On Second Thought

I went to the wishing well. I took out my change purse to fish out a quarter for the wish and by accident I dropped the change purse in the well. I thought I'd better make the best of it and I went wish crazy.

I said to the well, "I want to eat as much candy as I want and never feel sick, I want to live on the moon for a month and not have it be photographed by NASA, I wish the hardwood floors in my apartment became trees again and I would be living in a tree house, I want people to like me but not tell me because that would be exhausting, I want my shoulder muscles to not be tense, I want to be a blog sky writer because I would have more readers and it would be impossible for that Japanese company to spam my blogs, I want to be rich enough to not even know I have money, I want a fig tree that produces 25 new figs a day-"

The well interrupted me and said, "Wait, that's too fast, can you go back to the one about candy?"

I said, "Nevermind."

I went home and was greeted at the door by my pet Turtle, Schalmus. Schalmus took my hat and coat. I sat down and Schalmus brought me a hot toddy. I took a sip and relaxed. I thought, "Seriously, I have everything I need."

"Life is Filled with Disappointment"

I own stock in Watertown Industries. They are a company that makes life preservers. They've been around since 1875. Watertown is famous for saving the life of Teddy Roosevelt during the Spanish American War. Roosevelt manned a tugboat from Miami to Cuba thinking that the Spanish soldiers would think it was just a tugboat. But the thing is, Roosevelt was a meglomaniac and stood at the front of the tugboat with lights on him, while a small orchestra played the 1812 Overture. The tugboat was fired on by the Spanish and it sunk in the Bay of Pigs. The tugboat happened to be equipped with Watertown life preservers.

The thing is, yesterday I found out on the Huffington Post that Watertown Industries paid off government officials back in the 1932 to prevent the passage of the Chesterton Sink or Swim bill that would have subsidized the teaching of all Americans how to swim. Secret memos showed that Watertown Industries felt that it would have put them out of business. The thing is, I'm a crappy swimmer. I do some kind of self-taught tread-water crawl stroke that makes kids at the pool point at me and laugh. I blame Watertown Industries.

So I told my broker to sell all my shares of Watertown Industries stock. The thing is, I own ten shares, and the price had plummeted to ten cents a share. So after paying a commission, I ended up with a check for ninety cents. Now I'm angry about two things.

Letting Go

This morning I was having breakfast in my tree house, looking through my extra thick Webster's Dictionary when I fell in. I fell through many words. There was syncopationess, benefactortion, and peripheralocity. Each word was upset and said things like, "Hey, watch it!", "What the hell?", and "For Christsakes!"

I ended up getting tangled up in It's.

It's said, "Watch where you're going!"

I said, "I'm sorry. I'm stuck, can you help me?"

It's tried stretching to give me space so I could get out, but it was no use.

I said, "I'm stuck on your apostrophe. Could you drop it so I can get free?"

It's said, "No, my apostrophe is essential."

I said, "To you, but not to me."

It's said, "Without my apostrophe, people will mistake me for Its."

I said, "I get it, but most people know longer know the distinction. I think your apostrophe is no longer serving you."

It's sighed. Its hard knowing a part of your life is obsolete.

Eunice

I was getting ready to go to bed when I heard a rapping at my window. It was Eunice. She's a porcupine that sometimes ambles onto my property.

I opened my window and said, "Hi Eunice."

Eunice said, "Hi, Brooks. I saw that your light was on. I hope it's not too late."

I said, "No. What's up?"

Eunice said, "I was feeling lonesome. Can I come in for some tea?"

I said yes. Eunice came in. I made her some licorice tea.

Eunice and I ended up watching, "The Last Picture Show." It's one of my favorite films. Eunice had never seen it before. She said it was beautiful. I don't think she said that because she was feeling needy. It really is a beautiful movie.

