Shame: The Ultimate Inspirer

I'm reading a great book called, "Shame: The Ultimate Inspirer" by G.S. Duene.

It says that we are deplorable self-destructive creatures headed toward a moral abyss. The sooner we see our feeble worthlessness, the quicker we become disgusted with ourselves, and start to do something about it.

Duene suggested we first take a thorough moral inventory of our life. I had my eyes opened when I saw that I couldn't remember the last time I showered. I was wondering why people preferred to remain at least eight feet from me. I became nauseous to myself. I began to feel "the basic worthlessness" that the author speaks about.

After a morning of deep shaming, I attempted a venture toward my bathroom for a shower. It was hard because I was disliking myself so much that I thought I wasn't worth being washed. This created greater shame and the derisive inspiration soon brought me under the shower head.

I turned on the water and cleaned myself. I dried myself off. I felt proud of my efforts. I knew the book was kicking in properly when I began to feel lousy and despicable about the current utter filth of my shower.

Resolved

2011 New Year's Resolutions:

1. Finally admit to rabbit allergy.

2. Stop buying rabbits.

3. Maintain delicate relationship with Easter Bunny.

Which Do You Prefer?

I asked my indoor plant, Dicey, if she wished she lived outdoors. Dicey asked me to take her outside so she could see.

I set Dicey out in the front yard. A cat came over and peed on her. A bee molested her looking for nectar. A bird built a nest in her tiny limbs which slumped them to the base of her pot.

I asked Dicey what she thought about the outdoors. She said, "I love it!"

Excitement at Home

Last night a falling star landed in my backyard. It was nice because it melted the snow. This woke up the grass. Do you know that startled look that people have when they are woken from a deep sleep? My dog Rexy and I laughed so hard.

Snow Fight

I got into a fight with a snowman this afternoon. I feel like an idiot for letting him get to me. He said I was a pussy for wearing so many layers of jackets, sweaters and scarfs.

He was just wearing a hat. I can't believe I took the bait and said that it was easy for him to find fault with me when he's made of ice. Then I made fun of his carrot nose. That's when the snowman started to cry.

The bizarre thing was the tears didn't freeze. I figured it was something we had in common. I apologized.

The snowman started laughing at me and said I was a fool. That's when I kicked him over. Luckily I didn't feel badly about that.

What I Got for Christmas

Presents that I got for Christmas this year:

1. A rhino. Not stuffed but alive. So far it's just standing in my living room eating from a pile of hay. I'm being so quiet as to not incite it into ramming things with its big horn.

2. An Invisible Man Outfit. I already wore it this morning. I went shopping and no one noticed me. Though that's kind of the case normally.

3. A Hummingbird Egg Omelet Maker. I have to add 75 eggs to make an omelet. So far I have two eggs. I think I'll have to eat something else because I'm getting very hungry.

4. Chocolate Pants. They're a perfect fit and I don't eat chocolate so it works out well.

5. A photo of God. God is sitting on the couch watching TV. I think it's I Love Lucy. That's a pretty good show.

6. A 20 pound bar of gold. I'm going to use it as a door stop. My previous one wasn't heavy enough and the door kept shutting.

7. A signed photo of President Obama. He wrote, "I hope you like this picture. Everyone seems to be upset at me these days, so it would be nice to know there's one happy person."

Principles to Live By

Principles to Live By:

1. Be kind. Unless you are tired and it would help to be mean.

2. Always tell the truth. It's okay to skip this one if it saves time.

3. Give to others. Paying bills qualifies.

4. Don't be selfish. Unless doing so helps others see the errors of their selfish ways.

5. Don't cast aspersions. Unless they are eloquent.

6. Be grateful. Not necessary if it takes away from time spent enjoying things.

7. Make amends when necessary. Skip if you think it will help the other person see in what ways they contributed.

8. Be thankful to God. Can be dropped if you see that God is busy.

When Bad Turns Good

Chaunders, my goldfish, was feeling depressed. I asked what was the matter. Chaunders said he appreciated my housing and feeding him, but he missed living in the ocean.

I love Chaunders so I put him in a baggie with water and went to the ocean. We said our goodbyes and I dropped Chaunders into the water.

Chaunders swam with glee, zig-zagging in delirious patterns. Then he was eaten by a Flounder.

The Flounder apologized. I said it was okay. It helped me get rid of my feeling of being abandoned.

When Help Backfires

Santa came over today. He was exhausted and overwhelmed and wanted to hide out here until Christmas blew over. I said that would be okay with me, but things would probably end up being more difficult for him next week. He left angry.

I'm sure this means I'll get no presents this Saturday.

Oh, well. If I'm bummed on Christmas I'll just go and see a movie.

Wished Wishing Wishes

I got so tired of going to the wishing well. I felt like I was begging and it's hard to like me when I beg. "Can you help me win the lottery? Can you make her like me? Please help my team win at the pachinko finals?" I think, "Whatever you're going to get will not wipe away the humiliation that you're asking a well for a favor." So I bought the wishing well and I had it filled with cement. I felt relieved.

But then nuclear war started. Missiles were heading towards every big city in the world. I felt like an idiot for dismantling the wishing well. I sat in my backyard and moped.

Suddenly a wishing well appeared in my backyard. I forgot my judgments and took a nickle out of my pocket and wished for everything to be okay again.

Five minutes went by. Then a half hour. Pretty soon it was nighttime. I went inside and watched the news. There was no mention of nuclear bombs. It was as if it never happened. I went to bed.

I laid in bed and watched my thoughts. I found myself wishing more people read my blog. I got excited and went out to my backyard to deposit this wish. But the wishing well was gone. At first I was disappointed. But then I thought, "Oh, well, I'm not dead by nuclear explosions."

Waiting for the Train

I'm waiting for the train. I'd like to share some of the things that I see around me.

There's a guy dressed in a suit. His cell phone doesn't seem to be working. He just threw it on the ground and now he's grinding it to pieces with his foot. Oh, my. The phone is ringing. He's panicking. Now he's on the ground, talking into the shattered pieces of his cell phone.

A woman a few feet away is weeping. She has a book open on her lap. I see a photo of a woman crying. She noticed that I'm looking and closed her book. The cover of the book features a photo of a crying baby. The title is, "Cry Your Way to Happiness."

A train is stopping on the other side of the tracks. As people are getting out the train is shrinking. As the last person gets out, the train is the size of a match box.

Oh, Well

I took my boat out and decided to just sail north. Eventually I ended up in the Arctic Sea, and lo and behold, the North Pole. The strangest part was I came upon Santa's Workshop. I don't believe in Santa, so to see that I was wrong was very exciting.

I went in. Things were wild and crazy in preparation for Christmas. Santa saw me and came over. Even though things were at panic level, he took the time to talk with me and make me feel comfortable. I understood why he's sometimes called Saint Nick.

Eventually it came down to Santa saying, "What do you want for Christmas?"

I embarrassingly felt my heart shoot out of my body. I thought for certain I'd burned hope and expectation out of my heart chamber decades ago.

I said, "I'd like to live in one of those resort suites that are supported on poles above the luscious bright blue waters of the gentle Caribbean sea. I want to eat unlimited amounts of lobster and greek fries. Plus I'd like a pet dolphin."

I was sure Santa would say, "Are you f#@cking kidding me?"

But Santa nodded and said, "We'll see what we can do."

I thought, "What does that mean? Maybe it's his kind way of saying no. When people are constantly asking you for things, you have to find some way to deal with it so you don't go crazy."

I thanked Santa and left. I got on my boat and headed south. When I got near home I got sucked up in a hurricane. I thought for certain I would end up dead on the bottom of the sea.

Hours later the storm settled and I found myself in the Caribbean sea. A dolphin winked at me as it began swimming along with my boat. I sighed. I felt like an idiot as I remembered telling my 2nd grade class during show and tell that Santa didn't exist. I remembered kids crying and breaking things, and the teacher making me stand in the corner with a dunce cap on my head. I remembered feeling proud that I was a martyr for doing the right thing.

The dolphin said, "If it makes you feel any better, Athena's All You Can Eat Lobster Restaurant burned down last week."

Red Flag

I like walking through graveyards. They're peaceful places. There's something so quiet about people that are dead. They make no demands. They're so relaxed.

But then yesterday as I was striding through the cemetery and walked past a grave I heard, "Psssst, hey, over here."

I went to the grave and looked around and saw no one. But then from below the ground I heard, "I'm down here."

I said, "What's up?"

The voice from the grave said, "I was wondering if you can do something for me?"

I said, "It depends." I used to always say, "Sure" when people asked me to do them a favor. But then I changed my mind when I subbed one day for a friend at the animal husbandry farm.

The voice from the grave said, "I need to go and take care of a few things. Can you please dig me up and then save my space while I step out for a few hours?"

I said, "Are you sure it will only be a few hours?"

The voice from the grave said, "Probably not even that long."

As I was digging up the dirt with my hands I thought I would end up regretting this, but it's hard to say no when someone says please.

Bridging

I took a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. I sensed the bridge was feeling low. I asked what was going on. The Brooklyn Bridge said it needed a vacation. I asked where it would like to go. The Brooklyn Bridge said Miami. The only thing holding the bridge back was it didn't know how to get to Miami. I knew how and offered to help.

I had the Brooklyn Bridge wait till there were no more cars. Then I put a sign up on both entrances to the bridge that said, "I'm Closed, I'll Be Back in 2 Weeks, Please Take the 59th Street Bridge."

