Helpful Tips When Time Traveling

I was in the bookstore, reading an article about the Beatles when I heard the crackling sound that occurs as I travel back in time. Suddenly there I was at the Abbey Road studios in London. It was August 8th, 1968. I know because I saw a newspaper and I checked the date.

I always try and check the date when I time travel. It helps me avoid the embarrassment of talking about something that hasn't occurred yet. I learned this the hard way when I time traveled back to England and the court of King Henry the 8th. I made a joke about the execution of Anne Boleyn. But the thing I didn't realize it was 1538. Anne Boleyn didn't die until the following year. Anne Boleyn was in the room and said, "Well, that's news to me." I pretended I was chocking on a chicken leg and abruptly excused myself.

So, there I was at the Abbey Road studios. The Beatles were in the midst of making the White Album. I knew not to mention anything about their breakup in two years. The lads were recording the song Yer Blues. I couldn't believe it. It's an amazing song, even with all the suicide references. I said, "Oh man, I love this song." John Lennon looked up from his guitar and said, "How could you, I wrote it a f@#cking half-hour ago?"

Actually there's no way to avoid embarrassment when time-traveling.

Finally

My fish would not stop talking. The fish tank is in my bedroom and I was trying to sleep and the fish would not shut up.

"I can't stand the castle. It's too small. I go inside it and I can't see behind me to back out. I try backing up but my back tail fin gets stuck. I try to spin away and my head gets caught in the turret. Why did you buy such a small castle? Are you trying to save money? Am I not worth the extra 5 dollars?"

I said, "Please, I'm trying to sleep. Can you just stop talking?"

Things were quiet for a few minutes and I almost fell asleep. Then the fish said, "What the hell's up with the Parthenon back-drop? Is this supposed to be some kind of underwater Atlantis? Didn't the pet store have any deep sea images? I'll bet that you bought it because it was on sale. You are such a cheap-skate. You know the problem with living that way? You keep thinking you are saving money, but you think cheap, and you can never be satisfied. I have to suffer because you have this compulsion to save a few pennies"

I turned on the light and said, "Seriously, I need to sleep. I have to get up early and go to work."

The fish said, "You're always thinking about yourself. It turns out I'm not the only fish in this house. You're self-fish. Selfish, selfish, selfish!"

I got up and went to the kitchen. I got out a glass vase. I put water in it. I went back up to the bedroom. I reached into the tank and grabbed the fish and put him in the vase. I left my apartment, walked down the stairs to the laundry room, and put the vase on the counter where the other tenants put their laundry detergents. I took down someone's ad from the bulletin board and picked up a pencil from the counter and wrote, "Free Fish."

My fish said, "You've got to be kidding me. You can't leave me down here. Bring me back to my tank this instant!"

I went back to my apartment. I laid in bed and turned out the light. For the first time in months there was silence. I thought, "At last." I laid there but couldn't fall asleep. I figured it was the adrenalin. But then hours passed. And then I realized, I missed my fish.

I ran back down to the laundry room. But the fish and the vase were gone. I was distraught. I slowly walked back to my place.

I passed one of my neighbor's doors. I heard my fish's voice through the wall, "Where's my tank? Are you kidding me? Do you expect me to live in this glass turd? This is ridiculous. I expect better than this. You can't treat me this way. I demand to be treated with respect! Are you listening to me? Hey, I'm talking here. Waaake up!!!"

I skipped down the hall. I jumped into bed and was asleep within seconds.

Zipper 567

I own a company that makes large scale ice cube makers. It all started ten years ago when I invented and patented the Zipper 567. It's a machine that cuts 5500 ice cubes a minute. I had a dream where I saw a dragon smiling with a zig-zag grin. When I woke up I drew the pattern of the dragon's incisors. I played with the pattern until I realized it was an inspirational design for the perfect ice cube maker.

I had the Zipper 567 built and I tested it and lo and behold I knew I found my calling. I called my ice cube invention the Zipper 567 because I'm in awe of zippers. Metal is hard and sharp. But a zipper allows metal to flow together plain and simple. But zippers aren't stuck up. They have a sense of humor. You hear it every time you zip. I added the 567 because it sounds like science.

With all the success that has come from selling the Zipper 567 to ice cube companies all over the world, I never get bored with people's uncomprehending reaction that I don't use ice cubes in my drinks. I like what I drink to be warm. When liquids are warm, they feel good in my mouth. I appreciate others desires for ice cubes. When guests come to my home, I offer them ice cubes in their drinks and they usually say, "Yes."

