Something New

My apartment's floor cracked open. I looked down the depths of the newly formed crevice and saw the gates of hell. I thought, "Wow, hell actually exists."

I called some friends and told them about it. They came over to take a look. Some took pictures with their camera phones. Another person said they hadn't been to church since they were a little kid and this made them think of going back.

Later that night I sat on the edge of my floor and played guitar. I played Hellhound on my Trail by Robert Johnson. I've never been able to play that song. But now I had something to associate with the words.

I got curious and scaled the crevice down to the gates of hell. There was an attendant. I said, "Are you Satan?"

The disinterested attendant said, "No."

I said, "Where is Satan?"

The attendant said, "I really don't know."

I said, "Can I come in and look around?"

The attendant scowled and said, "It doesn't work that way. Once you're in, that's it, okay? Geez."

I thought about how customer service seems to be bad wherever I go.

Defrost

In the morning I noticed icebox needed to be defrosted. It was filled with a solid block of ice. I got out my hair dryer and tried melting it with a half hour of hot air, but to no effect. I got out my rubber mallet and chisel from the tool box. I tried chipping away but I could make no dent. I left the fridge unplugged all day. I checked the freezer again at night but it was still full glacier.

So I did what I do with all things I get frustrated with, I had a talk with the ice block.

I said, "So, what's going on?"

The ice block said, "What do you mean?"

I said, "You know what I mean. I'm trying to melt you so I can put frozen food in the freezer, but you continue to remain."

The ice block said, "Oh, that. Well, I'm happy as I am."

I said, "That may be fine for you, but it interferes with my lifestyle and peace of mind."

The ice block said, "That sounds like your problem, not mine."

I said, "What is it you want?"

The ice block said, "I want things to stay as they are."

I said, "What if I found you a place to live that allowed you to be as you are, but just not in my freezer?"

The ice block thought about it. The ice block said, "That would be okay with me."

I went to the UPS store by my house. I bought a special shipping box that allows a frozen item to stay frozen in transit. I showed and explained the box to the ice block. The ice block loosened and fell into the box. I had the box shipped to a friend who works at the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Research Station.

Change

My father manufactures rugs. He's owned and run the business for forty years. He took over the position from his father, who inherited it from his father.

My dad called me into his office and said, "Brooks, I'm ready to hand over the reigns of my carpet kingdom to you."

I said, "Thanks, Dad, that's very generous, but I decline."

My dad said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "No, I'd prefer you have someone else do it."

My dad said, "But carpet's are synonymous with the Palmer moniker."

I said, "Dad, the nature of life is change, nothing remains the same.'

My dad said, "How dare you bring philosophy into this!"

I walked out of his office. I got in my car and drove home. I laid down on my hardwood floor. I relaxed and thought about what's next.

The Father of Our Country

I was taking a bath when the bathroom door flew open and the ghost of George Washington appeared. I recognized him from the quarter and the one dollar bill. He was angry.

George Washington said, "Where's my wooden teeth?!"

I said, "I-I-I don't know."

George Washington said, "I need you to find them right now!!"

Then I realized I was feeling anxious and scared. Ghosts are initially disconcerting. And my bath time is sacred. It's my time to shut off the world and relax. I was in a vulnerable place. At that moment, I didn't care if he was our first President or that he helped us defeat the British in the Revolutionary War.

I stood up and pointed out the door and said, "Get the hell out of my bathroom!"

George Washington looked down and saw that I was naked. He was embarrassed. I covered myself up and thought, "God, the humiliations never end."

Pinball

I love pinball. I have three pinball machines in my living room. One is a Star Wars pinball machine. Another is the rock band Styx pinball machine. And the third pinball machine's theme is Little House on the Prairie.

Last night I was sleep walking and I woke up and discovered that I had somehow ended up in the Little House on the Prairie pinball machine. I would have been okay, but my wife, as she always does, sleep walk followed me and ended up at this particular pinball machine. I tried yelling at her to wake her up. But continued to snooze and in her unconscious state she turned on the Little House pinball and pulled back the lever and sent the metal ball flying.

I ran like a crazy man to avoid the ball. I leapt and and dodged. It was difficult. My wife is really good at pinball. In the midst of my dashing about, I thought about how funny it was that I was in a machine that never existed at the time of the story of Little House on the Prairie. The closest thing they had was a stick with a string that was attached to a ball. The Ingall girl's got to play with it on Saturday's when they finished their chores.

