yes, penny, what is it?"

Lincoln on the penny said, "What if you thought of me as other than money?"

I said, "But you are money."

Lincoln on the penny said, "I know, but I'm also copper. And I'm the upper half of Lincoln. I'm also a metal wheel that you can flip to help make decisions."

I put the penny back in my pocket and emailed the U.S. Mint to complain about talking money. They emailed me back and said, "Sometimes things aren't a problem but an opportunity to listen."

So I emailed my congressman about how I felt the U.S. Mint was being too personal. My congressman wrote back saying, "There isn't money in the budget to resolve your problem. Plus, the U.S. Mint has a point."

I took the penny out of my pocket and rubbed it between my finger and thumb.

Lincoln on the penny purred.

Conundrum

I said, "My head hurts."

The doctor said, "That's because it's in a vise. I advise you to loosen and remove the vise."

I said, "But I spent a lot of money on the vise."

The doctor said, "Now my head is starting to hurt."

Some Words

The tree outside my window said, "I miss when you climb me."

I said, "I need to protect my fingers so I can type on my computer."

The squirrel on the tree said, "Get your ass out here. Seriously, it's a nice day!"

Lunch!

I was bored and caught a flight to Israel. I took a cab into Jerusalem City. I went into a McDonald's for lunch. I got a Big Mac.

The ghost of Moses came in and sat down next to me. Moses asked how was the burger. I said it was delicious. I told him I knew it wasn't good for me, but I can't help eating meat that tastes like candy

What This Website Supports

I take my royalties from this website and pay for a Better Late Than Dead! billboard which sits across the street from my house.

It features a photo of me, disheveled, black-eyed, and torn shirt, standing in an open door with an apologetic look on my face, and a cartoon blurb coming from my mouth that says the name of this website.

I look at it whenever I'm feeling that I'm not enough in the moment. I've already glanced at it four times today.

A New Solution

My dog Rexy went crazy digging a hole in my backyard. At first I thought she smelled a bone just under the surface. But eventually she had dug twenty feet in the ground, and then started barking like crazy.

I went out to see what all the fuss was about. Rexy found a leather briefcase. I went down into the hole and opened the briefcase. It was filled with hundred dollar bills.

I jumped for joy and exclaimed that all my problems had been solved. I could pay off my $125,000 and growing debt for my out of control addiction to mashed potatoes that takes me around the world sampling this potato dish in the search for the "best mashed potato."

Rexy pointed out the my mashed potato addiction was a subterfuge of my need for unconditional love. That I could pay off the debt and continue funding my culinary travels for maybe another six months, but that I would never find mashed potatoes that would actually satisfy me. Rexy said this found money would not solve, but actually exasperate my pain.

I realized Rexy was right. I set down the suitcase. I cried. Rexy came up and licked my face. My heart shook so loudly that I worried the dirt would cave in on us. But it didn't.

Secret Fact of Life

I work as a janitor at an office complex. I like working by myself. It gives me valuable time with my thoughts. When I mop, I think of amazing things.

Here's what I thought of this morning:

Trees rule the world. They have very powerful thoughts. The trees' thoughts emanate out into the world and they make things happen. We pick up the trees' thoughts, like we are a radio receiver, and we think they are our thoughts and we follow them.

We don't realize this because trees are just standing there, appearing to be doing nothing.

Knowing this can help us understand why we do some of the stupid things we do over and over again. Essentially we are entertainment for the trees.

That was Then, This is Now

When I was a kid, I was so nervous about monsters underneath my bed, that I was unable to get out of bed in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I either stayed up all night, holding it in, or I wet the bed.

Out of compassion, my parents went to Radio Shack and bought a mini radar and placed it under my bed. It came with a radar screen that sat on my night table. When I woke up and had to pee, I would check out the radar screen.

Some nights I would see that the area under my bed was monster free and proceeded happily to the bathroom. Other nights, the radar detected monsters, and I would just wait until they were gone.

I still use it today, but that's just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm feeling lonely and want someone to talk to.

Mooned

I went to the Moon this morning for a walk. I happened across a Moonling also out for a walk.

I said, "Good morning."

The Moonling said, "ashd8 a- "

I said, "Ah, I dooon't speeeeak Mooooooonling."

The Moonling said, "I was just joshing you!"

Oh, that's why

I went to the wishing well and dumped all my money in.

The wishing well said, "Oh my God! You must have a big wish."

I said, "No. I just felt like doing it."

The wishing well said, "But it doesn't work that way. You give me money. You tell me what you want. I do my best to make sure it happens."

I said, "Just use the money for other people's wishes then."

The wishing well said, "But then I'd have to explain to people that they don't need to pay anything because their wishes have been comped."

I said, "That's not my problem."

The wishing well said, "And now it's mine!!"

I said, "I wish you'd just drop this."







...

Back to Now

I was giving a presentation at the 2011 New-Fangled Blog Posters Convention in Albuquerque, New Mexico, saying that the only way to write a blog post is to imagine you are writing a letter to your dog, when suddenly I heard the crackle, pop, and snap of the time travel portal opening up.

The room disappeared as I fell into the time well. I passed a few people in the time-space passage way. We all waved high. There's something about time-travel that makes you friendly.

I found myself back at the convention in the midst of my blog posting talk. But I couldn't tell whether I had traveled to earlier or later in the talk. I told everyone that I had fallen into a time portal, and now I'm back, and, "Can you tell me what I just said?"

Someone said, "Is this an example of something that you would write to your dog?"

I thought about it and said, "Yes."

Underground

My pet mole, Chaunders, likes to take me on underground trips. Chaunders digs the hole and I follow.

We've been under the Eiffel Tower, below the White House, and beneath the Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio. You never know a place until you see what's under it.

Chaunders and I once did an underground trip across the big old USA. The best part is when we popped out the side of a cliff wall in the Grand Canyon and fell hundreds of feet. I ended up grabbing onto a root sticking out of the cliff. I caught Chaunders by his little paw. We hung there for a little while. What a view!!

Dog Sense

I was so tired. My dog Rexy said, "Seriously, you have to go to bed."

I said, "There's so many things I might miss."

My dog Rexy said, "But one of them won't be your bed."

Our Trip

My dog Rexy took me for a long walk. We left Evanston and headed north. We passed the Canadian border. Eventually we made it to the Arctic Sea.

We stepped onto the ice at the shore line. The ice broke off and we floated out to sea. It was nice because it gave us a chance to sit and rest.

We couldn't believe our luck when we came across a school of whales. The whale seem equally surprised and delighted.

One of the whales said, "Where are headed?"

My dog Rexy said, "The winds are blowing westerly, so it looks like Russia."

The whale said, "Smooth sailing!"

To this day I can never get enough of talking animals and fish.

Who's Hungry?

I was watching the news when the ghost of Prime Minister Winston Churchill walked into the room.