Confidence

The ghost of Jack Kerouac came by my hotel room. I was in the midst of trying to watch a TV show called True Blood on HBO. I like vampires. When I was a kid I read Dracula by Bram Stoker. There was over 700 pages in Dracula and it wasn't required reading, so I was verrry interested.

Kerouac said, "I once met a vampire in real life."

I was thinking he was telling me a poem he wrote. The good poets are esoteric and their first lines are hooks. He had me.

I said, "Tell more more."

Kerouac said, "I just finished a show at the Dirigible. It's a bar on 7th Ave. in New York. It must have been about three am. I went down an alley way to take a leak. Someone approached me from the other end of the alley. I nodded and he nodded back and that's when I saw his face. His skin was moon white. His eyes were sunk deep in his head. There was a little blood on the corner of his mouth. I was thinking he'd just been in a fight. He asked me if I want to live forever. The thing is I didn't. I had a constant headache that was killing me. So I said no..."

I said, "How did you figure he was a vampire?"

Kerouac said, "I didn't know for certain. But I thought it. That's enough."

I think when you're famous and popular and everyone wants to hear what you have to say you have an impenetrable confidence. Plus it helped that he was dead.

Work

I have a job where I push a large square boulder up a hill. I'm paid $45 an hour for my work. I tend to work 6 to 7 hours a day. I like my job because of the exercise, and I get to be outdoors, and it's simple.

On some days I reach the top of the hill. Some people have said to me that this must then be the easy part of my job because all I have to do is nudge the stone boulder and it then rolls by itself down the hill. But they are wrong. It takes more work moving the boulder down the hill because I have to control where it goes.

I learned this the hard way. The first time the boulder went down the hill, I let it go where it pleased. The boulder flattened the mayor's car. The mayor was not an understanding man and I was fined. There wasn't an ordinance against squashing a car with a large stone. But I felt badly about what I'd done and I paid the fine.

Test Batch

Today I got a letter in the mail that contained a hundred dollar bill. There was a note attached to it that read, "You have been selected by the Federal Treasury to test our new batch of hundred dollar bills. Please spend this one today and write back to us about your experiences."

I went to Schallmer's Bakery a few blocks from my house. I ordered a scone. I've never had one before. I always wondered what scones tasted like, but I also hate wasting money, so I never took the chance. But today was different. I had a job to do. I bought the scone and sat down and ate it.

The scone was just okay. It was a little dense. I'm more of a donut man. I like my desserts light and fluffy so I can focus on the taste, rather than the chewing. In order to feel better, I put the remaining $97.63 in the tip jar. The guy who served me the scone wouldn't stop thanking me. He had tears in his eyes.

Fixing a Problem

My gopher was going crazy. He knocked over my kitchen table, pooped in the hallway, and then tore into my new leather sofa. I couldn't believe it. I'd raised Klempt the gopher since I found him as a baby lost in field. Till today he's always been the picture of complacency.

I tackled Klempt. He tried to escape. I wouldn't let him go. Finally he stopped fighting.

I said, "Klempt, what the hell's going on?"

Klempt said, "I'm so sorry, Brooks. I feel terrible because you have been so nice to me. I mean, I can't believe that you are so generous with the 500 channel cable stations. And you gave me a queen-sized bed with 1000 count green cotton sheets. And I'll never forget my birthday party with the clown and grass-stuffed birthday cake. But I'm going nuts. My nature is live underground in paw-dug tunnels."

I said, "I'm sorry, Klempt. I should have known better."

Klempt said, "That's alright. You didn't know."

I said, "...Would you like to live under my back yard?"

Klempt said, "Really?"

I said, "Yes, that would make me happy."

Klempt said, "Me too!"

Noticable Change

This morning I got dressed and grabbed my wallet. I noticed that my wallet was swollen. I thought, "It's made of leather, which is skin...maybe it's been injured." I opened the wallet and saw that it was stuffed with hundred dollar bills. This was strange because normally there's a couple of ones, and a five and ten. That's the basic minimum. It makes me feel like, "I can go to lunch."

But now I was in awe of the bank in my wallet. I felt like I could be called, "Brooks First and Trust." I started thinking, "FDIC, FDIC, FDIC." I'm sure banks have thoughts. They think of fiduciary and fiscal. And they are always relaxed. When you are an ocean made of waves of money, nothing is smaller than you. The immensity of you is a self-esteemer.

