Golf

I've never played golf till today. I went to the Oak Brook Hills Resort out in the western suburbs of Chicago. It's exclusive, but I have the money and I paid. I rented eight caddies and a set of golf clubs.

I was really crappy at first. I had a hard time hitting the ball. When I finally did, it didn't go far. One of the caddies started to complain and I fired him. One of my other caddies, his name was Derrick, took me aside and said, "The ball is the switch, and when you flick it, you turn on the lights." I took that to heart and hit the ball solidly. It went far, way out into the woods. I gave Derrick a fifty and I went after the ball.

I found the ball sitting next to a rabbit who was waving its paw. The rabbit said, "I thought I'd help." I gave my caddy, Lou, $30 and told him to go to Dominick's and pick up a twenty pound bag of carrots and give it to the rabbit.

I took the shot with a little less impact and it ricocheted off a tree limb and landed back on the green. This made sense to me. I played a lot of pinball when I was a kid, and learned that you have to bounce off the things around you to stay in the game. I hit the ball again and clanked off a moving golf cart. That brought the ball to the putting green.

By now the word was out about my generosity and there was a bevy of forest animals all waiting alongside the green. I nodded towards a mole. The mole came over. I said, "What do you like?" The mole said, "Worms. As many as I can fit in my mouth." I motioned a caddy to come over. I said, "What's your name?" She said, "Angelina." I said, "Angelina, I noticed a bait shop a half mile north away from the course on my way in this morning. I need you to get me two pounds of fresh worms for my mole friend." I gave her twenty and she was on her way. I looked at the mole and then nodded towards the green. The mole burrowed a straight line to the hole. I got a putter and hit the ball and it rode the ridge of the mole's work like a bowling ball alongside a gutter ball preventer, and went in.

I played the next 16 holes with the support of anything I could find. But when I got to the 18th, I was basically exhausted and by then a lot of people were following and watching me play. So I took everyone to lunch, and while we were eating I had my caddy Denny, carry the ball and drop it into the hole.

What a great day!

Sanctity

I went to church this morning. I always sit in the back pew. I'm happiest there.

But this morning the back pew was full. I had to sit in the third row from the front. I was okay briefly. But then I could feel people's prayers moving forward past me. It was unsettling. I tried to brush them off, but they stuck to my hands.

I got up and went to the front where the priest was leading the service. I dunked my hands in the holy water so I could wash off the prayers. People got upset. I wasn't being disrespectful. I figured the prayers now had a better chance of being answered. But I was asked to leave and not come back.

I sulked as I walked home. I was disenchanted and felt low.

But then a raven flew in front of me and flapped its wings in place.

I said, "Yes?"

The raven said, "Stop your sobbing. Really, you make too much of things. When one thing wears out, you get another."

I said "Okay." I felt myself standing taller. I walked with a stride.

I soon came upon a clown. He was a street performer. He was juggling and quite badly. He got down on himself about it. I laughed. I stayed through his whole show.

Beheld

I took my plastic Christmas tree out of the attic and set it up in the living room. I got out the garland and the ornaments and hung them on the tree. I set a plastic gold star on the tree top. I even added the lights. I sat on my couch and beheld.

I heard a sound coming from the window behind me. It was the pine tree besides my house brushing up against the window panes. I opened the window.

I said, "Yes?"

The pine tree said, "Are you upset at me or something?"

I said, "No. Why?"

The pine tree said, "Well, you put a fake tree up inside your house, and you dressed it up really fancy, and you've been adoring it and you haven't looked out at me all day."

I said, "I'm sorry. It's just that I didn't think you were into this."

The pine tree said, "Well...I am. I'm sorry. I know that sounds stupid."

I said, "No, not really. I'm glad you've told me how you're feeling."

I took all the shiny accessories off the fake tree and brought them outside to the pine tree. I got a ladder from my garage and adorned the pine. I plugged the lights into an outside outlet. I finished up by putting the fake tree out by the trash and then I sat on the ground and beheld the pine tree as it glowed.

I said, "You're beautiful!"

The pine tree said, "Thank you, thank you so much!!"