Churchill saw the Take Back Wall Street protesters on the news and said, "If they actually did have it in their hands, within days they'd be giving it back."

I said, "I was thinking that we should hire plumbers, electricians and car mechanics to run the government and economic institutions."

Churchill said, "My father was a plumber. When I was prime minister of England, he once came over to 10 Downing Street with his plumber's bag of tools, and say, "Get out of the way and let me fix the damn thing."

I said, "Did you let him?"

Churchill said, "I sent him to Berlin to meet with Hitler. He spent most of the time at the buffet. He came back saying Hitler was a reasonable man."

I said, "It's hard to argue against lunch."

While Out For a Walk

I was out for a walk. I came across a hole in the ground that said, "Hey, how's it going?"

I said, "Okay. How about you?

The hole in the ground said, "Do you remember that rainstorm we had last week? Well, I finally evaporated all the water that had been sitting in me."

I said, "Wow, you must be relieved."

The hole in the ground said, "Are you patronizing me?"

I said, "No."

The hole in the ground said, "Because I don't have to talk with you."

I said, "I'm gonna go."

The hole in the ground said, "Wait. I'm sorry. I'll be nicer."

I said, "Maybe you need a nap."

The hole in the ground said, "Seriously, get the hell out of here!!"

I made a mental note to not walk down this block the next time I went out.

Life As We Know It

I felt estranged from my wife and kids and went out the backyard to get away. I laid on the lawn and looked up at the sky.

One of the stars came towards me. It turned out to be a spaceship. It landed next to me. An alien got out and laid down by my side.

The alien was having troubles at home too. We talked about how you can never count on anything. Life is topsy-turvey.

Just then my wife and kids came out the backyard looking for me. I introduced them to the alien. My wife asked if I wanted to invite my alien friend in for dinner. The alien said yes.

We enjoyed a nice meal.

Mmmm....Cherry

I went back to just before the beginning of time. Pure Potential was considering becoming something.

I said, "You can become whatever you want. What do you want to do?"

Pure Potential said, "I want to be a little girl sucking on a cherry lollipop."

I said, "Great, go for it!"

Suddenly there was an explosion of light, and time and space instantly unfolded like one of those easy to set up tents that you just drop on the ground and all the poles and canvas pop into place.

Seven billion years went by. Suddenly there was the little girl sucking on a cherry lollipop.

I said to Pure Potential, "Now what?"

Oh, well

Once you make love to a porcupine, you'll never do it again.

I thought.

Steve Jobs

I had breakfast with the ghost of Steve Jobs. Usually I meet ghosts after they've been dead for a long while. This was my first fresh ghost!

I showed Steve Jobs the cover of the newspaper. It was his face and his birth and death dates. I said it was funny that the really significant part of that is the dash. Steve Jobs suggested the dash should be at the end suggesting a corpse.

I asked what he was going to do now. Steve Jobs said that from what he gathered, once you die, your days of planning are over. You're like a tissue in a windstorm. He said that's funny because it was how life used to feel but with the illusion that he was steering.

Then Steve Jobs and I went on facebook and saw all the tributes people were writing about him. I wrote that the ghost of Steve Jobs was visiting me. People responded by saying that I was being insensitive. Steve Jobs wrote, "No, I'm actually here. It's really nice that people are saying these wonderful things about me."

This resulted in so many complaints that I was removed from facebook. I said it's hard to go against the grain. Steve Jobs said, "Tell me about it."

MJ

I was called to the stand in Michael Jackson's doctor's trial.

The prosecutor asked if I'd ever seen Michael in concert. I said I hadn't. The prosecutor said he hadn't either and sighed.

The Judge said he'd seen Michael in concert and that he was amazing. Everyone in the courtroom applauded.

The Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Center

I was driving through Fremont, Ohio when I saw a sign for the Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Center. I'm a sucker for dead presidents and I pulled in.

One of the buildings had a library full of a lot of books. Musty, dull looking books. Back in the 1800s, books were not entertainment. They were lifelessly packed dully dense fact containers. Most people back then were illiterate, so books were relegated to holding open doors.

I happened to notice the ghost of President Rutherford B. Hayes perusing the books. I asked if he was a big reader. President Hayes said that he rarely read. But the books in this library were a replica of everything in his brain. For his two terms in office, he had a team of scribes write down everything he thought. These thoughts were put into book form and placed in his library.

I asked President Hayes the purpose of a replica of his mind. Hayes felt the reason people got old was there were so many pieces of information in their brain, that over time the mind wore down and eventually broke, and the body followed suit. Putting his mind in the books was a way to lighten the load.

I asked President Hayes what he was reading when I came upon him. He said he was reading his theory that women were puppets men created to keep them company, and the puppetry was so amazing that men forgot that the women were puppets, and they forgot to set the puppets down, and soon descended into madness.

I asked what his wife thought of this theory. President Hayes said that his wife pointed out that what we think of others is often an unconscious description of how we see ourselves. Hayes said he saw the truth of her statement and gained back all the mental weight he had lost in the writing of these books. He died two days later.

There's no escape

The sun came out. I ran around my yard, skipping and singing.

But then clouds showed up. Rain fell along with lightening. I ran into the house soaked.

There was a knock on my door. I answered. It was one of the clouds. It apologized for getting me wet. I said not to worry about it.

But then the cloud said its feelings were hurt when I ran away into the house.

It's hard enough just dealing with human emotions.

Making the Best of Things

I built a fold-out ladder that extended to the Moon. At first, I didn't think things through timing wise, and I unfolded and climbed the length of the ladder and missed the Moon by nine miles to the right. I made some calculations, and the next day I unfolded and climbed the ladder two hours and two minutes earlier and successfully made it on to the Moon.

I soon felt like an idiot though as I was jumping around in a victory dance and noticed the continuing rotation of the Earth took the ladder away leaving me stranded on the Moon.

I had to wait an entire day for the ladder to return. When it did, there were a couple of thousand people on the ladder wanting to get on the Moon. I snapped into action and charged each person a dollar.

Fetch

I asked my dog Rexy, "What's the meaning of life?"

Rexy said, "A meaning is like a name placard next to a painting. If you're reading it, you're missing the painting. Can you just toss the stick and I'll chase it?"

Second Sun

Late last night while playing guitar, I was visited by the ghost of Kurt Cobain, the lead singer of the band Nirvana.

I actually stood up to greet him. Some celebrities bring out the enamors in me. The magic juice flows and I'm inebriated.

Kurt told me to sit down. He said one of the greatest things is sitting. It means there's no better place to be than this chair.

Kurt asked me to play one of my songs. I played him Second Sun. It's about the day the Sun split in two and there were two Suns. One on each side of the planet. So there were no more night times. People never slept. It was fun till they got really tired. But they couldn't sleep because it wasn't dark. So people had to dig holes in the ground, just like desert critters, so they could get some sleep. The Second Sun got angry and crashed into the Earth, but people were underground so they were okay. The Second Sun gave up and flew away.

