Houser

My pet mouse, Houser, died yesterday. I was distraught.

My friends held a funeral for Houser to help me come to terms with my grief. There was a eulogy. It was given by my cat, Tempster.

Tempter said, "It was hard for me not to eat Houser. She meant a lot to Brooks. If I followed my nature and eaten the mouse, I would have added grief to Brooks' life. So I relented, difficult as it was. Houser ended up dying of natural causes. I was surprised to find myself in tears. I was confounded. I looked deep into myself. My constant epicurial passions for mice kept me from noticing Houser's beautiful whiskers, her sweet shiny wriggling nose, her gorgeous gray coat of fur, and her incredible burrowing nature. She will be missed."

Houser RIP
5/2006 - 8/29/2009

Loan

I went to the bank to get a loan for repairs that I wanted to make to my garage. They said that my credit rating was too low. I was disappointed. They could tell and said that if I opened a new checking account and deposited $100, I would get a toaster. I couldn't believe my luck! I signed up. They gave me the toaster.

Later that night I came home. My wife asked if I got the loan. I said no. She was sad. She went to the kitchen window and looked out at the garage. There was a loud sound, followed by an explosion. She grimaced. She said the garage's roof caved in and landed on our car causing the gas tank to explode and the garage was on fire.

She asked how come I had a smile on my face. I showed her the toaster. Her face opened up into a smile and she embraced me. We danced in the glow of the light of the flames.

Text

I got a text message from the wishing well. It said, "How come you haven't come by to visit me in a while?"

I wrote, "Recently, I got most things I've been wanting. I noticed I felt no different afterwards. So I decided to stop asking."

The wishing well texted back, "What am I supposed to do now?"

I wrote back, "I know!"

Grave

I work at Rosehill cemetery. I dig graves. It's fun because I like to dig fresh dirt. The amazing thing is I never get tired. Sometimes I have to dig over twenty-five graves and my arms never get tired.

I've met other grave diggers and they tell me they get exhausted after digging ten graves, and they want to know my secret. I tell them about how much I adore the smell of fresh dirt, and the sound of the shovel cutting through the dirt and clay, and seeing the different colors of sediment. But they don't understand. They want to know my techniques of the angle of the shovel, and whether I use certain oils to lubricate the metal.

I say, "I don't know. But I know this. One day, I'll end up digging my best grave ever. And when I'm done, I'll stand over the grave, feel my life ebb, as I fall in with a sense of pride and completion."

Botanical Gardens

I was feeling weary from work today and I st0pped by the Botanical Gardens to get some peace of mind. I went to the summer gardens section. They area was filled with blooming, colorful flowers. I began to feel better. I felt so peaceful that I took off all of my clothes and ran naked around the gardens.

A family came by and were surprised to see my naked dancing body. The father shouted at me to put my clothes back on. But then his kids took off their clothes and ran around naked too. They were followed by his wife. They coaxed him to follow suit. He did.

A group of tourists came by. Some of them were rankled. But others weren't and stripped and ran around the flowers. The others felt they were now out of place and they got naked too.

More people kept coming by, and the story repeated itself.

Soon there were about a hundred of us joyfully dancing naked amidst the summer blooming.

Security came by, sirens wailing, walkie-talkies a blazing, and they began shouting, and...well, you know the story.

Last Night

Last night I went to the Pearl Jam concert. A few songs into it, I noticed the guy to my right was texting. So was the women to my left. I looked out onto the floor seats and saw multitudes of cell phones lit up as people were typing away.

I felt bad for the band since people were distracted from their performance. But then during the next song, one of the guitarists stopped playing so he could respond to a text. Then the drummer stopped and began typing. Then the singer Eddie Vedder sat down on stage and was in the midst of a texting exchange.

I walked down to the floor area, then up onto the stage. It was fun to stand there. I did a cartwheel. It was kind of half-assed, but no one noticed so it was okay.

Fuel

Today I was walking along the beach. I came upon a quail walking towards me on the sand. I was surprised because they are allusive and prefer to remain in hiding. I figured it was an omen.

I said, "Hello, what brings you out today?"

The quail said, "I need the exercise, and there was no one around...I didn't see you coming till just now."

I said, "Do you have any words of wisdom for me today?"

The quail looked up at the overcast sky and said, "sometimes the sun shines, and sometimes you can only feel it through the clouds, but that's pretty good too."

I said, "Okay, well, I appreciate it."

The quail nodded and moved on. Me too.

I wished I didn't have to approach animals for advice.

Graves

I live next door to a cemetary. Some people are freaked out by that because they associate it with the ghosts and zombies they've seen in movies.

I like the peace and calm. The dead are silent. Those who visit them are solemn, plus they only come by during the day.