In Preparation

I'm typing my blog from outside the Wall-mart in Skokie, Illinois. I'm camping out for the Black Friday big sales event. The store opens at 5 am. I'm very excited.

I need to be ready and aware. I'm deliberately not making friends with people in line so there will be no distractions come the big day. Last year I made the mistake of befriending five people. When the doors opened that Friday morning, two of them fell over in the stampede. I had a great start, but my conscience made me turn around and help them. That delay resulted in me giving my kids the Condensed Dickens Volumes 2 and 4, and a bag of marbles for Christmas. They didn't speak to me until March.

Doing What I Can to Help

I help turkeys hide out during the week of Thanksgiving. They stay in my apartment until the day after the holiday.

I'm not a vegetarian. I actually eat turkey on Thanksgiving day. Just not any of those I'm helping to hide.

This Evening

I was sitting on my couch, watching the news. The newscaster was talking about the Senate's debate over the health care bill. Suddenly she stopped and looked straight ahead. She didn't say anything for a good ten seconds.

Then she said, "You don't seem to be enjoying this. It's making it hard to do my job."

I thought, "Is she talking to me?" My heart was beating loudly. I said, "Are you talking to me?"

She said, "Yes. Why are you watching if you're not enjoying this?"

I said, "I don't know, I mean I was thinking I needed to be more informed about what's going on and -"

She sighed. She said, "Just turn it off. Seriously, this is not helping."

I said, "Um, okay." I turned off the TV. I felt really strange. I've never had that happen before. I kind of sat there for a little while.

Then I got up. I went outside to my backyard. It was pitch black. My eyes weren't adjusted. I looked up at the stars. The city lights made it so I could only see some of them. But they were pleasing to look at.

I looked over at my neighbor's house. He was watching TV. I saw the screen. It was the same newscaster. She was delivering the news. Suddenly she stopped and stood up. She pointed and said something. My neighbor opened his window and said, "Excuse me, but the newscaster asked me to ask you to please stop watching."

I said, "I'm sorry."

I went back to looking at the stars.

Me and My Tree

I own a sequoia tree. It's deep in the Redwood Forest. I go and visit it every few months. I have to drive up to the forest and then hike for five miles to get to my tree. I sit down at it's base and spread a blanket. I get out food and have a picnic. I bring foot long plant food spikes and push them in the ground near my tree's roots.

I also talk with my tree. Here's some of the conversation from my trip last Friday:

The Tree: So, what have you been up to?

I said, "I finished my second book. It's about how clouds are depressed. They feel badly that people get upset when they block the sun. The clouds take it personally. They are just going their job. If they didn't do what they did, famine would spread over all the lands. I think it's going to be a bestseller. How about you?"

The Tree said, "A robin family built a nest on one of my branches. I don't mind because I like robins. Sometimes their chirping wakes me up from naps, and I get irritable, but then I realize it's robins and I'm happy."

It Helps

When I feel nervous, I think back to the time before I was conceived, and I relax.

What I Saw

Tonight I came home and started to get ready for bed. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I put toothpaste on the brush and looked at myself in the mirror as I started to brush and I was somewhat surprised to see a bear's face. Of course, at first I jumped back and put my hands in front of my face. I think that's pretty normal. But then I saw bear paws over a bear's face and I got it.

I continued brushing. I thought, "Wow, do I have sharp teeth." I looked at my wet nose. It looked so shiny under the bathroom's strong lights. I opened my mouth wide as I brushed. I thought, "Boy, I bet I could fit a whole fox in there." I spit out the toothpaste and washed my mouth out with water. I took out my contacts. I looked at my face in the mirror again. I was a blur. I felt a little sad because the specialness was gone.

Service

Last night there was a knock at my door. It was one of the meteors from the big meteor storm a few nights ago. It had gotten lost from the pack. It was tired and hungry. I cooked the meteor some eggs with potatoes. After wolfing down the food, it laid down on my couch. We started to watch the Daily Show. Within a few minutes the meteor was snoring. I turned off the TV, put a blanket over the meteor, and shut off the light.

It feels good to help the universe.

