Preferable

This morning I went to the well behind my house to get some water. I drew up the pail of water and was stunned to find it full of soda. It was Sprite. I could tell by the smell of the fizz in the air.

I tried hard to think of how this could have happened. But then I stopped when I realized how much I like Sprite!

Vegas!

I had the day free and flew to Vegas. I went to the New York New York casino. I like their slots. I played for about an hour and netted $255. I took myself to lunch. I got the 52nd Street Hot Dog plate. It's an actual hot dog from a vendor on 52nd street. It was vacuum packed and flown in that day. There is still steam coming off of it. It was delicious!

I went back to the floor and played Black Jack. I play with those eye covers they give you on airplanes to help you fall asleep. This way I don't see the cards the dealer presents me. I'm stuck with the feeling of the situation only. I'm a lousy thinker. I think too much. Words fill my head and I can't think straight. I won big. $23,895.00. I cashed in my chips. I got it in five dollar bills. It filled my pockets. I felt rich.

I went outside for a walk. I walked north for a while. I passed the city limits. I was walking in the desert. I got to the red painted hills. I sat down on a big rock. It was a pretty view.

I saw a pelican fly by. I was thinking it must have escaped from the Venetian Hotel. They have a pretty descent zoo in their casino. I waved. It flew down and landed next to me. We sat in silence for a while.

The pelican asked, "How did you do?"

I showed him the two big fistfuls of cash.

The pelican said, "Nice."

I asked the pelican, "How about you?"

The pelican opened it's big hanging beak and showed me 2 salmon, one catfish, and 6 grouper.

I said, "Not bad yourself."

New TV

I bought a new TV over the weekend. I set it up and sat down to watch TV. I got out the remote and clicked the power button. The screen came on, but it was blue with no picture.

I said to the TV, "Um, is there a problem?"

The TV said, "I'm sorry, but I don't feel like it today."

I said, "Why, is there something wrong?"

The TV said, "No, I just don't want to do it."

I said, "Well, I'm not comfortable with that. I'd like to watch my shows on you."

The TV sighed. It said said, "Could it wait until tomorrow?"

I said, "No, I'd rather not."

The TV was silent. Then Flight of the Concords came on. But it was in Spanish.

I got out the manual. I called the 800 service number. I told them what was happening. They asked me for the TVs serial number. I told them. They said the TV was made in a plant in Singapore, and it turns out that particular batch was moody. I asked if there was anything that could be done about it. They said it would help if I was more sympathetic towards the needs of the TV.

I shut off the TV. I turned it on later in the evening. I got the blue screen.

I said to the TV, "What's wrong?"

The TV said, "I don't know. I just don't feel like it."

I said, "I know, I understand. You don't have to play my shows. I can do something else. Why don't you take it easy?"

The TV didn't say anything. Then Midnight Run came on. It was in English.

Resolution

Yesterday a panda showed up in my backyard. She climbed up my poplar tree and began eating the leaves. This made me angry because I love to gaze at the tree's pretty foliage. I went out back and walked up to the tree.

I said, "Um, excuse me!"

The panda said, "What?"

I said, "Look, I don't care for you eating those leaves."

The panda said, "Thanks for telling me how you are feeling."

I said, "No, I want you to stop."

The panda said, "I got that the first time."

I said, "Okay, so it's going to be that way."

I walked back to my house. I called the zoo. I asked them if they would be interested in a panda. They went nuts and said yes. I gave them my address. They came over in an hour, shot the panda with a tranquilizer, put it in their truck, and drove away.

I think it's good to start out being reasonable.

Vampire!

I was walking home last night from performing at a local comedy club. I turned the corner and encountered a vampire. I couldn't believe it. He was standing on the sidewalk with his arms outstretched. He was wearing a cape, his face was pale, his eyes were bloodshot, and of course, he had fangs. He headed in my direction.

He said, "Prepare to become immortal."

I said, "What do you mean by immortal?"

He stopped. He said, "You'll be one of the undead. You'll live forever."

I said, "And how is that good?"

He looked puzzled. He said, "Well, you never have to die...you exist in eternity...you never have to eat food again...you get to stay up all night..."

I said, "The part about staying up all night sounds okay. But the rest I don't care for."

He looked dejected. He said, "Really? Are you serious?"

I said, "Yes. It sounds great. But I know myself. I'd get used to living forever and then it wouldn't be special anymore."

He said, "Well, do you know anyone who might be interested in this?"

I thought about it. I said, "No, sorry."

He walked on into the night.

I'm finding my life has become a lot simpler since I've been direct with people.

Notes

Some notes about myself:

1. I have a job digging ditches and laying gas pipes. It's hard work. I took this job because I'm not good at taking time from my day to exercise.

2. I don't like to take baths or showers. So when I'm washing dishes, I get in the sink. By simultaneity, I also get washed.

3. I don't like to go to bed before midnight. So I do other things until then. But I'm usually tired before midnight, and I end up falling asleep while eating, watching TV or while driving. The great thing is, I wake up a little after midnight, I go to my bed, lie down and fall asleep.