The Brooklyn Bridge was slow moving at first. It hadn't moved for over 100 years and was feeling stiff. I'm the same way after I've only been sitting on the couch for a couple of hours. But soon the Brooklyn Bridge had made its way to the Atlantic Coast and began to head south.

We talked and shared a lot on our trip to Florida. The Brooklyn Bridge told me that sometimes it forgets it's a bridge and has fantasies that it's a giraffe. I said that I used to have an addiction to cream soda, but through treatment I recovered.

Soon we arrived in Miami. For the first few days, the Brooklyn Bridge and I hung out and slept on the beach. Here's a weird fact, the Brooklyn Bridge snores!

Non-Fiction Fiction

I was shoveling snow from the driveway when the ghost of Tom Sawyer came by. It turns out fictional characters eventually become ghosts. They were created by an author in a process of self-fertilization and they live until the book is finished. When someone reads the book, they are basically looking at a historical document of the character's life.

Tom Sawyer said, "Too bad it's not whipped cream. If it was, you could sit down with a spoon, enjoyin' the spoils, till you had a clean driveway."

I said, "Not me. I'm allergic to dairy and sugar."

Tom Sawyer said, "I have the fortune of only being allergic to caster oil. Though I don't know the benefit of not being allergic."

I said, "Do you ever wish you could come alive in another book?"

Tom Sawyer said, "I'm alive right now because this will end up in your blog. But when it's being read I'll be back to haunting the days of people who have little to do."

I said, "Sometimes I think I'm a character that's currently being written. I mean, I couldn't come up with this kind of stuff on my own."

Constructing the Day Out of Scratch

I woke up feeling flat. It was hard to get motivated. So I laid in bed.

By noon my bed said, "Seriously, when are you going to get up? I need my rest."

I got out of bed and stood. There was no place to go and I didn't want to lay back down a piss off the bed.

The sun peaked through the window. The sun said, "I'm sad that you're not outside enjoying my new rays."

I went outside. The rays felt good on my body. But then I saw that my neighbor was standing in his driveway looking at me uncomfortably because I was still in my underwear.

I went back into my house and sat on the couch. I was there for a few hours when the couch said, "Um, it kind of hurts when you sit in one place for too long. Could you at least move around?"

I got up and went to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and gazed. The lettuce said, "You're making me uncomfortable with your staring."

I looked at the clock on the wall. It said 4:13. I took the clock off the wall and took it apart. I put the pieces back together and it was now a duck. I'm good at rearranging.

Doing My Best to Clean Up the Past

I felt the snap-crackle in the air and found myself going back in time. I never know where I'll end up. I used to try and guess. Once I thought for certain that I was going to the battle of Agincourt, but then I found myself at the tennis match of Bobby Riggs and Billy Jean King. I was right in sensing that it was a battle though.

The air shook and vibrated, there was a whooshing sound, and this time I ended up, lo and behold at the signing of the Treaty at Versailles in 1919. It was nice because it was the first time I'd been to France. It turns out it still counts as visiting a country when you're there at an earlier time than now.

Everyone seemed tired. World War One had just ended. There's something about war that's similar to raising kids in that everyone's exhausted.

Outside the hall where the treaty that spelled out the terms of Germany's surrender was being drawn up, I came upon a particularly distraught German soldier sitting on a bench.

I said, "I'm sorry about your loss." I wasn't, but I learned from funerals it's the correct thing to say.

The German soldier said, "Germany may be down, but the Motherland shall rise again."

I said, "Yes, that's true. But like waves on the ocean, things fall, rise and fall again." I'm amazing at philosophy when I have exact knowledge of the profound outcome.

When the soldier introduced himself as Adolf Hitler, I suggested he consider a career as an actor in the German cinema. I mentioned that his classical good looks and obvious charisma would make him a renowned movie star. I was hoping that my encouragement would help him make a career change.

Everything in Perspective

I went swimming this morning and ran into Poseidon, the god of the seas. I'm easily enamored by gods. I feel so tiny. Like I'm a speck and they are the sun. Which ruins any chance of connection. Who wants to relate to a groveler?

I was, "Um, ah, I was just, I - ah..."

The thing is, gods are humble. They are just out doing their job. Poseidon happens to run all lakes, seas and oceans. Yes, I'm doing my job by writing this blog. And essentially because we're all living our innate nature, we're all doing the same thing. But I can't help but compare. I type a few words. Poseidon runs the mighty flow of all bodies of water, from the Atlantic down to water coming out of the tap.

Poseidon must have been intuitive and sympathetic because he said, "None to worry, human, as for myself I thinkith my place as a wart on the arse of Zeus."

In Line With the Boss

I was standing in line next to Bruce Springsteen at Walmart. It was circumstance. We don't know each other. I've probably stood in line with over 20,000 people. I often think, "Wow, I never knew this person existed until now. It's like I invented them in my mind for this story about standing in line." But in some ways, I'm in their story.

The line with Bruce wasn't moving. The cashier called for a manager and was waiting.

I said to Bruce, "I'm sorry, but I haven't gotten your new album, The Promise."

Bruce said, "What do you do?"

I said, "I wrote a book about clutter."

Bruce said, "I'm sorry I haven't gotten your clutter book."

I said, "I have a copy. Would you like it?"

I carry my clutter book with me wherever I go. I've done so few things in my life that prove I'm worthwhile. In the end we have to do our own PR.

Bruce said, "Sure. Would you like a copy of my new album?"

I nodded. He got a copy off the CD and DVD shelf of last minute purchases. I couldn't believe Bruce was going to buy me a copy of his album. I got my book free from my publisher.

Let the Sunshine In

There was a knock at my door. I answered and it was a squirrel.

I said, "Yes?"

The squirrel said, "It's dreadfully cold out and I forgot to grow my winter hair and I was wondering if I can come in to warm up?"

The thing is, I like squirrels. But I'm apprehensive because whenever I come near them they run up a tree. "Why are you running away from me? I just want to pet you." It's hard on my self-esteem. I wish it didn't effect me so. But maybe this was the opportunity of a better world.

I said, "Sure, okay."

The squirrel came in and immediately began to tear up my carpet, sofa and drapes.

I said, "What are you doing?!"

The squirrel said, "What the hell does it look like? I'm making a nest!"

I kicked the squirrel out. It's like my grandpa Duke used to say, "Clouds are always screwing things up, but eventually you see the light."

Tramped

The ghost of Charlie Chaplin wandered by this morning. He told me that he wished he was still making movies. I said I wished I was in Aruba. It's an island off of South America that my dad used to take us for Christmas vacation. The water was clear blue sky. The sun came down and put its arm around you.

Charlie Chaplin asked if I had a film camera so we could shoot a movie. I said I didn't have one, but we could use the camera in my computer. He got excited and took over as writer and director. He said I would be a forest sprite who dances all day long. He pointed the computer's camera in my direction and yelled, "Dance nature sprite, dance!"

I danced but didn't feel good about it. Sometimes I get so enamored by celebrities. If they weren't famous I could easily ignore them. But because they enchanted me in the past, I owe them.

Chaplin yelled, "Wonderful, I can feel your pathos!"

Appreciation

My living room split open and I looked down into the pit of hell. The thing is, the heat was nice. It was twenty-two degrees outside. My apartment is not well insulated and I can never get warm enough.

I stripped down to my shorts and sat at the edge of the opening to hell. My dog Rexy sat next to me with the leash in her mouth. I said, "Sure" and we ventured down into the fiery pits.

I marveled at the flames. I'm just okay at starting and maintaining a fire in a fire place. Plus I have to constantly adjust the logs with a poker and then keep adding kindling and paper. I never get a chance to sit back and enjoy.

Rexy and I walked for a long while. Finally we came upon the Devil. We introduced ourselves and expressed our gratitude. The Devil was taken aback. I think you give someone a gift when you say thanks.

Angeled

I was visited by an angel.

I said, "Why are you here?"

The angel said, "I don't have a reason. Do you need one?"

I said, "I guess not."

We went for Chinese Food. I got the Shanghai Slammer. It's got Everything in it and it's held together with a pound of MSG. I ate the S. Slammer and was totally wiped out.

I said to the angel, "I thought your presence would make me safe."

The angel said, "Why would you think that?"

I said, "I thought you were a guardian."

The angel said, "You thought wrong."

I struggled to get to my car.

I drove. I was so spacey that I drove off a cliff. On the way down I said to the angel, "Is there anything you can do about this?"

The angel said, "Nope."

We crashed. The car burst in flames. It hurt. We got out.

I said, "Are there any benefits to hanging out with you?"

The angel said, "As many as there are to hanging out with you."

No Use Knockin'

This morning I was trying to write songs on my guitar. Nothing good was showing up. Creativity is like an odd way of dating. You set aside the time, take a shower, get dressed up and wait at the door and hope by chance that someone happens to come by and take you out.

So there I was frustratingly strumming away like an old maid to dismal rhymes when the ghost of Bobby Charles showed up. I freaked. He wrote "See You Later, Alligator." That's right up there with "Yes, We Have No Bananas." I was sweating and trembling. He told me he appreciated the sentiment.

I told Bobby Charles that I wish I could write and sing like him. He said his wasn't an easy life. He struggled with his songs. Occasionally and rarely the clouds would part and suddenly there was, "No Use Knockin."

I said I wish I could stop thinking that I'm on the bottom of the rungs of life. I was tired of looking up at the asses of those I admire.

