Interchange

I stopped at a rest stop on the 5 Freeway going north in California. I sat down at a picnic table to have lunch.

I looked up and was surprised to see a squirrel in one of the trees.

I said to the squirrel, "I can’t figure out how you got to this place. They're just five trees at this rest stop. They're no other trees for miles, just crops and the freeway. It doesn't make sense."

The squirrel said, "I have no recollection how I got here. I guess for some unknown reason life puts us in strange places that end up becoming our homes."

Today's Guest Blogger: Bessie the Kangaroo

My name is Bessie the Kangaroo. I'm today's guest blogger on Better Late Than Dead!

I wanted to share a poem I wrote:

Life is short and brutal,
most things don't make sense
and those things that do just make me sad -
except grazing!

Sometimes I think that I would like to start my bread company. I really like bread. The smell of bread baking excites me. But I have no self-control and I'm certain I would eat everything I baked.

I wish I could wear a hat. It's difficult though because of my ears.

Sometimes I look up at the sun and think, "It's so small, I think I could pop it in my mouth and suck on it all day."

Making New Friends

I went on animalmeetup.com. It's a website that helps different species to meet up in situations that they normally wouldn't. I was so tired of having to go to the zoo to meet different species. I think it was an uncomfortable experience because the animals were behind bars and this made them more tense and distracted than normal.

Yesterday I had coffee with a deer. She asked me about the clutter busting work that I do. She said that it's next to impossible to have clutter when you live in the woods. I said that I've wanted to live in the woods for years, but was worried that I would miss cooked food.

The Mailman

My mailman is a bear. He's an actual bear that works for the U.S. Postal Service. He wears the uniform. Just the shirt and hat. When you're a hairy animal there's no point in pants.

Sometimes in the winter when I get my mail, it smells like bear. Do you know the smell of a wet dog? Well, I think because my mailman walks on all fours, his paws are constantly wet from the snow and he handles the mail and, oh well.

For Christmas I left him six trout wrapped in newspaper. For a week my lobby smelled like fish and bear.

You Never Know What's Next

Life seems to change all the time. Nothing stays the same. I expect one thing, something else happens.

Last night I thought I would have a quiet night at home to myself. I made some popcorn and sat down to watch Amarcord. It's a movie by Federico Fellini. I'd been wanting to see it for years. Then the ghost of Joseph Stalin, the General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, came by.

It was awkward because my couch is big so there was extra room for someone to sit down. Plus I had made two big bowls of popcorn. I always over make the popcorn. I'm enthusiastic. But I never eat all the popcorn. And the movie was just starting. Not to mention that Stalin is gregarious, and he plopped right down on the couch, grabbed a handful of popcorn and said, "What are we watching?!"

I told him, "Amarcord." He looked so unhappy and said, "What else have you got?" I said, "Laurel and Hardy?" He got excited and started laughing, so of course I got out and put in the Laurel and Hardy movie. He had so much fun watching the movie that I forgot about my disappointment of not seeing Amarcord or having alone time.

Afterwards we talked. I told him that I'd been feeling depressed by the Chicago winter. He told me that he felt the cruelty he inflicted on many of his countrymen while he was in office was due to his own seasonal affective disorder. He said the relentless snows in St. Petersberg drove him to despair and madness. This culminated in his ordering the assassination of his own doctor, Miron Vovs. He said, "This act of insanity bit me in the ass two months later when I was poisoned and there was no doctor around to save me, and I died...Oh, well, you live and learn."

Insight by Accident

I was walking in my backyard when I fell into a hole that took me to the center of the earth. At least I think it was the center. I fell for a very long time. But sometimes things seem long because of the resistance to what's happening.

So, there I was, sitting on dirt, overlooking an ocean of lava. I remembered a geology class I was required to take in high school where the teacher called this magma. I thought the word had more meaning to me now since I was actually seeing the thing itself.

I felt so tiny amidst this tumultuous sea of fire. It was a good experience because lately I'd been thinking a lot about my problems and this put things in perspective.

