Day Trip

Today I was restless and got in my spaceship and rocketed to the Nebula star system. I space parked and got into my spacesuit and went for a space walk. I love the feeling of space walking. There's nothing to run into. On earth I'm constantly walking into trees and street signs.

I bought one of those extra long oxygen tubes for the space walks. They were on sale at sciencey.com. The extenda tube allows me to go pretty far. Today I space walked so far that I could no longer see my spaceship. I felt enveloped in blackness. When I first got the oxygen tube I painted it black so I could have the feeling that I didn't need the tube. I'm always looking for ways to feel more powerful.

I couldn't tell where I was at. As a result I had no frame of reference. I suddenly felt I was the primal force of concentrated energy just before it became the big bang. I thought of what I might become. The magnetic field, a galaxy, a black hole, a planet, an ocean, a sneeze.

Just then my dog Bippy appeared out of the blackness. She was in her spacesuit, licking the inside of the glass of her helmet. She always gets so happy when she sees me.

Morning Meeting

This morning I was taking my bath when a porpoise came up to the surface. This had never happened before. There have been other creatures though. There was the beaver, the minnow, the platypus and the astounding lily pad.

The porpoise said, "Oh, I'm sorry to startle you."

I said, "I'll be okay. Do you have enough room?"

The porpoise said, "Yes, thanks."

I said,"What's it like to live underwater?"

The porpoise said, "I'm a huge fan of floating so it's great. What's it like to live on land?"

I said, "It kind of sucks. That's why I like taking baths."

Key Stroke

My piano said, "How come you haven't played me recently?"

I said, "My fingers haven't felt nimble enough?"

My piano said, "I don't care if you play me sloppily. I like the touch of your fingers."

I sat at the piano and played some kind of crazy semblance of notes that blended into a hazy melody. The whole time my piano smiled like the sun, and things felt okay again.

From One Day to the Next

Last night at midnight I was surprised when Monday didn't arrive. It was just Sunday looking really pissed that Monday was running late, or something.

I said, "Sunday, I'm sure Monday will be here any minute."

Sunday said, "That's easy for you to say. This doesn't directly affect you."

I said, "I disagree, I feel your pain. Tell me what you're feeling."

Sunday started to cry and said, "I'm worried that something bad may have happened to Monday."

I said, "Well, let's go outside and see if we can find out what's going on."

Sunday and I went out and walked for a while. We found Monday sleeping on a park bench.

Sunday shook Monday and said, "Monday, what the hell is going on?!?"

Monday woke up startled and said, "I'm so sorry. I got here a few minutes early and I thought I'd rest while I waited. I'm so sorry for any inconvenience that I might have caused you."

Sunday forgave Monday and things were okay again.

The Owl and the Mouse

The Owl and the Mouse is available on iTunes from the album Brooks Takes His Time

(c) 2010
ASCAP Furry Dogs Publishing

Brooks, Meet Brooks

Today I was visited by the ghost of Brooks Palmer. He is the author of, "A Treasury of American Clocks." I've never read the book. I only recently became aware of the book because I get Google Alerts due to he and I having the same name.

Brooks said, "How do you like being a published author?"

I said, "It's okay. About a month after my clutter busting book came out, I got a smoking jacket, ascot, and a long filter-tip cigarette holder from the Writer's Association. I've tried writing with the outfit a few times. I noticed an improvement. But it was hard with the coughing."

Brooks said, "I wish I was still alive. I have some more books that I would like to write. I want to write a novelization about President Franklin Roosevelt's addiction to pudding. And I'd like write to a fictionalized autobiography of a tree that's deceased because he's now the book being read."

A Mixed Bag

I got tired of driving my car. So I donated my car to a charity. It was a charity to help displaced porcupines. Normally when a porcupine is lost in a city and can't find its way back to its woody home, it faces heavy discrimination. People are intimidated by the porcupine's spiky needles. This makes the porcupines distraught and bitter. When I watched a documentary about this on PBS, it broke my heart.