So I spent today walking as the B.P.F. and T. Cute girls noticed me and said, "Hi" with big smiles. People got out of my way when I went to the 7-11 for my daily Slurpee. When I got on the bus, an elderly person got up from her seat and offered it to me. I, of course, sat in the seat because I didn't want to offend her.

Me and My Pet Rock

I have a pet rock that loves to disagree with me on every topic. As a result I try and never tell my pet rock what I'm up to or what I'm thinking about. I walk by my pet rock and say, "Good day to you." My pet rock often just nods back.

But this morning I was feeling kind of low and I saw that my pet rock was looking at me with a raised eyebrow.

I said, "I'm mulling over some new flavors that I want to add to my Popsicle business."

My pet rock said, "Why would you do that? Your business is very successful. Why take a chance that may end up hurting your business?"

I said, "But I thrive on taking chances. If I'd never done that twenty years ago, I never would have even started my Popsicle business."

My pet rock said, "You need to learn to stop when you're ahead."

I said, "But that's not my nature. You can't avoid what you are!"

My pet rock said, "Yes you can!!"

Suddenly I realized my pet rock's nature is cautious. I was trying to change my pet rock's nature by defending my own.

I picked up my pet rock and caressed its surface with my thumb. My pet rock started to laugh.

Change

This morning was strange because I woke up as a frog. I don't know how it happened. I went to bed last night as my usual human self. I got up once in the night to use the bathroom, still a human. And then this morning, I was a frog.

I did have some tofu burger patties last night. I'm house-sitting and I got the food from their freezer. I never eat this particular kind of food normally. But when eating from another's stash, I like to venture out and try something new. This probably had something to do with my drastic change. But knowing this didn't solve the problem.

So I hopped out of bed. I really like hopping. It's like having springs in your shoes. I thought, "If I'm stuck for the rest of my life as a frog, the hopping is worth it!"

Helped Through a Predicament

When I come to LA I bring my portable inflate-a-bed and I sleep on the beach. I love laying on my inflate-a-bed at night and looking up at the stars and listening to the ocean's roar.

Last night I feel asleep while enjoying the beach and didn't notice that the tide came in and swept me away. When I woke up I was floating way out on the ocean. At first I was scared because I have no oars and I tend to get sea sick.

But a whale came up next to me and she must have noticed I was trembling and she said, "The ocean's a pretty nice place. It's been my home since I was born and it's taken good care of me. Would you like me to nudge you towards the shore?"

I managed to say a yes.

The whale pushed me and my inflate-a-bed till we got to the beach. I thanked the whale.

The whale said, "No problem. It makes me feel good to help."

Further Insight on the Sun

This morning I flew to Los Angeles in the cargo hold. I travel with my dog, Kipsie, and he gets nervous riding in his doggie travel container up with all the humans. He picks up on their nervousness and throws up. The thing is, so do I.

So I rode with Kipsie down in the cargo hold. I fly JetBlue and they give me a parka to wear because it gets pretty cold at 35,000 feet. I always thought that was weird because I’m so much closer to the Sun. This adds proof to my theory that the Sun is actually made of ice.

Nice Accomodations

I was arrested for loitering and had to spend the night in jail. The jail cell was very nice. The bed was comfortable. For a jail it was pretty quiet. The constant presence of the police made me feel very safe.

How was I loitering? Well, I'd been sitting in my living room all day, doing nothing. I couldn't stand the situation, but at the same time I couldn't get myself to leave, so I called the Police. I thought they would be upset at me for not taking care of the situation myself. But it was a slow day and they appreciated something to do.

Wishful Thinking

I went to the wishing well, tossed in my quarter and said, "I'd like peace of mind."

The wishing well said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "What do you mean?"

The wishing well said, "That kind of talk will put me out of business. When people feel peaceful they stop wanting stuff. And then I'll have to go back to just giving drinks to thirsty people."

I said, "That sounds like a worthwhile service. Plus you wouldn't have to listen to the relentless, whining demands for stuff."

The wishing well said, "It is pretty exhausting. This morning a lady came by and told me she wanted to find Prince Charming. I said, "You're looking at him." She got mad and called the Better Business Bureau. They're threatening to take away my membership. This kind of crap never happened when I was a water fountain!"

