Logic for the Deceased

One of my relatives was the late General George Custer. Every once in a while he comes to visit me. I used to say his ghost, but it turns out people in a situation of being once alive do not like to be called ghosts. They prefer 'retired from living'.

He visited me earlier today. The interesting thing is ghosts don't knock. Even if you tell them, "Look, when you walk into a room unannounced, and you're dead, it has a way of making people unsettled." They may hear you, and apoligize and say they won't do it again, but they forget.

Custer walked into my living room. I jumped. He apoligized. I forgave him.

I said, "How are you today?"

Custer said, "I'm a little sad."

I said, "Why?"

Custer said, "Well, I was a brilliant commander in the Civil War. I did things that had even Grant uttering to himself, "Wow, how'd you do that?" But then I was involved as a General in the Indian Wars for a brief, short passage of time, and I ended up getting killed in a quite embarasing loss, and now that's all everyone remembers me for. It's bothersome!"

I said, "People remember me for accidently lighting the town Christmas tree on fire last year, but they seldom remember that I invented cheese. How fair is that?"

He said, "Hmmm,yes, I see your point."

L. Cohen

I was laying in bed, looking out the window, watching the tree grow.

I got a phone call. It was from Leonard Cohen. I was happy to hear from him. I told him I was going to see him in concert tonight.

He said that was why he was calling. He got my number from the list of people who bought tickets. He choose me randomly. He was feeling nervous about performing and wanted to know if it would be okay if he didn't perform.

I told that I'd be disappointed, but I would understand.

He was relieved. He said he expected me to be mad. He started to laugh. He must have laughed about three minutes. It was nice to hear him laugh. He's got a deep resonating voice. It sounded like a song with laughing for words. I told him that.

He said that was a really good idea. I could tell he meant it. Suddenly he was excited again. He said that he changed his mind and would now like to go ahead and perform this evening. He wants to do the laughing song. He said he wanted to give me co-writing credit.

I said that it wasn't necessary. I was just glad that his show was happening again.

Pompeii

My family are descendents from the volcanic disasters in the city of Pompeii. Our lineage goes back to Terentius Neo, a baker who lived in downtown Pompeii in 79 AD, the year of the occurance of the volcano.

As a result, when I was growing up, we had to go to Pompeii every year and pay our respects. It's not that odd of a thing. Many descendents return to the city on August 24th, the anniversary of the disaster. They dress in authentic clothing from the time and stand in the place where their relatives were thought to be at the time of the great event. I didn't like wearing the tunic though. I felt like I was wearing a dress. I'd complain to my dad and he'd say, "It's not a dress, it's a tunic!!"

Anyway, my dad would be dressed as Terentius. He'd stand on V St. and get out dough and begin kneeding. My sister and mom and I portrayed his helpful family members. My mom would go, "Terentius, there's a leak in the roof, can you please fix it before the rains come?" He'd grunt, and go, "Woman, is there no end to your requests?" and then go up onto the roof (it was a ladder he rented from the locals).

Once on the roof, he saw the lava approaching and would yell at us to run. But we couldn't hear over the erruptions of the volcano. Then we had to pretend we were baked alive by lava. My sister and I liked that because we got to scream and roll around on the ground. My mom prefered a silent death. She said stoicism was honorable.

Thinking It Would Be Better

I was frustrated with the way things are, and I decided it would be easier to go back in time, back to when things were simpler and easier.

I ended up in July 1st, 1863. I was in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. It turns out it was the first day of a three day battle during the American Civil War. There was a few second thrill of actually seeing something that I read about in American History in high school. But then it became treacherous as I was shot at and almost bayounted. Plus it was extremely loud. I don't know how people went to war and didn't go deaf.

I shot ahead to July 2nd, 1880. I was in Washington, DC. It was an exciting time. Horse and buggies shot by me on the street. Many people had beards. Women wore dresses that made them look like walking flowers. I thought, "Yes, a better time." But then President James Garfield walked by, there was some shouting and then shots ran out. Someone yelled, "The President has been shot!" I thought, "Oh, Jeez! This is ridiculous!"