Interlude

I was playing guitar in my kitchen. A squirrel came to the ledge by my kitchen window. She tapped on the glass to the time of the rhythm of my playing. I was excited to have a fan, and played the chords more strongly. She began to dance. I was amazed because I'd heard that humans are the only animals that dance to music.

When I finished the song, I opened the window and she came in. I got out some almond butter and put it on a plate and set it on the kitchen table. She helped herself.

While she ate, I made up a song about her:

"She laps up the day, with her tiny bites,
I think of her leaping from tree branches under the pale moon light,
She's Sheila McSquirrely, she lives in a penthouse leafy nest,
and she's my lunch time guest."

Sheila said, "That's amazing that you can make up songs so easily.

I said, "I'm in awe of your ability to climb up and down a tree with just your spiky finger nails."

What Passed By

I sat out on top the hill with my goat, Mr Terrance Strump. I ate a roast beef sandwich. He ate a tin can and a light bulb.

I said, "Today seems like a week. Not in a never ending kind of way. But like it's stretched out with separate rooms without doors."

Mr Strump said, "I've never seen time with divisions except that sometimes its darker than at other times."

Suddenly a storm cloud appeared in the valley below. There were flashes of light and some thunder bellowing inside. A bolt of lightening shot out of the cloud and hit the apple tree. The tree went up in flames.

I said, "I really want some apple pie."

Mr Strump said, "My life is easy because everything is edible."

Daisy Seize came walking by. I said, "Hi, Daisy." Mr Strump bayed.

Daisy Seize said, "Well, what do you know. Evanston's two most handsome men, I knew it was going to be my lucky day." She kept on her way and soon disappeared over the hill.

I said, "Goddamn, she drives me crazy!"

Mr Strump said, "I want to eat her shoes."

Time Spent With my Friends

I love the woods in my backyard. I know it intimately. There are 782 trees. I've named them all. There's Tilda. She's an oak sapling. Next to her is Tex. He's an older birch. Twenty feet away is Rifki. She's a massive redwood.

Sometimes the wind blows by and picks up their whispers and delivers them to me. I heard Dahlia, an apple tree say, "Sometimes I watch you walk by and think, 'it's so weird that he doesn't have roots.'"

On Being an Alarm

The mouse went running across the floor. I was laying in bed and could hear the little patter of its mouse pads. I looked over to the floor and saw streaks of gray shooting from one place to another.

I said, "Hey, mouse."

The mouse stopped. Its eyes darted in all directions. Its breathing was quick. The mouse said, "What?!"

I said, "Why are you running? I have no intention of hurting you."

The mouse said, "Yes, but what if there was a cat."

I said, "I have none."

The mouse said, "Okay, well, but what if one found its way in here? You can't over guess the mind of a cat."

I said, "I'm very allergic to cats. If one even stuck its head in here I wouldn't be able to stop sneezing. You can use me as your cat alarm."

The mouse said, "Okay...Would it be okay if I watched some TV?"

I said, "No, it will keep me awake."

The mouse said, "Well, then I'm not sure what to do?"

I raised my sheets. The mouse climbed the side of the bed and got under the sheets with me. We spooned and fell fast asleep.

Around 2 am I woke with a sneezing fit. I looked around and saw a tabby cat sniffing the bedroom floor. I felt for the mouse. It had climbed into my pajama top pocket. It could feel its little body trembling. I got up out of bed and chased the cat out of the bedroom. The cat jumped up on the couch and darted out the open living room window, which I was certain I'd closed when I went to bed last night. I closed the window and locked it.

I looked down into the pocket and said to the mouse, "I'm so sorry to have doubted you. Are you okay?"

The mouse said, "Yes, thanks. Wow, you were right about your allergies. Once I heard you sneeze, I thought, "CAT!!!" and hid in your pocket."

We were both pretty wired from the excitement, so we had some cheese to help us calm down.

Forgot and Remembered

I felt nostalgic and watched a super 8 movie of my first steps. I got so excited when I saw myself going for it. I went from a crawl to one foot on the ground. I shakily got the other foot in place. I wobbled and swayed in place. Somehow one leg shot out and I was triumphant! But then I fell flat on my face. Unfortunately it was on concrete. The camera got dropped while it was running and my dad came running over to help me. I was crying and my nose was bleeding. Our dog, Blendy, came into the picture and started licking the blood from my nose.