Behind the Scenes in the Blogojevich Jury Room

I was a juror in the Rod Blogojevich trial. As we sat in the jury room we tried to go over the evidence. But the thing is, it's hard for a group of people to focus on one thing. Soon we were watching TV. At first we watched news commentary about the trial. We started pretending we were the commentators.

I said, in a newsy voice, "How can the jurors consider the overwhelming evidence and not find the former Governor guilty of smoking behind the 7-11 with his circus bear friend, Mirandy?"

A juror named Cindy said, "I couldn't disagree with you more! The jurors must consider that fact that they are stuck in a room with a bunch of people they would never chose to hang out with and they are being paid, $37.50 a day."

Then we took apart the table and all the chairs and made a reproduction of Monticello, the home of Thomas Jefferson.

Afterwards we all took a nap. As I lay there, I was a little uncomfortable because I love naps, but I always take them alone. How could I be relaxed enough in a room of strangers to fall asleep? But then I realized that since my eyes were closed, I could pretend I was alone. I fell asleep in seconds.

Adventuring!

I was having breakfast with my dog, Rexy, this morning. We were enjoying a delicious Eggs Benedict with some mango juice out on our deck overlooking the Riviera.

My dog said, "Do you remember how we used to live in squalor and used to eat the pretzels that we'd find in the dumpster of the bar?"

I said, "Yes, sometimes I miss it."

Rexy said, "Really, are you kidding me?"

I said, "Not the squalor, but I miss the sense of adventure."

To reintroduce adventure into our lives we decided to buy, "Build and Float Your Boat!" It's sold by Balsa Wood Adventures. It's an actual person sized boat. We laid out all the pieces and put the boat together. We brought the boat down to the Riviera, got on and floated out onto the water.

After a few hours of enjoying sitting on the boat and catching fish, we became aware that the boat was sinking. Within minutes the boat was underwater. We were miles from the shore. We didn't have any life preservers. Plus a storm was approaching.

Rexy said, "Well, I'm feeling adventurous, how about you?"

Rexy and I laughed.

Vacation Surprises

Today I went to Michigan on vacation. I rented a house on the lake. This afternoon I went down to the water and jumped in for a swim. I was pulled in by the undertow. The force was so powerful that I went 150 feet to the bottom of the lake.

While I was at the lake's bottom I met Neptune. I was surprised because I didn't expect a celebrity citing. It was strange because I've seen and met a lot of celebrities in the past. My dad was the director of Hollywood Squares, the TV game show. He used to often take me with him to work. I met Phyllis Diller, Charlie Weaver, Jack Benny, Buddy Hackett, Za Za Gabor just to name a few. They liked me because I laughed at everything they did.

Because of my history, I wasn't nervous when I met Neptune. I went right up to him and shook his hand. I think he was surprised that I wasn't nervous.

I said, "I love what you do with the lake. Somedays there's the big waves, other times it's tranquil, and then there's the typhoons. I love your spontaneity."

Neptune said, "Why thank you. That means a lot to me."

I said, "Do you ever hire assistants?"

Neptune said, "What are your qualifications?"

I said, "I like fish. My astrological sign is Pisces. I don't mind getting wet."

I got hired and I start Monday morning. Isn't that the funniest thing? I took time off from my work as a cement mixer and I find a brand new job. You never know what's going to happen next.

Delegating

Sometimes I lay in bed all day. But I get a lot done. That's because I'm good at delegating.

For instance, yesterday I asked the plant next to my bed to go grocery shopping for me. I gave it some money and a shopping list. Plants are always willing to do what you ask, but the thing is they take a long time.

I'm still waiting for the plant to come back with the food. I'm starting to get hungry and I thought about actually getting up out of bed and going to the store myself. But then I'm afraid of running into the plant at the store and hurting its feelings.

How I Create

I like to make my own furniture. I get the pecan wood shipped in from Paraguay. I never know what I'm going to make. I start picking up the pieces and let them be shaped by the muse.

The thing is, what I make is not easy to sit in. I've had people come to my house and try and sit and get very angry. I tell them, "If I made my furniture easy to sit in, you wouldn't notice them."

I remember my mom saying, "Why do people have to notice what you do?" I didn't know what to say to her. Instead I laid back and relaxed into my upside-down bench and ironing board.

When Being Cheap Backfires

It was 95 degrees this morning. I have a hard time with being hot. My body resists the high temps. I think it's the resistance to being cooked. I like being warm. But I don't like being dinner.