Seal

I have a pet seal named Articula. I built a pool in the backyard for her to swim in. I supply it with plenty of fresh fish so she can eat to her heart's delight. Sometimes I swim with her in the pool. We chase each other around. She's a fast swimmer and I can never catch up with her.

My friends kid me. They ask why I don't get a normal pet, like a dog, cat or lizard. I don't know what to say. I'm unsure why I do what I do. Maybe that's why it's easier for me to hang out with a seal.

Interupted

Today is a vacation day for me. I drove to Michigan and I got a hotel room right off of Lake Michigan. I was sitting out by the water this afternoon. The waters were rough. When the waves crashed onto the beach I could feel their thud through the ground.

One of the waves rolled up to a few feet from me.

The wave said, "What's up?"

I said, "Nothing. I took the day off."

The wave said, "I can't imagine doing nothing. I just finished being a wave and now I'm going to evaporate. When I get bored, I'll rain. Then who knows what I'll do after that."

I said, "Well, good luck to you."

I left and went back to my hotel room. I've been working really hard lately and I didn't want to feel guilty about taking some time off to myself.

I Need to Know the Ending

Last night I went to a late night movie. It was called, "Scary? Yes!!"

During the first part of the movie, the main character goes up into his attic to investigate some sounds. He looks around. There's a crash and the light goes out. The screen is black. For the next hour, all you hear are sounds: the main character breathing heavy with fear, large animals scampering and growling, screams, silence, a gun shot, more heavy breathing, lots of "Oh, my God!", a thud, and then a long period of silence.

The tension was so strong that no one in the audience was texting. I had to use the bathroom, but couldn't make myself leave. No one talked or rustled. Someone dropped their popcorn bucket and lot of people jumped up and gasped.

That's when I noticed that the exit signs were out. They are usually lit up by the exit doors. Even the lights along the aisles were dark. I thought, "I'm in the attic." I reached to my right and felt an old damp mattress. In front of me I came upon what seemed to be a lamp. Behind me was a traveling chest. I stood up and heard floor boards creak. I felt hot breath on the back of my neck.

I ran and quickly flipped over two rows of seats. I landed on a couple. Their sodas sprayed all over me. They swore and pushed me off their laps. I landed on the ground. Ushers came in and escorted me out. I said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

I was brought outside the theater and told to never come back. I walked home. I felt like an idiot.

Since I am not allowed back, I can't see the rest of the movie, and I really need to know, and I was wondering if one of my blog readers has seen this film, and if so, can you tell me what happened? Thanks.

A Birthday

Last night I went to a friend's surprise birthday party. Everyone gathered in her backyard, waiting to surprise her. We were excited when we heard her come through the front door.

We saw her head through the kitchen window. We figured she would see us because we had a big fire going in her fire pit. Plus there was some dance music playing on a boom box. But she didn't notice us.

I was just about to go in when I saw her drink directly from a bottle of red wine. She stopped halfway and then finished it off. She knocked something over and we heard it break. She was angry and began swearing. I thought I better wait so as not to embarrass her.

She left the kitchen and went into the living room. We saw her through the sliding glass doors. She sat on the couch and started watching TV. I'm not sure, but it seemed like she was crying.

The consensus was that she was tired from a long day at work and maybe needed a little alone time. The party continued.

A half hour later someone said that she had fallen asleep with the TV on. We went in. She lay there, snoring. Someone turned off the TV. I picked her up and carried her to her bed. Someone pulled back the covers. I laid her down. Another person took off her shoes. We turned our backs as a female friend undressed her and got her in her PJ's and pulled the covers over her.

We sang a voice quiet happy birthday lullaby. We left the room and turned off the lights. Everyone went home.

Sometimes quiet and kind things make for an okay present.

How It Happened

I was interviewed on TV recently. The newscaster asked me questions about my book. I was doing okay until the interviewer asked me why I wrote the book. I couldn't remember. She asked me to close my eyes and try and remember the day I started writing. I closed my eyes.

I remembered sitting at home watching, "Leave It to Beaver". I like that show. I always makes me laugh. Halfway through the show, the power went out. I waited. About an hour passed. I got restless. I didn't know what to do. I don't read. I didn't have any friends at the time. I didn't need to get groceries. I wasn't tired enough to take a nap.

At the time I didn't have a stove. I cooked all my meals in a BBQ pit in my backyard. I had a big bag of charcoal in my kitchen. It caught my eye. I got up and went over to it. I took out a charcoal briquette. It felt good holding it in my hand. I felt compelled to write on my walls. I didn't have any posters or pictures on them so there was a lot of space. Plus it helped that I write small. I began writing my book.

I finished writing by around two am. I ended up using most of the bag of charcoal. My hands were pretty dirty. I had to wash them for about a half hour. I then took pictures of the writing, with my camera phone. I downloaded them to my computer. I found the email addresses of book publishers and sent the photos to them. About a week later a publisher contacted me and offered me a good deal and I took it.