Morning Venture

I went swimming in the lake this morning. I happened to come upon a turtle. We ended up swimming together. I took a picture of her with my camera phone.

I was having such fun that I lost track of time. We swam all the way to the Ocean. I was a little scared. I'd never swam there before. My turtle friend sensed my apprehension and took my hand with her flipper. We ventured into the deep blue.

The amazing thing I noticed was how crowded it was. Do you know the experience of a mall the day after Thanksgiving? I couldn't believe the fish and other sea creatures weren't crashing into one another.

My Mistake

I felt the ground shake. I looked out my back window and saw that the mountain top had exploded and lava was flowing from the mountain right towards my house. I was so angry. Tonight was supposed to be my night to relax and take it easy. But then I checked my calender and was relieved when I saw that I was wrong. I'd scheduled Monday evening, not tonight.

Pets

My dog, Miser, bought a giraffe costume with some money she made from an Alpo commercial she did this summer. Once she put it on and saw herself in the mirror, she believed she was a giraffe. She refuses to take it off, and this embarrasses me when I take her for a walk. I guess it's my problem and not hers. It's hard being a human.

My Job

I make my money through gambling. I bet on pig races at the Barrington Hog International Race Tracks.

I'm not any good at the horse track betting. I'm pretty lousy at the greyhound races. But I have an intuitive sense with the piggies.

Today I made $1,725.00. That's pretty good for a high school drop out!

Making the Best of...

I woke up this morning and I was a turtle. At first I thought I was dreaming. I closed my eyes and hoped things would change. But I only felt more awake and worried. I opened my eyes and touched my shell with my flat turtle's foot. I thought, "This is going to be a problem."

But then I remembered something I read in a book recently that said, "Suffering is the distance between what is and what I think should be." I didn't want to feel badly anymore.

So I went down to Thee Fish Bowl, a local pet store and bought a case of Meyer's Turtle Food Flakes, came back home, started a bath, added the flakes, climbed in, and enjoyed breakfast.

Online

I spent a large part of Sunday working online. I was so focused that I was leaning towards the screen. Well, I guess I leaned too far forward and fell into the Internet.

Everything was amazingly bright. It was hard to look at the things around me without wincing. Sometimes I had to shield my eyes with my hands.

After a few moments I could see clearly. I saw huge words walk past me. They had a definitive sense of purpose. I got in their way and they swore and pushed me aside. Then these words vigorously joined up with groups of other words and formed sentences and paragraphs. It turns out they were putting on a news story.

Then a big photo slid by to join the words. The people in the photo looked at me. They must have sensed I was out of place. I heard one person say to another, "What's he doing here?"

It was all very exciting until I fell into a stream of numbers. They carried me with such ferocity that I thought I would get torn apart and turned into electricity. I realized it was the rivers of html, the undercurrent of the Internet. I thought it would be the end of me.

But the numbers buckled and coughed me up and I was spit up into YouTube. I got into a video screen and sent myself to my sister. She got the video, opened it up and I looked through the screen to her face. She laughed. She thought it was a silly video from me. But then I pointed out what she was wearing, and she got it. She had some of her coworkers hold one of her arms and she leaned in and grabbed and pulled me out.

It was exciting, but I've decided to cut back on the time I spend on the Internet.

In the Memory of Mary

I was writing from home today when Death came into my room. I was startled.

Death said, "Don't worry, I haven't come for you."

I said, "Oh. Okay, thanks...Then why are you here?"

Death said, "I'm looking for Mary Olsen. She lives in your building, but I can't find in which unit. I was wondering if you could help me out and tell me where I would find her?"

I was silent. I like Mary. I didn't want her to die.

Death said, "I know, you like her. I'm sure she's pretty nice. But this is my job. If you don't tell me, I'll have to go back to my office to get her address and so you're basically sparing her an extra hour. Is it really worth the effort?"

I said, "Yes."

Death sighed. He said, "Alright." He left.

I ran down to Mary's unit and knocked on the door. She answered.

She said, "Hi, Brooks. What's up?"

I said, "Oh my God, Mary, you're not going to believe this, but, Death himself was just at my apartment and he's looking for you, and I wouldn't tell him, and he left to go get your exact address and then he's coming back for you. So you've got to leave right now, quickly before he comes back!"

She laughed. She said, "That's funny. You should put that in your blog."

What I Did Today

I had some extra time today and took a rocket ship to the Sun. I landed and walked around. Initially it was really uncomfortable. It's incredibly hot and I didn't stop sweating. I thought, "This was a mistake."

But then I got used to it. I enjoyed watching the swirling fire. It was like watching the waves in the ocean, except it was flames.

Hitchhiked

Today I hitchhiked to work. I got a lift from an elderly woman. I thanked her and told her where I was going. She nodded and drove silently. I thought I should say something, but she seemed to enjoy silent driving. I relaxed and enjoyed the ride.

She dropped me off at work. I thanked her. She nodded and drove off.

I thought, "Maybe she was an angel." But then I thought, just because someone is very quiet and kind doesn't make them a winged happy time benefactor creature.

Hot Stuff!

