I walked by a church this morning. The sign outside said the sermon was, "God Loves You. Stopping Trying to Break Up With Him." I went in.
The priest was going on and on about how we are constantly thwarting the good things that God tries to give to us.
I raised my hand. The priest was taken aback. He kept talking though. So I stood up and cleared my throat and waved my hand above my head.
The priest finally said, "What?"
I said, "I like God. I don't appreciate your inferences."
The priest said, "You must have read the sign outside. You knew what this sermon was about. Why did you bother to come in?"
I said, "You're right. Sorry."
I left and went for a walk. I thought, "Why do I sometimes get myself involved in unnecessary chaos?"
Just then God showed up next to me.
God said, "You're my wind up toy. You go where I wish."
Sunday, October 31, 2010
One Solution Leads to Another
I asked God to make me wealthy. I won the lottery. I spent all my winnings on toilet paper. I hate when I run out.
Friday, October 29, 2010
The Embarasements Never End
The ghost of President U.S. Grant stopped by late this morning. I was in awe. Some Presidents are okay. They seem just like any other guy except they're dressed nice. But Grant left me speechless. I'm sure my girlfriend would say that's because I'm empathetic since he died of throat cancer.
But he's GRANT. I'm a hopeless fan. The worst part of going gaga with a celebrity is the awkwardness they feel. What do you do with a person who stares at you and drools? I looked away so I could get some bearings and stop being an insaniac.
I said, "Damn, these allergies!"
President U.S. Grant said, "When hayfever kicked me in the arse, I soaked skunkweed over night in whiskey, and in the morning drank nature's medicine. I could smell an tick's fart down in Alabamy."
But he's GRANT. I'm a hopeless fan. The worst part of going gaga with a celebrity is the awkwardness they feel. What do you do with a person who stares at you and drools? I looked away so I could get some bearings and stop being an insaniac.
I said, "Damn, these allergies!"
President U.S. Grant said, "When hayfever kicked me in the arse, I soaked skunkweed over night in whiskey, and in the morning drank nature's medicine. I could smell an tick's fart down in Alabamy."
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Change!
I was thinking that my life was an automatic routine. So two nights ago I closed my eyes, went outside and and walked. I set a timer for 18 hours. I heard it takes doing something 18 hours for a change to occur. That's how long it took for Thomas Jefferson to write the Declaration of Independence, and for Hitler to invade Poland in 1938.
The blind walk was a little difficult at first because it hurt when I walked into a tree or phone pole. I ended up walking slower so it didn't hurt as much.
Finally the timer went off. I opened my eyes. I was at the North Pole. Next to the pole was a polar bear.
The polar bear said, "Hey."
I said, "Hello."
The polar bear said, "I'm going to eat you."
I said, "I know."
The blind walk was a little difficult at first because it hurt when I walked into a tree or phone pole. I ended up walking slower so it didn't hurt as much.
Finally the timer went off. I opened my eyes. I was at the North Pole. Next to the pole was a polar bear.
The polar bear said, "Hey."
I said, "Hello."
The polar bear said, "I'm going to eat you."
I said, "I know."
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Secret Revealed
I eat candy slowly. I like to take my time. I have a piece of peppermint candy in my mouth that I've been sucking on for two years. It's between my upper jaw and my cheek. It's kind of like a room deodorizer. It's flavor is always wafting through my mouth.
My girlfriend wonders how come my breath is always fresh. I don't want to explain the constant candy. People like to believe things are magic. They don't want to see what's behind the scenes.
My girlfriend wonders how come my breath is always fresh. I don't want to explain the constant candy. People like to believe things are magic. They don't want to see what's behind the scenes.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
The Morning, So Far
I couldn't get out of bed. My dog tried to inspire me by pulling the sheets off the bed. I tried to hold onto the sheets, but it's hard when the other person is using their teeth. A jaw is a strong thing.
So I got up. I went downstairs and fed the dog. My dog's favorite food is olives. I fed him a can. I once asked my vet if this is a bad thing. My vet said, "Every thing will always tell you what it wants."
I went to the computer. I looked up email. There were a few for Viagra. I thought I didn't need any more incentives to go back to bed.
So I got up. I went downstairs and fed the dog. My dog's favorite food is olives. I fed him a can. I once asked my vet if this is a bad thing. My vet said, "Every thing will always tell you what it wants."