A Nice Chat

Last night I went to a bar and sat next to a porcupine. We shared some beers together.

The porcupine said, "I'm really happy that you sat next to me. Others always sit on the farthest stool away."

I said, "You don't seem mean."

The porcupine said, "I'm not. Even when I shoot my quills. Those become darts when I'm scared. Then I usually regret the pain I caused."

I said, "I'm the same way."

Juice

I have a job on a battlefield. I'm not a soldier. Or a general. I make lemonade and distribute it to the soldiers. I think it makes a big difference in the soldiers days. They always seem happy to see me. I used to think it was the lemonade. But it was just made with lemons and 4 cups of sugar. I think it's my full body yellow lemon shaped suit. And the song I sing:

"Tra-la-la-la-la
Lemons! Lemons! Lemons!
I'm a lemon serving lemonade!
Would you like some?"

Proof of Existence!

I went into my closet to get a shirt when I fell through a crack in time. I landed in the year 1650, on top of the desk of René Descartes in France. Descartes happened to be in the midst of "Discourse on the Method and Principles of Philosophy."

I apologized and helped Descartes re-straighten the items on his desk. I said that I'd fallen from the future. He didn't understand me though because I was speaking in English. I think I was so flustered from the time travel that I didn't think to switch languages.

I looked down at his writings and saw in French, "I think, therefore I am." This made me so angry because I hate philosophy. Especially Descartes. Whenever I hear it uttered, it makes me feel like life comes to a screeching halt, and everything comes crashing into it. I picked up the paper and tore it to shreds.

Descartes said, "What the hell are you doing?!"

I said, "You don't have to prove existence. This alone is evidence enough.

Descartes said, "How can I be certain that what I think I see with my eyes is in fact being grasped solely by the faculty of judgment which is in my mind?"

I said, "No! Stop that. Seriously. Weren't you listening to me? You are here. If you weren't, you wouldn't be."

Descartes started to write that down. I grabbed his pen and threw it out the window into the moat. Descartes got very angry. I forgot that it was hard to come by pens back then. I told him that in the future everyone has too many pens. I pulled a Bic out of my back pocket. He was fascinated and couldn't believe that he didn't have to dip it in ink.

Companionship

I took the weekend off and went to the Arctic Circle. I was walking on some ice when it broke off and floated out into the Arctic Sea. I felt like an idiot floating out in the middle of nowhere on some ice. I think it's because I felt helpless and vulnerable. Those are pretty awkward feelings. But then I felt like a triple idiot when I started to cry because my tears turned into icicles.

I think I was about to totally lose it when a polar bear swam by me and my floating iceberg raft and said, "What's wrong?"

I said, "I'm supposed to be on vacation and everything's turning to crap!"

The polar bear said, "I felt that way last year when I took a trip to Bangor, Maine and was caught and put on display in a cage at the Bangor Zoo. At least you don't have people constantly snapping your photo."

I said, "How did you get out of there?"

The polar bear said, "There were budget cuts. It turns out my cage cost the most to maintain because of refrigerating such a large amount of water. So they set me free."

I began to feel better. It helps to have someone to share life's situations with.

Interesting Thing

The squirrel outside my window said, "What are you doing?"

I said, "I'm writing my Better Late than Dead blog."

The squirrel said, "How do you decide what to write about?"

I said, "I write interesting things that happen to me during the day."

The squirrel said, "Am I interesting?"

I said, "Yes, actually I'm writing about you now."

The squirrel got embarrassed and said, "Well, what are you saying about me?"

I said, "I'm just writing our conversation."

The squirrel said, "Do you have any peanut butter?"

I said, "Yes."

The squirrel said, "Can I have some?"

I went into the kitchen and scooped some peanut butter with my fingers. I came back to the window and held my fingers out to the squirrel who nibbled away.

The squirrel said, "That was delicious. Thanks...Oh, my God, are you writing that down too?"

I said, "Yes."

The squirrel said, "Ahh...I gotta go."

This Morning in Hollywood

There are movie stars all over Los Angeles. This morning I walked to the corner to get a newspaper and I ran into Mickey Rooney and Elizabeth Taylor who were out walking their dogs together. I was nervous and worried that they might start talking to me.

Mickey Rooney said, "Good morning."

I said, "Ahh, yes, yes, I think it's really going to be a good one."

