Helping a Season

Last night I got a phone call from Winter.

I said, "You sound down. What's going on?"

Winter said, "I think people don't like me."

I said, "Why would you say that?"

Winter said, "No one's there to greet me when I show up. When Spring arrives, people are smiling and dancing. But when I come, nothing. If someone happens to notice me as I come into town, they give me the meanest looks. Last year a preschool kid gave me the finger."

I said, "I read in Psychology Today that we're fools if we let people's current mood rule our self worth. If someone is feeling crappy inside, that's what they're going to offer up to us."

Winter said, "Well, are you happy when I come around?"

I said, "No, I'm not. But I'm innately crabby. Last week I found a ten dollar bill on the ground and I worried that maybe a dog had peed on it."

Learning About the Two

I've never had a belief in God or the Devil. I've certainly heard of these gentlemen. My parents on a whim decided to go to a church when I was five and it was here that we learned of the Cosmic Duo.

It was a little hard for me to focus because there were no cartoons to go along with the stories. Just a man standing behind a podium talking in a sort of sing-song downtrodden cadence. I sensed there was a seriousness to what he had to say, but not in the same way as if a dog got lose and was biting everyone.

The strangest thing was I got a feeling that I had done something wrong. I'd never had this experience before. Previously sometimes I'd do something and was punished. But I felt that was just what happened when certain things were done.

I felt uncomfortable and asked my parents if we could leave. They were feeling the same way and we got up to leave. The priest pointed us out to everyone and questioned our decision. We outsmarted the priest when we said we needed to use the restroom.

Made In India

I have a red shirt that I love. It was stitched for me by Gandhi. My parents were friends with him. Gandhi was at my christening. He was so taken by me that he said, "I'm gonna stitch this lad a shirt!"

The thing is the next day Gandhi was shot and he was rushed to the hospital. My parents went to see him. They brought me with them. Gandhi was touched we were there. My asked how Gandhi how he was doing. He said that it looked like he would die. They then asked about the shirt.

The thing is, my parents are direct and honest. They don't keep things in. When I was born, I cried, and they asked me, "Are you going to be doing this crying thing a lot, because it's bothering us." I said, "I'm sorry, I'll stop."

Gandhi didn't take it personally. He knew my parents. He asked that red fabric, thread and a needle be brought in. With great pain he finished my shirt. My parents thanked Gandhi, he said 'you're welcome' and then he died.

I still have the shirt. My dog Rexy wears it now. She loves it!

In Line

I'm waiting in line outside K-Mart. I figure there are about five-hundred of us so far. It's fair to say we're all excited about the Black Friday sales that are awaiting us inside.

I'm mostly excited about the Sunbeam Toaster. It toasts six slices at a time. It normally sells for $39.99. I'm hoping it's going for $5. My wife is in line with me. She doesn't understand my passion for the toaster. She says, "Why the hell do you want to waste your money on that damn toaster!? We only eat two slices between us!" But I like to have the option. What's a man without his freedom to choose?

My wife's hoping Homeline's Do-It-All Iron is up for a major price reduction. It irons clothes, as well as heats water for tea, cooks brussel sprouts, and aroma-therapies the air. She's got last year's model which doesn't cook brussel sprouts and she wants to upgrade. I told her, "What the hell, we don't eat brussel sprouts!" She yelled back at me, "We don't now, but what if we change our mind?!" I said, "You gotta know what you stand for!"

We haven't spoken to each other since the argument. That was about nine hours ago. I'm hoping she apologizes soon because we're going to need to operate as a team when the doors open in five hours.

Gratitude List

I made my annual list of things I'm thankful for:

1. eggs

2. The eventual invention of plants that don't need to be watered.

3. My talking cat that doesn't live with me. She calls me from a pay phone every few weeks. I'm thankful because I'm allergic to cats.

4. The G.I. Joes I've owned since I was five. They now have gray hair, their plastic has cracked in places, and they don't feel much like any kind of adventure. They are my Dorian Gray surrogates.