I went to the computer. I looked up email. There were a few for Viagra. I thought I didn't need any more incentives to go back to bed.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Opps, Part 5
One of my plants told me, "Look, I'm tired of being in captivity. Can you please take me outside and replant me in a sunny spot on the ground?"
I did. I replanted it on the grass next to the driveway.
Yesterday my daughter drove over the plant on her way out. I ran out to the plant and tried to prop up its crushed stems with my hands.
The plant said, "I appreciate the gesture. But couldn't you have used more caution when you initially replanted me?"
I did. I replanted it on the grass next to the driveway.
Yesterday my daughter drove over the plant on her way out. I ran out to the plant and tried to prop up its crushed stems with my hands.
The plant said, "I appreciate the gesture. But couldn't you have used more caution when you initially replanted me?"
Friday, October 22, 2010
The Final List
Recently someone forwarded this list to me (below). It's going around the Internet. I guess I have a darker take than Ms. Brett...read this first(if you haven't already), then scroll down to see my own list.
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland ,
Ohio.
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will,
forward this with the title '7%'.
I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose.
..........
Here's my list of the 45 most important things I've learned.
1. Life isn't fair, so watch out for assholes.
2. When in doubt, give up and stay in bed. Sleep is your best friend.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents won't either. You'll probably die.
5. When all else fails, kindness probably will too.
6. You don't have to win every argument. It's best to bemoan your loss internally.
7. Cry with someone. Then you'll have one less friend.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. One day he'll kill you.
9. Save for retirement by dying early.
10. When it comes to heroin, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your future so it won't kick your ass when it shows up.
12. Be nice to others. It will confuse them and temporarily halt their plotting against you.
13. Compare your life to others. Theirs is better and it's best to admit it now.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you might as well have as much fun as you can while it lasts.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. Have your eyelids removed.
16. Take a deep breath. It helps when you're about to be punched.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful and won't make you cum.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you helps educate the thing that eventually will.
19. It helps to be grateful for the little things...if you can find them.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, hunt it down and kill it.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. It's never, ever, ever, ever going to come.
22. Over prepare, your funeral is the most important day of your life.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to have sex with cattle.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain. Unfortunately it's sealed away in your skull.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, 'In five years I will have drunk enough alcohol to have forgotten this.'
27. Always choose life. God loves when you beg.
28. Life is a game. You won't win.
29. What other people think of you is probably true.
30. Time heals almost everything, and that which it doesn't will be long, drawn out and painful.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change, so why even try?
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. You're not worth it.
33. Believe in miracles. God likes to laugh.
34. God loves you but he's not happy about it.
35. Don't audit life. It's a class you'll never finish.
36. Growing old always loses to dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Please don't kill them.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you don't have to do this again.
39. Miracles are waiting to pounce on and kill you.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd realize God doesn't love us.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You'll never get what you want.
42. The best called and said it won't be coming.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and go back to bed. Your bed loves you.
44. You can try to yield. But eventually you'll be run over.
45. Life is a piece of shit tied with a bow, but it's the thought that counts.
It's estimated that 93% won't forward this. They will die of cancer.
I'm in the 7%. I'll come visit you in the hospital.
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland ,
Ohio.
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will,
forward this with the title '7%'.
I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose.
..........
Here's my list of the 45 most important things I've learned.
1. Life isn't fair, so watch out for assholes.
2. When in doubt, give up and stay in bed. Sleep is your best friend.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents won't either. You'll probably die.
5. When all else fails, kindness probably will too.
6. You don't have to win every argument. It's best to bemoan your loss internally.
7. Cry with someone. Then you'll have one less friend.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. One day he'll kill you.
9. Save for retirement by dying early.
10. When it comes to heroin, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your future so it won't kick your ass when it shows up.
12. Be nice to others. It will confuse them and temporarily halt their plotting against you.
13. Compare your life to others. Theirs is better and it's best to admit it now.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you might as well have as much fun as you can while it lasts.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. Have your eyelids removed.
16. Take a deep breath. It helps when you're about to be punched.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful and won't make you cum.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you helps educate the thing that eventually will.
19. It helps to be grateful for the little things...if you can find them.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, hunt it down and kill it.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. It's never, ever, ever, ever going to come.
22. Over prepare, your funeral is the most important day of your life.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to have sex with cattle.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain. Unfortunately it's sealed away in your skull.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, 'In five years I will have drunk enough alcohol to have forgotten this.'