Afternoon Visit

I went for a walk down an alleyway. Suddenly I felt the ground shake, and saw the asphalt buckle. A sinkhole opened in front of me. It came up to my toes. I looked down and saw for miles. Way down there were the flames of hell.

I heard a voice call out from down there, "Hey, come on down."

So I jumped. It was a long fall. At first I was nervous, but then I relaxed. There was no wind. Just increasingly warm air.

Finally I landed in a lake of fire. I got out and walked ashore. It was beautiful down there. There was so much fire that it made everything look golden. I thought, "This is the closest experience to being on the Sun."

Satan came up to me and said, "Welcome to hell." I thanked him. Satan showed me around. We had lunch. I had an egg salad sandwich. Satan had an omelet. It turns out that in hell they only serve food with eggs. I was glad because I needed a little extra protein.

Hell is pretty big. It went on for miles. I got tired. Satan got us a golf cart and we drove around for a while. I started to get bored. I'm amazed that even the most interesting experiences begin to feel normal after a while.

I said I had to go. Satan thanked me for visiting. I thanked Satan for inviting me and showing me around. I went back up. I had to take the stairs. That took a very long time. There's a point where I think I'd walked up 12,000 steps and I experienced an illusion that I was now walking on a flat surface. That was so weird!

wonder

I work one day a week at the Wonder Bread factory. I kneed bread. That's all I do. I work Tuesdays from 4 am till noon. I love my job. I'm exhilarated by the smell of yeast. I'm enthralled by the warm feeling of dough between my fingers. I enjoy taking home a fresh loaf and making a tuna fish sandwich. I'm thrilled when I look in the mirror of my bathroom and see the powder of flour on my face.

One of my friends asked me, "If you like your job so much, how come you only do it one day a week?"

I said, "If I did it more often, I wouldn't notice."

They said, "But then you'd have more money and life wouldn't be so hard."

I took out a slice of Wonder Bread and ate it plain. I liked the feeling of dough in my mouth.

Second Opinion

I wasn't feeling well. I took the day off of work and went to the doctor. The doctor examined me and said I was healthy. I left the doctor's office and went outside and sat in my car.

My dog, Desmond, who'd been waiting for me in the car said, "What's the verdict?"

I said, "It turns out I'm healthy."

Desmond howled and said, "That's great news!"

I said, "Yes, but I still feel like crap."

Desmond said, "Yes, but sometimes...you're wrong."

Sweet

I went out to get some water. I drew the pail up from my well. I was surprised to find it filled with molasses.

I said down to the well, "Um, are you okay?"

The well said, "Yes. I was thinking you could use some sweetness in your life."

I said, "Well, why, what do you mean?"

The well said, "...it's just, um, well, actually, I thought, ahhhh, well you know...I just wanted to say I love you."

I said, "Wow, thanks. I love you too."

I took the pail of molasses and walked back to my house. When I got inside I poured the molasses down the drain. I'm allergic to molasses, but I didn't want to refuse the gift from the well because it would have hurt its feelings.

Late Night Friend

I laid in bed. I couldn't sleep. I got up and went outside. I looked up at the moon. The moon acknowledged me.

The moon said, "What's up?"

I said, "I can't sleep."

The moon said, "Oh, good, then you can keep me company."

We sang some folk songs. We played jacks. We played psychic telephone. At one point the Moon fell asleep. I didn't wake it because I feel when someone needs to sleep you let them. The moon woke back up and we spoke in Russian. Neither of us was very good at it. But late at night, those kind of things don't matter.

Lyrical Predicament

This morning I woke up inside my acoustic guitar. On a poetic level that sounds romantic, but it was actual and uncomfortable. I tried shifting my way out of the sound hole in the front of the guitar, but there was no room to maneuver an escape. I got frustrated and thought of kicking my legs through the guitar's wooden walls. But it was a really good guitar and I didn't want to damage it.

I didn't know how this happened. I went to sleep in my bed. My guitar was in my kitchen. But then I thought even if I figured out how it occurred, how would it help me out of the predicament?