Kurt cried. He said that he thought he would stop crying when he died. But it wasn't so. I said you can't escape your nature.

Craps!

I was gambling in Las Vegas. I was up $75,000 at the craps table. I bet it all on seven.

I gave the dice to my dog Rexy to throw for good luck. She ate the dice.

The dealer didn't know what to do. He went to the casino's floor manager. The dealer came back and said we had to sit around and wait to see how the numbers came out.

Knows It All

I was walking through the Arctic when I came upon a carrot-nosed snowman.

I said, "I thought you only existed in front of people's houses."

The snowman said, "It must be a lot of pressure to think that you know everything."

I said, "It is."

Wave

I felt myself falling back in time. I saw moments pass by like cards being shuffled.

Then I found myself on the deck of a ship during a storm. A mighty wave crashed into me. I flew across the deck and grabbed a rope. I didn't know if I could hold on. I was coughing up sea water.

Another wave collapsed on me. I lost my grip and went overboard. The water was icy cold. I watched the ship bob two stories above me, then fall three below.

For a brief second, I saw a person tied to the ship's mast. He was intently taking in the cacophony of wind, rain, and waves. I remembered my college art history class. There was a British painter named William Turner. He asked to be tied to ship's masts during storms so he could memorize images for future paintings.

I saw the man again. His eyes alighted on me with great curiosity. I waved. I know you're not supposed to do that with celebrities. But I get overwhelmed.

A wave lifted me up onto the ship's mast. I grabbed and held on tightly to the ropes. I discovered myself to be inches from the face of the man tied to the mast.

I asked his name. He confirmed my guess. I said I was a big fan. Again, something you're not supposed to do.

Divergence

I sat in the desert and cried.

An armadillo came by and said, "You're doing a lousy job of watering the desert."

I laughed. The armadillo helped me up.

We walked paw in hand till we got to Filbert's Shake Stand.

I had a lemon-lime shake. The armadillo had a gnat shake.

We sipped and watched cars drive by.

Who's Hungry

I stood outside the lion's cage. We both noticed that the cage door was unlatched.

The lion got a hungry gleam in its eye.

I said, "Don't count your blessings. I haven't had lunch."

Compromise

My dog Rexy said, "Can we go for a walk?"

I said, "No. It's raining. I lost my umbrella and I don't want to get wet."

Rexy said, "Think of it like taking a shower."

I said okay and walked Rexy while naked. I carried a bar of soap and sudsed up to prevent any trouble with the law.

What're Ya Gonna Do?

I climbed the eight hours up the mountain side to visit my Guru's cave.

When I got there, my Guru said, "What is it now, Brooks?"

I said, "Nothing. I just came to visit."

My Guru said, "Well, then let me tell you what's bugging me. I hate living in a cave. I miss TV. I miss women. I'm tired of being bitten by bats. No matter how many blankets I wear, I can never get warm enough. My ass hurts sitting on the cave floor. I'm tired of people's problems. I'm sick of philosophy. I miss pizza."

I didn't say anything.

My Guru said, "Oh, my God. I sound like everyone that comes to visit me."

I said, "It's hard being human."

Shhh

I was staying at a Holiday Inn in Edmonton, BC. I like to visit Canada because it's quieter than the USA. In Canada, people apologize if they walk too hard.

I caught the elevator down to the lobby. A few floors down, the elevator stopped and let in the members of the band Pearl Jam. We all said hi. I'm thankful for, "Hi." It's the only really useful and friendly thing you can say to someone else. Pretty much anything said after hello is a mistake.

The elevator doors closed and we descended. We all looked down and said nothing. The doors opened up to the lobby. The band went out, walked through the lobby, out to the street, and got in a limo for their show that night at the Pacific Coliseum.

I sat on a sofa in the lobby next to the fish tank. I watched a goldfish wander into the castle in the aquarium. The goldfish stayed in there for a while.

And That's the Way It Is

This morning I took a stroll with the ghost of news anchor Walter Cronkite.

We walked arm in arm. Ghosts don't have a problem with public displays of affection since it's rare that people can actually see them.

Cronkite said, "You seem nervous."

I said, "I am. You were such a big deal authority figure for me when I was a kid."

Cronkite said, "While alive, I pooped, ate food, smelled, swore, and burped just like everyone else."

I said, "Yes, but not on the air."

Cronkite said, "In 1967, I proposed a news show to the executives at CBS in which I would deliver the news in my underwear, with uncombed hair, drinking directly from a bottle of red wine, while sitting at my messy kitchen table. The executives were interested and shot a pilot. The show was test marketed. Most people said the show was lousy because it reminded them of their own lives. It never made it to the air. I was depressed for years."

A bird flew down, landed in Cronkite's hair, and laid an egg. A tear came to Cronkite's eye.

Cronkite said, "It's nice to get any kind of acknowledgment."

At the Circus!

I was at the circus. The clowns were spotlighted in the center ring. The clowns asked for a volunteer. I raised my hand. They invited me down.

I stood amidst the clowns. They opened the door to the clown car. I got in. 16 clowns followed me.

We drove out of the arena. We got on the freeway and drove south for a while. I fell asleep.

When I woke up, the clown car was parking. The door opened. The clowns got out. I was the last to exit into bright sunshine.

We were at a beach in Key West, Florida.

I said I didn't have a bathing suit. The clowns gave me an over-sized bright orange bathing suit with silver suspenders.

I put it on, jumped into the water and went for a swim.

Noticing

I was flying my plane when I caught up to a mallard flying south.

I opened the plane's window and said, "Where's the rest of your group?"

The mallard said, "I slept in and they left without me."

I said, "Would you like a ride?"

The mallard said yes. I put the plane on auto-pilot and opened the plane's door. The mallard flew in.

The mallard sat next to me in the cockpit. The mallard looked out the window.

The mallard said, "This is a pretty nice view. I never get a chance to notice because I'm usually so busy flapping my wings."

Good Manners

I was walking through the woods when I came upon a unicorn.

I said hi. The unicorn nodded back. I kept walking.

I like to respect the privacy of celebrities.

Sipping with Pinky

I was sitting in the backyard, sipping lemonade with my pet porcupine Pinky.

A bee that was flying around Pinky's glass, landed in the lemonade and drowned. Pinky picked up the bee and ate it.

Pinky said, "Oh, my God, that was delicious!"

I said, "You have a proclivity towards things barbed."

Pinky said, "Well, my friend, so do you."

Much Simpler

I gave a talk at Toastmasters about the importance of being easy when parallel parking. I said the anxiety may come that you'll sideswipe the car you are trying to park behind. But imagine you are a whale, swimming past another whale. You can sense the boundaries of your space.

That's when I felt the pop, snap and crackle of time travel. The people's faces from the room faded, the podium was gone. I was sliding through the tubes of time.