Bobby Charles said we're all on same step, and there's only one step. What we're looking up at is our reflection.

General Outlook

Today I went for walk by the lake with the ghost of Confederate General Stonewall Jackson.

General Jackson asked me what I was thinking. I said life I figured life would be easier if I was a general or president because when I wasn't in that big position anymore, people would still refer to me by my title. "Mister" doesn't carry any weight.

General Jackson said that it wasn't such a nice perk. He haunted a veteran's home the other day and some of the residents saluted him. But then they saw his Confederate Army uniform and they threw their plates of beans at him.

I asked if he had any animosity towards the North. He said he never had any. His Grandmother Mema told him, "See the job, do the job, stay out of the misery." I said I wished I felt that about my cashier's job at Walmart, but customers are always breaking my balls when I tell them they can't use expired coupons.

Helping a Season

Last night I got a phone call from Winter.

I said, "You sound down. What's going on?"

Winter said, "I think people don't like me."

I said, "Why would you say that?"

Winter said, "No one's there to greet me when I show up. When Spring arrives, people are smiling and dancing. But when I come, nothing. If someone happens to notice me as I come into town, they give me the meanest looks. Last year a preschool kid gave me the finger."

I said, "I read in Psychology Today that we're fools if we let people's current mood rule our self worth. If someone is feeling crappy inside, that's what they're going to offer up to us."

Winter said, "Well, are you happy when I come around?"

I said, "No, I'm not. But I'm innately crabby. Last week I found a ten dollar bill on the ground and I worried that maybe a dog had peed on it."

Learning About the Two

I've never had a belief in God or the Devil. I've certainly heard of these gentlemen. My parents on a whim decided to go to a church when I was five and it was here that we learned of the Cosmic Duo.

It was a little hard for me to focus because there were no cartoons to go along with the stories. Just a man standing behind a podium talking in a sort of sing-song downtrodden cadence. I sensed there was a seriousness to what he had to say, but not in the same way as if a dog got lose and was biting everyone.

The strangest thing was I got a feeling that I had done something wrong. I'd never had this experience before. Previously sometimes I'd do something and was punished. But I felt that was just what happened when certain things were done.

I felt uncomfortable and asked my parents if we could leave. They were feeling the same way and we got up to leave. The priest pointed us out to everyone and questioned our decision. We outsmarted the priest when we said we needed to use the restroom.

Made In India

I have a red shirt that I love. It was stitched for me by Gandhi. My parents were friends with him. Gandhi was at my christening. He was so taken by me that he said, "I'm gonna stitch this lad a shirt!"

The thing is the next day Gandhi was shot and he was rushed to the hospital. My parents went to see him. They brought me with them. Gandhi was touched we were there. My asked how Gandhi how he was doing. He said that it looked like he would die. They then asked about the shirt.

The thing is, my parents are direct and honest. They don't keep things in. When I was born, I cried, and they asked me, "Are you going to be doing this crying thing a lot, because it's bothering us." I said, "I'm sorry, I'll stop."

Gandhi didn't take it personally. He knew my parents. He asked that red fabric, thread and a needle be brought in. With great pain he finished my shirt. My parents thanked Gandhi, he said 'you're welcome' and then he died.

I still have the shirt. My dog Rexy wears it now. She loves it!

In Line

I'm waiting in line outside K-Mart. I figure there are about five-hundred of us so far. It's fair to say we're all excited about the Black Friday sales that are awaiting us inside.

I'm mostly excited about the Sunbeam Toaster. It toasts six slices at a time. It normally sells for $39.99. I'm hoping it's going for $5. My wife is in line with me. She doesn't understand my passion for the toaster. She says, "Why the hell do you want to waste your money on that damn toaster!? We only eat two slices between us!" But I like to have the option. What's a man without his freedom to choose?

My wife's hoping Homeline's Do-It-All Iron is up for a major price reduction. It irons clothes, as well as heats water for tea, cooks brussel sprouts, and aroma-therapies the air. She's got last year's model which doesn't cook brussel sprouts and she wants to upgrade. I told her, "What the hell, we don't eat brussel sprouts!" She yelled back at me, "We don't now, but what if we change our mind?!" I said, "You gotta know what you stand for!"

We haven't spoken to each other since the argument. That was about nine hours ago. I'm hoping she apologizes soon because we're going to need to operate as a team when the doors open in five hours.

Gratitude List

I made my annual list of things I'm thankful for:

1. eggs

2. The eventual invention of plants that don't need to be watered.

3. My talking cat that doesn't live with me. She calls me from a pay phone every few weeks. I'm thankful because I'm allergic to cats.

4. The G.I. Joes I've owned since I was five. They now have gray hair, their plastic has cracked in places, and they don't feel much like any kind of adventure. They are my Dorian Gray surrogates.

5. I'm not in any kind of math class.

6. My sofa that was once owned by Chairman Mao. He only bought quality things and took care of them.

Cemented

I have a job where I pour cement. I'm especially good at making sidewalks. I have so much pride that I stay at the job site after I punch the clock. I want to defend the sidewalk from squirrels and kids. Squirrels unknowingly lay tracks. Kids knowingly sign their names.

Last night this kid came towards my sidewalk with a stick in hand. He didn't see me sitting in my car. I shined my headlights at him. The kid froze. I got on my car p.a. and said, "Drop the stick!" The kid was too nervous to loosen his grip.

I got out of my car and walked up to the kid.

I said, "I'm sorry, son, but I can't let you write on my sidewalk."

The kid looked beyond me and grimaced. I turned around and saw a squirrel putting all four of its paws deep in the still wet cement. The squirrel look at me and shrugged.

The squirrel said, "But it feels soooo good."

Resolution of Days

Sunday told me that it wanted to be Friday. Sunday was tired of people's whining about the weekend being too short and grumbling about having to go back to work on Monday.

So I called Friday. Friday was bitching to me about how it wasn't an important day. Everyone was relieved it was the end of the work week and they didn't do their best. Plus it was hard to be around so many drunk people.

I told Friday about Sunday's desire. Friday got excited and asked me to get Sunday on the phone. I conference called in Sunday. Sunday and Friday agreed to switch.

After I got off the phone I listened to a message from Wednesday. Wednesday told me it's tired of being called the Hump Day. It wants to stop being a day altogether and would like to be an oak tree.

More...

I got into a big argument with Monday. There were a lot of accusations and recriminations. In the end we couldn't remember what we were fighting about and we decided to enjoy the rest of the day.

Gentle Wood

I have a guitar made of balsa wood. I have to play it gently because too much of a chord could snap the guitar in two.

Why would I buy something so fragile?

I like that I can hold it with one finger. It reminds me of model airplanes I used to make when I was a kid. My brother-in-law owns the company and no had bought one yet.

Another helpful point is birds are averse to it. Previously a blue-jay built a home in my Gretsch New Yorker and laid eggs. It muffled the sound and made it unpleasant to play. Though it was nice to hear the baby birds tweet along.

Hanging Out With History

This morning I was awoken by sounds in my kitchen. I went downstairs and came upon the ghost of President Rutherford B. Hayes washing my dishes. Ghosts like to do helpful chores. It's part of their, "Let's Not Scare Them Campaign."

I recognized President Hayes by his long beard. I was kind of dumb kid in school and I could only memorize shapes and colors. I once got an A+ on my Biology class Name The Fruit test.

I said hello to President Hayes. We got to talking and I said, "I'm sorry, but I don't know anything about what you did as President of the United States."

President Hayes said, "There wasn't much to remember. The President had very little power back then. I do remember declaring Thursday as chocolate pudding day at the White House."

Then he showed me a photo of he, pre-beard, and his wife Lucy. I scanned it so I could show it to you.


President Rutherford met Lucy at a Porcupine Rescue Shelter. Back in the mid 1800s dogs had yet to be invented. The most popular pets were porcupines.

I asked if porcupines made for difficult pets because of their sharp flying quills. President Hayes said, "Everything is inherent with calamity."

Solutions!!

This morning I came downstairs and saw a mouse laying on its back eating the last bits of my big wheel of cheese. The mouse smiled at me and patted its rotund stomach.

There's something about food that breeds confidence. I remember being bullied by Mark Wanner when I was in grade school. He'd beat the crap out of me everyday after school. It made me so crazy that one day I broke into the lunch room refrigerator and ate an entire bucket of lasagna sauce. I left the school to walk home and there was Mark. This time I was filled to the brim with invincibility. I went right up to Mark and socked him in the jaw, laying him flat. Leah Shields saw the whole thing, came up to me, took my arm and let me walk her home. Leah and I made out in front of her house while her stunned grand parents watched from the living room window. I went home and told my parents I was through with doing chores, but they still had to pay my allowance, and they agreed. That night I went to bed without saying my prayers and God showed up and asked me for some things.

So I ignored the mouse. But then my cat came down the stairs and ate the mouse. It's good to have a couple sources of power.

Traditionally Spirited

I rarely get drunk. It's every other November 15th. Last night I was out at Dinker's Pub in Evanston. I had a pitcher of beer. The thing is I don't like the taste of beer. So I had the bartender add half a bottle of grenadine syrup. I drank the pitcher, got up on the bar, took off my shirt, and started singing, "Nightspots" by the Cars.

could be you're crossing the fine line
a silly driver, kinda off the wall
you keep it cool when it's t-t-tight
eyes wide open when you start to fall

I fell off the bar and passed out. I woke up in the Evanston Police department's drunk tank. A large drunk woman had her arm around me and sang Strangers in the Night. I wish I liked Frank Sinatra. It would make moments like this easier.

