A Mistake Becomes a Solution

I was feeling a general sense of consternation and decided to clear my head and go for a walk. It was snowy and cold and I had to look down so as to not get snow in my eyes. I learned the hard way last year when I tried to brave it and my eye lashes froze together. I had to feel my way home and then when I got there, used a hair dryer to thaw out my lashes.

I had walked for a couple of hours when I decided to look up. I was deep in the forest. I looked around and just saw snowed covered trees. It was now night. I was cold and tired. I saw a cave and went in to rest and warm up. I found a spot on the ground and curled up and took a nap.

When I woke, I was surprised to find myself spooned by a sleeping bear. The great thing is it was very warm. I thought this was better than any electric blanket, down comforter combination I'd ever come up with. I couldn't believe how comfortable I felt. The thing about true comfort is it erases all worries from your mind. I wasn't considering that I might be the bear's dinner. I actually thought, "Maybe the bear just went into hibernation and I can enjoy this for a while." I fell back asleep.

I awoke in the morning. The bear was still behind me. I was still quite comfortable, but I was hungry and decided to get up. I started to lift the bear's arm that was around me.

The bear said, "Where you going?"

I said, "...I thought I'd get some breakfast."

The bear said, "Can I come?"

I said, "Yes."

We walked a half mile and went to a local diner. I had an omelet. The bear had bacon and eggs.

While in mid-bite I was overcome with emotion and said, "Oh, my God, I think I'm in love with you!"

I Don't Know German

I was washing the car when the ghost of Johann Sebastian Bach came by to visit. It was awkward because he was wearing an elaborate, multi-layered outfit and I was afraid of getting him wet. It was tricky because he got really close to the car and the hose. Neither of these things had been invented while he was still alive and he was intrigued. So I had to stop washing the car for a moment.

The problem occurred when he asked me a question in German. I don't know German. I'd like to have spoken it because I could have answered him and asked him some questions. This is one of the reasons I don't travel much.

When it comes down to it, I don't think I ever got over the frustration of not being able to learn or speak English until I was seven. I tried hard, but it came out as non-sense sounds. My parents got furious because they couldn't invite people over. They spent thousands of dollars on tutors. The weird thing was I learned the alphabet when I was three. I said the letters clearly and accurately. I just couldn't use them to form words.

Since we couldn't have conversations, and to alleviate the tension, my parents bought a TV when I was seven. Within two months I learned to speak. I think it was because the TV had no expectations. It seemed happy to have my attention. In some ways I think of the TV as my mom and dad.

So, I shrugged my shoulders and smiled as Bach spoke. He got it, smiled and shrugged back. He went on his way. I went back to washing the car.

A Busy Day

By mid-afternoon I was overwhelmed and decided to take a bath. I poured a warm bath with the appropriate amount of salt and eucalyptus oil. I turned off my phone, lit a candle, got undressed and sat in my tub.

All my anxieties disappeared. I felt like a cloud floating high above the desert. I felt a light tickle in my heart. It vibrated. I thought, "What the hell is that?" Then I remembered, "Oh, yeah, that's happy."

I didn't want to lose this feeling. So I stayed in the tub. After an hour, the water cooled down and I began to feel anxious again. So I added some more hot water. Once again I felt joy.

I repeated this pattern for seven hours. It had become hard to maintain the happy feeling. I was tired. My body was pruning. I was feeling dizzy. The only thing that seemed like it could bring me fulfillment was to leave the tub altogether.

I got out of the tub and felt great joy. I dried off, pulled the plug, got dressed in my pajamas, turned out the lights, and crawled into bed. I thought, "What an exhausting day." I fell fast asleep.

Middle Ground

I came home to my cold apartment to find my fish tank frozen solid. My goldfish was suspended in mid ice. He could move his eye barely enough to register a,"what the hell?!"

I lit a fire in the fireplace and sat the fish tank next to it. After an hour the ice had melted.

My goldfish goes, "tell me why we moved to Chicago again?"

I said, "when we lived in Florida, you complained when the sunlight made your tank water boil."

My goldfish said, "I know. It's just hard to find a middle ground."

I said, " Tell me about it."

Realization

The squirrel slept at night in a nest of leaves in a tree, and spent his days looking for nuts on the ground.

Then one day he got tired of being a squirrel. There was nothing else he could do, so he thought he would end it all by jumping off the cliff into the ocean. He stood at the cliff edge, waiting for some courage.

A german sheppard came by and said, "What are you doing?"

The squirrel said, "I'm done being a squirrel. I'm going to end it all."

The sheppard said, "Well, where does that leave me? I look forward to chasing you everyday."

The squirrel, "I'm sorry, but that's not my problem."

The sheppard was distraught, jumped off the cliff, and landed in the waters below. The squirrel thought that was a rather rash reaction, changed his mind, and went back to being a full time squirrel.

