Trips

I arrived at the Buffalo Niagara International Airport early this evening. It was raining. I waited an hour for a cab. My cab got caught in traffic on the freeway. I finally got to my hotel around 11 pm. I took a really long shower. I laid down on the bed. I cried.

I am so tired of traveling. I was in Bombay yesterday. On Saturday I was in Devonshire, England. A week ago I was in Ireland. And before that, Aruba. So many places. I won an around the world travel package from Delta Airlines a month ago. The contest asked for people to come up with a new tag line for their ads. I wrote, "Do you need to get somewhere? Well, this is faster than walking!"

Oh Well

I got frustrated and threw everything I own into a fire pit. I watched it go up in flames. It was exciting to see the big conflagration.

But when the fire went out I felt pretty dumb. I thought, "What the hell was that about?"

Then I got distracted and entranced by the moon. I'd never seen it look so bright and shiny. I noticed it was looking at me. I felt happy for the first time in months.

The Moon said, "How's it going?"

I got nervous and said, "Um, it's all good."

God, I never say that. I still can't believe I get flustered by celebrities.

Discussion

The tree said, "I'm done being a tree."

The bird said, "Well, what am I going to land on?"

The tree said, "I hadn't thought of that...I guess I'll stay a tree."

The bird said, "Thank you very much."

A Break

I went swimming this morning. I got about a mile off shore. I stopped, treaded water and looked around. All I could see was water. I felt peaceful.

Then a fish came to the surface. I think it was a tuna.

The fish said, "Nice day for a swim."

I said, "I agree."

The fish said, "What are you doing all the way out here?"

I said, "I've been feeling overwhelmed. I swam out here for a break."

The fish said, "Oh. Well, I hope it helps. Bye."

The fish swam away. It was quiet again. I was glad. He was starting to irritate me.

Fear

The blimp flew over my house. It was in flames.

I thought, "What if it landed on my home? The disaster would be huge!"

I got out the hose, turned it on and waited.

Ten years later, the blimp has not landed. But I flooded the land.

New Job

I recently got a job playing baseball for the Chicago Cubs. I'm a designated hitter. It's kind of fun because I get paid to hit a ball. Plus, I'm kind of lazy, so it's nice to spend lots of time sitting in the dugout waiting. When it's my turn, I stand, pick up a bat and walk to the plate. It's exciting to look out onto the field. I can never figure out how they get the grass so bright green. I pay my landscaper a lot of money to make my lawn look that good and it always comes out a kind of tired pastel greenish amalgam.

Walking

I couldn't get a flight back from Los Angeles to Chicago. So I walked.

At first I walked along the freeway. That was difficult because the top speed of the cars racing past me made me afraid I would be run over. I tried rationalizing that they wouldn't actually hit me. But then a truck would roar by and the wind would blow me and my suitcase onto the grass along the freeway.

Luckily I soon found a side road that ran northwest through the desert. A car came by about every fifteen minutes. Sometimes they would stop and offer me a ride. But I'm too cautious to get in a stranger's car.

One of the nice surprises was an armadillo that started walking along next to me soon after I crossed the border of Utah. First, I'd never seen one that wasn't a photograph or stuffed. Second, they are great companions because they adapt your pace and the camaraderie gave me strength.

Colorado was difficult because of the mountains. Also I got so hungry that I was forced to cook and eat the armadillo.

Nebraska, Iowa and Illinois were flat and I got lost in my thoughts. That made the time pass quickly and I soon found myself back in my apartment in Chicago.

The next day I wanted some bread to make a sandwich. The grocery store is only two blocks away. The funny thing is I drove.

Lottery

Trying to win the lottery is like standing in line with 3 million people and hoping you're first in line.

Cave

I went for a walk in the woods behind my home.

I came upon a cave. I decided to explore. I walked in. I discovered some stalactites and stalagmites. I found a small pond. And then I happened upon a bear. I was scared.

I said, "Hi."

The bear said, "Hello, how's it going?"

I said, "Good. Just out for a walk...."

The bear said, "Excellent...Um, don't worry, I'm not going to eat you."

I said, "Thanks. I'm glad."