I used my free call and called my doctor. He came and told the police I wasn't drunk, but in a hypoglycemic blood sugar free fall from the grenadine. I was released. I'm so glad that I finally got health insurance.

Inheriting an Inventor's Legacy

My great great great grandfather, Leonard Palmer, invented Leap Frog. At one point no one played leap frog, then along came Leonard. He was an innovator. I'm told Leonard invented Leap Frog at the age of four. He was also co-writer of Patty Cake. He came up with that when he was nine. From that point on there were a lot of expectations placed on Leonard to always be great. The pressure was too much and he developed a debilitating addiction to Clark Stanley's Snake Oil Lineament.

Leonard spent ages 10 to 21 in state mental institutions. It was during this emotional incarceration that he invented Radium. Upon release Leonard sold the Radium formula to Andrew Carnegie, which lead to A. Carnegie's Fine Products brand radium-based baby food.

My parents wanted me to follow in Leonard's footsteps. They enrolled me in Bickman's Pre-School for Advanced Toddlers. Bickman's felt that if you relentlessly poked and prodded a youngster's proclivity for making things up, he would actually come up with something useful. I came up with Bayer's Children's Aspirin as a result of the incessant headaches I developed while enrolled at Bickman's.

Do the Hip Shake Baby

It's been a pretty busy ghosty week. Today on my morning lake walk I came upon the ghost of Slim Harpo. Sometimes I wonder if they come looking for me or I for them. I've been singing Shake Your Hips all week.

I said, "Slim, now that you're dead, do you still sing your songs?"

Slim said, "I don't sing them, but I think them. When you're dead, your thoughts are at the volume of spoken words."

I said, "Sometimes I wonder if I'm dead because I have that experience now."

Slim said, "Well, let me ask you this, why do you think is it that you keep seeing ghosts on a regular basis?"

I said, "Oh."

Slim started to sing and I joined in:

What you don't know
don't be afraid
just listen to me
and do what I say
Don't move your head
don't move your hands
don't move your lips
just shake your hips

Humbling

I woke up at 4 am and saw the ghost of Miguel de Cervantes standing at the foot of my bed looking back at me.

Ghosts don't sleep. I think when you're dead you're so relaxed that there's no need for rest. The ease of the ghosts comes from knowing you can't be killed. As humans we're constantly over concerned that every little thing could kill us. That squirrel could chew out my neck. What if I swallowed my spoon? The sun could hiccup and reduce me to ash.

The wide awake Cervantes said, "I'm no beauty to the beholder's eye, though the moon light renders me palatable."

I love wit. I'm certain it's better than Vitamin C.

I said, "Mount Parnassus once uttered to the Earth, 'I hope I'm not crushing your leg.'"

Cervantes had no reaction. It's so easy to feel like an idiot around your icons.

A Matter of Time

The ghost of Alice Hathaway Lee Roosevelt, the wife of President Teddy Roosevelt, came by to visit this morning. She was deeply sad.

I said, "What's wrong Alice?"

Alice said, "I don't know. I guess, I've never gotten over my death at the age of 22."

I said, "When was that?"

Alice said, "1887."

I said, "That happened so long ago that it never actually happened."

I went online and showed her the Ortega Documents. This is research that was done at Harvard University by Dr's. Melanie Ortega and Nathan Gist in 2004. This hypothesized and proved that an event changes over time. A person experiences an event, and the normal wear and tear of the mind over time alters the memory of the event. But the person experiences the changed memory as the original event. It's like a painting that upon completion is taken outdoors and is hung up on a tree by the painter. Rain, the sun, squirrels, snow, accumulated dust and the normal deterioration of the paint and canvass render the painting unrecognizable from the day it was created. But the painter walks past the painting experiencing her art as "this is how it looked when I originally painted it."

Alice said, "Strangely, I feel better."

I said, "And you look great!"

Alice smiled. I took her photo with my special ghost camera.

Reunited

I lost touch with the times and couldn't get back in sync. As usual I got in my time machine. I set the destination dial for 1,000,000 years ago and traveled back. I got out and took in the vast treeless region. I adored the openness, the lack of buildings and people.

Everyone I knew was dead because they had yet to be born. It was funny that I could think of them when they hadn't been created. I felt like an author.

I looked down and saw a glob of slime. I was meeting my ancestors. I remember my physics teacher in high school saying, "Everything has simple beginnings." Then I thought, "With development comes complexity comes difficulty." I wondered if it was possible to have the simple awareness of the glob and be a standing human.

Then I noticed the slime rubbing affectionately against my foot. I picked up the slime and hugged it. The glob vibrated. I cried.

I got back in the time machine with the slime in my jacket pocket and came back to this now. The primordial slime and I have been inseparable since. Last night we saw Secretariat together. We loved it even though we knew ahead of time that Secretariat would win the Triple Crown.

Going With the Flow

Last night I was playing blackjack at the Golden Horseshoe Casino in Council Bluff, Iowa. I was in the hole about $8000. I didn't want to stop and then have to go out to the car and deal with my dog, Rexy. He can smell when I lose and won't stop barking at me. I can't believe I thought that having a smart dog that can speak English would be a good thing!

I was down to my last dollar. I'd already prayed to God with the promise that if I won big I would stop gambling (not including the lottery, and not including gambling because I'm okay with God being upset at me). I figured, "What, the hello!" I went to the slots area and put the dollar in a Wheel of Fortune machine. I lost.

I took the dour walk to my car. Rexy saw me and started barking like crazy. I went the other way till I got to the freeway and hitchhiked. I got picked up by a trucker heading to Canada.

The trucker said, "Can I tell you about Jesus?"

I said, "No, I'm Jewish."

The trucker said, "Christ was a Jew."

I said, "Sure."

Remembering My Birth Day

When I was born I was five years old. The doctor had never seen anything like it before. I came out speaking. I said, "Hi, I'm Brooks." I must have learned from listening through the womb.

My parents were a little upset because they had spent a lot of money on the crib and diapers. But I think they were also a little relieved at not having to raise an infant.

I remember my mom smoking during the delivery. Doctors recommended it because it helped relieve the labor tensions. I remember it was one of those menthol cigarettes. Those were considered extra healthy.

Falling to Pieces

Things were difficult. I would play my guitar and the neck would break. I wasn't even playing the guitar that hard. The thing is, you can't nail a neck back on a guitar. You need a new one.

Within two months I went through 33 guitars. I'd used up my savings and maxed out my credit cards. I wanted another guitar, but had no way of acquiring one. I was pretty down in the mouth.

Then I read a fortune cookie which said, "Everything around you will crumble. But that's what things do. It's a crumbly world."

I felt better. I left the restaurant and broke into millions of pieces onto the sidewalk. Each part of me looked back at the other parts. I thought, "I'm a kaleidoscope!!"

You Decide

I went back to waiting tables. I got a job at Ulner's Cafe. It's one of the new You Decide restaurants. There's no menu. I come to your table and ask, "What do you want?"

Last Friday a guy said, "I want the baby food my mom served me when I was two." I left and drove west for a half hour till I got to the house my customer grew up in. I got out the portable time machine that the restaurant lent me. I traveled back to the morning of 37 years ago. My customer's mom was spoon feeding him Gerber's apple preserves. I excused myself and grabbed the spoon and jar of preserves and then traveled back to last Friday. I drove back to the restaurant and spoon fed the baby food to my client. He wept like a baby.

Bowditch!

The ghost of Nathaniel Bowditch came by last night. He had one hand on his heart and held the other hand aloft and declared, "I'm Nathaniel Bowditch!" People from long ago have a strong presentational way of talking. I think it's because they didn't have TV or the internet and so they felt good about themselves.

I said, "I'm sorry, but I don't know who you are."

Nathaniel Bowditch said, "Oh, that's okay. Few do. In the early 1800's I was intensely interested in the mathematics involved in celestial navigation. I used to set sail in the middle of the night with nothing but my protractor. I used my discoveries to write 'The American Practical Navigator' which became a bestseller and later was developed into a play that made a star of a young John Wilkes Booth."

The Natural Flow of Events - Part One

Yesterday afternoon I found out that my book, "A Life Full of Ghosts: My Encounters With the Once Living But Still Somehow Living" was being published by Random House.

The ghost of Frances Hodgson Burnett came by to congratulate me. She's the author of "Little Lord Fauntleroy". Frances said, "Men are so shallow...but what's adverse makes them beneficial authors because they can so easily pull from life's muck." I like how the really good authors make books out of sentences.

The Natural Flow of Events - Part Two

Last night Jesus appeared floating over my bed. He was illuminated from within. I mostly wondered how he was able to do that. I thought maybe he used glow cream. That would make sense since he wanted me to see him. Otherwise he would have put in all that effort and gone unnoticed.

Jesus said, "Seriously, the 'how' is unimportant. I've come to bring you a message."

I said, "Could you just sit on my bed? Looking at you like this is making me dizzy."

Jesus said, "I'm sorry. For some reason I can only appear like this. It's not easy for me either."

I said, "Okay, well, what's so important?"

Jesus said, "...Um, that's weird. I forgot...I'm very sorry."

I wanted to get angry at him, but then, he's Jesus, so I said, "That's okay. It's nice that you came by."

The Natural Flow of Events - Part Three

I woke up in tears. I didn't know why. The thing is I destroyed my pillow. It was drenched and smelled like stuff left in the washer overnight. The crying helped me get over that.