So I go the other way. I opened up and went inside my freezer. I brought a flashlight and The Old Man and the Sea by Hemingway. It's a short book. I finished it within the hour. I was enjoying the decreased temperature, so I layed down and took a nap.

The problem is when I woke up I was encased in a ice. Yes, I do like being cooler, but not when it restricts my movements. I tried breathing hot air on the ice. I've always been fascinated with my ability to either breathe out hot or cool air. I don't want to know how I do it though because it will rob me of the mystery.

My hot air attempts didn't work though because my air froze when it left my mouth. I thought, "Dammit, it would have been so much easier if I'd just bought that air-conditioner at Sears!"

Take It Easy!

I fell asleep at the library last evening. I sat at a cubicle in the back. I laid my head down for a second and I was out. When I woke up, all the lights in the library were out. The library was closed and I was locked in.

I couldn't believe my luck. I took off all my clothes and ran around yelling and singing. I sang Slow Ride. That's a great song to sing at full volume when no one is around. I think when Foghat recorded Slow Ride they must have asked the producer and recording technicians to leave the recording studio. Then when they sang Slow Ride in concert they probably had to get pretty drunk so they could feel private again. No wonder they never had another hit. Why would they want to keep living that way?

I got exhausted thinking about how hard life must have been for Foghat. I sat down on the circulation desk.

I heard, "Nothing's that important."

I covered myself up and looked around. I saw a copy of Catcher in the Rye sitting next to me.

I said, "What do you mean?"

The copy of Catcher in the Rye said, "Nothing's worth being that tired."

I felt great again and I picked up the copy of the Catcher in the Rye and stood up on the circulation desk and we sang,

"I'm in the mood, the rhythm is right,
Move to the music, we can roll all night.
Oooh, oooh, slow ride - oooh, oooh ..."

A. Snowman

I was hiking in the high mountains when I came across the Abominable Snowman. My fears were overwhelmed by the A. Snowman’s beauty. A. Snowman’s hair shone like glistening snow, and it had a killer smile. The funny thing about entrancement by another brings about an instant connection, but shuts off the ability to speak.

A. Snowman said, “Good afternoon.”

I nodded my head. We stood looking at one another for a few seconds. Damn that smile! I couldn’t get around it. And then I thought I was in trouble because awkward pauses between two people often leads to kissing.

But then A. Snowman kept walking and said, “Best day to you!”

I thought that maybe I ought to take that course in “How to Make Friends and Influence People.” I could learn to be open and verbally connect with others. I could bring my huge inner life out into the world like a rainbow dictionary collection of words coming out of mouth.

But then I stepped in Abominable Snowman poop and thought, "Forget about it."

Presidential Signatures

I went to the Pawn Shop to sell my collection of President of the United States signature collection. They are actually autographs of the Presidents. My family has been collecting them since the late 1700s. Back a long time ago it was easy to get a President’s signature. It wasn’t as big a deal to be President. And there was no secret service. A President would be shopping for groceries and you could go right up to him and ask. And they liked it. It was an early version of popularity polling.

But after Lincoln it became increasingly difficult to obtain a President’s signature. To maintain the autograph retrieving tradition, my family had to get jobs working at the White House. That sounds exciting, but as my Uncle Jebidiah wrote in his diary entry from March 17th, 1898, “This job rankles me to the marrow. President Taft is an insolent man. It is with great trepidation that I continue my employment as his bather. But I must restrain my perplexities as I am in a sliver proximity of obtaining his surname script.”

The only signature I had second thoughts about selling was Millard Fillmore’s. He wrote, “Millie.” I imagined that he was a dog. I like the idea of a dog being President.

Openness with Pets

My dog told me he thinks he like cats. It really bugged him. He was worried how others would see him. I said that no one cares what anyone else does. He asked me if I would be bothered that he likes cats. I said, “Maybe for a day, but that’s because I’m allergic to cats.”

Protective Bathing

I hate to take showers naked. I’m worried that there’s a camera in my bathroom that plays my showing live on the internet. I know that sounds irrational, but it’s possible because when I’m in the shower, I’m not in front of my computer to disprove it. Thus to give myself peace of mind, I shower in my bathing suit, or a wetsuit. I vary it for the variety.

Trying to Make Things Lighter

My neighbor’s dog, Shamus, loved coming over to my house. He spent more time here than at my neighbor’s home. One day I joked with Shamus that essentially he’s my dog. Shamus said he belonged to no one.