Yesterday I was walking down alleyways to my job. I like alleyways. I'm pretty shy and am adverse to facing people as they walk past me on the sidewalk. Well, I came upon a porcupine trying to hide behind a trash can. I could tell it had been crying. It was sniffling and rubbing its eyes. Plus I could sense the sorrow.

I said, "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

The porcupine said, "I can't believe you are risking talking to me."

I said, "Normally I would been afraid, but then I saw the documentary."

The porcupine said, "I heard about it. I haven't yet seen it though...But to answer your question, I need help getting back to the woods."

I felt kind of stupid for having given away my car because I could have used it to drive the porcupine to the woods. But then I remembered that I had the number for Soft Needles, the Porcupine Relocation charity. I called the number and gave them our location. They were there within minutes. The porcupine put its paw over its heart in my direction as they drove away.

I felt fantastic as I continued my walk to work. It's true that it feels good to give. Then there was the sound of thunder followed by a tremendous downpour. I was soaked in seconds. I started to feel differently.

"Love Comes From Strange Places"

I noticed a pool of liquid collecting in the grass in my backyard. I got closer and discovered it was oil. I don't know much about that kind of thing, so I called the local Texaco gas station. The manager came over and checked it out. He told me he thought there was an abundant supply of oil under the ground. He called some people and they came out the next day, checked it out and basically said I struck oil. I filled out some forms and now have an oil derrick pumping oil in my backyard.

I get a check from Texaco every month for about $20,000. This gave me the confidence to quit my job at 1(800)Psychic. I bought a dog and we sit at home and come up with songs. Last week we wrote one called, "Love Comes From Strange Places." It goes like this:

You never know what's a comin',
the day's a jester that delights in surprisin',
Yesterday I opened the door to tears from the ground,
and the day flipped from lost to found

Love Comes From Strange Places,
never like I expected,
places undreamnt of
and suddenly.....hello!

(c) 2010 Brooks P. and Mr. Rexy Dogmeister

Helping Out at Work

I got up early to milk the cows.

When I got to Mildred, my eleventh cow, she looked over at me and said, "I'm thinking of quitting and starting my own business."

I said, "Wow, really? You want to start selling your own milk?"

My cow Mildred said, "Yes, I think I can do it."

I said, "I had that same attitude when I started this farm. It helped me when I took out a loan and bought this land, and then took out another loan so I could have this barn constructed. I was in debt for about fourteen years, and a few times I didn't know how I was going to make it. I think the hardest part for me is the hundreds of hours a month I have to spend with the different grocery stores, schools and prisons haggling with them over my prices and delivery schedule. That same, "I can do it" attitude helps me work seven days a week, fourteen hours a day, especially during the brutally hard days of winter -"

My cow Mildred started crying.

I said, "Mildred, what's wrong?"

My cow Mildred said, "You're bringing me down...I think I'll stay on working here."

I pet my cow Mildred's head and said, "Mildred, would you like to design a new label for my 2% milk line?"

My cow Mildred mooed so loudly that the sparrows flew out of the rafters.

Where Curiosity Took Me

I'm tired. I stayed up late. Usually I'm in bed by midnight.

But around quarter to twelve I decided to make a wedding cake. I used to work as a caterer at weddings. I saw hundreds of wedding cakes. But I never ate a piece. I always wondered if it tasted differently than the other kinds of cake.

Around two am I took the cakes out of the oven. Then I frosted the cakes and built the tiers. Then I put the cakes on the tiers. It was done. But then I realized I didn't have a bride and groom to add to the top of the cake.

I knocked on the mouse hole in the back of my kitchen closet. The mice couple came out. They were groggy and wondered why I woke them. I said I needed them to act as bride and groom for the wedding cake. They said only if they could have a piece. I agreed.

I picked the mice up and put them on the top tier of the cake.

Just then my cat came into the kitchen and said, "What the hell is going on here!??"

Making the Best of It

My mom was an astronaut. She gave birth to me in space. This means that I have no citizenship. I'm a man without a country.

After years of being on the run, the INS eventually caught up with me. I was arrested and deported to the International Space Station. I don't have astronaut skills so I got a job as a domestic worker. I clean toilets and sweep the corridors and clean the windows on the space station.