Digging In the Dirt

I get bored easily. Last night I felt so antsy that I dug a hole in my living room floor. Initially it was difficult because the floor is made of concrete. I went through three shovels. I finally felt good about the bulk shovel purchase I made at Costco last year.

I soon got to the dirt and things went fast. Within hours I figured I was at the center of the Earth. There were lava and dinosaurs everywhere. I was so angry at myself for not bringing my camera phone.

Empathy

I went out this morning to catch the bus to work. As I waited at the bus stop, a deer came up next to me. I didn't say anything at first. Not because it was a special moment and I was afraid to disturb it, but I'm socially awkward. Spoken words often betray me.

The deer said, "Dammit, I wish I'd gotten here earlier. I'm running late. How much longer till the bus comes?"

I said, "Um, I don't know, I hope, well...you know...soon."

A few minutes went by. The deer said, "This is bullshit. I'm walking." The deer went on its way.

The bus came a few minutes later. I got on the bus. We passed the deer. The deer seemed really angry and yelled something at the bus.

I felt badly for the deer. I think I'm too sensitive.

Oh, I See

I walked by a church this morning. The sign outside said the sermon was, "God Loves You. Stopping Trying to Break Up With Him." I went in.

The priest was going on and on about how we are constantly thwarting the good things that God tries to give to us.

I raised my hand. The priest was taken aback. He kept talking though. So I stood up and cleared my throat and waved my hand above my head.

The priest finally said, "What?"

I said, "I like God. I don't appreciate your inferences."

The priest said, "You must have read the sign outside. You knew what this sermon was about. Why did you bother to come in?"

I said, "You're right. Sorry."

I left and went for a walk. I thought, "Why do I sometimes get myself involved in unnecessary chaos?"

Just then God showed up next to me.

God said, "You're my wind up toy. You go where I wish."

One Solution Leads to Another

I asked God to make me wealthy. I won the lottery. I spent all my winnings on toilet paper. I hate when I run out.

The Embarasements Never End

The ghost of President U.S. Grant stopped by late this morning. I was in awe. Some Presidents are okay. They seem just like any other guy except they're dressed nice. But Grant left me speechless. I'm sure my girlfriend would say that's because I'm empathetic since he died of throat cancer.

But he's GRANT. I'm a hopeless fan. The worst part of going gaga with a celebrity is the awkwardness they feel. What do you do with a person who stares at you and drools? I looked away so I could get some bearings and stop being an insaniac.

I said, "Damn, these allergies!"

President U.S. Grant said, "When hayfever kicked me in the arse, I soaked skunkweed over night in whiskey, and in the morning drank nature's medicine. I could smell an tick's fart down in Alabamy."

Change!

I was thinking that my life was an automatic routine. So two nights ago I closed my eyes, went outside and and walked. I set a timer for 18 hours. I heard it takes doing something 18 hours for a change to occur. That's how long it took for Thomas Jefferson to write the Declaration of Independence, and for Hitler to invade Poland in 1938.

The blind walk was a little difficult at first because it hurt when I walked into a tree or phone pole. I ended up walking slower so it didn't hurt as much.

Finally the timer went off. I opened my eyes. I was at the North Pole. Next to the pole was a polar bear.

The polar bear said, "Hey."

I said, "Hello."

The polar bear said, "I'm going to eat you."

I said, "I know."

Secret Revealed

I eat candy slowly. I like to take my time. I have a piece of peppermint candy in my mouth that I've been sucking on for two years. It's between my upper jaw and my cheek. It's kind of like a room deodorizer. It's flavor is always wafting through my mouth.

My girlfriend wonders how come my breath is always fresh. I don't want to explain the constant candy. People like to believe things are magic. They don't want to see what's behind the scenes.

The Morning, So Far

I couldn't get out of bed. My dog tried to inspire me by pulling the sheets off the bed. I tried to hold onto the sheets, but it's hard when the other person is using their teeth. A jaw is a strong thing.

So I got up. I went downstairs and fed the dog. My dog's favorite food is olives. I fed him a can. I once asked my vet if this is a bad thing. My vet said, "Every thing will always tell you what it wants."

I went to the computer. I looked up email. There were a few for Viagra. I thought I didn't need any more incentives to go back to bed.

Opps, Part 5

One of my plants told me, "Look, I'm tired of being in captivity. Can you please take me outside and replant me in a sunny spot on the ground?"

I did. I replanted it on the grass next to the driveway.

Yesterday my daughter drove over the plant on her way out. I ran out to the plant and tried to prop up its crushed stems with my hands.

The plant said, "I appreciate the gesture. But couldn't you have used more caution when you initially replanted me?"

The Final List

Recently someone forwarded this list to me (below). It's going around the Internet. I guess I have a darker take than Ms. Brett...read this first(if you haven't already), then scroll down to see my own list.

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland ,
Ohio.

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will,

forward this with the title '7%'.

I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose.

..........

Here's my list of the 45 most important things I've learned.

1. Life isn't fair, so watch out for assholes.

2. When in doubt, give up and stay in bed. Sleep is your best friend.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents won't either. You'll probably die.

5. When all else fails, kindness probably will too.

6. You don't have to win every argument. It's best to bemoan your loss internally.

7. Cry with someone. Then you'll have one less friend.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. One day he'll kill you.

9. Save for retirement by dying early.

10. When it comes to heroin, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your future so it won't kick your ass when it shows up.

12. Be nice to others. It will confuse them and temporarily halt their plotting against you.

13. Compare your life to others. Theirs is better and it's best to admit it now.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you might as well have as much fun as you can while it lasts.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. Have your eyelids removed.

16. Take a deep breath. It helps when you're about to be punched.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful and won't make you cum.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you helps educate the thing that eventually will.

19. It helps to be grateful for the little things...if you can find them.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, hunt it down and kill it.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. It's never, ever, ever, ever going to come.

22. Over prepare, your funeral is the most important day of your life.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to have sex with cattle.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain. Unfortunately it's sealed away in your skull.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, 'In five years I will have drunk enough alcohol to have forgotten this.'

27. Always choose life. God loves when you beg.

28. Life is a game. You won't win.

29. What other people think of you is probably true.

30. Time heals almost everything, and that which it doesn't will be long, drawn out and painful.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change, so why even try?

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. You're not worth it.

33. Believe in miracles. God likes to laugh.

34. God loves you but he's not happy about it.

35. Don't audit life. It's a class you'll never finish.

36. Growing old always loses to dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Please don't kill them.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you don't have to do this again.

39. Miracles are waiting to pounce on and kill you.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd realize God doesn't love us.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You'll never get what you want.

42. The best called and said it won't be coming.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and go back to bed. Your bed loves you.

44. You can try to yield. But eventually you'll be run over.

45. Life is a piece of shit tied with a bow, but it's the thought that counts.

It's estimated that 93% won't forward this. They will die of cancer.

I'm in the 7%. I'll come visit you in the hospital.

Passing of History

I have a sand trap in my back yard. Anything that lands in the sand trap gets sucked into the earth. So far I've lost 12 dogs, a recycling container, and my scooter.

The scooter was passed down through my family. It was originally given to my great great great grandfather, Harlan Palmer, by President William McKinley in 1901. McKinley was running for re-election and was out on the street handing out scooters to kids as part of a press drawing op. Back then news was reported via sketches. Harlan got the scooter and a few seconds later President McKinley was assassinated by Leon Czolgosz.

One of the bullets went through Harlan's scooter. President McKinley, laying on the ground bleeding, saw the hole and apologized to Harlan. Back at the beginning of the 20th century everyone was sincere.

Petals and Thorns

I have a pet dinosaur. I found it on a trip to Arizona two years ago.

I looked it up on Wikipedia. It's called an Ornithomimosaurs. It's an ostrich dinosaur. I call it Rex. My sister says that's ridiculous because it's not a Tyrannosaurus Rex. She's more technical than me and I forgive her.

Yesterday I took Rex for a walk. People love Rex and want to pet him on the head. But Rex is reactionary and once bit off a guy's arm. So I have to tell people to stay away. It hurts their feelings and that makes me uncomfortable.

Last night I watched the Godfather Part 3 while Rex laid his head on my lap. Rex loves the Godfather movies. Especially the Godfather Part 3. I can't stand that movie. But I watch it because Rex could eat me while I'm sleeping. I guess everything's a rose with the stem attached.

Why Not

This morning I came downstairs to a flooded living room. There were two ducks floating on the water. I love ducks. Most birds get scared and fly away when you approach them. But ducks are birds who prefer to stay put.

I waded into the water and swam to my kitchen. I got out some bread and came back to the living room and fed the ducks. They appreciated the bread.

I waited until the ducks finished their meal and then I swam to my front door. I opened the door and let the water out.

I never figured out what caused the flood. But I've never been a fan of why.

Curie

The ghost of Marie Curie stopped by for breakfast. Pretty much all ghosts can't eat food. She asked for some of my oatmeal and I gave her a bowl and she ate it. That made me think that she wasn't a ghost. But then I went onto Wikipedia and saw that she died in 1934. It's funny how expectations play with our thoughts.

I know a lot of famous dead people's names and I have a crude understanding of what they did in their lives. I was told about the reasons for their fame while in school. But this kind of info doesn't stick in my mind. I knew Ms. Curie was a scientist. I asked for details and she told me she isolated radium. This shut down my mind and I had to lay on the floor for a second.