27. Always choose life. God loves when you beg.
28. Life is a game. You won't win.
29. What other people think of you is probably true.
30. Time heals almost everything, and that which it doesn't will be long, drawn out and painful.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change, so why even try?
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. You're not worth it.
33. Believe in miracles. God likes to laugh.
34. God loves you but he's not happy about it.
35. Don't audit life. It's a class you'll never finish.
36. Growing old always loses to dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Please don't kill them.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you don't have to do this again.
39. Miracles are waiting to pounce on and kill you.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd realize God doesn't love us.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You'll never get what you want.
42. The best called and said it won't be coming.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and go back to bed. Your bed loves you.
44. You can try to yield. But eventually you'll be run over.
45. Life is a piece of shit tied with a bow, but it's the thought that counts.
It's estimated that 93% won't forward this. They will die of cancer.
I'm in the 7%. I'll come visit you in the hospital.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Passing of History
I have a sand trap in my back yard. Anything that lands in the sand trap gets sucked into the earth. So far I've lost 12 dogs, a recycling container, and my scooter.
The scooter was passed down through my family. It was originally given to my great great great grandfather, Harlan Palmer, by President William McKinley in 1901. McKinley was running for re-election and was out on the street handing out scooters to kids as part of a press drawing op. Back then news was reported via sketches. Harlan got the scooter and a few seconds later President McKinley was assassinated by Leon Czolgosz.
One of the bullets went through Harlan's scooter. President McKinley, laying on the ground bleeding, saw the hole and apologized to Harlan. Back at the beginning of the 20th century everyone was sincere.
The scooter was passed down through my family. It was originally given to my great great great grandfather, Harlan Palmer, by President William McKinley in 1901. McKinley was running for re-election and was out on the street handing out scooters to kids as part of a press drawing op. Back then news was reported via sketches. Harlan got the scooter and a few seconds later President McKinley was assassinated by Leon Czolgosz.
One of the bullets went through Harlan's scooter. President McKinley, laying on the ground bleeding, saw the hole and apologized to Harlan. Back at the beginning of the 20th century everyone was sincere.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Petals and Thorns
I have a pet dinosaur. I found it on a trip to Arizona two years ago.
I looked it up on Wikipedia. It's called an Ornithomimosaurs. It's an ostrich dinosaur. I call it Rex. My sister says that's ridiculous because it's not a Tyrannosaurus Rex. She's more technical than me and I forgive her.
Yesterday I took Rex for a walk. People love Rex and want to pet him on the head. But Rex is reactionary and once bit off a guy's arm. So I have to tell people to stay away. It hurts their feelings and that makes me uncomfortable.
Last night I watched the Godfather Part 3 while Rex laid his head on my lap. Rex loves the Godfather movies. Especially the Godfather Part 3. I can't stand that movie. But I watch it because Rex could eat me while I'm sleeping. I guess everything's a rose with the stem attached.
I looked it up on Wikipedia. It's called an Ornithomimosaurs. It's an ostrich dinosaur. I call it Rex. My sister says that's ridiculous because it's not a Tyrannosaurus Rex. She's more technical than me and I forgive her.
Yesterday I took Rex for a walk. People love Rex and want to pet him on the head. But Rex is reactionary and once bit off a guy's arm. So I have to tell people to stay away. It hurts their feelings and that makes me uncomfortable.
Last night I watched the Godfather Part 3 while Rex laid his head on my lap. Rex loves the Godfather movies. Especially the Godfather Part 3. I can't stand that movie. But I watch it because Rex could eat me while I'm sleeping. I guess everything's a rose with the stem attached.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Why Not
This morning I came downstairs to a flooded living room. There were two ducks floating on the water. I love ducks. Most birds get scared and fly away when you approach them. But ducks are birds who prefer to stay put.
I waded into the water and swam to my kitchen. I got out some bread and came back to the living room and fed the ducks. They appreciated the bread.
I waited until the ducks finished their meal and then I swam to my front door. I opened the door and let the water out.
I never figured out what caused the flood. But I've never been a fan of why.
I waded into the water and swam to my kitchen. I got out some bread and came back to the living room and fed the ducks. They appreciated the bread.
I waited until the ducks finished their meal and then I swam to my front door. I opened the door and let the water out.