The next day the squirrel was out looking for nuts. Suddenly he stopped and thought, "Boy, it's so nice no longer being chased."

Fido

I have a pet Pterodactyl. It's name is Fido. She lives in the backyard. We tried keeping Fido indoors, but it kept knocking things over with its immense wingspan.

My favorite thing to do with Fido is take her out for walks. Most of the walk is spent in the air. Fido takes off and I'm flying behind her, gripping onto the leash. At first it made me nauseous. Pterodactyls are predatory creatures, and fly very high in the air, floating on air currents, as they scouted the ground for food. Fido would see a small furry creature and would do an immediate dive and gulp up the critter. The quick descent was hard on my stomach. But then, as with all things, I got used to the plunge.

The funny thing is, we have a poodle named Oodles who is great friends with Fido. They play in the backyard all day, and Fido has never once tried to eat Oodles. Fido will actually lay on her back while Oodles pretends to bite Fido's neck.

The Thing About Ghosts

Last night while cooking myself a delicious egg and potato dinner, the ghost of Nathaniel Hawthorne stopped by my kitchen.

He said, "I'm the ghost of Nathaniel Hawthorne."

I think it's interesting that ghosts identify themselves in that way. It sounds apologetic. "Um, I'm sorry, I hope you don't mind, but I'm a ghost..."

I said, "Hi, the currently living Brooks Palmer."

He started laughing. It broke the ice.

Hawthorne said, "I've been reading your blogs. I like the humor. It's good concise story-telling."

I said thanks.

Hawthorne continued with, "When I was living and writing, we didn't have computers or TV. We had long stretches of un-designated time between meals. I think that's why my novels had long, what could be seen as perhaps sometimes meaningless passages. It was like I was married to my thoughts, emotions and moral equivocations, and knew them in great detail. Thus, they would fill the pages of my novels as the Salton Sea attempts to fill the presumed emptiness of the Death Valley."

My head was starting to hurt. I was being reminded of trying but not being able to manage or survive reading Hawthorn's moral tale of "The Scarlett Letter" in Junior High. It was required reading for English Lit. I had to copy off Jimmy Harper's test to maintain my C+ average.

Hawthorne said, "I'm sorry, I feel that I am intruding. I'm going to excuse myself and move on into the night." I nodded and he left.

That's the great thing about ghosts. They know what you're feeling. It saves you from having to lie or pretend.

humbled

I was eating my chocolate pop-tart this morning. In mid bite my teeth crunched on something hard. I spit it into my hand. It was an elaborate gold ring. I went online and researched rings. I found a photo of the exact same ring worn by King Tut when he was entombed. I was happy because I was having lunch with friends later and I usually have nothing to say and I was thinking this would be interesting.

I went to lunch. As I was about to tell everyone my story, my friend Ted told me that while he was eating his strawberry pop-tart that morning, he bite into a ring that turned out to be King Neferhotep's burial ring. He then sold it on e-bay for three million dollars.

I didn't say anything because I'm modest and basically adverse to competition.

Different Plans

I got an elephant on this trip. I tried coaxing it into the elephant travel container I bought from Petco. I finally got it in there, but then it was too heavy too carry. I had to let the elephant go. I got on the plane. I sat in my seat and looked out the window. The elephant saw me and raised it's trunk and made the elephant sound. It broke my heart.

I got off the plane. I'm riding the elephant back home. It's going to take a little longer. But I'm looking forward to seeing things on the ground that I couldn't see from the air.

I won!

I had one day left to my visit in Los Angeles. I decided to rent a boat and go out on the ocean. I rented a Waterford X19. They are amazing speed boats. I got the boat up 112 miles per hour. Because the water and the sky were similar colors I felt like I was speeding through the sky on a jet.

The thing is I was having such a good time I didn't notice the fuel gauge and I soon ran out of gas way out in the ocean. There were no other boats around me. I couldn't see land. I didn't have a radio or phone. So I panicked. Panic makes you do funny things. I tried yelling. Even while I was doing it I thought, "Dude, no one's gonna hear you." Then I tried leaning over the edge of the boat and paddling. In mid-stroke I saw a school of tuna swimming by underwater. One of the tuna looked up at me and rolled its eyes. Then I thought I saw a plane in the sky. I jumped up and down and waved my arms like crazy. It got closer and I saw it was a pelican. I started to cry.

Paddling, yelling, crying, jumping up and down and waving makes you tired very quickly. I gave up and sat down in the boat. Suddenly I realized how quiet it was. There was just the wind and the waves. It was like a meditation CD. I relaxed and fell asleep.