Elizabeth Taylor said, "Good day."

Mickey Rooney and Elizabeth Taylor kept on walking past me. I thought, 'A good one, Brooks? Are you kidding me?'

As I got to the newspaper dispenser, Marlon Brando was just ahead of me. I was scared because I thought he was dead. He looked back at me and saw my shocked looked.

Marlon Brando said, "I know. But I'm not dead. You can't trust the press. When I read about my death I got very upset. But then I thought, 'Whatever, it's just someone's opinion.'

I think because I was nervous, I stupidly said, "I liked you in Superman." I thought, 'Oh, God, Brooks, seriously? What about the Godfather?'

Marlon Brando said, "Well, thank you very much."

Then he got two papers out of the newspaper dispenser and handed the second one to me.

He said, "No one has to know."

As I was walking back to my hotel room, I came across Angela Landsbury watering the garden in her front yard.

I said, "What a beautiful garden!"

Angela Landsbury looked up and said, "Yes, I agree, it's looking good, but I can't rest on my laurels. It can always look better. Water and weed, water and weed, water and weed."

I thought, 'Why couldn't she have just said thanks?' And then I thought, 'Maybe I shouldn't keep talking to celebrities since it makes me so uncomfortable?'

Then Angela Landsbury said, "Would you like to come in for some tea?"

I said yes.

We drank our teas out on her porch. The sun was cascading across the garden. Bees were pollinating the freshly blooming flowers. It was so quiet that I could hear the bee's wings buzzing. The tea relaxed me. The sun reached my toes. My body felt warm. I started feeling better.

Star Sightings

I'm in Hollywood this week. Last night the ghost of actor Charles Laughton came to visit me. I told him that I really enjoyed his performance in the movie about Rembrandt. He was very touched. He said that he liked knowing that people still cared about what he did after he died.

He then introduced me to his wife Elsa Lancaster. She's also a dead actor. I said I liked her in Bride of Frankenstein. This embarrassed her. She nodded and quietly said thanks.

Then we all took a walk up to the Hollywood sign. It's amazing to look down at the city all aglow. Did you know the Hollywood sign is made of crystallized marshmallow? I ate a little. It was delicious!

Date Night

I have a special relationship with my goldfish, Jeanie. I take her everywhere I go. I put her in a sealable sandwich bag filled with water, and tuck her in my jacket pocket. Last night we saw Date Night. She really likes Steve Carell.

When I was driving home from the movie, she opened the seal and said, "Do you think Steve Carell likes fish?"

I said, "I think he would like you."

Jeanie said, "Can you talk about me on your blog in case Steve might read it?

I said, "Of course."

Jeanie said, "Can we see the movie again?"

I turned the car around and headed back to the theater.

Better Than Reading

I was at the library. On a whim I pulled a book about Duke Ellington off the shelf and everything disappeared. I thought, "Oh, no, I've gone back in time!"

Suddenly it was July 7th, 1956 and I was at the Newport Jazz Festival. Mr. Ellington just got off stage from playing his set. He was sweaty and exhausted.

He looked at me and said, "Who are you?"

I said, "Brooks Palmer. I was at the library and I traveled through time to right now."

He said, "What time did you come from?"

I said, "April 8th, 2010."

He said, "Oh my God! What's it like?"

I looked around, then I said, "Well, the clothes are different. Umm, the haircuts are more varied."

He said, "Do people fly through the air in electric cars?"

I said, "Nope. Oh, we carry our phones in our pockets."

He said, "What? That's amazing. Is there world peace?"

I said, "No. Science proved that it's not possible. So people still fight, but at least they don't feel guilty about it anymore."

Someone from the press took our picture.

The flash brought me back to today. I was still holding the book about Duke Ellington. I flipped through it and found a photo of me standing next to Mr. Ellington backstage at the Newport Jazz Festival. I xeroxed the picture on the library's copy machine. When I got home I taped the xerox to my fridge.

Crossing the Street

I was standing at the corner, waiting for the light to change. A few minutes went by. Then five minutes. I got impatient. I thought of trying to take my chances and cross the road, but there was a lot of traffic.

Soon it was fifteen minutes. A few other people were standing with me. Someone commented that the light must be broken. Someone stepped out into the street. A car honked at them and the person jumped back on the curb.