I never figured out what caused the flood. But I've never been a fan of why.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Curie
The ghost of Marie Curie stopped by for breakfast. Pretty much all ghosts can't eat food. She asked for some of my oatmeal and I gave her a bowl and she ate it. That made me think that she wasn't a ghost. But then I went onto Wikipedia and saw that she died in 1934. It's funny how expectations play with our thoughts.
I know a lot of famous dead people's names and I have a crude understanding of what they did in their lives. I was told about the reasons for their fame while in school. But this kind of info doesn't stick in my mind. I knew Ms. Curie was a scientist. I asked for details and she told me she isolated radium. This shut down my mind and I had to lay on the floor for a second.
She asked me what I did. I showed her this Better Late Than Dead blog. I asked if she wanted to write a post. She didn't get the concept and wrote on the screen with a pen and wrecked the screen a bit.
I was angry so I asked Ms. Curie how she died. She said radiation poisoning. Her invention killed her. I asked if this frustrated her. She said at first, but then she realized it was better than living longer because she worked in an office doing something she didn't care for.
This is a photo of Ms. Curie I took with my iPhone. My phone takes colored images. But there's something about dead people that deteriorates their surroundings.
I know a lot of famous dead people's names and I have a crude understanding of what they did in their lives. I was told about the reasons for their fame while in school. But this kind of info doesn't stick in my mind. I knew Ms. Curie was a scientist. I asked for details and she told me she isolated radium. This shut down my mind and I had to lay on the floor for a second.
She asked me what I did. I showed her this Better Late Than Dead blog. I asked if she wanted to write a post. She didn't get the concept and wrote on the screen with a pen and wrecked the screen a bit.
I was angry so I asked Ms. Curie how she died. She said radiation poisoning. Her invention killed her. I asked if this frustrated her. She said at first, but then she realized it was better than living longer because she worked in an office doing something she didn't care for.
This is a photo of Ms. Curie I took with my iPhone. My phone takes colored images. But there's something about dead people that deteriorates their surroundings.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Oh, Well
I went to the wishing well.
The wishing well said, "Yeah, what is it?"
I said, "I'd like my money back."
The wishing well said, "For what?"
I said, "For the wishes that didn't come to fruition."
The wishing well said, "Which ones didn't you get?"
I opened a large, heavy, and frayed book. I started at the first page and said, "When I was nine I wished for our team to win the little league championships, and we got clobbered 79 to 0. And then when I was ten I wanted to pass my math test, and I failed and was sent back to the third grade. Later that year I wanted a -"
The wishing well said, "Wait a minute. I never promised you these wishes would come true. The name says "wishing well', not 'wishes granted.'"
I said, "But it's implied. The name is wishing well."
The wishing well got quiet. Then it said in a quiet tone, "Look, I don't have it. I've already spent the money."
I walked away. I felt like an idiot. Why did I place so much importance on particular desired outcomes? If I could only learn to accept what comes my way then maybe I could be truly happy.
I passed by a 7-11. I went in and compulsively bought a lottery ticket. I was practically foaming at the mouth. I went home and put the lottery ticket on my alter to Shiva-Christ. I blended the two deities for maximum effect. I prostrated myself before the alter and said, "Please let me win!"
Shiva-Christ said, "Really? Are you kidding me?"
I got up and lit a cigarette. I sat at my couch and looked out the window. I saw the sun ebbing. I exhaled deeply. I put out the cigarette. I looked back at Shiva-Christ. I was glad for the company.
The wishing well said, "Yeah, what is it?"
I said, "I'd like my money back."
The wishing well said, "For what?"
I said, "For the wishes that didn't come to fruition."
The wishing well said, "Which ones didn't you get?"
I opened a large, heavy, and frayed book. I started at the first page and said, "When I was nine I wished for our team to win the little league championships, and we got clobbered 79 to 0. And then when I was ten I wanted to pass my math test, and I failed and was sent back to the third grade. Later that year I wanted a -"
The wishing well said, "Wait a minute. I never promised you these wishes would come true. The name says "wishing well', not 'wishes granted.'"
I said, "But it's implied. The name is wishing well."
The wishing well got quiet. Then it said in a quiet tone, "Look, I don't have it. I've already spent the money."
I walked away. I felt like an idiot. Why did I place so much importance on particular desired outcomes? If I could only learn to accept what comes my way then maybe I could be truly happy.