When I woke it was night. My boat was hugging the side of a huge yacht. I got up and walked onto the yacht. There was a party going on. It turns out it was a 200th birthday celebration for Edgar Allen Poe. A few people were dressed in raven costumes. Some were dressed like a heart. A woman was meowing in her black cat costume. A guy was wearing a shirt that said "My sister visited Amontillado and all she got me was this lousy shirt."

People asked me who I was supposed to be. I told them my story about how I got stranded in the ocean and my feeble attempts to save myself. I ended up winning the prize for best story of the night.

Wishing

I went to the wishing well. I made a wish. I threw in a quarter.

The wishing well said, "That's not enough."

I said, "What?"

The wishing well said, "The amount you paid, it's not enough for what you want."

I said, "Well, how much extra should I pay?"

The wishing well said, "What have you got?"

I counted the rest of my change. I said, "$1.45"

The wishing well said, "How about your wallet?"

I counted my cash. I said, "$74.00".

The wishing well said, "$75.45."

I said, "Are you kidding me?"

The wishing well didn't say anything. I paid the $75.45.

I went home. I sat on my couch. I waited. I started feeling angry about the whole thing. Hours went by. I fell asleep.

I woke up. There was a ten foot chocolate Easter bunny wrapped in plastic next to me. I was so happy! I tore open the plastic and started in.

Time Spent in the Outdoors

I was hiking in Angeles Crest Forest. I heard a rattling sound. I looked down and saw a rattlesnake a foot in front of me. I thought, "Do I run or stand still?" I hate when I ask myself questions that I can't answer. Not only am I still in the predicament, I also feel kind of dumb.

The snake's head was drawn back, it's mouth was open, and it's teeth bared. I suddenly became fascinated with it's fangs. I thought, "How does he close his mouth with such huge fangs?" I liked this question because it made me feel curious. Maybe the snake's fangs folded up. Perhaps they retracted. Maybe they hung out the side of his face like sideburns.

The snake slithered away. I followed it. It slithered faster. I ran after it. I was fueled by my intrigue I followed the snake into a cave. Unfortunately there were about thirty rattlesnakes in there. I thought, "How do I get myself into these situations?" I hated that question. It wasn't helping. Did I think by asking it that I would prevent similar situations from happening in the future?

All the snakes were rattling and coiled. I began to back up in the most slow of slow motions. I imagined that the rattlesnakes saw my retreat as an illusion. Rather than see me moving, they figured I was actually shrinking. Eventually I was outside the cave. I was safe again.

But then I backed into a grizzly bear. It began to growl. I thought, "If I live through this, I think I will spend more time in my garden, and take up reading."

Solved

I have a mouse in my room. It comes out at night and scurries across the floor. This wakes me up and I get upset and throw a pillow at the mouse and it runs away.

Last night I got woken up again by the mouse. I had the impulse to throw the pillow, but I stopped.

I said, "Hey, mouse."

The mouse stopped. It said, "What?"

I said, "I need to sleep. I was wondering if I can get you something so you stop running around and waking me up."

The mouse said, "Can I sleep next to you?"

I said, "Okay." I lifted up my blankets and the mouse crawled in. The mouse laid with its back to my chest. I put my arm over the mouse and fell asleep in seconds.

New Friends

I was standing on the boardwalk this morning. I was looking down at the ocean when a whale came out of the water. It winked at me.

The whale said, "Would you like to come in and play?"

I said, "Well, I'm a little scared of sharks."

The whale said, "Wait here." It went under water and a minute later surfaced with 12 sharks. I was scared. The whale said, "These are my friends, they won't hurt you."

One of the sharks, a particularly big great white said, "Come on in, we promise to not eat you."

I could tell the shark was sincere. I jumped in.

We played for a couple of hours. I took turns riding the different sharks backs. I rode the whale too, but it was hard because it didn't have a fin to hold onto.

Bird

I was sitting in the San Francisco airport. Somehow a sparrow got through an open window and it flew down next to me.

The sparrow said, "Where ya heading?"

I said, "Los Angeles. I wish I could fly like you. It would take a little longer. But it would feel good to have the wind and sun on my face."

The sparrow said, "I know, I never get tired of it."

Helping Out

I was riding the Bart this morning. I started to fall asleep. Suddenly the train wakes me up by shaking.

Then the train goes, "Hey, wake up, I want to talk with you."

I said, "Yes, what's up?

The train said, "I wish I could walk. I wonder what it's like to have feet and travel in any direction you like?"

I said, "It's pretty good. When I need something, I walk over and get it. Would you like to try and walk? I can help you."

The train thought about it for a minute and then said, "Yes!"

The train came to a stop.

I said, "Okay, lift one of your wheels up slowly and move it a few inches to the right."

The train said, "I'm trying, but it's hard to coordinate."

I said, "Take your time. There's no hurry."

I could feel the train slowly lean.

I said, "You can do it."

The train lifted up one wheel and set itself down to the right.