Blendy was an interesting dog. He used to howl at the sun. This embarrassed my dad and he wanted to return him to the pound but my mom wouldn't let him. Blendy also got crushes on our neighbors' cats. Blendy would try and hump them, but it wasn't possible because he was a Great Dane. He would get into these contorted, shakey crouches and the cats would look back at Blendy and his bright red penis, with a "What the hell are you doing?" look.

That night after watching my first steps movie, I had a dream where I was sitting on the beach and Blendy came up to me and started licking my head.

I said, "Blendy, it's you!"

Blendy said, "Hi, Brooks!"

I said, "Blendy, I've missed you."

Blendy said, "Me too. How are you?"

I said, "Blendy, my life is very confusing. I've forgotten how to have fun."

Blendy said, "That's because it's fun to remember."

What It's All About

I was working at the Playboy mansion. Because I was working, I wasn't distracted by the beautiful women. I carve ice sculptures.

I made an ice sculpture of of a lion sitting with a poodle. I imagined that the lion didn't eat the poodle because they were friends when they were a cub and puppy. Though I thought that sometimes the Lion got hungry and thought of eating the poodle, but he realized that after eating and feeling satiated, he would then feel regret.

One of the centerfold models came by and watched me work. I looked up and asked her what she thought. She said she felt they were two sides of her personality. She said that sometimes she's like a poodle, all concerned about her haircut and figure. Then at other times she's like a lion, laying out all day, soaking up the sun, imagining what she's going to eat for dinner.

I said, "Yep, that's it!"

The Alternative

Anything that takes me away from sleep is an inconvenience.

Unless it's a job that allows me to buy a better bed.

How It All Began

When I was a kid, I used to write little stories about my day. Once when I was six I wrote a story about the time my sister and I walked a mile to buy gum at the 7-11. I called it, "Defeating All the Odds: Risking my Life for the Sustenance." My mom read it and got really excited. She told me that we were related to Hans Christian Andersen and that my story was as good as his, "A Journey on Foot from Holmen's Canal to the East Point of Amager". She said his was a story about the time his mom sent him by himself to the general store for a drop of amalgam.

My mom was not one to risk missing an opportunity, so she sent me to go to school at Klink's Border University in Nova Scotia. It was a advanced learning institution for kid's ten and under. Their motto was, "Wee ones, tantamount to fastidious scholarlings!" It was a hard environment where I was compelled to write up to seven and a half hours a day. As I had done at home, I continued to write about my experiences. One of my stories won me the Newberry for Tots Award. It was called, "Sitting at my Desk: Watching the Seat of My Pants Wear Down."

My mom flew out to see me accept my award. She stood up and applauded. Afterwards she gave me a bouquet of roses. I was now eight and a bit more mature with some peach fuzz growing on my chin. She said that it made me look like a distinguished author.

Finding My Way Around a Difficult Situation

My next door neighbor is Tom Petty. He's a good friend and sometimes we hang out. The hard part is my girlfriend hates his music. So I kept his friendship secret. My girlfriend would say, "What did you do today?" I'd say, "I played guitar and watched TV", but I'd leave out, "...with Tom Petty."

After a while this way of hiding began to wear me out. That's the thing about secrets, they don't take up much space, but they are so heavy. I thought of a way around it. I asked Tom if he would make an album of cover songs by her favorite performer Enrico Caruso. Her favorite song of his is, "Vesti la giubba". She loves singing out loud, "Recitar! Mentre preso dal delirio,non so più quel che dico,e quel che faccio!" It's all about a clown with a big smile on his face, who is crying on the inside.

Tom loves all kinds of music so he said, "sure". The album came out a month later and I bought a copy and gave it to my girlfriend. At first she got really mad at me because she saw Tom's name on the CD. But then I played it on her boom box and she started jumping up and down and singing, "Recitar! Mentre preso...", you know the rest.