Surprise Meal

This morning I woke up and smelled grits and sausage. I was happy because I felt hungry. But then I thought, "This is strange because I live alone." I cautiously tip-toed to the kitchen and saw an antelope cooking breakfast. I was enthralled because antelope are amazing looking creatures. I looked at the horns on its forehead and thought it was better than any art I'd seen in a while.

The antelope looked over at me and said, "Are you hungry?"

I said, "You bet!"

The antelope said, "It's just about ready. Why don't you have a seat?"

I sat down at my kitchen table. It was set with some mango slices on my plate. I couldn't believe it because I love mango too!

Mowing

I spent a lot of the day mowing my neighbors' lawns. I do this every 3rd Sunday of July. I mow 25 yards. It's my way of giving back. My neighbors love it.

The thing is, one of my neighbors doesn't mow his lawn all spring and summer as a way of getting back at me for the time I made a pass at his wife by accident at the summer block party of 2002. I drank 7 apple ciders and didn't know they were alcoholic and I saw her and I thought I said, "This is a fun party," but instead I said, "I'm a body landscape artist and I wanna prune your azaleas."

Visiting the Sun

It was so hot today. So I got in my rocket ship and road up to the Sun.

The Sun, as always, kindly greeted me. It gave me glass of lemonade with ice. I don't how the Sun puts the ice cubes in the glass without melting them, but that's the Sun.

The Sun said, "So why are you honoring me with your visit today?"

I said, "Well, Sun, it's just been so hot lately and I'm wondering if you can turn it down about seven degrees?"

The Sun said, "Hmmm, yes, I wish I could, but I can't. Have you thought of getting air conditioning?"

I said, "Yes, I considered a.c., but I thought it would hurt your feelings."

The Sun said, "No, not at all. Being the Sun is a creative act for me. I do what I do as a feeling. There's never an intent. So if you felt what I did on a particular day wasn't your cup of tea, I wouldn't take it personally."

I said, "Okay, then. AC it is."

Life is like a bowling alley. There are so many lanes to choose from, but essentially it's all bowling.

Misc. Tears

I couldn't stop crying. I didn't know why. I was embarrassed because I was drinking a tea at Starbucks and people were staring at me. A woman came up and asked me what was wrong. I sobbed that I didn't know. Someone guy taped me with his phone and put it on youtube. I saw some people pointing at me from outside through the front window.

Eventually the manager asked me to leave because I was disturbing people's beverage time.

I went outside and cried as I walked down the street. A dog came up to me and said, "I found a ball and I want to know if you'd like to play catch?"

I accepted the invitation. We went to an alley and I threw the ball and the dog ran after it. I was still crying. But since the dog didn't mind I was okay because it was like rain when you're wearing a bathing suit.

Preventative Affinities

I was at the library, checking out a book on hygiene for elephants when the librarian said, "According to our records, you owe the library $1,254.00 in late fees."

I said, "Wow, really? For what?"

The librarian looked at my computer record and said, "For The Diaries of Samuel Pepys, Volumes 1-30. You checked them out eleven years ago."

I thought about it. I couldn't remember checking these books out. The librarian said I would have to prove my innocence to get out of paying the fines.

I went back home and looked in all my closets, my garage, under my bed, in the shack behind my house, in my attic, the wine cellar, and the garret. There were no diaries to be found. But then I remembered the barn. I used to go everyday and sit in the hayloft and read. But then I developed hay fever and my doctor said I had to stop. I put on a face mask and ventured into the barn.

I looked around the hay and saw nothing. I got out the pitchfork and searched in the haystack. There in the midst of the straw were the thirty volumes of the Diaries of Samuel Pepys. And then it all came back to me:

I remember reading that in 1666 Pepys decided to chew tobacco as a prevention for the plague. I felt a kindred spirit because when I was in Kindergarten, I would chew pencil leads to keep from getting the constant colds that were readily passed around by my fellow students. I never got a cold. But I did miss a month of school due to lead poisoning.

It's About Time

I was taking a swim in the pond when I came across a ghost wearing green swimming trunks.

