Why I'm Tired

I was woken by my pet ant, Alfredo, who was on the floor, tugging at my sheets.

Alfredo said, "I'm hungry, can you get out of bed and put some crumbs in my bowl?"

I said, "Alfredo, I'm sooooo tired. Can you just look around for crumbs on the floor under the dinning room table?"

Alfredo said, "I did. Twice!"

Somehow I found the strength to get out of bed. I walked to the kitchen, sliced off a piece of bread, crumpled it up and put it in Alfredo's bowl.

I went back to bed. I tried going back to sleep. Alfredo came my again and tugged at my sheets.

Alfredo said, "Thanks for the bread crumbs. Can I have some water?"

A Difficult Morning

I was writing in a cafe when I realized I was naked. I thought at first that I might be wrong. My imagination is pretty strong and I can think something is happening when it's only going on in my mind. But I took myself in, and yes I was naked. I forgot to put clothes on when I went out that morning. Sometimes I get so lost in my mind that I forget things.

I snapped into action. At first I pretended that I wasn't naked. I figured this way no one else in the cafe would realize that I was naked. I continued drinking my tea. I looked out the window with an easy gaze. I pretended to have an important thought in my mind.

Then I packed up my computer. I stood up and covered up my privates with my computer case. I didn't look down to make sure I covered up all the details. I figured my looking would attract others' attention. I looked straight ahead very intensely figuring that anyone happening to look in my direction would be interested in what I was looking at.

I walked towards the exit. My friend Felicia Chalmers came in saw me. She said, "Why aren't you wearing any clothes?"

Everyone in the cafe looked up from their computers and looked over at me.

I panicked and said, "someone in the cafe stole my clothes. I was busy writing and didn't see who it was...I'm so angry....urrrrrrr!"

She said, "You forgot to wear clothes when you went out today."

I said, "No, someone, you know, just...yes, you're right...I'm so embarrassed."

She gave me her coat and I put it on. The weird thing was I was more humiliated wearing her coat because it was bright pink and had flowers and lace.

I Took a Different Way

I was walking through the park when I fell through a mole hole. It was kind of exciting to be underground. There's a was a very fresh smell of dirt. After a minute my eyes adjusted to the darkness. I started to crawl through the mole's tunnel.

I came upon a worm. The worm said, "The mole's gonna be pissed you're in his tunnel?"

I said, "We'll see about that. I'm actually a very likable person...Oh, you might want to be careful about sticking your head out of the ground for a little while, there are a bunch of robin's above ground looking for lunch."

The worm smiled and said, "Thanks."

I continued my tunnel crawl. I came upon the mole. At first the mole squinted at me. I was thinking that the mole was not used to seeing a human in their tunnel. I held out my hand and said, "Hi, my name is Brooks."

The mole said, "Oh, hi, my name is Do-Ta-Ta-do." I shook its little paw.

Do-Ta-Ta-do said, "Would you like to visit all my tunnels with me?"

I said, "Yes, indeed."

I spent the rest of the afternoon visiting Do-Ta-Ta-do's 36 tunnels. I was inspired by his ingenuity getting around tree roots.

To the Rescue

It was cold this morning. I was shivering in bed. My teeth were chattering. I tried saying, "But I thought it's Spring?"

Then I heard a tapping at the window. It didn't want to get out from under the covers, but the tapping was insistent. I ran quickly to the window. It was the Sun. I opened the window and the Sun came in.

The Sun said, "I heard what you said and I came at once. Go ahead and bask."

I took off my clothes and held my arms outstretched. After about a minute I was mighty fine and toasty.

I said to the Sun, "Would it be okay if you stayed a while?"

The Sun said, "Absolutely."

Problem Solved!

I made a really nice fire and laid down in front of the fireplace on my polar bear rug. I closed my eyes and felt the heat of the flames on my body. Then suddenly I heard the roar of a multitude of thoughts come into my head.

I sat up and said, "What the hell? Get out of here now!!"