A week later I told her Tom lives across the hall from me and that we like to hang out. She frowned briefly, then remembered, smiled and started to sing Tom's version of Caruso's "La donna è mobile". I like being more honest. But I'm not sure I'll tell her what the songs means.

Yesterday afternoon

I spent seven days watching TV. I was feeling beat and couldn't focus on anything else. I was feeling and looking kind of pale and withdrawn. I imagined I looked like a shadow.

My dog came up to me and said, "Brooks, can I interrupt?"

I didn't look away from the TV. I said, "What?"

My dog said, "It's rather important."

My dog is a creature of few, but essential words. So I looked away from the TV and said, "What?"

My dog took my hand in its paw and lead me off the couch. He walked me out the backdoor, across my backyard and to the river's edge. There was a boat at the dock. It was unusual and amazing. It was made from sticks, trash, logs, tires and it was held together with wire and twine. I knew my dog well enough to know it was paw assembled.

My dog led me onto the boat. He unhitched the boat and the current took us downstream. We sat for over an hour without saying a word. I could feel the life coming back into me. Funnily I felt like I was a TV screen that went from black and white to color.

The boat flowed into a neighboring lake and soon came to a stop. Since there was no wind, there were no ripples. The lake looked like the sky. I imagined we were flying on a magic carpet.

My dog said, "I sometimes come out here for hours and do nothing."

I said that I was thirsty. My dog pulled up a plastic baggy that was hanging over the edge of the boat into the water. It contained a can of cherry soda. He opened it and gave it to me. I drank it while he lapped at from the lake water. His drinking created ripples which gently swayed the boat.

Highlights!

I went to a fund-raiser for the zoo where I paid for a giraffe to give me a massage. Afterwords I found out the giraffe lied and took the money and went out and got drunk. The thing is, it was a great massage.

I got two-way glass for the window by my shower. One side you can see through, the other side is a mirror. I got it so I can look out the window naked as I shower, and people can't see in. But I installed the glass the wrong way and people saw me naked...I got to see me naked too!

I had a hard time walking through a blizzard. At one point I looked up and saw the Abominable Snowman. I waved. The Abominable Snowman waved back. It's good to make friends during tough times.

Successful Wishing

Things got really better in my life when I had a wishing well built in my backyard. I figured it would benefit me to have a wishing well that would only have my wishes. There would be no competitive wishes. The well would only focus on what I wanted.

In addition, the well had to made just right. I had to have the well walls made with limestone. Limestone is partially soluble, especially in acid. It's forthright in the development of erosion which is necessary for wish development. When you make a wish, the energy of your intention transfers from you to the coin. The coin is then tossed into the well. There needs to be a significant amount of acid in the well's water to erode the coin, which releases the wish into actuality.

I used to think that success in life comes from trying hard, or having a lot of luck. I tried both. Occasionally things would work out my way. But most of the time I'd be frustrated with the results. The wishing well works in accordance with my general sense of laziness and my love of Celtic folklore architecture.

Yesterday my neighbor asked if he could make a wish in my well. I had to say no. He said that I'm a selfish asshole. I felt badly. But then I tossed in a coin with the wish to feel better, and today I'm starting to feel happy again.

Moved

I was watching TV when I noticed a trail of ants crossing my living room floor. I got up off my couch and got in at the end of their line. I followed them into my kitchen. They were taking pieces of my coffee cake away. I took a piece and followed the line through my living room, out the back door and down into their underground ant farm.

I dropped the crumb off in their receiving room. The ant in charge looked up at me and then back at the crumb and then quickly back to me. The ant ducked.

I said, "Don't be scared, I'm not gonna step on you. It's my coffee cake and I don't want it back, I was just curious. You have an amazing place. I can't believe all the tunnels. I wish my place had this many passage ways."

The ant said, "Well, thanks. We encourage creativity here."

I said, "Can I move in with you guys?"

The ant said, "Sure."

I moved in that day with my TV and the rest of my stuff.

Last night my new friends and I went on a wedding cake run at Pierson's Cake Shop.

Tonight we're watching the Super Bowl. I don't mind explaining the game to them.

I LIke My Job

I own a potato farm. I make a living by selling the potatoes to local markets.