Then I ended up on a beach in Europe. There was no one around. It was so relaxing. I thought, "Yes, finally!" But then I thought, "Wait, Europe, June 6th,1944...Normandy Beach. Oh, no!" Suddenly American troops began landing on the beaches. Bombs were exploding all around me. Gun shrapnel flew past me like rain. One scraped my arm. It hurt like hell. I began bleeding all over the place. I thought, "That's it!"

I was back to where I began. I thought, "Oh, this is nice..."

Transcriber

When I write, I lay on my bed and I say what I want to say out loud, and my dog transcribes by typing my words on the computer. He hits 'publish post' and it ends up on my blog.

He asked me to acknowledge his part. I don't mind. I need to be relaxed so the ideas flow freely. Sometimes I'm laying there and I still feel tense. So I have him come over and I pat his head. That helps me relax and the words flow freely again.

Stuck in a Hole

I was walking through the woods and fell into a hole. I must have fallen 16 feet. I looked at the sides of the hole, but couldn't find a means to climbing out. I yelled for help. I must have yelled for a half hour.

Suddenly an armadillo fell into the hole. The armadillo told me that it heard my cries for help and followed the sound. Because it was focused on finding the location of my voice, it didn't notice the hole. The armadillo felt dumb. I assuaged its guilt by saying that it meant a lot to me that it tried to help me.

We yelled together for assistance. Without warning, a bobcat fell into the hole. The armadillo and I were afraid at first. Bobcats can be fierce. But then the bobcat explained that it was trying to find us, and didn't notice the hole, and well, you know.

Within a period of a few hours, a tortoise, a sheep, an otter, a caribou, an aardvark and three rabbits had fallen into the hole in an attempt to save us. A beaver had fallen in too, but that was by accident.

We stopped yelling out loud for help because it was becoming obvious that it wasn't helping. The aardvark suggested we wait and see what happens. We sat silently.

Soon a squirrel stuck its head over the edge of the hole. It asked what we were doing down there. We explained. The squirrel then assembled pieces of vine, tied them to a tree, lowered the vine into the hole, and then one by one we all climbed out.

I apologized to everyone for the inconvenience. No one was particularly angry. As the otter said, "It's not like we were scheduled to be somewhere."

Odd and Good

I was driving home in the rain this evening. The rain fell so hard, I couldn't see out my windshield. I pulled over to wait it out.

I was sitting there when I heard a taping at my driver's side window. I saw that it was a duck. I like ducks, so I rolled down the window.

I said, "Yes?"

The duck said, "Um, I can't see where I'm flying and I was wondering if I could wait out the rain in your car?"

I said, "Sure."

The duck said, "Well, actually, it's not just for me. I was flying with a flock and I was hoping that you might have room for all of us?"

I said, "How many?"

The duck said, "14."

I said, "I think I can fit you all in."

The duck said, "Great". She motioned to her flock mates and they waddled over and got in my car. It was a tight squeeze. I didn't know this, but ducks express their agitation right away. So there was some loud disconcerting squaking as they tried to settle in. But then it went quickly tranquil.

I offered them some cashews. They accepted and ate them. Then we sat in silence for a while. The nice thing about hanging out with animals is it's never awkward to sit in silence.

The rain soon ended. They thanked me and started to leave. I asked them, "Where are you headed?" One of the ducks said, "a field outside of Springfield."

I said, "Oh, what the hell. I'll drive you."

A duck said, "Are you sure? You don't have to be somewhere?"

I said, "I never plan anything. Interesting situations consistently fill my schedule."

Pool Discussion

I went swimming in the hotel pool. It felt good to be under water. I let go of the pressures from my day. I was suddenly surprised to see a cod swimming next to me.

The cod said, "Where are you from?"

I said, "Evanston. And you?"

The cod said, "Lake Michigan. I got in this afternoon. I'm here for the conference on local fishing rights. I came to protest a possible extension of the allowable fishing area boundaries."