What ended up happening was my dog, Burt, came into the room and saw me in the guitar. He came up and began licking my face. This loosened things up so my head came out the guitar's aperture. He kept licking me and eventually I slid all the way out.

Spirits in the Night

I'm related to John Paul Jones. He was a famous naval fighter in the Revolutionary War. I had a poster of him in my room when I was a kid. I used to look him in the eyes and repeat back his famous phrase, "I have not yet begun to fight!"

I looked to him for courage. I had an intense fear of monsters underneath my bed. At night I would shut out the light and sprint to bed before the monsters had a chance to attack me. I would pull the sheets over my head and lay still. I listened carefully for the monsters movements. I felt they were awake the entire night and would basically wait for me to get out of bed to go to the bathroom where they would attack and devour me. I wouldn't drink anything from 3 pm to insure my not having to go to the bathroom after I went to bed.

I lay in bed at night praying for the strength and resolve of Commander J.P. Jones. I knew it was in my blood. If I could attain this, then I had a chance to live.

Things came to a head on December 21st, 1967. I made the mistake of having drunk a glass of eggnog after dinner. I love eggnog. I woke up at 1 am and I had to pee. I thought I could hold it in till the morning. But eggnog is a diuretic. I basically had a handful of seconds before I would pee in my bed. Urine makes monsters go crazy. They would leave their home under my bed and rise up and attack me. I had no choice.

I threw off my sheets, stood up on my bed and screamed, "I have not yet begun to fight! I have not yet begun to fight!!" I lept off the bed and landed halfway across the room. I slid and slammed into my bookcase, knocking my car and dinosaur models all over the floor. I figured this unplanned move was in my favor since the monsters could possibly slip on them. They are vicious, but in no way agile.

I lept again, this time landing and sliding through the doorway. But it wasn't the door. My time and space radar was jarred from the bookcase debacle. I'd landed in the closet. A catastrophe of the unimaginable. This is where the monsters go when they are tired of being under the bed. I felt them apon me. I fought them but to no avail. They were on me from all sides. I screamed, "I have not yet begun to fight!!"

The lights went on. My parents yelled, "What the hell is going on?!" I yelled, "Save yourselves!" I fought as they pulled clothes from me that were wrapped around my head, neck and body. Clothes that had been just been on hangers. My dad reached down and pulled me up by my pajama top. He said, "What in the Sam Hill is going on here?!"

I couldn't say. Telling my parents would have put them in danger. Once you know about the monsters, they know about you. I said that I was sleep walking and I wouldn't do it again. My dad said, "You better not. Now get to bed."

I got in bed. He shut off the light. I pulled the sheets over my head. I listened. And then I remembered, I had to go to the bathroom.

feebly

I played chess in the park today. They have open boards and you find an opponent sitting by themselves and you sit down and play. I played a eleven year named Delores. I figured I could beat her because she was wearing a retainer that was tilted sideways, and she wore really thick glasses and she kept taking them off and rubbing her eyes, and she looked scared. I look for ways to win because it helps me with a new sense of confidence that I'm just starting to build out of sitting up straight, a tin of menthol cigarettes, and a VHS tape about P.T. Barnum.

Alas, I lost in less than a minute. She beat me in two moves. My inebriated ambition made me tragically reliant to cliched ineffectualism. I was blind to Delores's chess masterdom. I couldn't hold back my tears. I shook. Delores sat next to me and comforted me by patting my head. Unfortunately it made me cry harder.

Delores said, "Don't worry. As Carlos Albinger said, "Each one of us has our own places of excellence in which we sometimes grandly reside."

I thought about how I came up with mixing a can of tuna, kraft macaroni and cheese, and del monte string beans in my freshman year of college and I impressed some people on my dorm room floor. They said it looked bad, but tasted good. I felt strong again.

Help

Thanksgiving was coming up. I went to the grocery store and ordered a turkey. The next day the door bell rang and there was a turkey standing at my door.

The turkey said, "You're Brooks?"

I said, "I am. Who are you?"

The turkey said, "You ordered me at the Jewel. I'm your turkey dinner."

I said, "I didn't realize I ordered a living turkey. I can't see me killing you. I'm okay if you go free. There's a forest about two miles north of here."