I don't mind. I like to work. Plus the view from here is amazing.

Comfort Food

A ways back I had an interaction with Marie Antoinette. She was imprisoned and I was the chef at the Prison de Mazas. I heard that she liked chive omelets. I made and delivered a chive omelet to her cell. She said, "Merci." That meant a lot to me. I made a chive omelet again for her the next day. She was unresponsive. I was a little hurt. But then I got it. She was scheduled for execution later that morning.

I've often thought if I was going to be executed that I would order an extra cheese stuffed pizza as a last meal. I'm allergic to wheat and dairy. But I love pizza. This way I could eat and enjoy the pizza and not have to worry about the allergic reactions.

Minus 24

I went back in time. Back to yesterday morning. I did things a little differently based on what I knew.

I chose not to see Resident Evil: Afterlife again. It's not that it was a horrible movie. It was just okay and it's hard to do something for two hours that's just okay.

I didn't go to work. When I went there yesterday I got fired. But then my boss called in the afternoon and said I was fired. At least I didn't have to spend time taking the train downtown to the office.

I ended going to bed around two in the afternoon. I knew what was going to happen for the rest of the day and it took away the suspense that's necessary for me to do anything.

Bowie

David Bowie came to visit today. I don't know him. And it wasn't planned. I think he came over by accident, or like artists call it, "by chance." He never really clarified.

I'm a good host. I offered him some water. I don't have anything else to drink. I used to drink diet coke. A lot of it. But things change.

Bowie sat with me on my new leather couch. I got it a few days ago. It's so comfortable.

I played Bowie one of the songs from my new album. I was so embarrassed. It was like telling a millionaire about a twenty dollar bill I found on the ground.

A Long Time Coming

I've been around a long time. I've actually been alive since 54,000 B.C. I started out as a caveman. Life was pretty simple back then. Dinner was either berries, dirt, or saber-tooth tiger. I remember when fire was invented. Everyone was talking about it. I waited a few months before getting fire so the bugs could be worked out.

Back then there wasn't a concept of time. It was either bright or dark, and snow or grass. I ended up taking up cave painting as a hobby. That was our version of writing since there were no words invented yet. Words got invented when they ran out of paint and something had to be figured out on the spot.

The years went by and for some reason I kept staying alive. I worked for Genghis Khan for a little bit. I actually got fired. I showed up to a battle late. He was so upset. The thing is, I really like to sleep.

I met Christ. He was a nice person. I was short 3 teckles for a loaf of bread and people in line behind me got upset. Christ was right behind me and he gave the change. I said thanks. He said, "Don't mention it."

I remember when the Spanish Inquisition came through my town. Everyone was initially excited because they wore such nice clothes. But then they turned out to be assholes.

The Night Sky

I got tired of not seeing the stars at night, so I tore off the roof of my house. It's great to lay in bed and look up at the night sky.

My wife took a while getting used to the new view. She complained that chill of the night air distracted her from gazing at the stars. She's got a slight streak of negative personality. I think that's because she's more sensitive than me and it helps protect her.

I helped her out by buying a 50,000 count down comforter. Now she and I look up at the stars and make up our own constellations. Last night we came up with Rotondo! We think he could have been a Greek god who had an amazing appetite and one night ate all the stars.

Dictated by the Fall Line Up

I didn't learn the alphabet until I was 15. I didn't have time. I was watching a lot of TV. There were a lot of high quality television shows on between when I was four and till I was fifteen. There was Gilligan's Island, the Brady Bunch, Love American Style, and All in the Family just to mention a few.

My teachers would tell me, "You need to know the alphabet."

I said, "I understand you have to say that because that's your job."

My feeling was that I understood words and I spoke them eloquently when talking with my friends, but the only writing that was required of me was school work, and what's the point of that.

I learned the alphabet when I was 15 because of the crappy fall TV schedule. It was painful for me to try and endure Chico and the Man, the Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour, Circus of the Stars, and The Love Boat. It only took me a half-hour to learn the alphabet. I thought, "What was all the fuss about?"

Since then I have written some letters, my name and address on the return corner of the envelope, and these blogs.