5. I'm not in any kind of math class.

6. My sofa that was once owned by Chairman Mao. He only bought quality things and took care of them.

Cemented

I have a job where I pour cement. I'm especially good at making sidewalks. I have so much pride that I stay at the job site after I punch the clock. I want to defend the sidewalk from squirrels and kids. Squirrels unknowingly lay tracks. Kids knowingly sign their names.

Last night this kid came towards my sidewalk with a stick in hand. He didn't see me sitting in my car. I shined my headlights at him. The kid froze. I got on my car p.a. and said, "Drop the stick!" The kid was too nervous to loosen his grip.

I got out of my car and walked up to the kid.

I said, "I'm sorry, son, but I can't let you write on my sidewalk."

The kid looked beyond me and grimaced. I turned around and saw a squirrel putting all four of its paws deep in the still wet cement. The squirrel look at me and shrugged.

The squirrel said, "But it feels soooo good."

Resolution of Days

Sunday told me that it wanted to be Friday. Sunday was tired of people's whining about the weekend being too short and grumbling about having to go back to work on Monday.

So I called Friday. Friday was bitching to me about how it wasn't an important day. Everyone was relieved it was the end of the work week and they didn't do their best. Plus it was hard to be around so many drunk people.

I told Friday about Sunday's desire. Friday got excited and asked me to get Sunday on the phone. I conference called in Sunday. Sunday and Friday agreed to switch.

After I got off the phone I listened to a message from Wednesday. Wednesday told me it's tired of being called the Hump Day. It wants to stop being a day altogether and would like to be an oak tree.

More...

I got into a big argument with Monday. There were a lot of accusations and recriminations. In the end we couldn't remember what we were fighting about and we decided to enjoy the rest of the day.

Gentle Wood

I have a guitar made of balsa wood. I have to play it gently because too much of a chord could snap the guitar in two.

Why would I buy something so fragile?

I like that I can hold it with one finger. It reminds me of model airplanes I used to make when I was a kid. My brother-in-law owns the company and no had bought one yet.

Another helpful point is birds are averse to it. Previously a blue-jay built a home in my Gretsch New Yorker and laid eggs. It muffled the sound and made it unpleasant to play. Though it was nice to hear the baby birds tweet along.

Hanging Out With History

This morning I was awoken by sounds in my kitchen. I went downstairs and came upon the ghost of President Rutherford B. Hayes washing my dishes. Ghosts like to do helpful chores. It's part of their, "Let's Not Scare Them Campaign."

I recognized President Hayes by his long beard. I was kind of dumb kid in school and I could only memorize shapes and colors. I once got an A+ on my Biology class Name The Fruit test.

I said hello to President Hayes. We got to talking and I said, "I'm sorry, but I don't know anything about what you did as President of the United States."

President Hayes said, "There wasn't much to remember. The President had very little power back then. I do remember declaring Thursday as chocolate pudding day at the White House."

Then he showed me a photo of he, pre-beard, and his wife Lucy. I scanned it so I could show it to you.


President Rutherford met Lucy at a Porcupine Rescue Shelter. Back in the mid 1800s dogs had yet to be invented. The most popular pets were porcupines.

I asked if porcupines made for difficult pets because of their sharp flying quills. President Hayes said, "Everything is inherent with calamity."

Solutions!!

This morning I came downstairs and saw a mouse laying on its back eating the last bits of my big wheel of cheese. The mouse smiled at me and patted its rotund stomach.

There's something about food that breeds confidence. I remember being bullied by Mark Wanner when I was in grade school. He'd beat the crap out of me everyday after school. It made me so crazy that one day I broke into the lunch room refrigerator and ate an entire bucket of lasagna sauce. I left the school to walk home and there was Mark. This time I was filled to the brim with invincibility. I went right up to Mark and socked him in the jaw, laying him flat. Leah Shields saw the whole thing, came up to me, took my arm and let me walk her home. Leah and I made out in front of her house while her stunned grand parents watched from the living room window. I went home and told my parents I was through with doing chores, but they still had to pay my allowance, and they agreed. That night I went to bed without saying my prayers and God showed up and asked me for some things.