She asked me what I did. I showed her this Better Late Than Dead blog. I asked if she wanted to write a post. She didn't get the concept and wrote on the screen with a pen and wrecked the screen a bit.

I was angry so I asked Ms. Curie how she died. She said radiation poisoning. Her invention killed her. I asked if this frustrated her. She said at first, but then she realized it was better than living longer because she worked in an office doing something she didn't care for.


This is a photo of Ms. Curie I took with my iPhone. My phone takes colored images. But there's something about dead people that deteriorates their surroundings.

I like the morning because it's well lit.

Oh, Well

I went to the wishing well.

The wishing well said, "Yeah, what is it?"

I said, "I'd like my money back."

The wishing well said, "For what?"

I said, "For the wishes that didn't come to fruition."

The wishing well said, "Which ones didn't you get?"

I opened a large, heavy, and frayed book. I started at the first page and said, "When I was nine I wished for our team to win the little league championships, and we got clobbered 79 to 0. And then when I was ten I wanted to pass my math test, and I failed and was sent back to the third grade. Later that year I wanted a -"

The wishing well said, "Wait a minute. I never promised you these wishes would come true. The name says "wishing well', not 'wishes granted.'"

I said, "But it's implied. The name is wishing well."

The wishing well got quiet. Then it said in a quiet tone, "Look, I don't have it. I've already spent the money."

I walked away. I felt like an idiot. Why did I place so much importance on particular desired outcomes? If I could only learn to accept what comes my way then maybe I could be truly happy.

I passed by a 7-11. I went in and compulsively bought a lottery ticket. I was practically foaming at the mouth. I went home and put the lottery ticket on my alter to Shiva-Christ. I blended the two deities for maximum effect. I prostrated myself before the alter and said, "Please let me win!"

Shiva-Christ said, "Really? Are you kidding me?"

I got up and lit a cigarette. I sat at my couch and looked out the window. I saw the sun ebbing. I exhaled deeply. I put out the cigarette. I looked back at Shiva-Christ. I was glad for the company.

I think it's going to be a good day because today is insecure and needs the reassurance.

Lava

There's a volcano in my backyard. Mostly its dormant. Those are the boring times. I really like when the lava flows.

Recently the volcano's been dormant for months.

I went up to the volcano and said, "How about today?"

The volcano shrugged.

I got frustrated and got out my shovel and started to dig a hole in the volcano. At first the volcano gave me a look of, "Are you kidding me?"

Six hours later a vein of lava started coming through the hole I was digging. The amazing thing about lava is it looks like the Sun's tears. I thought, "Oh, my God, how can something be so bright?"

I stepped away and watched the lava flow out of the hole and down the hill. The lava soon reached my house, setting it on fire.

The volcano said, "You brought it on yourself."

I never know what to say when someone chastises me.

My Room

I was in the doctor's office waiting room long enough so that I felt like it was my room. There were my magazines that I just don't seem to read. I had my choice of nearly comfy chairs. I liked the sparkle of my candy bowl. I liked that my TVs didn't bombard me with sound, but instead gently showed me their words. My posters inspired me to be healthy and that if I didn't feel up to it I had pills to help me do the job.

The funny part were the other people in my room. We didn't talk with each other. We didn't see each others eyes. It was obvious we didn't want to sit next to each other. But on a deeper level, we were spiritual together. We respected each others quietness. I thought, "I wonder if they think this is their room?"

Glacier

There's a glacier in my backyard. I like it better than trees because it's ideal for sledding.

My wife yelled at me for buying a house with a glacier. She pointed out the eventual devastation. But then she felt better when I had a scientist come over and explain that wouldn't be for another 7,000 years.

I love watching my dog, Pheiser, run onto the glacier and slide like crazy. I put a video of his antics on youtube. I wish I could be like Pheiser and just enjoy things without trying to preserve them.

Conflict in the Forest

I was lost in Glacier National Park. This bothered me because I couldn't enjoy the scenery. My attention was on not freezing to death, and then avoiding being eaten by the wild animals.

This shows you how delirious I was: I tried using the GPS feature on my iPhone. The weird thing was the GPS showed me my location in the Park, but there are no streets, so it was confederate information.

Eventually I collapsed in exhaustion. I laid on the snow, ready to give up. Then this bear comes up to me and I thought, "Oh, crap, I don't think I can take being eaten now."

The bear says, "Can I be of help?"

I said, "Really?"

The bear said, "I can help you out of here. I know my way really well."

I nodded. The bear picked me up and slung me over his shoulder.

The bear walked for about an hour when he came to a cave. He said, "I have to stop in here for a second." The bear goes in. Then I hear this big argument. The bear then comes out looking exasperated.

The bear says, "I'm sorry, but my wife says I can't save you. She says I'm behind in my preparation for hibernation."

I said okay. I didn't want to push it because I have learned to stay away from arguments between couples.

The Meaning of Life

I like being alive. It gives me something to do.

Numberful

I work at the library. I put books back on the shelves after they have been checked back in. I work with the dewey decimal system. My friends are in disbelief because my job involves numbers and I'm not practical with math. It's hard for me to take one number and do something with it to another number. But this job has shown that I'm okay with just one number. Even if that number is combined with letters like 947.BEF.

This job has given me my confidence back. Sure, I'm only being paid $7.75 an hour. But this healed the humiliation I suffered in 1967 at the hands of my math teacher Mrs. Geyser. My classmates and I were given a test where in one instance we had to steal 52.5 pieces from the number 67. I felt badly for 67. I wrote "67 doesn't deserve this." I turned in my paper. Mrs. Geyser read it and I was suspended for two weeks.

My family wilted at the possibility of another humiliation and decided to further my education through television. This was hard on me because daytime TV consisted of game shows and soap operas. I lost faith in television. This is hard on a six year old boy.

Accepting What Was

My pet Raven wasn't eating well.

I said, "Raven, are you okay?" I've never called any of my pets by a name. I refer to their species. It's not to be mean. I know it's not important to them.

My Raven said, "I haven't been hungry lately."

I said, "Can I get you a different kind of food? They have golden dragons on sale at PetCo."

My Raven said, "Well, actually, I really like raspberry popsicles."

I went to Giant Foods and got some raspberry popsicles. I came back home and gave one to my Raven. She ate and enjoyed the raspberry popsicle.

When I was a kid I never thanked anyone for anything. I never saw that I didn't deserve. But it bothered me that my Raven didn't say thanks.

Swiss Cheese Sandwich

Today I was looking around my fridge for something delicious when I came upon the other half of yesterday's swiss cheese sandwich.

The swiss cheese sandwich said, "You don't want to eat me."

I said, "I might."

The swiss cheese sandwich said, "No, I'm kind of stale. You didn't properly seal me with plastic wrap. If you bite me, you'll wish you hadn't."

I said, "Then I'll just throw you out."

The swiss cheese sandwich said, "No, that would be wasteful."

I said, "I know, I'll feed you to my dog."

The swiss cheese sandwich said, "Are you kidding me, your dog can't handle cheese. Imagine the mess he'll leave on the carpet."

I said, "Look, I can't leave you in the fridge. It's only meant to preserve food that I will eventually eat."

The swiss cheese sandwich said, "You're tired. You always get this way when you need to take a nap. Why don't you go and lay down. You'll feel glad that you did."

I went to my room and laid down in bed. I closed my eyes and relaxed. I realized what the swiss cheese sandwich had done and I got mad.

Going With the Flow

This morning I sold my wedding ring. I was married twelve years ago. The bride was my parent's choice. I was okay with it because I read that arranged marriages tend to work better. It was a beautiful wedding. The cake was delicious.

My new wife and I took our honeymoon in Yosemite. I didn't know she had a habit of sleep walking. She went out into the night and wandered into a bear's cave. No, she wasn't eaten. By the time I tracked her down, the bear had fallen in love with her, and I know instinctively not to argue with a bear.

I was forlorn. I walked for two months. I ended up in the northern part of the Canadian province of Saskatchewan, in a town called New Battleford. I got a job as a dishwasher. After a year I started feeling better.

The people of New Battleford liked me and I was elected mayor. I helped implement some positive changes for their sewer systems, I designed a law creating equal pay for women in the workplace, and I humanely rearranged their moose hunting season from 362 days a year to every other Saturday.

About a year ago, the bear and my ex-wife walked into town. The town's people knew my history. They gathered in the streets fearing a showdown. I walked up the couple and greeted them. I asked my ex-wife if she was happy. She said surprisingly so. She said she favored the simpler life. The bear broke down in tears and said he was seeking to make amends. Now, I've never agreed with the idea of forgiveness. It's like saying, "you suck and since I'm better than you I resolve you of your sin." But he was a bear and I felt it was best to go with the flow.

The town's people were so impressed by the bear's sensitivity that they ousted me as mayor and gave the position to the bear. I felt it would be better if I left town and I moved back to Evanston, IL.

This morning I went out for my walk. As I was passing Cottage Jewelers, the owner, Ira, came out and said, "Brooks, today's the day for you to sell your wedding ring. Gold just hit $1,300 an ounce."

Day Trip

Today I was restless and got in my spaceship and rocketed to the Nebula star system. I space parked and got into my spacesuit and went for a space walk. I love the feeling of space walking. There's nothing to run into. On earth I'm constantly walking into trees and street signs.

I bought one of those extra long oxygen tubes for the space walks. They were on sale at sciencey.com. The extenda tube allows me to go pretty far. Today I space walked so far that I could no longer see my spaceship. I felt enveloped in blackness. When I first got the oxygen tube I painted it black so I could have the feeling that I didn't need the tube. I'm always looking for ways to feel more powerful.