I apologized to Shamus. I said I felt stupid for seeing him in the wrong way. Shamus said I could use feeling dumb. I had a treasury of intelligence that was wearing me out with its weight.

Shamus picked up a squeaky toy, threw it and said, “Fetch, fetch.” I ran after it and picked it up in my mouth. I barked and we both laughed. That’s when my neighbor came over. He took Shamus and I haven’t seen him for months.

The other day I was feeling lonesome for Shamus and brought the squeaky toy with me to work. I was sitting in my office working on some client’s accounts when my head felt tired and heavy. I closed the door to my office. I took the squeaky toy out of my brief case. I threw it up in the air and caught the toy in my mouth. I bit the squeaky toy and shook it in my head with delight. That’s when my boss came in.

I dropped the squeak toy from my mouth and began to pack up my things. My boss asked me what I was doing. I said, “I’m fired, right?”

My boss reached inside his suit’s inner pocket and took out a small see through plastic ball with a loose metal ball on the inside. He threw the ball on the floor and it went under my bookcase. He got down on all fours and went crazy trying to snatch out the ball. He made cat hissing sounds.

One Thing for Another

I have a guitar that’s made of basal wood. I have to play it tenderly to keep it from breaking. I asked the guitar if it minded being so soft. My guitar said it feels mighty.

That day I stopped taking steroids. This greatly diminished my chances of wining the Mister Universe contest. But it helped me because of my great dislike of weight lifting.

My New Job

When Bradley Delp, lead singer of the band Boston killed himself, I was asked to step in and take his place. I was sad because suicide has a way of bringing everyone that’s still alive down. But I was also happy because I love their first album, and most of their second album.

Sleep Aid

Sometimes I have a hard time sleeping. So I take my rocket ship up to the Moon and lay inside its crescent. I fall asleep within seconds. I’d do this more often, but the cost of rocket fuel makes it prohibitive.

Peace in the Desert

I was lost in the desert. I wandered for a couple of days. I ran out of water and figured I'd reached the end.

But then I saw a lake in the distance. I crawled towards it. But I couldn't seem to get closer. I thought it might be a mirage. I'd seen them in movies. I thought it was just something made up for the plot.

Finally I collapsed and laid on the sand. I felt some peace knowing that it would be all over soon.

A vulture landed next to my head.

The vulture said, "How much longer do you think it will be? I'm kind of hungry."

I said, "I'm sorry. I don't know. I've never done this before."

The vulture said, "Well, could you hurry it up?"

I got angry. I become very uncomfortable when someone tries to hurry me along and I'm not there.

I said, "Forget it!"

My anger gave me strength and I walked two miles till I found an actual oasis. I jumped in the water and drank big handfuls. I felt alive again.

I went and sat on the shore. The vulture landed next to me.

The vulture said, "I'm sorry about what happened back there. I hadn't eaten for a while and I was edgy."

I said, "That's alright. I'm sorry I got upset at you."

We sat together in silence and watched the sun dance on the ripples.

Dig

I like digging holes. I remember when I was a kid and I would dig random holes all over my parents' yard. Some were a few inches. Others were more ambitious and would be two to three feet. I felt like I was creating art. My mom was a painter. My father was a glass blower. Creating was in our blood.

I saw the removal of dirt as a space art. I was creating something that was an absence.

My parents were supportive of my creativity. They had a showing of my hole art. They invited their other art friends over. I remember William De Kooning looking at a particular series I did called, "The 15 Holes: A Perspective of Nothing" and saying, "It's brilliant in that it isn't."

Gertrude Stein said, "The lad has capabilities that you have to imagine to see."

Norman Rockwell told me, "I wish I had your talents. It would have saved me hundreds of dollars in paint supplies."

Day Trip North

My dog Bloopers and I went to the North Pole today. Bloopers wore her green ski jacket and matching scarf. She doesn't get cold with her normal fur, but ever since she saw the outfit in New Dogzine Times, she had to have it.

When we got to the actual pole, we encountered a polar bear. Bloopers gave me an "are you kidding me?" I shrugged and looked at the polar bear and said, "Are you planning on eating us?"

The polar bear said, "I hadn't thought of it, but I am kind of hungry."

Bloopers is always thinking ahead of me. She took out two Cashew Cookie Lara bars and said to the polar bear, "Would you like these?"