But my thoughts continued in their rampant fashion. I was about to yell at my thoughts again when the polar bear rug said, "Let me take care of this, Brooks."

The polar bear rug picked me up by my right foot, held me upside down, and shook me. My loud and disturbing thoughts came pouring out of my mouth, where upon they were eaten immediately by the polar bear rug. I thanked the rug.

I laid back down on the rug and enjoyed a nice evening of relaxing by the fire.

Putting a toe in the water

My therapist said, "I think it's time that you stop seeing me. You seem to be okay. I feel like I'm taking your money."

I said, "But what if I feel nervous and insecure?"

My therapist said, "It's like I've been telling you, those are normal feelings."

So I went out into the world. I was a little nervous. I bought and ate a candy bar. I accidentally ate the wrapper along with it. But it was still pretty good. I started feeling better.

I went to get gas for my car. I got scared of the gas tank. So I drank a little gas and felt relaxed.

I went to the post office. The postal employee said, "How can I help you?"

I said, "Do you have a stamp with my face on it?"

The postal employee said, "Let me see." She looked and lo and behold she did. I bought a book of twenty because it helped increase my self-confidence.

I went to the ocean. The Ocean said, "Long time no see."

I got nervous because I thought the ocean was upset at me. But then I thought, it's normal. The ocean is loud. It's waves crash. That's what it does.

So instead of reacting, I said, "It's good to see you too."

Attempts at Solace

I needed to get away so I caught a flight to Nigeria, Africa. When I arrived I took a cab out to the open plains. There was no one but me and my suitcase. I sat on my suitcase and took it all in. It felt good to have the sunlight bake my head and face. I got drowsy and laid down and took a nap.

When I woke, it was night. I couldn't see anything. I tried to move, but I felt constricted. It turns out I'd been eaten by a lion. I was so angry because I'm come to Nigeria to get away from my problems. In my frustration I punched the side of the lion's stomach.

The lion said, "Hey, cut that out!"

I didn't say anything at first because I was intimidated. But then I said, "This is bullshit!" I started punching the lion's stomach like crazy.

The lion started rolling on the ground. This made me dizzy and I stopped punching.

Then I heard a voice in the lion's stomach say, "Your punches are futile." I lit a match and saw a Boll Weevil. I said, "What do you recommend?"

The Boll Weevil said, "My pinchers don't allow me to tickle the stomach walls, but your fingers can."

I tickled the lion's stomach. The linings of the stomach wall contracted. The contractions squeezed us upward and we popped out of the lion's mouth.

The lion didn't want to have to go through that again and took off.

I thanked the Boll Weevil. In further gratitude, I gave it one of my cotton t-shirts for dinner.

Blooper

My dog just said, "Can I write today's blog?"

I said, "Sure". So, here's Blooper!:

Hi everyone, I'm Blooper. First I want to say, I'm not Brooks' dog. I don't think he would like if I said Brooks is my person.

Second, I want to clarify that this is not a special event. You may look at me and say, "Awwww, the cute dawgie is typing!" But I'm not any different than you. Sure, I'm covered with hair and I walk on all fours. But I'm aware of myself as an individual the same as you. I have thoughts. I have a name. I have certain foods that I like, and those that I dislike. I like affection. I like to have fun.

Plus we both have animal instincts. Brooks and I will be out for an easy going walk when all of a sudden I see a squirrel digging for acorns, and I go nuts. I can't help running after it with the hopes that I can kill and eat the rodent. But I've seen Brooks, in the midst of some intellectual exposition, suddenly see his girlfriend without a shirt. I don't want to go into details about what happens because he's easily embarrassed and will delete this, but I'll say we suddenly become equals.

Anyway, I don't expect you to change your views of dogs overnight. We are pretty cute creatures and it's hard to not say the silliest of things to us. I saw myself in the mirror yesterday and I was like, "Awwwww, look at you!!! I want to pet your furry little head!"