A half hour later there were about twenty of us waiting at the curb for the light to change. One person was yelling at the cars to stop. Someone else called 911, but 911 said they could do nothing about it. Another person used their phone to go on facebook and complain about the circumstances.

The situation was exhausting so I laid down on a patch of grass and took a nap.

When I woke it was night. A dog was sniffing me.

I stood up. There was no one waiting for the light to change. The red street light came on. The walk sign lit up. I crossed the street.

I Made a New Friend

I'd had enough and went for a walk deep into the woods. A couple hours in, I came across President Obama. I was surprised. It's pretty rare to actually see the President in person.

I said, "Hey!"

Obama said, "How's it goin'?"

I said, "Great, I love the woods."

He said, "Me too!"

I said, "My favorite tree is a redwood. What's yours?"

Obama said, "Birch. I like sketching them. Take a look at these."

He took a sketch pad out of his jacket pocket and showed me some light drawings he did of birch trees. They were okay.

I said, "Those are okay."

Obama said, "Thanks. Hey, would you care to walk with me for a bit? We can talk out loud about our tree observations."

I wasn't too enthusiastic about that since I like my quiet time in the woods, but I was feeling intimidated by the 12 Secret Service men that were watching me from a few feet away. So I said, "Yes!"

Difficult Goodbye

This morning my pet rock said to me, "I've really enjoyed my time with you, but I'm ready to go back into the earth."

Well, I cried. I felt like such an idiot. I couldn't believe a rock had captured my heart.

I said, "Are you sure?"

My pet rock said, "Yes...Um, I'd like to go now."

I said, "Sure, okay."

I put my pet rock in my pocket and went to the garage and got out my shovel. I looked around my backyard for the right spot. I dug a three foot hole. I took my pet rock out of my pocket and tossed it in the ground. I started covering my pet rock up with dirt.

My pet rock said, "Thanks."

I said, "I'm going to miss you." Tears poured out of my eyes as I filled up the hole.

Money Problems

I won $32,000 in a local lottery. I was paid in cash. I had a hard time trying to stuff the bills into my wallet. It was impossible to then fold my wallet. I put my wallet in my pocket and half of it stuck out of my pocket. I was paranoid that someone would see all my money and try and rob me. I held both my hands over the extended wallet and proceeded to the bank to deposit my winnings.

On my way to the bank, I decided to stop and get a coffee. I took out my wallet to pay for the coffee. But I had an extremely difficult time trying to take out a bill. The person at the register tried holding the wallet and I pulled on the bill, but it wouldn't budge. People in line behind me got upset. The person behind me paid for my coffee just to get me out of there.

I went to the bank. I took out my wallet and gave it to the bank teller and asked her to deposit it. She said I would have to take the money out of the wallet so she could count it. I told her about my dilemma. She called the bank manager. He examined my wallet and asked the janitor to come over. The janitor took out some tools and tried to dismantle my wallet. He tried using a screwdriver, and sprocket wrench, and a small hand saw. But the cash wouldn't budge. By then the bank was closing and I had to leave.

I went home and had a hunch to put the wallet in the freezer. The frigid temperatures have a way of shrinking things. In the morning I took my wallet out of the freezer. The money slipped right out. I put the money in a pillow case and brought it to the bank. The embarrassing thing was that I didn't factor in the bank teller's reaction to my Speed Racer pillow case.

My Trip to Niagara

I went to Niagara Falls with some friends. We were drinking beers at the outdoor bar at the top of the Falls and got kind of drunk. My friends dared me to get in a barrel and go over the Falls. I'm easily encouraged and so of course I said I'd take the dare.

We found a barrel behind the bar. My friends packed me inside. They threw me and the barrel over the fence at the top of the Falls. A few seconds later I went over the edge.

It was a pretty intense feeling. It reminded me of the roller coaster's first drop. I thought my stomach would pop out of my body. But then I pretended that I was in a spaceship shooting through the solar system. I imagined my rocket ship was zipping through the Milky Way. I could see the beautiful and colorful stars. I got excited when I thought one of the stars was looking at me and winked!

The barrel reached the bottom of the Falls. I felt the barrel being picked up. The lid was taken off and I was greeted by the Niagara Falls police. I was arrested. I spent the night in jail.

That evening I looked out the jail cell's window at the night sky. The stars were extra bright. I noticed the star from my barrel experience. It winked at me! I thought, "Oh my God! It's true! It's true!"