The polar bear's eyes lit up. She said, "Why, yes I would!" The polar bear took her time peeling the wrapper and chewing the bars.

Bloopers took a photo of me next to the pole. To avoid further possible problems with the bear's appetite, we got back on the submarine and went home.

Helping Out - Part 3

I was walking through Central Park this afternoon when I heard some crying from behind some trees. I walked through them and came upon a badger crying. I went up to the badger and said, "What's wrong?"

The badger said, "It's all too much."

I said, "What in particular?"

The badger said, "I'm worn out and can't go on."

I said, "That's great!"

The badger said, "What?"

I said, "I think you need a nap."

The badger said, "oh."

I pulled together some leaves and made a bed. The badger laid down in the leafy bed and fell asleep within seconds. I covered the badger with leaves so the coyotes wouldn't discover and eat the badger.

Flexie's Discovery and the Dangerous Result

My dog Flexie was going nuts in my backyard. She was digging a pretty big hole. Normally I don't mind because I think it's good for the yard. I aerates the dirt and makes what's left of the grass thick and green.

But this time she'd dug about thirty feet and was still going. This would certainly interfere with my croquette matches with my neighbors, the Dumpstetts.

I yelled at Flexie, "No, Flexie, bad dog, bad dog!" I can't believe I even still say that. She just knows that she's got about twenty seconds to go intense and finish what she's doing before I pick her up and make her stop.

I jumped into the hole as she was uncovering the missile. I know, I was surprised too. She started barking at it and was about the bite the cone when I picked up her up. Talk about being too close for comfort. If she had bit the cone and the rocket exploded, she would certainly have lost her nose. That's a hard experience for a dog.

C. Dickens inquires About the Perplexities of Me

The ghost of Charles Dickens came by today. I always love when Dickens comes to visit. He talks so fast that it sounds like one long word that is very interesting. Kind of like a flute. Sometimes I'll close my eyes and listen to his music.

Dickens was carrying on for a while and he suddenly stopped. I opened my eyes because I figured he had left. Ghosts never say goodbye. I think it's because they know there is no end to anything. But then there he was, not talking.

Dickens finally said, "Oh my, I pontificate rhapsodically but it must be like a snake without an end to its tail."

I said, "No, it's good."

Dickens said, "No, my fine friend. Let's say that the season of this moment has fallen in your favor. What have you to say?"

I said, "I think sitting on my couch is underrated."

Dickens said, "Succinct is the Brooks."

From Later

I went to my mailbox and found a letter to myself from the future. I'd never seen anything like this before. I didn't even know it was possible. But I saw the postdate and it said, 8/23/2024. I opened the letter. It said:

"Dear Brooks,

The future is amazing. Not only can I now write to you from the future, but do you know how you fly in dreams? Well, we get to do it now for real. And no one bumps into each other. A lot of people were saying that birds would be jealous. But they like the sky companionship. The other day I was flying to the North Pole and I came across a flock of pelicans. At first I was really scared. Their mouths are huge and I was certain they would eat me. But they let me fly in their updraft and I closed my eyes and enjoyed the ride.

More later,
Brooks"

The Bath

I took a bath this morning. It felt good to sit in my tub. So good, that I fell asleep. Because I was so relaxed, I ended up evaporating.

When I woke up, I discovered that I had become mist. I floated out of my bathroom, out the window and up into the sky. I was a cloud for a while. Then I rained. When I landed in the lake I turned into me again. I think it was because I was a little scared.

The hardest part was having to walk home naked.

Fish Story

I went deep sea fishing today. I had a powerful fishing line that was made of tungsten steel. The fishing rod was bolted to the boat. I was determined to catch something big and powerful.

This thing is, when I caught the guppy I was initially angry. The other people on the boat made fun of me because I had boasted a sure thing catch like a marlin or whale. As the guppy twitched on the fishing line, it noticed everyone laughing at me, and me crying.

I think the guppy felt badly for me. It used all its might and resisted being caught. At first I was the only one that noticed. But then others saw the line swing back and forth. Then the bolts snapped and the fishing pole was pulled from the boat. I dove after the pole and fell into the water.

I was treading water and trying to reach the fishing pole. The guppy saw what had happened. The guppy came up to me and said, "Wow, I didn't realize I was so strong."

I said to the guppy, "Oh, my God! I couldn't believe it."

The guppy said, "I know!!"