Thanks for listening.
Yours,
Blooper

In Season

I saw the snow on the ground. I went outside to the snow and said, "Um, excuse me, are you lost?"

The snow took out a sheet of paper with map quest directions, handed it me and said, "Nope, I'm supposed to be in Evanston, Saturday morning, 6:30 am."

I said, "Well, who told you to be here?"

The snow said, "I don't know know their name. They gave me this last night and said, "Be there!""

I said, "If I asked you to leave, would you go?"

The snow said, "It's not that easy. There's paper work. Then there's the wait time. It make take a few weeks."

I got a gas can and a hose from my car's trunk. I siphoned gas from my car's gas tank. I poured the gas on the snow on my lawn. I took out my lighter and I lit the gas and within a minute the snow was gone.

I went back inside and sat down and looked out my window at my charred front yard. I thought, "I love the first day of Spring!"

Bible Story Uncovered

Jesus had a dog. It was a St. Bernard named Buggie. They went everywhere together. When Jesus was knocking over the money lenders' tables, Buggie was right behind him, barking. During the Last Supper, Buggie was under the table eating scraps dropped by the disciples.

The original version of the Bible featured the stories of Jesus and Buggie. But the Catholic church deleted Buggie from the text because they felt that the dog was so lovable that he overshadowed Jesus.

Living and Dying in Simplicity

I got a new place to live. I bought the land and then built on it. It's in a graveyard. I actually bought a plot. I got a good deal because not many people have been dying lately.

It's a three story home. It's the width of a grave. The top floor is my bedroom. The middle has a TV and comfy chair. The first floor has a small fridge, a stove and a table.

It's very quiet at night. It gets plenty of sunlight because there are no buildings blocking the sun. And there's plenty of parking.

The great thing is when I die, the cemetary staff will move my body down to the basement.

Dedicated to

I was writing at home when I heard a voice outside the window say, "Hey, why don't you come on out?"

I went to the window and opened the shades. The maple tree in my front yard waved one of its branches and said, "It's nice out. I'd like to see you."

I'm a sucker for the tree so of course I went outside.

The tree said, "What have you been doing?"

I said, "I was writing some poems. They were about how much I like nature. One of them was about you."

The tree said, "Oh my God, that's so nice. Can you tell it to me?"

I said, "Let me see if I can remember it...Umm...Tree, my favorite beautiful tall magesticky, I love how you try and reach the sun, I believe in you so much that I know one day you will!"

The tree cried and hugged me with one of its branches. The tree said, "That was beautiful. No one's ever written a poem about me before!"

I said, "Oh, I've got a whole notebook of them about you."

The tree said, "Can you read them to me?"

I said, "Really?"

The tree said, "Yes, please!"

I went back in and got my notebook and then came out and sat under the tree and spent the rest of the afternoon reading to the tree.

Getting Along

I have a lizard for a pet. Everyday I feed her crickets for breakfast. She goes nuts and scrambles after the crickets, wolfing them down with abandon. But one morning about six months ago she ate all the crickets but one. I thought she must have missed it. She'd find it later and chomp it down.

I got home later that night and was surprised to see the cricket alive and wandering freely around my lizard's cage. The next morning I fed my lizard the crickets and she ate all of them except for that one cricket. I checked in on my lizard in the afternoon and found her curled up with the cricket under her arm. They were napping together.

Six months later, this cricket is still alive. Sometimes the cricket rides on my lizard's back. They often bathe together in the water dish. I caught them once kissing behind the log in the middle of the cage.

Trials and Tribulations

It got towards the end of the week. I'd gone five days without coffee. I didn't know how I was going to make it. I couldn't remember why that I quit. Was it that I couldn't sleep well at night? Or maybe that I had to drink a cup an hour otherwise I'd go into a tailspin. Maybe it was because my girlfriend said she didn't like kissing me anymore because my teeth were turning brown and I smelled like mouth acid.

I laid down on my bed. I curled up into a ball. I cried without a reason.