I ended up on a bed in a small room. A man, writing at a desk lit by a candle, looked over, shocked to see me.

Since he was a writer, I felt it was safe to say that I was a time-traveler. Writers are self-trained to be open to strange things. The man was fine with the details of my circumstances.

It turns out he was Stephen Crane, the author of Red Badge of Courage. I apologized for having not reading the book. Though to console Mr. Crane, I said that many school children all over the country are forced to read his book. This brought Mr. Crane great satisfaction.

I asked Mr. Crane what he was currently working on. He said he was attempting to write about a Utopian society that saved mankind from demoralization. I said I would save him time by letting him know that in 1921, Science discovered that the lesser morals that are normally frowned upon, turned out to be humankind's highest possible moral standards, thus eliminating the need for religion. People stopped bathing, apologizing, and the wearing of clothes. For once, we became as happy as the dog.

Mr. Crane set down his pen and looked at his writings. He said "Oh, my. This changes..."

Mr. Crane began to fade, as well as his room. The air crackled as I traveled back to the Toastmasters room. I was surprised to see a naked and bedraggled audience. Someone in the audience said, "What's that on your body?" I said that I was sorry. Another person said, "What does that mean?"

In my confusion I looked around the room, and suddenly my eyes fell upon a well-worn book called, What's the Point Then?!?, by Stephen Crane. I took off my clothes, burped, farted, and said everyone could go to hell. The room responded with thunderous applause.

From One Thing to Another

I was hired by The Rolling Stones to clutter bust. The band's stuff filled three large rooms. There were pieces of stage props, costumes, old instruments, tapes of concerts and studio recordings. I asked the band if they were going to use any of these things anymore. Mick Jagger, the singer, said probably not. I asked if that meant they could let this stuff go. The band took a vote and said yes.

I moved all the Rolling Stones old stuff into my truck, saying that I would take it to a charity for donation. They thanked me, wrote me a check, and I drove away.

The thing is, I'm a big fan of the band, so of course I couldn't help but bring all their old stuff home. The Stones paraphernalia filled my house. It became difficult to move around. The hardest part was that I couldn't enjoy any of these things because I didn't have the space to take anything out and look at it. I became sullen and stopped taking showers.

At the height of my despair, my dog Rexy, who is also my company's receptionist, said to me, "You'd better get your head out of your ass, because The Who heard what a great job you did for the Stones, and they've booked you to help them clutter bust their stuff tomorrow morning at 10 am."

This gave me the strength to snap back and move all the Stones old stuff to the dumpsters outside. I wanted to start fresh so I could have room for all the Who's old crap.

Being Nice

My dog Rexy was in tears.

I asked her what was up.

Rexy said she was upset because the next door neighbor's cat told her that she was uncivilized and that's why she needed to be tethered by a leash.

I agreed but didn't say so. Instead I told her that the leash was prescribed by my doctor to get me to walk faster.

Mistaken

I went to see U2 in concert. Halfway through their show, I felt tired, closed my eyes, and fell asleep. When I awoke, the stadium was empty.

I walked out to the parking lot and got in my car. As I was pulling out, I noticed Bono, the lead singer of U2, smoking a cigarette outside his limousine.

I pulled up next to the limo. I said, "I'm sorry I fell asleep during your show."

Bono said, "Not to worry. It's nice you felt that relaxed."

I said, "I think your music is like a lullaby."

Bono said, "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."

I said goodbye and drove home. I felt badly because I didn't mean what I said as a compliment.

Plans Changed

I was driving across the desert in Utah when my car broke down.

I sat for a while. The heat waves created ripples in my view of the distance to nowhere extending for miles in every direction.

An armadillo walked across the desert towards my car. The armadillo stopped and waited by the passenger door. I opened the door and the armadillo got in, closing the door behind itself.

The armadillo said, "Where you going?"

I said, "I'm heading towards the coast."

The armadillo said, "Can you take me?"

I said, "No. My car has stopped working."

The armadillo said, "Oh. Then would you like to stay with me?"

I thought about it and then said, "Yes."

The armadillo and I walked to its burrow.

I said, "I won't fit."

The armadillo said, "We'll see about that."

The armadillo clawed the burrow to at least ten times its original size. The armadillo went in first. I followed.

The armadillo said, "What do you think?"

I said, "I like it!"

In Remembrance

I tried explaining 9/11 to my dog Rexy.

She said, "All I notice is your face gets distorted and I'm not being fed."

Filling In

I looked up at the Sun.

The Sun said, "What?"

I said, "Just admiring your sunnyness."

The Sun felt self-conscious and left the sky. The Moon wasn't ready to take its place. It was an awkward moment.

But then a raven appeared in the sky, flying in loops.

The raven said, "How's this?"

I said, "It will do."

Visitor

I was sitting, thinking about nothing much when an angel showed up.

I said, "Hi."

The angel said, "Hello."

We didn't say much for a little while.

The angel said, "What's on TV?"

I said, "I don't know, let's find out."

I turned on my TV. There was a wrestling match.

The angel said, "I like wrestling."

We watched wrestling until the angel fell asleep. I turned off the TV and covered up the angel with a blanket.

Things Work Out

I visited President Obama at the White House. We had lunch in the Eisenhower Dining Room. It was nice to be waited on. I used to work in food service. I must have served over a thousand people their meal.

I was so enjoying being served that I wasn't paying attention to what President Obama was saying to me. I heard him clear his throat. I noticed he was waiting for an answer.

I said, "I'm sure you don't need my advice."

When I got home, I noticed that Yahoo News featured a story that said President Obama decided to change the name of our country to, "A Bunch of People Living Between Two Oceans."

The thing is, I would have said, "Great choice!"

Royally

I have a friendship with the ghost of Marie Antoinette. The first of every month we go out for ice cream sundaes at Farrell's Ice Cream Parlor. I take her there because she doesn't speak English and I don't speak French, so we just focus on the eating of desserts.

I also take her to Farrell's because it's an outrageous place with the flashing lights and singing waitstaff and this helps distract everyone from the lavish and antiquated outfits she wears from the late 1700s.

Last week, Marie Antoinette and I went to Farrell's for the very last time. Farrell's wouldn't let us in because of their new no ghost policy. Marie got angry and I think she threatened to haunt the place. Though I'm sure it would only add to the allure.

My girlfriend was happy to hear this. She was jealous of my friendship. But at the same time, she was partially to blame because of her lactose intolerance.

Have You Considered the Alternative?

I hung out with the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny was edgy. I asked what was up. The Easter Bunny told me it was hard to only have Easter to focus on. She needed a larger and more time consuming purpose.

I suggested perhaps going back to the simplicity of being a regular bunny. Then her days are mostly spent eating grass and people's gardens.

The Easter Bunny was adamant about having something important to do. I suggested the Easter Bunny was obsessed with self-image. It didn't seem to me that being the Easter Bunny was actually giving her personal satisfaction and joy.