Like an idiot, I confessionally blurted out, "I had tuna for lunch."

The cod said, "No worries. This morning I ate my young."

Making Money

I bought a machine that makes quarters. I thought, "I'm going to go crazy with this and become a rich man!" But after a couple of hours, and 7 quarters later, I was exhausted and stopped. I took the $1.75 and went to the store across the street and bought a Milky Way and Twix bar. I ate them and felt better. I thought, "Well, I'm glad that worked out."

Easy Living

I made a house of balsa wood. It didn't take very long to make. About two weeks. I moved in and felt good about living in a home that I made myself.

I discovered the great thing about balsa wood is its lightness makes it easy for renovations. If I don't like a wall, I take it down in a minute. If I want a new room, I take some balsa scraps and quickly arrange it.

Another nice thing is termites hate balsa.

I do have to be careful because of the wood's soft and light nature. I step carefully. I can only hang the slightest of pictures on the walls. And I have to balance the furniture or else the home tips to one side.

Sometimes when it gets windy, I wish I reconsidered and gone with oak. But I know me, I would have run out of patience and never finished.

Taciturn

I went to the well in my backyard. I pulled the rope and drew up a bucket of water. I leaned my head towards the well and said, "Thanks, I appreciate it."

The well was silent.

I said, "Um, excuse me, is everything okay?"

The well said, "I'm sorry, but today I'm inclined towards silence."

I said, "Okay, I understand."

I unhitched the bucket of water and brought it inside. I poured some it in my dog, Blurr's, bowl. He lapped most of it up. I said, "How was it?"

Blurr said, "Good."

I poured myself a glass of water and drank it.

I said to Blurr, "Do you think the well's okay?"

Blurr said, "I don't know. I guess. Can you take me for a walk?"

I said, "Yes."

I took Blurr for a walk. We didn't say much. Even the trees were kind of silent.

Home

I flew back to Chicago. It was nice to be home. It had been a busy two weeks on the road. I unpacked and then went out to my backyard to relax in my hot tub. I turned on the jets of hot water and got in. I leaned back and looked at the stars.

An owl that lives in the neighboring chicory tree flew down to edge of the hot tub. The owl said, "May I join you?" I nodded.

The owl got in. It held its wings over the edge and floated next to me. We sat in silence.

A squirrel couple that lives high up in the oak tree came down and climbed to the tub's edge. They said, "May we?" I nodded. They came in and sat one on each of my knees and relaxed with their heads just above the water. I closed my eyes and relaxed.

When I opened my eyes, there was the raccoon, floating with it's arms hanging out over a bicycle inner tube. It raised an eyebrow for my okay. I winked.

I felt a wave of happiness and thought, "I can't remember where I've been the past two weeks."

Trying to Relax

I was feeling overwhelmed. I got out my shovel and went to the woods. I dug a four foot deep hole and then sat inside of it. I closed my eyes and relaxed. I started feeling better.

A grizzly bear looked over the edge and said, "Excuse me, but what are you doing down there?"

I thought, "God, can I ever get away?"

New Look

I'm working on a series of biographies that present a new look into the lives of famous people. Rather than point out their amazing accomplishments, I'm focusing on the mundane aspects. Here's an excerpt from, "Baltimore Resident: Edgar Allen Poe":

"Poe finished his meal and brought his dishes to the sink. He began washing the larger plate. He missed a few spots because he was tired. He finished washing the rest of the dishes. He got ready for bed. He lay under the covers and blew out the candle. His mind mulled over the day. He thought he would never fall asleep. But, as it always happens, he was soon dreaming."

Water

I rented a motorboat and took it out on the ocean. I got about a mile out when I found myself caught in a massive whirlpool. A part of me was terrified of going down this immense drain. Another part was in awe of its size and power. I tried to turn out to calmer waters, but I was sucked down into the depths. I ended up underwater. The funny thing is, I held onto the wheel because I thought I could steer the boat back up to the water's surface, I didn't realize a boat is not like a car.