The bear said, "I had a deer earlier this morning."

I said, "Bad for the deer, good for me."

The bear laughed.

I said, "I better go since it's getting close to lunch."

The bear smiled. He looked at me silently.

I thought, "I wish I hadn't said that."

Lucky

This morning I brought my dog, Lucky, down to the dock and we took my boat out to the harbor. I anchored and we sat and looked out at the water in silence.

After a few minutes, Lucky said, "You seem glum."

I said, "Yes, I was hoping sitting here would help it pass."

A few minutes went by.

Lucky said, "Has it passed?"

I looked around inside. I said, "Yes!"

Lucky said, "Good, now can you take me for a walk?"

It Turned Out to be Okay

I sat under the big elm. I looked up at the sky. Birds flew in amazing concentric circles. The clouds smiled at me. A chipmunk came by and shook my hand. Ants walked by and said, "Don't worry, we won't climb on you."

I felt better about my TV being busted.

Wealth

Whenever I eat Lucky Charms, I win the lottery. The grocery store found out and charges me a million dollars a box.

So, everything is back to normal.

Space

I'm writing to you from space. I spent three years building this rocket ship. It successfully launched on Friday. I love it up here! There is so much space. Plus it feels like I have all the time in the world. I just got done speaking with my girlfriend from the ship's radio. I told her what I just told you. She says I'm crazy. She said I could have these things back on Earth. But I think she just misses me.

Fixing It

I woke with a limp in my right leg.

I thought back to last night to see what might be the cause. "Let's see, I sleep on the top level of a bunk bed and I woke up in the middle of the night and I forgot to use the ladder and fell off and landed on my right leg. But earlier in the evening I was talking on the phone with my girlfriend and I got tangled up in the phone cord and I tripped and fell down the basement stairs. But then previously I went to the mailbox and and sifted through the day's mail and I looked down and saw the boulder I had ordered had arrived and I carried it to the backyard and when I found the spot that I wanted it at, I dropped the boulder but it landed against my right ankle. I wonder..."

I rubbed my ankle. It was sore.

Then I remembered earlier yesterday when my car broke down while driving on the tollway. I couldn't get cell phone reception. I decided to take a short cut through the woods. I walked for miles. I got lost and was exhausted and dehydrated. I decided to drink from a stream. I was sipping away when I looked to my right and saw a caribou lapping away. I'd never seen a caribou. It was huge. We both finished drinking.

The caribou said, "I haven't seen you around here. Are you lost?"

I said, "Yes. Could you help me? I need to find a service station."

The caribou said, "Of course. Get on."

I climbed on its back. We rode for a couple of miles. The caribou stopped at the edge of the woods. In the clearing I saw a service station. The caribou lowered to the ground. I climbed off. I thanked the caribou. She wished me luck.

I walked to the service station. I told them my situation. The drove me in a tow truck to my car. They towed my car back and worked on it. I waited. I noticed there was a stone in my right shoe. I figured it came from the woods. I took off my shoe and shook out the stone. I noticed my right foot was red where the stone was rubbing against it. Maybe that's the reason.

I decided to stop reminiscing about yesterday to try and find the culprit. I figured it would be easier to take care of my leg so it would feel better.

Sitting Out on the Porch

I sat out on my porch last night. The night sky was clear. It was like the stars were putting on a show for me. I smoked my pipe and relaxed.

An owl flew down to the railing on the porch.

The owl said, "Good evening, sir."

I said, "Good evening, Mr. Owl."

We sat silently, gazing at the sky.

I said, "I don't know what's more astonishing...the vast array of constellations, or the fact that you spoke."

The owl took out a pipe, lit it, and smoked.

The owl said, "Yes, the world is an amazing place."

The Pond

I have a pond in my backyard. In the middle of the pond is a whirlpool. Sometimes a duck will land in the pond, and before it figures it out, it gets sucked down into the whirlpool.

I haven't gone swimming in there. Sometimes I sit on the edge and dangle my feet in the pond. I feel the suction want to pull me in. It adds a little bit of excitement to my day.

Zen

The sound of one hand clapping is the sound of the next nearest thing being hit.