I couldn't tell where I was at. As a result I had no frame of reference. I suddenly felt I was the primal force of concentrated energy just before it became the big bang. I thought of what I might become. The magnetic field, a galaxy, a black hole, a planet, an ocean, a sneeze.

Just then my dog Bippy appeared out of the blackness. She was in her spacesuit, licking the inside of the glass of her helmet. She always gets so happy when she sees me.

Morning Meeting

This morning I was taking my bath when a porpoise came up to the surface. This had never happened before. There have been other creatures though. There was the beaver, the minnow, the platypus and the astounding lily pad.

The porpoise said, "Oh, I'm sorry to startle you."

I said, "I'll be okay. Do you have enough room?"

The porpoise said, "Yes, thanks."

I said,"What's it like to live underwater?"

The porpoise said, "I'm a huge fan of floating so it's great. What's it like to live on land?"

I said, "It kind of sucks. That's why I like taking baths."

Key Stroke

My piano said, "How come you haven't played me recently?"

I said, "My fingers haven't felt nimble enough?"

My piano said, "I don't care if you play me sloppily. I like the touch of your fingers."

I sat at the piano and played some kind of crazy semblance of notes that blended into a hazy melody. The whole time my piano smiled like the sun, and things felt okay again.

From One Day to the Next

Last night at midnight I was surprised when Monday didn't arrive. It was just Sunday looking really pissed that Monday was running late, or something.

I said, "Sunday, I'm sure Monday will be here any minute."

Sunday said, "That's easy for you to say. This doesn't directly affect you."

I said, "I disagree, I feel your pain. Tell me what you're feeling."

Sunday started to cry and said, "I'm worried that something bad may have happened to Monday."

I said, "Well, let's go outside and see if we can find out what's going on."

Sunday and I went out and walked for a while. We found Monday sleeping on a park bench.

Sunday shook Monday and said, "Monday, what the hell is going on?!?"

Monday woke up startled and said, "I'm so sorry. I got here a few minutes early and I thought I'd rest while I waited. I'm so sorry for any inconvenience that I might have caused you."

Sunday forgave Monday and things were okay again.

The Owl and the Mouse

The Owl and the Mouse is available on iTunes from the album Brooks Takes His Time

(c) 2010
ASCAP Furry Dogs Publishing

Brooks, Meet Brooks

Today I was visited by the ghost of Brooks Palmer. He is the author of, "A Treasury of American Clocks." I've never read the book. I only recently became aware of the book because I get Google Alerts due to he and I having the same name.

Brooks said, "How do you like being a published author?"

I said, "It's okay. About a month after my clutter busting book came out, I got a smoking jacket, ascot, and a long filter-tip cigarette holder from the Writer's Association. I've tried writing with the outfit a few times. I noticed an improvement. But it was hard with the coughing."

Brooks said, "I wish I was still alive. I have some more books that I would like to write. I want to write a novelization about President Franklin Roosevelt's addiction to pudding. And I'd like write to a fictionalized autobiography of a tree that's deceased because he's now the book being read."

A Mixed Bag

I got tired of driving my car. So I donated my car to a charity. It was a charity to help displaced porcupines. Normally when a porcupine is lost in a city and can't find its way back to its woody home, it faces heavy discrimination. People are intimidated by the porcupine's spiky needles. This makes the porcupines distraught and bitter. When I watched a documentary about this on PBS, it broke my heart.

Yesterday I was walking down alleyways to my job. I like alleyways. I'm pretty shy and am adverse to facing people as they walk past me on the sidewalk. Well, I came upon a porcupine trying to hide behind a trash can. I could tell it had been crying. It was sniffling and rubbing its eyes. Plus I could sense the sorrow.

I said, "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

The porcupine said, "I can't believe you are risking talking to me."

I said, "Normally I would been afraid, but then I saw the documentary."

The porcupine said, "I heard about it. I haven't yet seen it though...But to answer your question, I need help getting back to the woods."

I felt kind of stupid for having given away my car because I could have used it to drive the porcupine to the woods. But then I remembered that I had the number for Soft Needles, the Porcupine Relocation charity. I called the number and gave them our location. They were there within minutes. The porcupine put its paw over its heart in my direction as they drove away.

I felt fantastic as I continued my walk to work. It's true that it feels good to give. Then there was the sound of thunder followed by a tremendous downpour. I was soaked in seconds. I started to feel differently.

"Love Comes From Strange Places"

I noticed a pool of liquid collecting in the grass in my backyard. I got closer and discovered it was oil. I don't know much about that kind of thing, so I called the local Texaco gas station. The manager came over and checked it out. He told me he thought there was an abundant supply of oil under the ground. He called some people and they came out the next day, checked it out and basically said I struck oil. I filled out some forms and now have an oil derrick pumping oil in my backyard.

I get a check from Texaco every month for about $20,000. This gave me the confidence to quit my job at 1(800)Psychic. I bought a dog and we sit at home and come up with songs. Last week we wrote one called, "Love Comes From Strange Places." It goes like this:

You never know what's a comin',
the day's a jester that delights in surprisin',
Yesterday I opened the door to tears from the ground,
and the day flipped from lost to found

Love Comes From Strange Places,
never like I expected,
places undreamnt of
and suddenly.....hello!

(c) 2010 Brooks P. and Mr. Rexy Dogmeister

Helping Out at Work

I got up early to milk the cows.

When I got to Mildred, my eleventh cow, she looked over at me and said, "I'm thinking of quitting and starting my own business."

I said, "Wow, really? You want to start selling your own milk?"

My cow Mildred said, "Yes, I think I can do it."

I said, "I had that same attitude when I started this farm. It helped me when I took out a loan and bought this land, and then took out another loan so I could have this barn constructed. I was in debt for about fourteen years, and a few times I didn't know how I was going to make it. I think the hardest part for me is the hundreds of hours a month I have to spend with the different grocery stores, schools and prisons haggling with them over my prices and delivery schedule. That same, "I can do it" attitude helps me work seven days a week, fourteen hours a day, especially during the brutally hard days of winter -"

My cow Mildred started crying.

I said, "Mildred, what's wrong?"

My cow Mildred said, "You're bringing me down...I think I'll stay on working here."

I pet my cow Mildred's head and said, "Mildred, would you like to design a new label for my 2% milk line?"

My cow Mildred mooed so loudly that the sparrows flew out of the rafters.

Where Curiosity Took Me

I'm tired. I stayed up late. Usually I'm in bed by midnight.

But around quarter to twelve I decided to make a wedding cake. I used to work as a caterer at weddings. I saw hundreds of wedding cakes. But I never ate a piece. I always wondered if it tasted differently than the other kinds of cake.

Around two am I took the cakes out of the oven. Then I frosted the cakes and built the tiers. Then I put the cakes on the tiers. It was done. But then I realized I didn't have a bride and groom to add to the top of the cake.

I knocked on the mouse hole in the back of my kitchen closet. The mice couple came out. They were groggy and wondered why I woke them. I said I needed them to act as bride and groom for the wedding cake. They said only if they could have a piece. I agreed.

I picked the mice up and put them on the top tier of the cake.

Just then my cat came into the kitchen and said, "What the hell is going on here!??"

Making the Best of It

My mom was an astronaut. She gave birth to me in space. This means that I have no citizenship. I'm a man without a country.

After years of being on the run, the INS eventually caught up with me. I was arrested and deported to the International Space Station. I don't have astronaut skills so I got a job as a domestic worker. I clean toilets and sweep the corridors and clean the windows on the space station.

I don't mind. I like to work. Plus the view from here is amazing.

Comfort Food

A ways back I had an interaction with Marie Antoinette. She was imprisoned and I was the chef at the Prison de Mazas. I heard that she liked chive omelets. I made and delivered a chive omelet to her cell. She said, "Merci." That meant a lot to me. I made a chive omelet again for her the next day. She was unresponsive. I was a little hurt. But then I got it. She was scheduled for execution later that morning.

I've often thought if I was going to be executed that I would order an extra cheese stuffed pizza as a last meal. I'm allergic to wheat and dairy. But I love pizza. This way I could eat and enjoy the pizza and not have to worry about the allergic reactions.

Minus 24

I went back in time. Back to yesterday morning. I did things a little differently based on what I knew.

I chose not to see Resident Evil: Afterlife again. It's not that it was a horrible movie. It was just okay and it's hard to do something for two hours that's just okay.

I didn't go to work. When I went there yesterday I got fired. But then my boss called in the afternoon and said I was fired. At least I didn't have to spend time taking the train downtown to the office.

I ended going to bed around two in the afternoon. I knew what was going to happen for the rest of the day and it took away the suspense that's necessary for me to do anything.

Bowie

David Bowie came to visit today. I don't know him. And it wasn't planned. I think he came over by accident, or like artists call it, "by chance." He never really clarified.

I'm a good host. I offered him some water. I don't have anything else to drink. I used to drink diet coke. A lot of it. But things change.

Bowie sat with me on my new leather couch. I got it a few days ago. It's so comfortable.

I played Bowie one of the songs from my new album. I was so embarrassed. It was like telling a millionaire about a twenty dollar bill I found on the ground.