I passed by a 7-11. I went in and compulsively bought a lottery ticket. I was practically foaming at the mouth. I went home and put the lottery ticket on my alter to Shiva-Christ. I blended the two deities for maximum effect. I prostrated myself before the alter and said, "Please let me win!"
Shiva-Christ said, "Really? Are you kidding me?"
I got up and lit a cigarette. I sat at my couch and looked out the window. I saw the sun ebbing. I exhaled deeply. I put out the cigarette. I looked back at Shiva-Christ. I was glad for the company.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Lava
There's a volcano in my backyard. Mostly its dormant. Those are the boring times. I really like when the lava flows.
Recently the volcano's been dormant for months.
I went up to the volcano and said, "How about today?"
The volcano shrugged.
I got frustrated and got out my shovel and started to dig a hole in the volcano. At first the volcano gave me a look of, "Are you kidding me?"
Six hours later a vein of lava started coming through the hole I was digging. The amazing thing about lava is it looks like the Sun's tears. I thought, "Oh, my God, how can something be so bright?"
I stepped away and watched the lava flow out of the hole and down the hill. The lava soon reached my house, setting it on fire.
The volcano said, "You brought it on yourself."
I never know what to say when someone chastises me.
Recently the volcano's been dormant for months.
I went up to the volcano and said, "How about today?"
The volcano shrugged.
I got frustrated and got out my shovel and started to dig a hole in the volcano. At first the volcano gave me a look of, "Are you kidding me?"
Six hours later a vein of lava started coming through the hole I was digging. The amazing thing about lava is it looks like the Sun's tears. I thought, "Oh, my God, how can something be so bright?"
I stepped away and watched the lava flow out of the hole and down the hill. The lava soon reached my house, setting it on fire.
The volcano said, "You brought it on yourself."
I never know what to say when someone chastises me.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
My Room
I was in the doctor's office waiting room long enough so that I felt like it was my room. There were my magazines that I just don't seem to read. I had my choice of nearly comfy chairs. I liked the sparkle of my candy bowl. I liked that my TVs didn't bombard me with sound, but instead gently showed me their words. My posters inspired me to be healthy and that if I didn't feel up to it I had pills to help me do the job.
The funny part were the other people in my room. We didn't talk with each other. We didn't see each others eyes. It was obvious we didn't want to sit next to each other. But on a deeper level, we were spiritual together. We respected each others quietness. I thought, "I wonder if they think this is their room?"
The funny part were the other people in my room. We didn't talk with each other. We didn't see each others eyes. It was obvious we didn't want to sit next to each other. But on a deeper level, we were spiritual together. We respected each others quietness. I thought, "I wonder if they think this is their room?"
Monday, October 11, 2010
Glacier
There's a glacier in my backyard. I like it better than trees because it's ideal for sledding.
My wife yelled at me for buying a house with a glacier. She pointed out the eventual devastation. But then she felt better when I had a scientist come over and explain that wouldn't be for another 7,000 years.
I love watching my dog, Pheiser, run onto the glacier and slide like crazy. I put a video of his antics on youtube. I wish I could be like Pheiser and just enjoy things without trying to preserve them.
My wife yelled at me for buying a house with a glacier. She pointed out the eventual devastation. But then she felt better when I had a scientist come over and explain that wouldn't be for another 7,000 years.
I love watching my dog, Pheiser, run onto the glacier and slide like crazy. I put a video of his antics on youtube. I wish I could be like Pheiser and just enjoy things without trying to preserve them.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Conflict in the Forest
I was lost in Glacier National Park. This bothered me because I couldn't enjoy the scenery. My attention was on not freezing to death, and then avoiding being eaten by the wild animals.
This shows you how delirious I was: I tried using the GPS feature on my iPhone. The weird thing was the GPS showed me my location in the Park, but there are no streets, so it was confederate information.
Eventually I collapsed in exhaustion. I laid on the snow, ready to give up. Then this bear comes up to me and I thought, "Oh, crap, I don't think I can take being eaten now."
The bear says, "Can I be of help?"
I said, "Really?"
The bear said, "I can help you out of here. I know my way really well."
I nodded. The bear picked me up and slung me over his shoulder.
The bear walked for about an hour when he came to a cave. He said, "I have to stop in here for a second." The bear goes in. Then I hear this big argument. The bear then comes out looking exasperated.
The bear says, "I'm sorry, but my wife says I can't save you. She says I'm behind in my preparation for hibernation."