I said, "Great! Okay, let's try another."

Eventually the train got off the track. I then got it to think of itself as a centipede and it began slowing moving forward. The train was soon walking down the road.

A guy was driving by in a truck and and he looked over and saw the train walking and he was so surprised. He wasn't looking where he was going and almost crashed into into a pole.

Babapo!

I'm sitting in a motel room in Mountain View. This is a great place to stay. They don't have TVs. Instead they give you a dog with every room. I got a husky named Babapo! I took Babapo! for a walk last night and this morning. It was great because I got exercise and I didn't stay up all night watching TV. For a wake up call Babapo! licked my head. The only downside is my clothes are covered with dog hair, and Babapo! ate part of my suitcase while I slept.

Standing Up

Last night when I was sleeping, I was woken up by the sound of termites. They were eating the bed posts.

I said, "Excuse me, what's going on?"

The termites felt badly. One of them said, "Oh, we're so sorry. We didn't mean to wake you up. We were trying to keep it down. We'll chew more softly. Sorry. Go back to sleep."

I said, "Well, I like my bed. Can you eat something else? What if I got you a log from the fireplace?"

The termite spokesman said, "That's very kind of you. But we really like the taste of your bedpost."

I laid in bed and felt frustrated. Finally I got up and went online. I Googled assertiveness. I found a blog by aggressive confidentician Bick McPierson. It's called, "Get Out of My Way, I'm Coming Through". He wrote in that day's blog, "Everyone is wrong, and you are right. People forgot and it's your job to help them remember. Today I realized that stop lights are wrong. I ran through every red light to show them that I am right. There was resistance. I expected that. My car took some hits. But my confidence is unscathed."

I felt full of self-assurance. I stood up and walked into my bedroom with might. I said to the termite's, "This is my bed, now get out of here!" I pounded on the frame with my fist. The bed collapsed and broke into pieces. I think the termites had hallowed out the wood's stability. One of the termite's looked up and thanked me for creating bite size pieces.

I said, "You're welcome", and I went and slept on the couch.

My Trip to San Francisco

I arrived in San Francisco today. I went to my motel room, unpacked my deep sea diving suit, and went down to the Bay. I put on the suit, tied the air tube to the oxygen tank and went under water.

It took a few minutes to get used to the murkiness. The first thing I could make out was a school of mackerel. I always love the look of shock on the fishes faces. A lot of them did the double take that you see in old comedy movies.

I walked underwater for a couple of hours. I came upon a whale. The whale gave me one long look. It was one of those 'are you kidding me' looks. I waved and smiled. The whale cocked its head like a dog. I shrugged my shoulders. The whale rolled its eyes and swam on. I kept walking.

I soon found a big old rusty chest. It was covered with barnacles. I figured there must be treasure in it. I have a pretty general confidence that comes in handy in these situations. I opened the chest. It was filled with rusty slinkys. Rather than dismiss them, I took out a metal brush and scrapped the surface of a slinky. Underneath the rust was gold. Slinkys were a common form of currency in the 1200s. I attached the chest to a chain on my belt and I walked back to shore.

I changed into my regular clothes. I took the gold slinkys to Pickerson's Precious Metals and sold them for a good price.

As Nate Pickerson handed me the stack of cash, he said,"Why don't you make it easier on yourself and get a regular job?"

I said, "Nate, if they just wouldn't keep firing me."

Purpose of Life

I felt out of sorts about my life purpose. I decided to climb the mountain and talk with the Guru. I climbed the 12 hour ascent and walked to the Guru's cave.

There was a sign on the entrance to the cave. It said, "No longer in business."

I got angry and tore up the sign. I realized I was exhausted. I took a nap in the cave. When I woke I felt so much better. I lost my need to seek.

I was surprised to find a small group of people sitting in front of me.

One of the people said, "What's the meaning of life?"

I said, "Naps are great!"

Alligned with Greatness

One of my relatives was the inventor of the word "the". Her name was Goode Penthuen. I'm told she had an amazing intellect. I heard that she felt the limitation of language made the description of things too brutal. When someone would say, "Go to well", she would shudder.

She spent years trying to come up with a sound that would bring eloquence into everyday life. Her early efforts were not fruitful. She tried "zic", "ferd", and "glueck". Eventually she came up with "tha". The Chichester Village Pern described the invention thus, "G. Penthuen hath henceforth procured "tha" and all be well."

Unfortunately the village felt it was inappropriate for a woman to have an intellect and she was declared to be a witch and was subsequently burnt at the stake.

Lunch with My New Friend

Today I had lunch with 2010. We went to Bennington's Deli. I had the pastrami on rye. 2010 had an egg white peppercorn omelet.

I said to 2010, "So, what do you have in store for me?"

2010 said, "I have no idea, I make it up as I go along."