The Easter Bunny broke down in tears and told me she hated eggs, and the infuriating process of dyeing and then hiding them. She disliked her image being formed into chocolate effigies. She confessed she wasn't even Catholic.

The Easter Bunny set fire to her egg carrying basket. She tore up her contract with Hershey's. She said from now on she would like to be called Prudence the Rabbit.

Liberty

I lost all my money, my car, and apartment.

So I went walking. Sidewalks are free and I had plenty of time.

I walked from Chicago to Philadelphia. I was excited. I'd never seen the liberty bell.

I walked till I found the liberty bell. It was a pretty big bell.

The liberty bell bell said, "Why so down and out?"

I said, "I haven't showered for ten days. I've been sleeping under trees. I've been eating grass from the side of the road. Actually, I think the salad diet has been good for me."

The liberty bell said, "Life moves in extremes. Pretty soon you'll be living in a penthouse in a golden tower, eating food cooked by top chefs, and sleeping in a king-sized bed with satin sheets."

I hugged the liberty bell.

The crack in the liberty bell split the rest of the way through the bell. The liberty bell cracked in two, both halves loudly hitting the ground.

I said, "I'm sorry."

The liberty bell said, "It's like I said."

Some Helpful Advice

I traveled back in time to yesterday. I caught up with myself having breakfast.

Yesterday's Me said, "To what do I owe this honor?"

Today's Me said, "Just visiting a friend."

Yesterday's Me said, "What should I know about today?"

Today's Me said, "Things will go good until you decide to take a drive through the country-side. While out and about you will pick up a hitch-hiking bear. The bear will tell you about a bee-hive he found while out looking for food."

Yesterday's Me said, "But I like bears."

Today's Me said, "I know, but the thing is he'll take the hive out from under his arm to show you, unplug it, and bees will fill your car."

Yesterday's Me said, "I was trying to avoid avoiding asking about your puffy-puffy face."

What to Eat?

I was walking through the woods when I got tangled up in a huge spider web. I looked up and saw a massive spider coming towards me. I felt like I was in one of those movies where spiders come into contact with radiation and grow to the size of a house.

At the last possible second, I said, "I'm not that tasty."

The spider stopped and said, "How do you know?"

I said, "I'm skinny. I imagine I'd be gristly."

The spider said, "I'm willing to take that chance."

I said, "Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you."

The spider opened its massive fangs. Just then a cow walked into the spider web. The spider looked at both of us.

The cow said, "Listen, I've heard that spiders are lactose intolerant."

Musically Speaking

I took a boat ride with the ghost of the composer Igor Stravinsky.

I said, "When I was an infant, my parents gave me a Sesame Street vibraphone. I used to bang away on it, and it must have sounded awful. I don't know how my parents survived."

Stravinsky said, "Everyone of us is born with innate musical talents. We express them as different tonal progressions of nature. A cacophony is simply an aspect of consciousness singing."

A duck approached our boat. The duck quacked away.

Stravinsky said, "I must be honest, I abhor quacking."

I said, "But you said that every sound is a note in the Universal Symphony."

Stravinsky said, "Yes, but that doesn't mean I have to like it."

Meander

David Bowie and I are part of a meandering club. We meet twice a month. We start walking, looking only at the ground, and keep going until we feel to stop and look around.

Recently we walked from New York City and kept going. Finally we decided to stop. We looked around and noticed that we were standing in the midst of a spring.

I said I felt a powerful warmth coming up from the water and invigorating me. David Bowie said the waters were making him remember being an infant, lying in his crib, with the sun's warmth on his body.

I noticed a young red-haired boy sitting on the bank with his feet in the spring. I asked him where we were. He said, "You're standing in God's healing springs of Blackville, South Carolina."

I asked him his name. He said, "Thomas Jefferson." I asked if he was The Thomas Jefferson. He said, "The one and only."

David Bowie said he felt like doing a cartwheel. He did a good one. I stood on my hands. I stayed aloft for half a minute!

The Clouds Part, The Sun Comes Out

My pet ladybug, Lady B., and I went for a walk in the field out behind my house.

Lady B. said, "I've wasted my life."

I said, "Why would you feel that way?"

Lady B. said, "I've done so very little."

I said, "Well, how much would you have to do to feel good about your life?"

Lady B. said, "A lot more than I've done."

I said, "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. You should know that I'm in awe of your shiny red shell. I could spend my whole life trying and never have one of those. Do you wax it?"

Lady B. said, "No, it's always been this way."

I said, "You are one lucky bug."

Lady B. held my hand tightly. She began to whistle.

Stop Making Sense

I had lunch with David Byrne.

David Byrne had potatoes ala Hindenburg. This is a delicious blend of red potatoes, spicy peppers, yak meat, and blue cheese. I had a bowl of oatmeal. When I eat with famous people, I don't want the food to distract me from me sitting across from them.

I asked David Byrne how he spends his days. He said that he likes to watch Shadow TV. It's a cable channel that has programs on the various expressions and manifestations of shadows. He liked how the Sun creates shadows by its mere presence, but it has no attachments to the shadows it manifests.

I said, I like to spend my days watering my backyard. I don't have any grass on the yard. So the watering creates a lot of mud. I like to then mold the mud into a miniature city. I create tiny mud people to live in the mud buildings and homes. I wait till the Sun dries the mud into hard earth. Then I paint the dirt people and buildings. I get out my keyboards and play a soundtrack for the city I created. The next day I begin all over again.

David Byrne was fascinated. He said my dedication to art was enthralling. I felt great.

The thing is, I made up everything I told David Byrne. I was intimidated by his history of creative exuberance. I didn't want to tell him that I sit around all morning waiting for the mail.

Understanding

I built a wishing well in my backyard. I threw in a quarter and made a wish.

The wishing well said, "I know you want me to be a wishing well, but I'm actually a duck pond."

I said, "It worked. I wished you'd just tell me what you wanted."

Back in Town

I arrived back in the USA today. I was greeted at the airport by a brass band and President Obama.

I said I was grateful but it was unnecessary.

President Obama said that things have been difficult for a while and he was looking for something easy to do that would be well received.

I still don't know why anyone would want to run for that office.

Travel Companion

I was walking through the Brazilian rain forest when I came upon a toucan.

I said, "I'm lost, can you help me?"

The toucan said, "I'll try. Where are you trying to get to?"

I said, "The Century movies theater in Evanston."

The toucan said, "What are you going to see?"

I said, "Fright Night."

The toucan said, "Can I come?"

I said, "Yes."

The toucan flew to my shoulder. We walked together for two days straight and we were still in the rain forest.

I said, "I think by the time we get there, it will no longer be showing."

The toucan said, "That's alright, nothing ever ends up as you imagined."

I got hungry and cooked and ate the toucan.

While At Church

I went to confession.

I said, "I don't believe in God."