I said okay. I didn't want to push it because I have learned to stay away from arguments between couples.
This shows you how delirious I was: I tried using the GPS feature on my iPhone. The weird thing was the GPS showed me my location in the Park, but there are no streets, so it was confederate information.
Eventually I collapsed in exhaustion. I laid on the snow, ready to give up. Then this bear comes up to me and I thought, "Oh, crap, I don't think I can take being eaten now."
The bear says, "Can I be of help?"
I said, "Really?"
The bear said, "I can help you out of here. I know my way really well."
I nodded. The bear picked me up and slung me over his shoulder.
The bear walked for about an hour when he came to a cave. He said, "I have to stop in here for a second." The bear goes in. Then I hear this big argument. The bear then comes out looking exasperated.
The bear says, "I'm sorry, but my wife says I can't save you. She says I'm behind in my preparation for hibernation."
I said okay. I didn't want to push it because I have learned to stay away from arguments between couples.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Numberful
I work at the library. I put books back on the shelves after they have been checked back in. I work with the dewey decimal system. My friends are in disbelief because my job involves numbers and I'm not practical with math. It's hard for me to take one number and do something with it to another number. But this job has shown that I'm okay with just one number. Even if that number is combined with letters like 947.BEF.
This job has given me my confidence back. Sure, I'm only being paid $7.75 an hour. But this healed the humiliation I suffered in 1967 at the hands of my math teacher Mrs. Geyser. My classmates and I were given a test where in one instance we had to steal 52.5 pieces from the number 67. I felt badly for 67. I wrote "67 doesn't deserve this." I turned in my paper. Mrs. Geyser read it and I was suspended for two weeks.
My family wilted at the possibility of another humiliation and decided to further my education through television. This was hard on me because daytime TV consisted of game shows and soap operas. I lost faith in television. This is hard on a six year old boy.
This job has given me my confidence back. Sure, I'm only being paid $7.75 an hour. But this healed the humiliation I suffered in 1967 at the hands of my math teacher Mrs. Geyser. My classmates and I were given a test where in one instance we had to steal 52.5 pieces from the number 67. I felt badly for 67. I wrote "67 doesn't deserve this." I turned in my paper. Mrs. Geyser read it and I was suspended for two weeks.
My family wilted at the possibility of another humiliation and decided to further my education through television. This was hard on me because daytime TV consisted of game shows and soap operas. I lost faith in television. This is hard on a six year old boy.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Accepting What Was
My pet Raven wasn't eating well.
I said, "Raven, are you okay?" I've never called any of my pets by a name. I refer to their species. It's not to be mean. I know it's not important to them.
My Raven said, "I haven't been hungry lately."
I said, "Can I get you a different kind of food? They have golden dragons on sale at PetCo."
My Raven said, "Well, actually, I really like raspberry popsicles."
I went to Giant Foods and got some raspberry popsicles. I came back home and gave one to my Raven. She ate and enjoyed the raspberry popsicle.
When I was a kid I never thanked anyone for anything. I never saw that I didn't deserve. But it bothered me that my Raven didn't say thanks.
I said, "Raven, are you okay?" I've never called any of my pets by a name. I refer to their species. It's not to be mean. I know it's not important to them.
My Raven said, "I haven't been hungry lately."
I said, "Can I get you a different kind of food? They have golden dragons on sale at PetCo."
My Raven said, "Well, actually, I really like raspberry popsicles."
I went to Giant Foods and got some raspberry popsicles. I came back home and gave one to my Raven. She ate and enjoyed the raspberry popsicle.
When I was a kid I never thanked anyone for anything. I never saw that I didn't deserve. But it bothered me that my Raven didn't say thanks.
Swiss Cheese Sandwich
Today I was looking around my fridge for something delicious when I came upon the other half of yesterday's swiss cheese sandwich.
The swiss cheese sandwich said, "You don't want to eat me."
I said, "I might."
The swiss cheese sandwich said, "No, I'm kind of stale. You didn't properly seal me with plastic wrap. If you bite me, you'll wish you hadn't."
I said, "Then I'll just throw you out."
The swiss cheese sandwich said, "No, that would be wasteful."
I said, "I know, I'll feed you to my dog."
The swiss cheese sandwich said, "Are you kidding me, your dog can't handle cheese. Imagine the mess he'll leave on the carpet."
I said, "Look, I can't leave you in the fridge. It's only meant to preserve food that I will eventually eat."