I tried growing lettuce but the bunnies kept coming in at night and eating most of the lot. I grew watermelon one summer, but I ate most of the crop. I even tried growing taffy. Taffy has one of the highest markups of any product on the market. But then I found out that taffy is a product of things that are grown out of the ground and I'm lousy at assembling things together.

The great thing about being a potato farmer is that the potatoes talk with you as you water them. I remember one morning when I was watering and a potato told me, "You know, you're so dependable with the hose. I appreciate that so much that I don't mind you'll soon be picking me and selling me for meals."

This made me cry. My tear went into the ground. The potato said, "Now that one tastes good!"

A Winter Accessory Has Something to Say

Brooks decided to take a break from writing his blog today and asked me to be a guest writer. I'm his winter scarf. Initially you might think, "how does a scarf type?" You know those tassels at the end of a scarf? Well, they have muscles and I developed them into excellent typing fingers. I'm quite proud of my skills!

I want to tell you about my history:

Many years ago, people shivered from the cold winter winds. They tried blocking the wind with their hands, but the wind slipped past and made people oh so cold. February 2nd, 1358 in Delcin, Italy a scarf was mysteriously found on the winter snow in the town square. People didn't know what to make of it. One person said, "How could one wear this? There's no holes to slide your legs, arms or head through?" Another said, "Maybe it's a fabric sample that was lost by a traveling fabric salesman."

A three year old girl was walking by with her parents. She was shivering so much that a witness said she looked blurry. She saw the scarf, went over and grabbed it and wrapped it around her neck. She stopped shivering. She actually did a little dance. Towns' people were stunned. They went to Stenbrook, the town tailor and ordered scarfs from him. Thus the scarf was created.

Some think the original scarf was a gift from God. He saw that people were suffering and materialized a scarf. I think that's probably not true. Anyway, I just wanted to share with you some of my history and to let you know I love my job!

I Got Some Clarity

I live in a very cold part of the country. I have to bundle up with long underwear and many layers of clothing before I can go outside. Sometimes I'll open the front door and feel the cold wind and air on my exposed nose and it's too much and I quickly close the door. I have to put on even more clothes and my ski mask before I can even think about trying to venture out again.

Last night the Sun came to me in a dream. It said, "Look, you're actually a sun too. You took human form to see what it's like to feel sunlight. You made yourself extra sensitive so you could realllllly feel it." I said, "That makes sense. No wonder the cold bothers me so much. It's the anti me." The Sun said, "Yes!"

I woke up the next morning and ran outside in my underwear. There was a blizzard going on, but it didn't bother me. I felt quite warm. Actually I started sweating. I was so relaxed. I even started skipping.

My next door neighbor came out in his winter outfit and said, "Brooks, are you crazy?! What the hell are you doing?!?" I sang, "I'm the Sun!!!" He nodded and said, "Oh, I see. Okay." I think he understood because of my strong conviction.

The Other Night

Saturday evening I was out for a walk when I was picked up by a UFO. I was intimidated at first. The nice thing was they did ask if I wanted to come with them. I appreciate graciousness.

They let me sit in the cockpit. What a great view. It reminded me of when I was seven and went on a helicopter ride and couldn't believe how amazing it was to see so much while flying.

The "they" looked like the reflections you see on a lake. They were colorful and shiny and reflected the things around them. They even wiggled in the similar way that a lake does when waves cause the reflections to shimmy. I didn't get caught up in it though. I enjoyed the friendly feeling we had together.

We ventured up into space. There wasn't much to see. It's so dark out there. I mean, you can see stars way off, but mostly there's nothing to look at. I guess that makes sense, it's hard to look at nothing.

They served me a drink. It was kind of like fruit punch, but better. Normally I don't like sugary things. When I go to restaurants, I have to ask for unsweetened iced tea. But I ended up having four glasses. I think this made them happier because they shimmied faster.

We passed some planets. They were pretty. We drove through the Milky Way. That was nice. We caught up to an asteroid. That was fun because it was like driving your car alongside your friend's car on the freeway. You're giddy because you're looking at each other and occasionally at the road, and you know you might crash, but you don't.