A Long Time Coming

I've been around a long time. I've actually been alive since 54,000 B.C. I started out as a caveman. Life was pretty simple back then. Dinner was either berries, dirt, or saber-tooth tiger. I remember when fire was invented. Everyone was talking about it. I waited a few months before getting fire so the bugs could be worked out.

Back then there wasn't a concept of time. It was either bright or dark, and snow or grass. I ended up taking up cave painting as a hobby. That was our version of writing since there were no words invented yet. Words got invented when they ran out of paint and something had to be figured out on the spot.

The years went by and for some reason I kept staying alive. I worked for Genghis Khan for a little bit. I actually got fired. I showed up to a battle late. He was so upset. The thing is, I really like to sleep.

I met Christ. He was a nice person. I was short 3 teckles for a loaf of bread and people in line behind me got upset. Christ was right behind me and he gave the change. I said thanks. He said, "Don't mention it."

I remember when the Spanish Inquisition came through my town. Everyone was initially excited because they wore such nice clothes. But then they turned out to be assholes.

The Night Sky

I got tired of not seeing the stars at night, so I tore off the roof of my house. It's great to lay in bed and look up at the night sky.

My wife took a while getting used to the new view. She complained that chill of the night air distracted her from gazing at the stars. She's got a slight streak of negative personality. I think that's because she's more sensitive than me and it helps protect her.

I helped her out by buying a 50,000 count down comforter. Now she and I look up at the stars and make up our own constellations. Last night we came up with Rotondo! We think he could have been a Greek god who had an amazing appetite and one night ate all the stars.

Dictated by the Fall Line Up

I didn't learn the alphabet until I was 15. I didn't have time. I was watching a lot of TV. There were a lot of high quality television shows on between when I was four and till I was fifteen. There was Gilligan's Island, the Brady Bunch, Love American Style, and All in the Family just to mention a few.

My teachers would tell me, "You need to know the alphabet."

I said, "I understand you have to say that because that's your job."

My feeling was that I understood words and I spoke them eloquently when talking with my friends, but the only writing that was required of me was school work, and what's the point of that.

I learned the alphabet when I was 15 because of the crappy fall TV schedule. It was painful for me to try and endure Chico and the Man, the Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour, Circus of the Stars, and The Love Boat. It only took me a half-hour to learn the alphabet. I thought, "What was all the fuss about?"

Since then I have written some letters, my name and address on the return corner of the envelope, and these blogs.

When the Questions Run Out

I was resting on my couch when I saw the shadow on the floor waving at me. I thought it was a blowing in the wind tree limb's shadow. But then I noticed the shade was pulled over the window. The shadow was independent.

I got excited. I like when I see something new. I figure there's one of everything but it just hasn't all been seen yet.

I said to the shadow, "How is it that you are independent from an object and a light source?"

The shadow said, "I could ask the same of you."

I said, "You're right."

Then we watched "Louie" on TV. That show is so funny. Have you seen it?

On the Question of Comfort

I was not inspired to do anything except lay on the grass in my backyard. I love laying on grass. It feels like a natural bed because the grass is somewhat springy. I have thought at times that the grass does not care for it. The grass is standing there, drinking in the Sun and then this big shape descends on and smashes it. The dilemma made it hard for me to fully enjoy the comfort.

So I laid with this paradox, unmoving, on the grass. The Sun soon disappeared and was replaced by the Moon. After about an hour, the Moon noticed me.

The Moon says, "It's good to see you. It's been a while."

I said, "I know. I've been working very hard. But today, I could not help but lay down on the grass and do nothing."

The Moon said, "Yes, but have you not thought of the grass?"

I got up, went inside and slammed the door. Things have become more difficult since my new-found sensitivity to the environment.

How I Wrote My Album

My guitar broke. The neck snapped. I was sad for my guitar. I'd had it since it was five. My parents gave me an option: I could either go to elementary school or learn the guitar. I'd heard about this school thing and it sounded kind of harsh so I chose the guitar.

Guitar lessons were hard though. I had tender finger tips and pressing down on the strings hurt. I told our dog Pressie about my problem. Pressie said when she was a pup it hurt to walk on rocks. But she kept at it and developed calluses. I took Pressie's advice and eventually got callused finger tips.

So I was sad for my broken guitar. I dug a hole in the backyard and put my guitar in and covered it up with the dirt. A few months later a tree grew from the plot. It wasn't a guitar tree, just a regular tree.

As the tree grew stronger, I would sit under it and write songs. I didn't have a new guitar, so I had to imagine what the songs sounded like.

Eventually I hired some musicians. I gave them the songs to play. They played them. Wow, I think they're pretty good songs!

Brooks Takes His Time

Good News

I was sitting in my living room when the ghost of Walter Cronkite appeared. He was inside a ghost TV. I didn't know if the TV was once living and had now been dead, or Cronkite appeared as a ghost this way. I did not ask Cronkite because ghosts are sensitive and I did not want to hurt his feelings.

He didn't say anything which was odd. Ghosts often initiate a discussion. They have a lot to say. Being dead involves a lot of alone time and once they appear they can be very chatty.

I said, "Hello, it's good to meet you."

Cronkite said, "Good evening." This made me happy. It reminded me of when I used to watch Cronkite on TV as a kid. We had a black and white TV. I always thought it was funny to watch the news because they were talking about what was happening that day, but the black and white picture made it seem like someone from the past had made a tape that was being shown now, proving that they had predicted the future.

Chicken of the Sea

I took a swim in Lake Michigan this morning. The waters were pretty calm so it was easy for me to get about a half-mile from shore. That's when I ran into the mermaid.

At first I thought it was a naked woman. I thought, "Wow, what luck." Then she went under water and I saw her fin and tail. Then I thought that I was dreaming. Sometimes that happens when I'm dreaming and what's happening is fantastical, like when I win the lottery, or I have lunch with Marlon Brando.

The mermaid came back up to the surface. She saw me and I got really nervous. I get that way anyway with beautiful women. But then I worried that maybe mermaids feast off of humans. It's not unreasonable. There's very little known about mermaids.

The mermaid came up to me and said, "Hi, my name is June." I thought she must be very old because that name hasn't been popular for a while.

I said, "Hi."

The mermaid smiled and said, "You must have a first name."

I thought, "God, my nervousness is a character defect."

I said, "Brooks."

The mermaid said, "Oh, you're of the water too."

I nodded, smiled and felt better. We hung out and feasted on a mackerel school.

Shamus

I have a pet bear. His name is Shamus. He's big. I lost most of my furniture because he would amble into them and they would smash to bits. He'd feel badly about it, but I didn't care because bears are adorable.

Shamus originally came in when I left the sliding glass doors open last fall. I was about to have some toast with honey. Shamus came in and went right up to the table and devoured the sweet snacks. I thought I was next. But Shamus had the Poo's "What else have you got that's tasty?" look. I opened the jar of honey and Shamus finished it off.

Shamus then sat down on the couch, smashing it flat. He fell asleep and went into hibernation for five months. I went online and found out never wake up a hibernating bear.

When he awoke in the spring he seemed content to stay in my place. I didn't mind because I'd been considering getting a dog, and I thought this was close enough.

Apples!

I went to an apple picking farm today. I went off by myself in search of the juiciest apple. I had to walk a mile by the time I found the tree. The apples were so ripe that the branches were bent to the ground.

Normally I don't care for apples. I think they look great. They look like shiny hearts on stems. But I never eat them.

But today I had this strange hunger. I ate the first apple and really enjoyed it. Then I ate a few more. Soon I'd eaten thirty. That's a lot. I think it's like drinking five gallons of water with a meal. My stomach was actually sloshing back and forth.

I laid down under the tree and fell asleep. I dreamnt of the tree I just feasted from. The tree said, "Thanks. I appreciate what you did for me. I couldn't hold the weight anymore. That's why I called you here today." It probably helps to know that things that normally can't speak, do well communicating in dreams.

I said, "I'm glad I could help." That's true. I look for ways to help.

The tree said, "I hope you're stomach will be okay."

I said, "I'll be okay." But the truth is, I wasn't sure.

Temporary Diversion

I was riding my bike and I crashed into a tree and I found myself at the gates of Heaven. I couldn't believe it. I thought they were an invention of movies. There was mist and very tall ivory and gold looking gates. There was a line to get in. I thought, "Wow, we never have to stop waiting in lines."

I got up to the gate and the person there asked me my name. I told her. She said I wasn't on the list. I said that was probably because my death was an accident. There wasn't enough time to get listed. She said, "No one's death is an accident, even though it may seem so."

She said I would have to go back to being alive. I didn't argue. I'm not an arguer. When people fight they become more invested in winning than listening to the other person's point.

Falls in My Lap

I slept till 2 today. The thing is, I had a job interview at 10 am. It was my second interview at Bank of America. I applied to be president of the bank. I filled out the application on a whim. I was certain I wouldn't get the job. It was fun to pretend. I was stunned when I was called by B of A. I showed up to the interview in shorts and a t-shirt. Then I was doubly stunned by the call back.

When I went to bed last night I decided not to set my alarm. I thought, "If I wake up in time, I'll go to the interview." Wait, I have a text, let me check it...It says, "We're sorry that you couldn't make the interview...if you're interested we would like to offer you the job." Wow, I'm so glad I didn't go to the interview.

I think I'll take the job. It pays five million dollars a year plus bonuses. I've never had that much money. I think it would be an interesting experience to be that loaded. The thing is, I don't plan on getting a bank account with B of A. I've heard their tellers aren't very friendly. If I happen to change their hiring of tellers policy and things get better, then I might reconsider.