The priest said, "That's not a problem. I don't believe either."

I asked, "Why are you a priest?"

He said, "I was unemployed and the church was hiring."

We sat in silence.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door to the confession booth. A voice said, "It's God. Can you hurry it up in there. I want my turn."

Some Things that Happened Today

I went to the zoo and saw a hippo.

The hippo said, "You know, from my perspective, I'm watching you."

I said, "Yeah, I know, but I was just hoping to make a friend."

The hippo unlatched its cage and invited me in. We went swimming in the hippo's pool. Afterwards we laid out in the sun to dry off.

I said, "I like your place."

The hippo said, "Do you want to be roommates?"

I said, "Okay."

Helpful Question

I'm in Brazil this week. I came for the "What? Are You Kidding Me?" convention. It's a new religion. Whenever you come across something overwhelming, rather than be depressed, you ask the question.

I asked WAYKM? yesterday when I was hiking through the rain-forest and came across a tiger. The tiger said, "No, seriously, I'm going to eat you."

Stuck

I went on a hike with the ghost of the inventor of the cotton gin, Eli Whitney.

I said, "What made you invent something that helped separate cotton from its seeds?"

Eli Whitney said, "It was never of any interest to me. But the idea suddenly came to my mind. I shared these imaginings with Ben Franklin. Franklin helped me design, manufacture and sell the cotton gin."

I said, "When I was a kid, I wanted to invent a bubble gum that wouldn't stick to the hair. I was heavily invested in a solution because I was constantly bullied in grade school. Bullies stuck wads of gum stuck in my hair. I got serious and set up a testing lab in my basement. I tried mixing gum with cooking oil in an attempt to make the gum non-sticky, but it made the gum too soft and unchewable. I gave up in frustration."

Eli Whitney said, "I think you were unsuccessful because of your great investment in the outcome. The greater the need, the more of a nemesis it becomes. I still to this day, don't give a whit about processing cotton."

We hiked for a while in silence. Eli Whitney noticed a wad of gum stuck to a rock.

Eli Whitney said, "I'm certain that rock feels your pain."

Substitute

Today I subbed for Speaker of the House, Congressman John Boehner. He had some family responsibilities today and asked me to step in for him.

So I got to sit up on the big chair in Congress. I had a gavel. I kept banging it. Finally security came and asked me to stop. I asked the security guard to just take it from me, otherwise it was too hard to not bang the gavel.

Then we had a meeting where we were supposed to cut a trillion dollars from the Federal Budget. No one came to any agreements, so I dismantled the Federal Government and had the State's become individual but friendly to each other countries.

Since the Federal Government was now no more, I called John Boehner and told him he didn't need to come back to work anymore. He said that was good because he was thinking seriously about opening a Sell It On E-Bay store.

Nevermind

I took a trip this weekend to the planet Zhor.

While walking around on Zhor, I ran into a Zhororian who was carrying a book called Better Late Than Dead! I asked to take a look. The book was filled with all of my blogs.

I said, "I wrote these."

The Zhororian said, "Good for you."

I said, "No, I just, I mean...Do you like the stories?"

The Zhororian said, "We read your book to learn English."

I said, "Great! And did you like what you read?"

The Zhororian said, "I don't understand what you mean."

Just then Zhor's sky burst into a melodious mixture of sounds and colors. The audible visions poured onto the ground. The colors sang and danced before us. The vibrating rainbows grabbed our hands and we sang and danced in a circle. The singing hues formed a wave, lifting myself and the Zhororian skywards.

We looked at each other. I said, "I can't remember what I asked you."

The Zhorarian said, "Why are you still talking?"

A Temporary Place of Quiet

I like to go to the north pole and sit down. It's so quiet there. Sure, it's cold. I wear two down jackets and many scarves and hats. But the peace of mind I get from being there makes it worth while.

One of my friends asked me how come I just don't live there. I tried, once. I moved all my stuff up to the north pole. I built a two story igloo. I even figured out how to get wi-fi access.

But after two weeks, I'd get anxious again and think, "What's the point?"

Oh, Hi!

I fell into a bottomless pit. The part that scared me the most was that I would never land. I get bored with the same thing. Sometimes five minutes of something is too much.

After a half hour of falling and fretting, I was distracted by a cow falling next to me.

I nodded at the cow. The cow nodded back to me.

It was nice to have the company.

Limelight

I was watching the sunset with the ghost of Charlie Chaplin.

Chaplin said, "I never get tired of seeing the sun go down."

I said, "I think if you weren't here, I'd be inside, surfing the internet."

Chaplin said, "What's the internet?"

I said, "It allows you to read and look at things with a backlight."

Chaplin, "Kind of like a movie for books?"

I said, "Not necessarily."

Chaplin said, "You look sad."

I said, "I'd rather want to watch the sun go down."

Chaplin put his arm around me. We watched the sun fade out on the horizon.

Ways to Expand the Military Budget

I helped the army create a new bomb. It drops from airplanes and is bulky and heavy and makes a lot of noise when it falls. The bomb also smokes and sparks. But there are no explosives in it.

The bombs only cost $37 a piece to make. I figured a plane could dump seventy-five of these bombs, one at a time. The first bomb will scare the people on the ground. When the bomb doesn't explode, people will assume the first bomb was a dud.

By the 25th bomb, people's nervousness fades and they question the bomb's explosive making capabilities. However there is still a worry that one of the heavy looking bombs might land on and hurt them.

With the 50th bomb, people are feeling compassionate for the bomb droppers ineptitude. Compassion removes fear and creates an openness of getting along.

As the 75the bomb drops, the people on the ground call the country whose bombs are dropping on them and ask, "Is everything okay?"

He's Right

I was tending the garden when I was joined by the ghost of famous astronomer Galileo Galilei.

Galileo said, "That's a healthy looking garden."

I said, "Thanks. I work hard at it. If I leave it alone for a day, it becomes a knotted nightmare."

Galileo said, "Anything we care about needs tending."

I said, "Sometimes tending is not enough. For instance, I sucked in science. I tried to study, but it was a miracle if I could get a D."

Galileo said, "Sucking at something is actually a progressive trait. It means you see things differently than the way everyone has up till now. The Catholic Church said I sucked when I said that the sun, not the earth, was the center of our universe."

I pulled up some weeds. Galileo handed me a bucket to put them in.

I said, "Thanks...Still, sucking, no matter how new and correct it may be, brings with it a significant dollop of punishment."

Galileo said, "Yes. But in the end, you share a room with only yourself, and you do best to not alienate such an intimate roommate."

I got out the hose and started to water the garden. For fun I sprayed water on Galileo. The water went right through him.

Nothing's Perfect

I did my set last night at Lollapalooza. There were 85,000 people in the audience. I'm troubled that people came just because of the monkey. That's the curse of being an organ grinder.