My dog looked up from the floor and said, "Let me pour you a cup, I can't stand to see you in such a miserable state."

I folded and said, "Okay."

My dog went to the kitchen and put a spoonful of Kilsner's Instant Coffee into a cup and added hot water. He stirred the mixture and brought it to me. I tried holding the cup but my hand was shaking too badly and I spilled half the contents. My dog set the cup on the ground.

My dog said, "It's okay. Drink it like me. At least you won't burn yourself."

I got on my knees. I bent down towards the cup and the phone rang. The message machine clicked on. It was my girlfriend. She said, "Don't drink the coffee!...Brooks, if you drink it, we're through!"

I looked over at my dog. He looked at the half full cup. He looked back at me and nodded. I got down on all fours and drank the cup. I stopped shaking. My breathing went back to normal. I was smiling again.

My girlfriend hung up. The dial tone came on. The message machine clicked off.

My dog said, "Well, at least you still got me."

Something Good Came Out of It

My swiss cheese company went out of business last week. We used to be the biggest producers of swiss cheese in the midwest. But tastes change. I think I got over confident because we had a strong 12 year run. My wife lobbied the past two years for Monterey Jack and string cheese, but I ignored her suggestions. It's like my astrologer said, "Being Aries makes you cocky."

Today I sat in my warehouse and felt badly. Then I noticed: sulking is not enjoyable. So I got up and I opened the back door to my factory. The rats and mice were in the alleyway scrambling for tiny crumbs of food. I said, "Hey, who's hungry?!"

They looked up, but were apprehensive.

A mouse said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I said, "No, I'm serious. Come on in."

The rats and mice came inside and then assembled in the main area. I said, "I'm sorry for my efforts to exterminate you over the years. I'd like to make it up to you." I opened the doors to the refrigerated rooms which contained over 15 tons of swiss cheese. "Enjoy!"

The mice and rats went nuts gorging on the swiss cheese. One of the rats looked up from his cheese and said, "Thanks Mr. Palmer, this cheese tastes great!"

Made Up

The bear and I made up. We sat together on the dock overlooking the lake.

I said, "It's nice not fighting. I feel like I can breathe again."

The bear said, "I know. I was so angry at you that I found myself constantly thinking of ways to eat you."

I said, "Really? Like what?"

The bear said, "I imagined you pointing your finger at me the way you do, and I open my mouth and eat you whole in one bite, finger first."

I said, "...I thought of calling animal services and telling them that you had foam coming out of your mouth, and you were waving a gun."

We sat in silence for a while. The bear put its paw in my palm. I squeezed its paw. We watched the sun come down.

Spring

I went outside and found the snow melting and receding into the earth. I put on my swim trunks and ran out and into to the lake. The water was cold. It made my mind and heart slow down.

I floated on my back in the water. A whale came by. The whale said, "It's good to see you again."

I said, "It's good to see you too."

We floated together for a while.

I said, "What did you do for winter?"

The whale said, "I was down in the waters of South America for five months."

I said, "How come you don't stay down there?"

The whale said, "I like hanging out with you."

I said, "Me too."

A school of shrimp came by.

The whale said, "LUNCH!"

The whale ate half of them. He saved the other half for me. I collected them together and sat on the whale's back and ate them. It felt good to let the sun warm me.

You Never Know Who's Going to Show Up

Last night I went to a local open mic to tell my stories. What a night! The ghost of musician Buddy Holly showed up and signed up to perform. Everyone was so excited. It was going to be his first performance since he died in 1959. I was thrilled. One of my favorite songs is, That'll Be The Day." Buddy Holly got up on stage and people got out their cell phones to take pictures.

The thing is, there’s something about dead people on stage. It turns out they forgot the words to their songs. They also keep falling over. We knew he was dead so we overlooked an understandable handicap. But then his left arm fell off. I jumped up on stage and tried putting his arm back on. I think it was from my years of playing with G.I. Joes and snapping their arms back on. But his arm wouldn't stay. It was awkward. I ended up setting it down next to him on a chair. And then there was the smell...