I said, "Nice bathing suit."

The ghost said, "Thanks!!"

I said, "I can never find green bathing suits. Where did you get it?"

The ghost of time said, "Target. But it was the last one."

I said, "Crap!...Oh, well. I'm Brooks."

The ghost said, "Hi, I'm the ghost of time."

I said, "Hey, how can you be the ghost of time? Time always is."

The ghost of time said, "No, you're mistaken. There's always the present moment, but when it's perceived and the mind takes a hold of it, it becomes time and dies."

I said, "My mind kills time?"

The ghost of time said, "No, your mind kills the present moment so it can eat it as an experience."

I swam off by myself. I felt depressed thinking about eating the present moment. But then I remembered my second grade biology teacher, Mr. Simkin, telling us that food doesn't mind being eaten because it gets the opportunity to become part of us and experience things in a new way, and I felt better.

Vacation from Science

I was taking a walk through the park when I was joined by the ghost of Charles Darwin.

Darwin said, "Good day to you, sir."

I said, "Good to meet you too. Do you often come to the woods?"

Darwin said, "I used to. I've been dead for a long while so I don't get out much."

I said, "I don't think it matters much since I don't get out often either."

Darwin said, "It's funny, when I was alive, I felt there was never enough time. I remember telling my wife that time was my arch-nemesis. But now time is like a deflated tire. It exists, but of what use is it?"

I said, "Can you smell?"

Darwin said, "Yes, why do you ask?"

I said, "Can you smell the cherry blossoms? They smell like airborne ice cream cones."

Darwin took a sniff and smiled. He said, "Oh my, what a heavenly aroma."

A Friend Visits Me

This morning I woke up in a sweat. My apartment was extremely hot. I thought that either my a.c. stopped working or my home was on fire. But it turns out that the Sun had come to visit me. We are friends from way back and it's always good to see my old friend.

The Sun was sitting on the end of my bed. The Sun said, "Here, these are for you."

The Sun handed me a bucket of ice cubes. I put the bucket upside down on my head and felt better.

I said, "What a nice surprise!"

The Sun said, "You are so funny, we spend everyday together."

I said, "I know, but I like seeing all of you."

The Sun said, "What are you up to today?"

I said, "I was thinking of going to a movie. Would you like to come?"

The Sun said, "What are you going to see?"

I said, "Chimps on the Moon."

The Sun said, "Oh, my God, I've been wanting to see that!"

Now and Later

This morning I had brunch with Lyle, my gopher. I had a bowl of my usual Capt'N Crunch and Lyle had sugar-coated turnips.

I said, "Lyle, we never know what's going to happen in the next moment, but the funny thing is we have strong convictions about the future."

Lyle said, "What's the future?"

I said, "That's the things that will be happening later."

Lyle said, "I don't get it."

I said, "Remember how earlier this morning you woke up, but now you're here? We'll this "here" was the earlier part of the morning's future."

Lyle said, "What?"

I said, "When this wasn't happening, it was the future."

Lyle said, "But this is happening."

I got frustrated, slammed my hand on the breakfast table and said, "Yes, Lyle, but at one time it wasn't. When it wasn't, it was the future!"

We sat in silence for a while.

Lyle said, "What toy was in your Capt' N Crunch box?"

I said, "A compass."

Lyle got excited and said, "Can I have it?"

I gave the compass to Lyle. He put the compass in his mouth and chewed on it for a while.

Buried Here

I ordered my grave-site and tombstone yesterday. I think I'll be around for a while. But it was on sale.

My tombstone says, "He was around for a while. Some people thought he was a tree."

My grave-site is behind the seven-eleven off of Main Street in Evanston. There's an open lot with some weeds. I don't care about the visuals. When you're underground you spend a lot of your time appreciating the dirt. Luckily I'm fascinated with worms. My feeling is that if I were worm, I wouldn't think about what I look like.

Jupiter!