So I ignored the mouse. But then my cat came down the stairs and ate the mouse. It's good to have a couple sources of power.

Traditionally Spirited

I rarely get drunk. It's every other November 15th. Last night I was out at Dinker's Pub in Evanston. I had a pitcher of beer. The thing is I don't like the taste of beer. So I had the bartender add half a bottle of grenadine syrup. I drank the pitcher, got up on the bar, took off my shirt, and started singing, "Nightspots" by the Cars.

could be you're crossing the fine line
a silly driver, kinda off the wall
you keep it cool when it's t-t-tight
eyes wide open when you start to fall

I fell off the bar and passed out. I woke up in the Evanston Police department's drunk tank. A large drunk woman had her arm around me and sang Strangers in the Night. I wish I liked Frank Sinatra. It would make moments like this easier.

I used my free call and called my doctor. He came and told the police I wasn't drunk, but in a hypoglycemic blood sugar free fall from the grenadine. I was released. I'm so glad that I finally got health insurance.

Inheriting an Inventor's Legacy

My great great great grandfather, Leonard Palmer, invented Leap Frog. At one point no one played leap frog, then along came Leonard. He was an innovator. I'm told Leonard invented Leap Frog at the age of four. He was also co-writer of Patty Cake. He came up with that when he was nine. From that point on there were a lot of expectations placed on Leonard to always be great. The pressure was too much and he developed a debilitating addiction to Clark Stanley's Snake Oil Lineament.

Leonard spent ages 10 to 21 in state mental institutions. It was during this emotional incarceration that he invented Radium. Upon release Leonard sold the Radium formula to Andrew Carnegie, which lead to A. Carnegie's Fine Products brand radium-based baby food.

My parents wanted me to follow in Leonard's footsteps. They enrolled me in Bickman's Pre-School for Advanced Toddlers. Bickman's felt that if you relentlessly poked and prodded a youngster's proclivity for making things up, he would actually come up with something useful. I came up with Bayer's Children's Aspirin as a result of the incessant headaches I developed while enrolled at Bickman's.

Do the Hip Shake Baby

It's been a pretty busy ghosty week. Today on my morning lake walk I came upon the ghost of Slim Harpo. Sometimes I wonder if they come looking for me or I for them. I've been singing Shake Your Hips all week.

I said, "Slim, now that you're dead, do you still sing your songs?"

Slim said, "I don't sing them, but I think them. When you're dead, your thoughts are at the volume of spoken words."

I said, "Sometimes I wonder if I'm dead because I have that experience now."

Slim said, "Well, let me ask you this, why do you think is it that you keep seeing ghosts on a regular basis?"

I said, "Oh."

Slim started to sing and I joined in:

What you don't know
don't be afraid
just listen to me
and do what I say
Don't move your head
don't move your hands
don't move your lips
just shake your hips

Humbling

I woke up at 4 am and saw the ghost of Miguel de Cervantes standing at the foot of my bed looking back at me.

Ghosts don't sleep. I think when you're dead you're so relaxed that there's no need for rest. The ease of the ghosts comes from knowing you can't be killed. As humans we're constantly over concerned that every little thing could kill us. That squirrel could chew out my neck. What if I swallowed my spoon? The sun could hiccup and reduce me to ash.

The wide awake Cervantes said, "I'm no beauty to the beholder's eye, though the moon light renders me palatable."

I love wit. I'm certain it's better than Vitamin C.

I said, "Mount Parnassus once uttered to the Earth, 'I hope I'm not crushing your leg.'"

Cervantes had no reaction. It's so easy to feel like an idiot around your icons.