When the Questions Run Out

I was resting on my couch when I saw the shadow on the floor waving at me. I thought it was a blowing in the wind tree limb's shadow. But then I noticed the shade was pulled over the window. The shadow was independent.

I got excited. I like when I see something new. I figure there's one of everything but it just hasn't all been seen yet.

I said to the shadow, "How is it that you are independent from an object and a light source?"

The shadow said, "I could ask the same of you."

I said, "You're right."

Then we watched "Louie" on TV. That show is so funny. Have you seen it?

On the Question of Comfort

I was not inspired to do anything except lay on the grass in my backyard. I love laying on grass. It feels like a natural bed because the grass is somewhat springy. I have thought at times that the grass does not care for it. The grass is standing there, drinking in the Sun and then this big shape descends on and smashes it. The dilemma made it hard for me to fully enjoy the comfort.

So I laid with this paradox, unmoving, on the grass. The Sun soon disappeared and was replaced by the Moon. After about an hour, the Moon noticed me.

The Moon says, "It's good to see you. It's been a while."

I said, "I know. I've been working very hard. But today, I could not help but lay down on the grass and do nothing."

The Moon said, "Yes, but have you not thought of the grass?"

I got up, went inside and slammed the door. Things have become more difficult since my new-found sensitivity to the environment.

How I Wrote My Album

My guitar broke. The neck snapped. I was sad for my guitar. I'd had it since it was five. My parents gave me an option: I could either go to elementary school or learn the guitar. I'd heard about this school thing and it sounded kind of harsh so I chose the guitar.

Guitar lessons were hard though. I had tender finger tips and pressing down on the strings hurt. I told our dog Pressie about my problem. Pressie said when she was a pup it hurt to walk on rocks. But she kept at it and developed calluses. I took Pressie's advice and eventually got callused finger tips.

So I was sad for my broken guitar. I dug a hole in the backyard and put my guitar in and covered it up with the dirt. A few months later a tree grew from the plot. It wasn't a guitar tree, just a regular tree.

As the tree grew stronger, I would sit under it and write songs. I didn't have a new guitar, so I had to imagine what the songs sounded like.

Eventually I hired some musicians. I gave them the songs to play. They played them. Wow, I think they're pretty good songs!

Brooks Takes His Time

Good News

I was sitting in my living room when the ghost of Walter Cronkite appeared. He was inside a ghost TV. I didn't know if the TV was once living and had now been dead, or Cronkite appeared as a ghost this way. I did not ask Cronkite because ghosts are sensitive and I did not want to hurt his feelings.

He didn't say anything which was odd. Ghosts often initiate a discussion. They have a lot to say. Being dead involves a lot of alone time and once they appear they can be very chatty.

I said, "Hello, it's good to meet you."

Cronkite said, "Good evening." This made me happy. It reminded me of when I used to watch Cronkite on TV as a kid. We had a black and white TV. I always thought it was funny to watch the news because they were talking about what was happening that day, but the black and white picture made it seem like someone from the past had made a tape that was being shown now, proving that they had predicted the future.

Chicken of the Sea

I took a swim in Lake Michigan this morning. The waters were pretty calm so it was easy for me to get about a half-mile from shore. That's when I ran into the mermaid.

At first I thought it was a naked woman. I thought, "Wow, what luck." Then she went under water and I saw her fin and tail. Then I thought that I was dreaming. Sometimes that happens when I'm dreaming and what's happening is fantastical, like when I win the lottery, or I have lunch with Marlon Brando.

The mermaid came back up to the surface. She saw me and I got really nervous. I get that way anyway with beautiful women. But then I worried that maybe mermaids feast off of humans. It's not unreasonable. There's very little known about mermaids.

The mermaid came up to me and said, "Hi, my name is June." I thought she must be very old because that name hasn't been popular for a while.

I said, "Hi."

The mermaid smiled and said, "You must have a first name."

I thought, "God, my nervousness is a character defect."

I said, "Brooks."

The mermaid said, "Oh, you're of the water too."

I nodded, smiled and felt better. We hung out and feasted on a mackerel school.