The swiss cheese sandwich said, "You're tired. You always get this way when you need to take a nap. Why don't you go and lay down. You'll feel glad that you did."
I went to my room and laid down in bed. I closed my eyes and relaxed. I realized what the swiss cheese sandwich had done and I got mad.
The swiss cheese sandwich said, "You don't want to eat me."
I said, "I might."
The swiss cheese sandwich said, "No, I'm kind of stale. You didn't properly seal me with plastic wrap. If you bite me, you'll wish you hadn't."
I said, "Then I'll just throw you out."
The swiss cheese sandwich said, "No, that would be wasteful."
I said, "I know, I'll feed you to my dog."
The swiss cheese sandwich said, "Are you kidding me, your dog can't handle cheese. Imagine the mess he'll leave on the carpet."
I said, "Look, I can't leave you in the fridge. It's only meant to preserve food that I will eventually eat."
The swiss cheese sandwich said, "You're tired. You always get this way when you need to take a nap. Why don't you go and lay down. You'll feel glad that you did."
I went to my room and laid down in bed. I closed my eyes and relaxed. I realized what the swiss cheese sandwich had done and I got mad.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Going With the Flow
This morning I sold my wedding ring. I was married twelve years ago. The bride was my parent's choice. I was okay with it because I read that arranged marriages tend to work better. It was a beautiful wedding. The cake was delicious.
My new wife and I took our honeymoon in Yosemite. I didn't know she had a habit of sleep walking. She went out into the night and wandered into a bear's cave. No, she wasn't eaten. By the time I tracked her down, the bear had fallen in love with her, and I know instinctively not to argue with a bear.
I was forlorn. I walked for two months. I ended up in the northern part of the Canadian province of Saskatchewan, in a town called New Battleford. I got a job as a dishwasher. After a year I started feeling better.
The people of New Battleford liked me and I was elected mayor. I helped implement some positive changes for their sewer systems, I designed a law creating equal pay for women in the workplace, and I humanely rearranged their moose hunting season from 362 days a year to every other Saturday.
About a year ago, the bear and my ex-wife walked into town. The town's people knew my history. They gathered in the streets fearing a showdown. I walked up the couple and greeted them. I asked my ex-wife if she was happy. She said surprisingly so. She said she favored the simpler life. The bear broke down in tears and said he was seeking to make amends. Now, I've never agreed with the idea of forgiveness. It's like saying, "you suck and since I'm better than you I resolve you of your sin." But he was a bear and I felt it was best to go with the flow.
The town's people were so impressed by the bear's sensitivity that they ousted me as mayor and gave the position to the bear. I felt it would be better if I left town and I moved back to Evanston, IL.
This morning I went out for my walk. As I was passing Cottage Jewelers, the owner, Ira, came out and said, "Brooks, today's the day for you to sell your wedding ring. Gold just hit $1,300 an ounce."
My new wife and I took our honeymoon in Yosemite. I didn't know she had a habit of sleep walking. She went out into the night and wandered into a bear's cave. No, she wasn't eaten. By the time I tracked her down, the bear had fallen in love with her, and I know instinctively not to argue with a bear.
I was forlorn. I walked for two months. I ended up in the northern part of the Canadian province of Saskatchewan, in a town called New Battleford. I got a job as a dishwasher. After a year I started feeling better.
The people of New Battleford liked me and I was elected mayor. I helped implement some positive changes for their sewer systems, I designed a law creating equal pay for women in the workplace, and I humanely rearranged their moose hunting season from 362 days a year to every other Saturday.
About a year ago, the bear and my ex-wife walked into town. The town's people knew my history. They gathered in the streets fearing a showdown. I walked up the couple and greeted them. I asked my ex-wife if she was happy. She said surprisingly so. She said she favored the simpler life. The bear broke down in tears and said he was seeking to make amends. Now, I've never agreed with the idea of forgiveness. It's like saying, "you suck and since I'm better than you I resolve you of your sin." But he was a bear and I felt it was best to go with the flow.
The town's people were so impressed by the bear's sensitivity that they ousted me as mayor and gave the position to the bear. I felt it would be better if I left town and I moved back to Evanston, IL.
This morning I went out for my walk. As I was passing Cottage Jewelers, the owner, Ira, came out and said, "Brooks, today's the day for you to sell your wedding ring. Gold just hit $1,300 an ounce."
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