A Matter of Time

The ghost of Alice Hathaway Lee Roosevelt, the wife of President Teddy Roosevelt, came by to visit this morning. She was deeply sad.

I said, "What's wrong Alice?"

Alice said, "I don't know. I guess, I've never gotten over my death at the age of 22."

I said, "When was that?"

Alice said, "1887."

I said, "That happened so long ago that it never actually happened."

I went online and showed her the Ortega Documents. This is research that was done at Harvard University by Dr's. Melanie Ortega and Nathan Gist in 2004. This hypothesized and proved that an event changes over time. A person experiences an event, and the normal wear and tear of the mind over time alters the memory of the event. But the person experiences the changed memory as the original event. It's like a painting that upon completion is taken outdoors and is hung up on a tree by the painter. Rain, the sun, squirrels, snow, accumulated dust and the normal deterioration of the paint and canvass render the painting unrecognizable from the day it was created. But the painter walks past the painting experiencing her art as "this is how it looked when I originally painted it."

Alice said, "Strangely, I feel better."

I said, "And you look great!"

Alice smiled. I took her photo with my special ghost camera.

Reunited

I lost touch with the times and couldn't get back in sync. As usual I got in my time machine. I set the destination dial for 1,000,000 years ago and traveled back. I got out and took in the vast treeless region. I adored the openness, the lack of buildings and people.

Everyone I knew was dead because they had yet to be born. It was funny that I could think of them when they hadn't been created. I felt like an author.

I looked down and saw a glob of slime. I was meeting my ancestors. I remember my physics teacher in high school saying, "Everything has simple beginnings." Then I thought, "With development comes complexity comes difficulty." I wondered if it was possible to have the simple awareness of the glob and be a standing human.

Then I noticed the slime rubbing affectionately against my foot. I picked up the slime and hugged it. The glob vibrated. I cried.

I got back in the time machine with the slime in my jacket pocket and came back to this now. The primordial slime and I have been inseparable since. Last night we saw Secretariat together. We loved it even though we knew ahead of time that Secretariat would win the Triple Crown.

Going With the Flow

Last night I was playing blackjack at the Golden Horseshoe Casino in Council Bluff, Iowa. I was in the hole about $8000. I didn't want to stop and then have to go out to the car and deal with my dog, Rexy. He can smell when I lose and won't stop barking at me. I can't believe I thought that having a smart dog that can speak English would be a good thing!

I was down to my last dollar. I'd already prayed to God with the promise that if I won big I would stop gambling (not including the lottery, and not including gambling because I'm okay with God being upset at me). I figured, "What, the hello!" I went to the slots area and put the dollar in a Wheel of Fortune machine. I lost.

I took the dour walk to my car. Rexy saw me and started barking like crazy. I went the other way till I got to the freeway and hitchhiked. I got picked up by a trucker heading to Canada.

The trucker said, "Can I tell you about Jesus?"

I said, "No, I'm Jewish."

The trucker said, "Christ was a Jew."

I said, "Sure."

Remembering My Birth Day

When I was born I was five years old. The doctor had never seen anything like it before. I came out speaking. I said, "Hi, I'm Brooks." I must have learned from listening through the womb.

My parents were a little upset because they had spent a lot of money on the crib and diapers. But I think they were also a little relieved at not having to raise an infant.

I remember my mom smoking during the delivery. Doctors recommended it because it helped relieve the labor tensions. I remember it was one of those menthol cigarettes. Those were considered extra healthy.

Falling to Pieces

Things were difficult. I would play my guitar and the neck would break. I wasn't even playing the guitar that hard. The thing is, you can't nail a neck back on a guitar. You need a new one.

Within two months I went through 33 guitars. I'd used up my savings and maxed out my credit cards. I wanted another guitar, but had no way of acquiring one. I was pretty down in the mouth.

Then I read a fortune cookie which said, "Everything around you will crumble. But that's what things do. It's a crumbly world."