This morning I took my rocket ship and sailed to Jupiter. As I orbited the planet, I couldn't stop looking at its shiny, vibrant colors. I thought, "I will never get tired of this." But then after and hour and a half I got bored and decided to land.

Upon landing on Jupiter's smokey and rocky terrain I was greeted by a group of Jupiterlings. They drew their ray guns and threatened to shoot me. But when they saw me smiling and unarmed they knew that I was okay and they took me out to dinner.

We went to a restaurant called, All Things Bitter and Disgusting. It turns out everything on Jupiter is presented oppressively, but actually they're all pretty nice. I had something that tasted as good as a Twinkie. I was glad because I had forgotten to pack snacks when I left this morning.

A Welcome Change

Last night I accidentally left the freezer open. When I woke up this morning my apartment walls and floor were coated in ice. My hair was frozen. I had an icicle hanging from my nose. The best part was watching my breath form in tiny clouds.

I actually enjoyed it. That was weird for me to notice because I don't care for the low temperatures in winter. People that know me will say that during the winter months I complain a lot and wish for an early spring.

I took advantage of this situation and slid across the floor. Voluntary sliding is the next best feeling to flying. I slid all the way into the kitchen. I woke up my dog. He got up fast and slid into the wall. This shattered the ice that had formed on the living room wall. The sound of breaking ice makes me feel that everything is going to be okay. Except the time when I was six and ice slid off the roof of our house and landed on my head.

Yes!

I went to the pet adoption fair. I looked at the dogs but couldn't find any I connected with. I skipped the cats because of my allergies. But then I found a llama and I felt, "Yes!"

The llama wouldn't fit in my car so I had to walk her home. I brought her into my apartment. She immediately scuffed up the wood floors. Then she started scratching her head on the walls and wore down the paint and put a hole in the dry wall. Then she sat down hard on my bed which collapsed and cracked the floor.

I knew I was saying goodbye to my security deposit. But the heart knows no bounds.

A Change For the Better

This morning I got on my donkey to ride to the town's well and get water for my family.

The donkey said, "Not today. I don't have it in me."

I said, "Okay" and walked the four miles to the well and back.

I poured some water into the donkey's drinking bowl.

The donkey said, "Thanks."

I went inside. I said to my wife, "I"m sorry I took so long. The donkey wasn't feeling well, so I walked."

My wife said, "Oh, I was wondering why you don't smell like donkey. It's nice."

Faith

I was feeling overwhelmed and decided to go to church to pray. It was hard because I don't believe in God. I sat down on a pew and started saying something like, "Um, God, if you were to exist, I would ask you for some help."

A priest came over and said, "My son, we all have our doubts about the Lord and He understands. That's why He's God."

I said, "Really, you have doubts?"

He said, "Of course. But I also have faith."

I said, "Faith means you hope something is true."

He said, "Our hopes are strong."

I said, "But that's like gambling."

He said, "Well, yes, in a way, but still it's a strong feeling."

I said, "One of my friends is a gambling addict. I used to lend her money because she had strong feelings that she would win. But I went broke and stopped funding her."

Washed

This morning I was doing the laundry and I leaned too far over the washer and fell in. I was tossed back and forth with the clothes. I got soap in my eyes. I worried about the bleach getting on my hair.

When the rinse cycle was done I got out of the washer. I noticed how fresh I smelled. I was astonished because I never get this clean when I take a shower!

Stuck!

I got stuck in my tub. Lately I've been eating quite a lot of food. I just can't stop eating candy and butter. In my mind I'm a food connoisseur. I pretend I'm on a TV cooking show. I'm Brooks Blenvenue, the french desert aficionado. I even have an accent.

So, I'm stuck in the tub. I'm afraid to call out to my girlfriend because she'll come in there and see how fat I've become. I make sure the only time I'm naked with her is at night under the covers and I comment on the extra thick rubber sheets.