Shamus

I have a pet bear. His name is Shamus. He's big. I lost most of my furniture because he would amble into them and they would smash to bits. He'd feel badly about it, but I didn't care because bears are adorable.

Shamus originally came in when I left the sliding glass doors open last fall. I was about to have some toast with honey. Shamus came in and went right up to the table and devoured the sweet snacks. I thought I was next. But Shamus had the Poo's "What else have you got that's tasty?" look. I opened the jar of honey and Shamus finished it off.

Shamus then sat down on the couch, smashing it flat. He fell asleep and went into hibernation for five months. I went online and found out never wake up a hibernating bear.

When he awoke in the spring he seemed content to stay in my place. I didn't mind because I'd been considering getting a dog, and I thought this was close enough.

Apples!

I went to an apple picking farm today. I went off by myself in search of the juiciest apple. I had to walk a mile by the time I found the tree. The apples were so ripe that the branches were bent to the ground.

Normally I don't care for apples. I think they look great. They look like shiny hearts on stems. But I never eat them.

But today I had this strange hunger. I ate the first apple and really enjoyed it. Then I ate a few more. Soon I'd eaten thirty. That's a lot. I think it's like drinking five gallons of water with a meal. My stomach was actually sloshing back and forth.

I laid down under the tree and fell asleep. I dreamnt of the tree I just feasted from. The tree said, "Thanks. I appreciate what you did for me. I couldn't hold the weight anymore. That's why I called you here today." It probably helps to know that things that normally can't speak, do well communicating in dreams.

I said, "I'm glad I could help." That's true. I look for ways to help.

The tree said, "I hope you're stomach will be okay."

I said, "I'll be okay." But the truth is, I wasn't sure.

Temporary Diversion

I was riding my bike and I crashed into a tree and I found myself at the gates of Heaven. I couldn't believe it. I thought they were an invention of movies. There was mist and very tall ivory and gold looking gates. There was a line to get in. I thought, "Wow, we never have to stop waiting in lines."

I got up to the gate and the person there asked me my name. I told her. She said I wasn't on the list. I said that was probably because my death was an accident. There wasn't enough time to get listed. She said, "No one's death is an accident, even though it may seem so."

She said I would have to go back to being alive. I didn't argue. I'm not an arguer. When people fight they become more invested in winning than listening to the other person's point.

Falls in My Lap

I slept till 2 today. The thing is, I had a job interview at 10 am. It was my second interview at Bank of America. I applied to be president of the bank. I filled out the application on a whim. I was certain I wouldn't get the job. It was fun to pretend. I was stunned when I was called by B of A. I showed up to the interview in shorts and a t-shirt. Then I was doubly stunned by the call back.

When I went to bed last night I decided not to set my alarm. I thought, "If I wake up in time, I'll go to the interview." Wait, I have a text, let me check it...It says, "We're sorry that you couldn't make the interview...if you're interested we would like to offer you the job." Wow, I'm so glad I didn't go to the interview.

I think I'll take the job. It pays five million dollars a year plus bonuses. I've never had that much money. I think it would be an interesting experience to be that loaded. The thing is, I don't plan on getting a bank account with B of A. I've heard their tellers aren't very friendly. If I happen to change their hiring of tellers policy and things get better, then I might reconsider.

Something in Common with a Celebrity

The ghost of President Woodrow Wilson joined me for brunch. He seemed so tired. When someone is exhausted I try not to ask them why. I think it would only make them more tired.

I said, "I was shopping for groceries and I came across a can of cranberries. I've never bought cranberries. I think they taste awful. But it made me happy to see the cranberries in a can because it felt like they were in a food jail. They couldn't get out and find their way into my mouth."

Woodrow Wilson started to laugh. He said, "I hate cranberries too. When I lived at the White House, the main chef Charles Bickers used to serve stewed cranberries as a daily side dish. After a month of this nonsense, I got flustered and had a discussion with Bickers. I said, "I don't care for stewed cranberries. Hadn't you noticed the fact that they always return uneaten to the dishroom?" Bickers said, "Yes, Mr. President, I had noticed. But Miles Johnston the dishwasher, loves stewed cranberries."