Remorse

As I left NYC this morning, Mayor Bloomberg met me at the city limits. He asked me if I had a good time. I asked him what was really up. Mayor Bloomberg started to cry and asked me not to leave. I said he should have told me that sooner, that I'd made other plans and had to go.

I felt badly for being harsh with Mayor Bloomberg. I have a hard time with crying adults. I think it might be a reminder of some tears I have backed up in me.

Granted

I went to Grant's tomb. I knocked. The door opened. The ghost of President U.S. Grant answered. I asked if he had a few minutes to spare. Grant said he did and invited me in. We sat down at a small table and chairs set up next to his coffin.

I said, "It seems like most ghosts like to travel around. How come you remain in your tomb?"

Grant said, "I traveled so often when I was alive that I appreciate this rest."

I said, "As a general, do you think war is unavoidable?"

Grant said, "War is part of life. People don't always get along. Sometimes it's a squabble between a couple. Sometimes it's a bigger one between two countries."

I said, "If you were alive now, what would you do?"

Grant said, "I'd be a pastry chef. I love pastries. The thing is, they only taste exceptional when they are right out of the oven. If you are a consumer, that's hard to come by. If you're a chef, you're the first in line."

Small Talk

I was standing at the corner of Amsterdam and 97th in NYC waiting for the light to change. I looked over and saw a cop sitting on a police horse. I nodded to the police horse.

I said, "How's it goin'?"

The police horse said, "The things I've seen."

I said, "You should write a book."

The police horse said, "That's what people tell me."

Hanging Out in Central Park

I was sitting on a rock in Central Park when a forest sprite showed up.

The forest sprite said, "Hello."

I said, "Hi."

Suddenly a dog came from over the hill, ran up and bit the forest sprite. The forest sprite got angry, took out a wand and zapped the dog into nothingness.

I said, "I wish I had a wand like that."

The forest sprite said, "I know, it's pretty nice."

The Only Way to Travel?

I got on my wagon to ride to New York City. I prefer riding with a horse and wagon because it allows me to travel and not have to leave my horse behind. My horse is my best friend. We go to movies together. We love spending time at the water park.

My horse doesn't mind pulling the wagon. I travel light. I only bring my suitcase, my popcorn popper, and my pine cone collection.

To be fair, occasionally I pull the wagon. But my horse gets anxious and says I'm going too slow. That's usually when I wish I'd taken a plane.

It's a Sensitive World

Saturday said, "I give up."

I said, "What are you going to do with your time?"

Saturday said, "Finger paint."

I said, "But you have no fingers."

Saturday looked off into the distance and began to cry. It's hard to go through an entire day without hurting someone.

It's Not Important

It was early. The sun was just rising. But then the sun stopped halfway.

I said to the sun, "Excuse me, but is something the matter?"

The sun said, "I think I forgot something."

I said, "What was it?"

The sun said, "I don't remember."

I said, "Then you probably didn't need it anyway."

The sun said, "You're right" and continued its advance to the noon day position.

What's Real?

I had lunch with former CBS News anchorman Dan Rather. I told him that I don't care for the news. I said real life means nothing to me. I like the make believe.

He told me then that I should love the news. He said most of it was made up. The Watergate break-in and hearings was a sketch that Dan Rather co-wrote with then President Nixon. Nixon was bored with the day to day goings on in the White House and wanted to spice things up.

Dan Rather said that the Vietnam war was completely made up. He and some of his journalist friends wanted to spend some time in Asia. The falling of the Berlin Wall was something Walter Cronkite came up with when he was having renovation work done on his home. The 2000 U.S. Presidential Election chad chaos was an idea NBC's Brian Williams came up with when he was standing in line at the DMV.

I asked Dan Rather what was actually true on the news. He said the water-skiing squirrel. Dan Rather said no one could have written something that good.

Wishing

I sat out on the hill with Winnie the Pooh.

Pooh said, "Oh, I wish I had some honey."

I said, "But you're a stuffed doll and have no needs for sustenance."

Pooh said, "A wish isn't a need. A wish is something your mind invents and shows you with great gusto and relish."

I said, "I wish I had a full head of hair."

Pooh said, "Great Expectations magazine said that the majority of women desire a bald man. A shiny head instills confidence."

Prophecy Fullfilled

The ghost of General and U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower joined me for my morning walk.

I said, "Did you enjoy being a general?"

Eisenhower said, "I don't much remember that time of my life. Often I reminisce about meals that I've eaten. I'm enthralled with a beef brisket I ate while in France during World War II."

I said, "Lately I've been thinking about a fight I got into with Jimmy Harper when I was in fifth grade. He punched me in the stomach. I literally couldn't breath for ten seconds!"

Eisenhower said, "Then there was the savory Chicken a la King that was served one night at the White House for a dinner with the Shah of Iran. My mouth is watering as I speak of it."

I said, "I also remember getting into a fight when I was an adult. I was 25 and dressed in a suit. Charles Mounts kept picking on me, so I punched him in the chest. He left me alone after that. But unfortunately so did everyone else in the office."

Eisenhower cried and said, "When I was six, I fell down and skinned my knees. My mother brought me in to the kitchen and made me an egg creme. The sweet taste soothed away my tears."

I said, "When I was eleven, I played the Game of Life with my friend Dan Ryder. I was losing. It was hard because it was one of those games that once you get behind, you can never catch up and win. I got angrier and angrier. Finally I flipped the board in the air and all the pieces went flying. Dan said what I did was unfair. I said it was allowed in the directions. We couldn't find the directions, so we had to write to Milton-Bradley to get a new copy. Six weeks later the directions arrived. Dan read them and pointed out that there was no mention of it being okay to flip the board in the air. I pointed out that in the real game of life, there are no directions. We can do whatever we feel like. Dan said I was right, but living that way will leave me friendless, with no one but the spirits to converse with."

Eisenhower said, "Your friend was right."

Difficulty at New Job

I took a job as the editor for the New York Times. It was difficult at first because I don't like wearing a tie. I told them this and they said it was a requirement. I said as a living creature, I think we're pre-disposed to not want to tie a noose around our necks. They suggested I write about this for my first editorial.

Where I Got My Start

I traveled back in time to the moment of my conception. I found myself standing outside a car as my mom and dad made out inside the car. It was awkward.

The car was shaking. My parents sounded like they were lifting weights. Then the shaking and their sounds stopped.

I heard my mom gasp. She said something that I couldn't make out. My dad unrolled the window.

My dad said, "What are you doing?! Get the hell out of here!!"

My dad sounded scared. It can be very scary when you're naked because of the increased vulnerability.

I said, "You don't recognize me. You will. But not yet."

My dad was quiet and reflective. It's said that when we procreate, a piece of us is in what's born.

First Tan

I was laying out in my back yard, getting a tan next to the ghost of George Washington. It's so weird seeing a former founding father president in his bathing suit. It almost looked like his body was photo-shopped to his head.