I felt better. I left the restaurant and broke into millions of pieces onto the sidewalk. Each part of me looked back at the other parts. I thought, "I'm a kaleidoscope!!"

You Decide

I went back to waiting tables. I got a job at Ulner's Cafe. It's one of the new You Decide restaurants. There's no menu. I come to your table and ask, "What do you want?"

Last Friday a guy said, "I want the baby food my mom served me when I was two." I left and drove west for a half hour till I got to the house my customer grew up in. I got out the portable time machine that the restaurant lent me. I traveled back to the morning of 37 years ago. My customer's mom was spoon feeding him Gerber's apple preserves. I excused myself and grabbed the spoon and jar of preserves and then traveled back to last Friday. I drove back to the restaurant and spoon fed the baby food to my client. He wept like a baby.

Bowditch!

The ghost of Nathaniel Bowditch came by last night. He had one hand on his heart and held the other hand aloft and declared, "I'm Nathaniel Bowditch!" People from long ago have a strong presentational way of talking. I think it's because they didn't have TV or the internet and so they felt good about themselves.

I said, "I'm sorry, but I don't know who you are."

Nathaniel Bowditch said, "Oh, that's okay. Few do. In the early 1800's I was intensely interested in the mathematics involved in celestial navigation. I used to set sail in the middle of the night with nothing but my protractor. I used my discoveries to write 'The American Practical Navigator' which became a bestseller and later was developed into a play that made a star of a young John Wilkes Booth."

The Natural Flow of Events - Part One

Yesterday afternoon I found out that my book, "A Life Full of Ghosts: My Encounters With the Once Living But Still Somehow Living" was being published by Random House.

The ghost of Frances Hodgson Burnett came by to congratulate me. She's the author of "Little Lord Fauntleroy". Frances said, "Men are so shallow...but what's adverse makes them beneficial authors because they can so easily pull from life's muck." I like how the really good authors make books out of sentences.

The Natural Flow of Events - Part Two

Last night Jesus appeared floating over my bed. He was illuminated from within. I mostly wondered how he was able to do that. I thought maybe he used glow cream. That would make sense since he wanted me to see him. Otherwise he would have put in all that effort and gone unnoticed.

Jesus said, "Seriously, the 'how' is unimportant. I've come to bring you a message."

I said, "Could you just sit on my bed? Looking at you like this is making me dizzy."

Jesus said, "I'm sorry. For some reason I can only appear like this. It's not easy for me either."

I said, "Okay, well, what's so important?"

Jesus said, "...Um, that's weird. I forgot...I'm very sorry."

I wanted to get angry at him, but then, he's Jesus, so I said, "That's okay. It's nice that you came by."

The Natural Flow of Events - Part Three

I woke up in tears. I didn't know why. The thing is I destroyed my pillow. It was drenched and smelled like stuff left in the washer overnight. The crying helped me get over that.

Digging In the Dirt

I get bored easily. Last night I felt so antsy that I dug a hole in my living room floor. Initially it was difficult because the floor is made of concrete. I went through three shovels. I finally felt good about the bulk shovel purchase I made at Costco last year.

I soon got to the dirt and things went fast. Within hours I figured I was at the center of the Earth. There were lava and dinosaurs everywhere. I was so angry at myself for not bringing my camera phone.

Empathy

I went out this morning to catch the bus to work. As I waited at the bus stop, a deer came up next to me. I didn't say anything at first. Not because it was a special moment and I was afraid to disturb it, but I'm socially awkward. Spoken words often betray me.

The deer said, "Dammit, I wish I'd gotten here earlier. I'm running late. How much longer till the bus comes?"

I said, "Um, I don't know, I hope, well...you know...soon."

A few minutes went by. The deer said, "This is bullshit. I'm walking." The deer went on its way.

The bus came a few minutes later. I got on the bus. We passed the deer. The deer seemed really angry and yelled something at the bus.

I felt badly for the deer. I think I'm too sensitive.