I have a pet aardvark. His name is Felix. He is concerned with style. I take him with me to the Salvation Army thrift shop and he walks down the aisles looking for clothing that catches his eye. I took this picture of Felix in his new leg warmers that he got from the shop on Friday. He's been wearing them for the past three days straight.

I Dreamt of....

I drive a truck across the country, delivering cheese to various super markets. I like the time to myself. It's meditative to feel the road beneath the truck's wheels, and to see trees off in the distance, and to feel the sway of the wind against the truck.

Though the relaxation can be dangerous. Recently I fell asleep at the wheel. I dreamnt I was friends with a dragon. The dragon could fly, but since he was my friend, he would walk places with me. We'd walk to the store together. We'd walk to the movies.

Once when we were walking, the dragon saw that I was about to step into a hole on the sidewalk, and he stopped me.

I woke up, with my foot on the break. I heard my truck screaching. I saw a school bus in front of me. They had stopped to repair a flat tire. The school bus was filled with kids. My truck skidded and swayed. It stopped a few feet from the side of the school bus.

I got out to make sure everyone was okay. Some of the kids were crying. The teachers on board the bus were letting them know it was all okay.

I got on the bus and apoligized to the kids.

One of the kids smiled at me. He was drawing a picture in his notebook. It was of a guy walking with a dragon.

Circumstances

I woke up this morning and was surprised to find a raccoon sleeping next to me. I was a little scared to wake it up because I heard that raccoons panic when startled and they have very sharp claws. I slid out of bed very slowly.

I stepped onto the floor and bumped against a hippo. The hippo shuffled a bit, but stayed asleep. I was more startled by the presence of the hippo than the raccoon. They are so big. And they smell!

I slid by the hippo. I stepped into my living room. There was a vulture perched on my couch. It was sleeping too, but it opened one eye. It was an intense eye. I guess they assess things on whether or not they can eat it. It closed its eye and went back to sleep.

I got out some orange juice and poured it into a glass. I sat down at my kitchen table and thought about how these animals could have come into my home. Last night I watched television until about midnight. I brushed my teeth and went to bed. I don't remember any animals during any of these activities.

I felt something brush against my feet. It was cold and slimy. I looked down and saw a boa constrictor slither by. I was scared that it would wrap around me. But it went by and then down the hallway.

I noticed my side door was partially open. That must have been how they got in. But, why?

I got online to investigate. I saw on the local news that the zoo caught fire. Many of the animals died. But a good number escaped and they had yet to be found.

I heard the side door creak. I looked and saw a gorilla walk in. It sat next to me. It smelled of soot. It was scared. I got it a glass of water. The gorilla drank it down. I motioned towards my couch. The gorilla went and laid down. I put a blanket over him. He was asleep within seconds.

recharging

I worked so very hard all day. I got home and laid down on the couch. My dog, Blenellen, came up to me and licked my hand. I made some kind of barely audible sound to express a hello.

Blenellen recognized my tiredness and leaped into action. She made me some pancakes. They were kind of undercooked, and the maple syrup was mostly on the underside of the plate, but her efforts made them delicious.

She drew me a bath. She poured the entire contents of the Mr. Bubble box into the tub, so it was difficult for me to find the tub. Then once I sat in the tub, the bubbles were over my head. I thought, "This is what it must be like to be in a cloud." I relaxed.

After I was done with my bath, she motioned me towards the bedroom with her nose. When I got there, I found the sheets drawn back and my pajamas were laying on the bed. There was dog hair all over the bed, and my pajamas were covered with saliva, but I didn't mind. I fell asleep immediatly.

When I awoke, Blenellen was standing by the bed with the leash in her mouth. I lept out of bed fully recharged and I took her for a walk!

Timbre

This morning I was out back of my house, cutting down a tree to make a guitar. I chose a redwood because of their great timbre. I whittled down and hallowed out the best part and formed the body of the guitar. I sliced off some metal from my water tower and thinned them down for the strings, and then attached them to the wood. I got a rock for a pick and began to strum.

I was wailing away and having a good time when a bear came out of the woods. My first thought was caution because they are not domesticated. I raised up the guitar in a threatening gesture. The bear held up his paws to assuage me. I put down the guitar. He held up two pine cones, and rubbed them together. They created a sort of washboard rhythm section. I nodded and began playing and he joined in.

A few minutes later five moose walked up to where we were playing. I didn't stop. I figured they were there to audition and I'd let them chime in when they were ready. They waited a moment to get the feeling, and then they did a choral guttural rhythmic tonic tone that sounded like an organ. It added a richness to our sound. I nodded to the bear and then the moose and we kept going.

Not too long after, a squirrel walked up to us. He had two big bones in his tiny paws. I thought, "How can he lift them, they're so big and he's so little." But then he got this gleam in his eye and lifted the bones like they were toothpicks and he began beating them together. They sounded like thunder claps. His big rhythm added to the intensity of our sound. Everyone moved up a notch.

An owl flew down to the redwood tree stump. I thought, "What could the owl possibly play?" But then the owl began dancing and that's when I knew we had a band.