It turns out his guitar was dead too. I mean, I guess that makes sense. Why wouldn't he have a dead guitar? The wood was rotten which made it out of tune.

I think a lot of us felt badly for him. But there was nothing we could do. It was too hard to watch so we went outside to smoke. I don't smoke. But I was feeling so out of sorts from it all that I smoked a pack and a half of camels.

Clouds

I wrote a book about clutter that came out last year. I just finished writing my second book. It's about clouds. I interviewed them. It turns out they’re depressed. They feel badly that people get upset when they block the sun. The clouds take it personally. They are just doing their job. If they didn't do what they did, famine would spread over all the lands. I think it's going to be a bestseller!

Flow

When I was six I visited the circus for the first time with my family. It was so exciting for me to see the elephants, acrobats and tigers. I loved the circus music. I stuffed myself on cotton candy.

But then tragedy struck. My dad went to get some popcorn. A few minutes later there was a big commotion. Someone said there was a terrible accident out by the concession stand. I ran out to see. That's when I saw that my dad had been run over by the clown car.

The clown car's door opened. One by one the clowns got out. Eventually there were 16 clowns standing around and looking down at my dad's unconscious body.

I walked over and pushed my way through the clowns. I cried. One of the clowns gave me a flower. I held it in my hands. Water squirted out of the flower and sprayed my dad's face. My dad woke up. He looked up at the clown's faces and then mine. He smiled.

I said, "Oh, my God, I love the circus!"

The Early Days

I went to my first open mic when I was 5. My parents gave me a ride and dropped me off at the Village Green Tavern in Boston. Back then there were a lot less writers in the world. So the people who came were often well known writers. That night there was J.D. Salinger, John Cheever, and Kurt Vonnegut. They read excerpts from their latest works. They smoked and drank and swore onstage. They made jokes about grammar. They said really mean things about their publishers.

I got onstage and nervously read a story about my dog. It was called “Rover’s Revenge”. I wrote it for my kindergarten fiction writing class. It was about how my dog Rover was very kind and friendly, but then he would fall apart when squirrels taunted him from the trees as I took him out for his walks. He would shake, and foam at the mouth. One time he went nuts and ran up a tree. I hung onto his leash and got pulled up with him. Rover ran through the branches eating one squirrel after another.

When I was done with this story, I got off stage and sat in a corner booth and cried. Earnest Hemingway came over and joined me. He gave me a mug of cherry coke. I said, “That was horrible, I can’t believe how much I sucked.” He said, “Kid, I feel the same way every Goddamn time I get offstage. Welcome to the world of being a writer.”

I said, “Then why do it?” Hemingway said, “When you realize you feel that way about everything you do, then why not?”

I smiled and then threw up on Hemingway's lap. He had me kicked out and I was told to never come back. I’ve been writing ever since.

Taking a Break

I own a space ship. I like to take it out for drives in the solar system when I feel like I need a break from the Earth.

Last weekend I ventured out to Callisto. This is one of the moons around Jupiter. It's kind of ugly and desolate, but the nice thing about visiting Callisto is its privacy, you're guaranteed to not run into anyone else. Europa is the most colorful and beautiful of Jupiter's 63 moons, and because of this you can't go anywhere without running into noisy tourists. I feel, if you're going to get away, get away.

I set up my plastic airtight tent in the Syntex crater on the northside of Callisto. I got out my feather bed and a desk and a chair. I did some writing and then I retired to my bed for a nap. Whenever I sleep on Callisto, it's all deep sleep, I never have any dreams. Because of this, I only need to sleep two hours. Then I got in my space suit and went for a walk with my dog. He wore his suit too.

The really nice thing about space travel is you can't go online or check email. I say this because it doesn't matter. There's something about being on Earth that makes being online seem necessary. But then there I was walking my dog on Callisto, feeling so peaceful, and having a vague thought about the internet and thinking, "Yeah, whatever."