The newscaster said it was an inspiring story. In retrospect, I can see what she meant.

What I Had to Do

A few nights ago I was flying back from Seattle. I'd reserved an aisle seat because I get claustrophobic sitting in the middle, or by the window. But the airlines screwed up and I had to sit in the middle seat. So there I was, sweating and feeling nervous.

There were a lot of babies and young tots sitting in the rows near me. They were crying and screaming. Normally I'd be okay, but the way things were, it was like fingernails and chalkboard. There was also two drunk guys to either side of me angrily complaining about the noisy youths.

I snapped into action. I pushed the button for the airline attendant. He came over. I said I wanted to apply to work on the plane. He said I could go onto their website and fill out an application. They had online access, so I set up my lap top and filled out the forms. I got a quick response. I was hired.

I called over the attendant again and showed him. He asked me to come back to the attendant's area. They had an extra work shirt with the airlines name on the chest. I put it on. He asked me to serve beverages. I went down the aisle serving sodas, water, coffee, beer and mixed drinks.

I got to the area that I had been sitting at. The babies were still crying. I made faces. I sang silly songs. I did a cartwheel. The babies and tots were quiet. They started to smile. I got everyone in that section to sing, "All Together Now" by the Beatles. Soon everyone on the plane was singing along. Even the captain got on the intercom and chimed in.

One of the drunk guys got up to dance. But he didn't have balance, so he fell over. I served him some coffee. He sobered up and apologized to everyone. He said he'd hit bottom and wanted to change his ways. Some woman said she was an alcoholic and in AA and she gave him some flyers and started talking with him about the first step.

I continued serving beverages. When I got back to the attendant's station, the other attendants said I was a natural. I thanked them and said I really enjoyed my time working with them.

I changed back into my shirt and went back to my seat. The babies and tots were napping. The now sober guy was sitting in the middle seat. He smiled and said, "I noticed you were sweating and unhappy in the middle." I said, "Thank you."

Last night I took a walk along Lake Michigan. The lake was placid. My mind relaxed. I sat down on the sand.

A pelican landed next to me.

I said, "What a nice night."

The pelican said, "Not for me. When there's no wind, I have to flap my wings frantically. There are no currents of wind to ride on."

I said, "Well, can you not go anywhere for now?"

The pelican said, "I guess. I mean it's not like I have to be some place."

The Convention

I was in Seattle the past week. I was at a bear convention. There were about 75 of us in attendance. The first three days we went to meetings. We had guest lecturers talk about the different kinds of bears and their habits.

The last day we all went out to the woods in search of bears. It was scary. We'd previously only seen bears in movies and at the zoo.

A couple of hours into it a grizzly bear came out from behind some trees. We got so flustered that we couldn't remember if we were supposed to lay down and play dead, or run for our lives. So some of us screamed, some passed out, and a few of us ran right into trees. The grizzly stood there in awe of our confusion.

I was the biggest idiot. I smeared honey all over my body, made buzzing sounds, and flapped my arms really fast. The bear saw me, shook its head and walked away. I think he probably thought we were rabid and didn't want to catch it.

Last Night

I couldn't sleep. I got out my sleeping pills and took two. Nothing happened. I took more, but to no avail. I took a handful. Nothing. There were no more pills left in the bottle. I was so angry at my doctor for not prescribing me a higher dosage.

Then I realized I had mistakenly been eating Tums and figured now was a great time to order a pizza.

Opening for Dylan

I was fired as the opening act for the Bruce Springsteen "Working On A Dream Tour" a month ago and thought that would be my last opportunity to open for a rock band. But a week ago I was invited to be the opening act for the Bob Dylan summer ballpark tour.

Last night we performed in Rockford Illinois at the Diesels, a minor league team, Ball Park. I came out on stage and told my stories and played harmonica. About five minutes into my set, Bob came out on stage. I started exiting the stage because I figured he was coming on stage to do his set, but he motioned me to stay put. I had no idea what was on his mind.

He came up to the mic, put his arm around my shoulder, grinned, and started telling a joke. "A duck and an elephant meet each other through an Internet dating site. They went out the next night to a restaurant. They talked over onion ring appetizers and got along really well. Each was excited about the prospects. The elephant excused itself to use the restroom. When he came back, the duck was gone. He thought she was in the ladies room, so he waited. About fifteen minutes went by and he figured she left. He was discouraged and got up to leave. The waiter came to the table with a plate of food. The elephant said to the waiter, "What's this?" The waiter said, "It's your dinner...It's duck.""

Dylan chuckled. No one in the audience laughed. He was angry. I thought I was going to get fired from this show too. I whispered a line to him. He leaned into the mic and said, "The elephant was horrified...but also hungry, so he ate the meal and it was delicious!!" The audience laughed. Bob smiled. I kept my job for another night.