George Washington said that he never had a tan before. He asked how long it would take. I said judging by the extreme paleness of his body, he would look like a tomato in a few minutes. He said, "Most dandy!"

My next door neighbor joined us. She's pretty cute. George Washington started hitting on her. She ignored him. I thought if she knew who he actually was, she might be interested. I felt that way last week when the ghost of Susan B. Anthony made a pass at me.

You Try to Do the Best You Can

I decided to build myself a house. I bought a lot of bricks, cement, wood and nails. I didn't create a blueprint. I like to work intuitively.

It took two weeks. When it was done, I moved my family into our new home.

They weren't comfortable at first. I forgot to buy glass for windows, so the open spaces let in wind, rain, cold and various animals. I did what I read in a relationship book, which was to listen to my family's complaints, and then repeat back what they said so they felt heard. It made things okay for a little while.

But then one night my wife was attacked by a mosquito swarm and she was so upset she took our kids and moved into a hotel. I tried repeating back what she said over the phone, but she hung up.

I sat by myself in my house.

I said, "Well, it looks like it's just you and me."

The house said, "Oh, geez"and caved in on itself. I was spared because an open space landed around me.

I left and went to the hotel where my family was staying. I crawled in bed next to my wife. I put my arm around her. I fell asleep.

Mistook

I went to the zoo. I went to the muskrat cage. The muskrat looked at me glumly.

I said, "Is it hard to live in a zoo? I mean do you wish you were out in the wild?"

The muskrat said, "I don't know the wild. I've never lived outside of the zoo."

So I broke open the muskrat's cage, went in and grabbed the muskrat, and snuck the muskrat out to my car.

We went to a McDonald's drive in. I got three orders of fries. I handed them to the muskrat who ate them and then threw up in my car. The muskrat apologized. I felt badly. Sometimes I think I know what's best for someone else, but I'm often wrong.

Ulterior Motives

I went to see the Harry Potter movie with the Dalai Lama.

As the movie started, the D. Lama said, "These movies are about breaking the barriers we place on our souls."

I said, "Maybe, but I really like the air conditioning."

The Thing Is...

I was tired of driving, so I parked, got out, and climbed onto a low flying cloud. The thing is, clouds are puffy and soft, so you don't want to get off. I rode for a while.

The cloud stopped over Antarctica. The cloud broke apart as it snowed. I fell. The thing is, snow drifts are soft but not that soft, so it hurt when I landed.

I got up and walk around. I shivered. I found some penguins and got between them for warmth. The thing is, penguins are like portable room heaters that are not adjustable, so I started to sweat. I pushed the penguins away to cool down, and I turned into an ice cube.

Time passed. Months. Soon came the spring thaw. I was able to move again. I walked to a service road. I hitched a ride with a park ranger. The thing is, they rarely see people, so the park ranger wouldn't stop talking, and it gave me a headache.

The park ranger dropped me off at the boat dock and I got a ride from a barge heading to South America. On arriving, I caught a flight back to Chicago. Once there, I took a cab to my car. The thing is, if you leave your car sitting for a long time, the fluids get dank, and it can become hard to start your car. I called a tow truck. They brought my car to the shop, and six hours and $2,406 later I got in and drove home.

The thing is, it's easy to put things in perspective over time, but this never helps you in the moment when you most need it.

Where I Cane To

I got in my canoe in the waters off of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, to begin my attempt to cross the Atlantic Ocean. There was no fanfare to send me off. That's probably because I didn't tell anyone I was going to do it. I tend to be private.

Within a few hours I looked back and could no longer see the coast. This gave me confidence. I looked down at my supplies: a compass, fifteen packs of Twizzlers, a fishing pole, a toaster oven, a mini-generator, and a water purifier. I was especially proud that I didn't bring my cell phone. I needed a break from checking email.

A few days later, I took a break from rowing and laid back in the canoe. I saw a pack of sea-gulls. The sea-gulls flew down and landed in the water next to me. One of the sea-gulls told me they noticed my compass. They were trying to find Aruba and were lost and wanted my help. I pointed them in the direction of south-west. They appreciated my help. Then they asked me for some Twizzlers. I gave them a pack. They partook and then flew off.

I'm impatient, so let's skip ahead 57 days. I spotted land. I rowed till I reached the beach. I got out. Off in the distance I noticed an elderly lady sitting on a bench. I walked over to her.

I said, "Excuse me, ma'am. But do you know where I am?"

The elderly lady said, "No, I'm sorry but I don't."

I looked around and saw nothing but open space. There were no roads or buildings.

I said, "What are you waiting for?"

The elderly lady said, "Nothing."

I sat down on the bench next to her.

Helpful Tip

I got hit by lightening. It hurt. I yelled at the lightening. The lightening apologized. I realized the lightening couldn't help it and said don't worry about it. The lightening struck me again.

Basically I just need to stay indoors during a thunderstorm.

New Found Friends

The power was out. I lit a candle and sat on the couch in my living room. I thought, "Finally, some quiet time."

But it was not to be.

A gathering of mice and rats soon appeared in my living room. It seemed to me that they do this every night when I go to sleep. The lights were out and they assumed it was business as usual.

I cleared my throat and introduced myself. The rats and mice began to scatter but I implored them to stay. I mentioned that I like animals and mean them no harm. The rats and mice calmly returned.

I momentarily excused myself and went to the kitchen and took out of the refrigerator a big hunk of mozzarella cheese. I sliced the cheese up into small bits, put them on a plate, and brought the cheese to the living room for my new friends and I to enjoy.

While we feasted, we shared stories. One of the rats told a harrowing tale of being chased and cornered by the neighbor's persian cat. The rat asked for one last wish, which the persian cat granted. The rat asked for a kiss from the persian cat's lips. The cat was stunned, but acquiesced . They kissed. It was a passionate embrace that lasted for minutes. Neither wanted the kiss to end. Finally when it did, the persian cat declared it had lost the desire to eat the rat.

I made a joke that would a similar situation ensue if the mozzarella cheese could speak. No one laughed.

Reverence For Life

I was changing the oil in my car when the ghost of famous philosopher Albert Schweitzer stopped by.

Albert Schweitzer said, "Changing the oil in my Model T always brought me great solace from the pressures of my work day."

I said, "It's funny that you felt pressure being a philosopher. I thought philosophy was supposed to be a way to introduce and extend peace of mind into our daily lives."

Albert Schweitzer said, "Alas, we chase the elusive quietude that is so silent it remains undiscovered."

I said, "I always feel good putting my hand on my girlfriend's ass. What more is there?"

Albert Schweitzer said, "I once went on a date with Betty Grable. I lost all composure and acted as if I were a gibbon in heat. In the midst of my embarrassment with my animal nature, I suddenly was entranced and overcome by the peace that surpasseth all understanding."

I removed the oil filter and warm and dirty oil flowed out onto the oil pan below.