I rode the boat to the bottom of the ocean. I actually sat there for a while. I think I must have been in some kind of shock. Luckily a swordfish came by and lightly tapped me on the shoulder with its sword nose. I looked towards the swordfish. It said, "I can help you, but you're going to have to let go of the wheel." I looked at my hands. They wouldn't let go. I had to mentally pull one finger off at a time. I got out of the boat and hopped onto the swordfish's back.

The swordfish road me to the water's surface and then back to shore. I got off. I said to the swordfish, "Thanks, I owe you my life." The swordfish said, "You're welcome. But it's not a big deal, I happened to be passing by." I said, "I know, but I appreciate it." The swordfish nodded. I felt a connection between us. That made the whole thing worthwhile.

A Pleasant Surprise

Tonight I bought a cello. I brought it home and set it up in my living room. I sat with the cello, took out the bow and commenced playing. It sounded horrible. I tried for fifteen minutes and it actually got worse. I got frustrated and kicked over the cello and threw the bow in the trash can.

My cat came in through the pet door. She looked at the cello on the ground. She spotted the bow, got it out of the trash, turned the cello upright, sat down and began playing. She played a variation of Mendelssohn's 3rd in E flat. It was spot on. I couldn't believe it. Her playing made me cry.

When she was done, I said to her, "How can you be so good? You've never played the cello before."

She said, "Since you're allergic to me, I have a lot of time to myself. For the past three years I have spent that extra time over at Fullerton Community College taking cello lessons. You haven't heard me play before because I rent the cello from the school, and they won't let me remove it from the premises, so I practice at the college. I was actually going to surprise you with a private concert for your birthday in March, but when I saw you in your sullen state, I thought now is better than later."

I said, "Thank you so much!" I moved to pet her.

She backed away and said, "No, no, remember your allergies!"

I stopped and said, "Your compassion knows no bounds."

On the Flight to LA

Early this morning I took a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles. I had a window seat by the emergency exit. I couldn't see past the wing, so I decided to take a nap. I nestled against the window and fell asleep.

In retrospect, I think what happened was I somehow got my jacket sleeve entangled around the emergency exit's handle, and with basic sleepy time tossing and turning, I opened the emergency exit and flew out the window. I woke up as I was sailing through the air. I saw the plane off in the distance. The interesting thing is, I felt kind of stupid. That was funny to me because it's not like I was aware of what I was doing.

So I fell. I passed through a cloud. That was a weird experience because even though I know clouds aren't solid, I actually had a thought it would hurt upon impact. Then I sailed down past a flock of geese. The best part was seeing the look on the geese faces. I didn't know birds could be confounded. Then I dropped down past a passing airplane. I don't think I'll ever forget the look of amazement from a little kid gazing at me through one of the plane's windows. He waved and I waved back.

I looked down and saw the ground quickly approaching. I thought, "Well, it's been a good life. I wish it was longer, but you can't write the ending of your life." This is when the oddest of odd things happened. A thread from my jacket must have been stuck on the emergency exit doors latch, and it spindled from the plane to me and stopped spindling when it reached the jacket's double threaded waistband, so I was basically pulled from hitting the ground, and I became a kite behind the plane.

The plane's flight crew members reeled me in until I back inside the plane. Everyone in the plane was applauding. The flight crew closed the emergency door. I sat back down in my seat. I was happy I survived. It took a while for me to calm down.

The Day's Discoveries

I went out for a walk today along the Santa Cruz pier. I looked over the edge and saw a bunch of sea lions swimming in the water. They reminded me of dogs, the way they barked and played. I love dogs. I jumped off the pier and landed amidst the sea lions. I played with them like dogs. I chased them, they chased me. I pet the top of their heads.

They dove under the water. I followed them. They went hunting for lunch. They found a school of flounder and began devouring them. I was so excited that I joined in. I couldn't believe how delicious it was!

When we were done eating, we laid out on the parallel wooden posts under the pier and took a nap. I felt peaceful.

When I awoke, I was shivering and felt cold to my bones. I realized I wasn't meant to be a sea creature. I need warm clothes. I generally feel better on land. I said goodbye to my sea lion buddies.