The turkey said, "Thanks. But I've never lived outside. I've always been in captivity. Can I stay with you? I can help around the house."

I said, "Okay."

I've never had someone help me with keeping my home in order.

Time

I spent some time at the library. I read a book by Francis Chalmers called, "Frightening Ways of Time." She is a physicist at the University of Houston. She extols the wily devices that time employs in its endeavors. She says that time is so desirous of attention that it shakes rapidly in place thus creating space so it can be noticed. She said, "We can look at the egregious self manufacturing nature of time and label it notorious, but which of us is not guilty of similar inventions?"

Her words made me cry. I went online and got her email address. I wrote to her and said, "You made something that I saw as an ally into an outlaw."

She wrote back, "Time is the peace officer too. When you create, you modify, and thus you can't help but be responsible for your manufacturings."

I took off my watch and smashed it. One of the librarians came by and said I had to leave.

Universe Sailor

I was born in a spaceship. My mother was a Russian cosmonaut. She made it up into space. While there she delivered me. Technically it makes me a citizen of space. I have no World affiliations. This makes it hard to get a passport. I'm allowed into countries, but usually for the shortest amount of time. Kind of like if I go into a restaurant to only use the bathroom.

This got to be a frustrating way to live. Finally, I said why fight it. I built my own spaceship and I took off into space. I felt at home. When I needed exercise I went for spacewalks. When I desired to be on land, I would touch down on the Moon and walk around.

I have a space friend. Her name is Ivanika. She was also born in space from a cosmonaut mother. She built her own space ship too. Sometimes we see each other approaching and we'll wave. When we're feeling lonely we'll dock.

Snail's Pace

I have a pet snail. It's name is Aberdeen. I take it for walks. We watch TV together. Aberdeen's glass cage is right next to my bed. Every night before I go to sleep, I say, "Good night, Aberdeen."

My family says that I need companions beyond Aberdeen. They say it's unhealthy that I spend Christmas with just the company of my pet. They worry that I might be in some state of mental deconstruction.

But I've learned from Aberdeen that we have very thin shells protecting us and we need to do what's simple and easy, and that this makes us happy.

Passionate

I opened a can of string beans. I was surprised to find it filled with gold coins. I took one out. It was shiny like it had been newly minted. But the date on the coin was 1863.

I took out the rest of the coins. They were also from 1863. There were ten coins total. I felt pretty good. I mean, I like string beans. But I really like gold coins.

I took the coins down to a local jeweler to have them appraised. He took a look. He gasped and started crying. He said they were extremely rare. He said that in 1863, the Philadelphia Mint, which was where these coins were made, experienced a great and bizarre complication during the minting process. Most of the people who usually worked for the mint were temporarily working for the ammunitions plant making bullets and cannon balls for the Civil War. The mint was being run by novices. These newbies poured the liquid gold into the coin mold. There were ten coins to a mold. But when the mold was opened, the coins were missing. Detectives were brought in, the place and employees were searched, but the coins were never found.

I thought how amazing it is that a person can like their job so much it makes them cry.

Thinking of...

"I think I used to be a squirrel. This isn't bad because I can now go to the store for nuts."

Opps

I went for a hike early this morning. I came upon a hole in the ground. I went down inside to see where it lead. I used the light from my iphone to see the surroundings and found myself walking around some caves. They were cold and damp.

I walked a little further. I soon discovered an immense underground lake. The water was still. I went in. It was freezing! But the calm waters were so soothing. I swam for a couple of hours. I thought, "I want to live down here."

I exited the cave, got all my stuff, moved it down into the cave, right on the shore of the lake. I felt peaceful and at home. All of a sudden lights were turned on in the cave. Everything was illumined. People started showing up in droves. They ran or dove into the lake and swam wildly and splashed each other and talked loudly. It turns out someone owns the cave and charges people to swim in the lake. It's advertised as having healing qualities. There's a huge entrance.

I felt kind of dumb sitting there with my huge pile of belongings. I thought about packing it all up and going home.

But then I thought, "What the hell!" and I got a job as a life guard.