It Seemed LIke a Good Idea

I had a chessboard made of chocolate. Because I'm hypoglycemic I didn't eat the pieces and was able to play and finish games. But I couldn't play someone who loves and can digest chocolate because they would eat the chocolaty pieces. I had to put an ad on Craigslist for hypoglycemic people who love to play chess.

The thing I discovered is, just because a person can't medically eat something doesn't mean they won't want to. So the few games I played were sullen events, because everyone wanted to eat the chocolate King and Queen and their subjects but didn't because it would have made them feel horrible.

New Roomate!

I got a new roommate. It's been a while since I've had a roommate. I'd gotten so used to living by myself and didn't want to change.

But I was hiking in the desert a week ago and I crossed paths with an armadillo. It's name is Chester. We walked together for a while. Chester said he'd always lived in the desert and never in an enclosed living space. I talked about the benefits of a house, like the rain not falling on your head, and a highly reduced chance of being eaten.

Chester got excited and asked if he could live with me. I asked how he would pay rent. Chester said he did a commercial last year for Bingston radial tires and because his expenses are so low he had quite a lot of money in savings.

Fruit!

Today I was walking along a road in the south of France. A car pulled up next to me. The woman in the car rolled down her window and asked me a question in French. The thing is, I don't speak French.

I took the flight to France a few days ago because I wanted to get away and France seemed like a place to go. Once I arrived in France, I felt like keeping to myself because I couldn't speak the language, and thus I took to walking along the side of the road and eating figs from random fig forests along the freeway.

I shrugged at the driver. She repeated her words. I smiled. She said, "You don't speak French?"

I said, "No."

She said, "Would you like some figs?"

My Place at the Signing

I was at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Do you know how when you do something in the moment, it doesn't mean that much to you? But later on when you reminisce, that same moment seems important and special. Well...

It was a hot day in Philadelphia. Back then we had to wear a lot of layers. If we showed anything other than our hands and face we were put in the stockades. That's where your hands and feet are locked up in latched-shut boards in public, and you can't even scratch your nose. That happened to me twice, once for sneezing in public, and the other time for thinking bad thoughts of Aaron Burr.

Everyone was lined-up in the big hall, sweating like waterfalls down King George's nervous back. It was an incredibly slow line. Back then we didn't have copies to pass out so everyone could take a look at the same time. Each person went up to the Declaration and read it. Actually they were read to. It was a rare luxury to be literate.

By the time it was my turn, I was so dizzy and impatient that I pretended I could read and I signed and quickly ran out to the muddy street and then up the Ye Old Tavern where I had a warm beer. A beautiful woman sat down next to me. I told her I just signed the Declaration of Independence. She told me she had scurvy and asked if I could make donations towards her repairs.

In retrospect, I feel like I did a good thing that day. Our country was limping by and we needed something to give us a boost of confidence. England didn't see it that way and twice tried hanging me. Luckily, back then the workmanship in rope was generally shoddy and seldom supported more than five pounds. As a recompense, I had to say I was sorry for what I did, and that I would do my best not to do it again.

Making Things Better

I was laying out on my hammock when a crow flew across my deck and landed on my chest. I opened my eyes and saw the crow's beady eyes looking into mine. Normally I'm a big fan of birds. Last week I let my niece's canary sit on my head and I didn't get mad and shove it off when it pooped on me.

But this crow was disturbing my afternoon take it easy.

I said, "What?"

The crow said, "You're on my hammock."

I said, "Perhaps yours looks like mine and you're mistaken."

The crow said, "I'm never wrong."

I said, "I used to think that way, and it turns out I was wrong."

The crow said, "I'm gonna peck out your eye."

I said, "Seriously, are you hungry? Is that the problem?"

The crow sighed and said, "...I lost my baby blue hat. It flew off in the wind earlier and I've been in a bad state since."

I said, "Where did you lose your hat?"

The crow told me and we went there to look for it. After about a half hour I found it. The crow was so happy. It put it's baby blue hat on and was singing up a storm. It even imitated a robin!!