I went back home. I went to the fridge and found a fresh salmon steak. I unwrapped it. I was going to prepare it for the oven, but instead found myself taking a bite of the raw meat. It didn't taste good. So I added herbs and oil and put it in a pan in the oven. In a half hour I took it out and ate it. It was pretty good!

Trying to Help

Earlier today there was a knock at my door. I answered and it was a tiger. I was too scared to say anything.

The tiger said, "This is really awkward but I escaped from the zoo this morning and I'm really hungry, and don't worry, I'm not going to eat you, but I was hoping you have some tuna. They only serve it once a month at the zoo and I really like tuna."

I relaxed and said, "Sure, come on in."

The tiger came in and we walked to my kitchen. I got out a can of tuna. I opened it. I put it on a plate and brought it to the kitchen table where the tiger was seated. The tiger took a bite of the tuna.

I said, "Do you have any plans for where you're going to go next now that you are free?"

The tiger said, "Probably back to the zoo. This tuna tastes like crap."

Surprise Assist

Today I took a break from working and walked into the woods. There was no path. I had to step over a lot of fallen trees and side step thick brush. About a mile into my hike, I came apon an easy chair. I was glad because I was tired and needed a rest.

I sat down. It was very comfortable. I was excited to discover that it reclined. I liked leaning back and looking up at the long tree trunks.

After about a half hour, I felt rested and walked back. Without a path, I was able to find my way back to where I entered. I think it's because I was clear headed from my resting up on the easy chair.

Driving Around Town

I was driving around San Francisco when there was an earthquake and the road cracked open and I couldn't stop from driving into the crevice. I free fell for about a minute and then I landed in an underground river. I remembered hearing about them in grade school. There are actual underground rivers running underground. I was so excited! I felt like I was white water rafting.

I must have been on it for a half hour. Suddenly I was ejected out and off the side of a cliff. I thought, "Oh, this can't be good." But then I landed on a cloud. The fog is so thick in the Bay Area that it can support a car. Eventually I got close to a road running along one of the cities hills and easily transitioned to the asphalt. I thought, "Things have an interesting way of working out."

Inspiration

I took a walk in the woods. I came upon a birch tree.

I said, "Hi, how's it going?"

The birch tree said, "I'm okay. What's up with you?"

I said, "I'm thinking about starting a paper business. We would make paper from the finest birch trees in the forest. The quality of the parchment would be of the utmost. Are you interested in being a part of this enterprise?"

The birch said, "Sure, that sounds good to me."

I got out my buzz saw and cut down the birch tree.

I'm noticing how I inspire others with my enthusiasm.

On the Road

I was driving to Michigan yesterday morning. I was on the freeway, going along pretty well, until traffic came to a halt. After an hour it still hadn't moved. I got frustrated. I got out of my car and walked to see if I could find out what was happening.

It turns out some forest animals had built a blockade of trees across the freeway. Standing by the trees was a badger, two bears, six antelope, 3 armadillos, 5 raccoons, an eagle, and 15 mice. They had enough of the freeway noise and used their methods to put a stop to it. People were yelling at the animals. The animals were refusing to budge.

I said, "You know, it is a lot quieter without the traffic. I think they have a valid point."

But then I thought to myself, "I wonder if I said that because I'm so captivated by animals?"

How it Came Together

I like to walk down alleyways. They are private and I can sing out loud without being embarrassed. Yesterday I was walking down the alley, singing the piano variations of Rhapsody in Blue, when I heard a rustling in a trash can. I stopped to figure out what was causing that noise. A raccoon stuck its head out.

The raccoon said, "Why did you stop singing? I'm playing along with you."

I said, "Oh, sorry."

I went back to singing. I noticed the racoon's trash can playing was a perfect syncing of the bass notes of the piece I was performing. I really enjoyed the combination of our sounds. I kept singing till I finished the piece. When I was done, the raccoon stuck out its head.

I said, "Do you want to form a band?"

The raccoon said, "Yes!"