Simplifying

I sat around the table with the ghosts of Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Clara Barton, George Washington Carver, and Sitting Bull. I asked if anyone was hungry. They all said yes. I called for a pizza delivery from Giordano's. It arrived an hour later. Everyone enjoyed it.

It's easier to order out rather than cook when trying to entertain guests.

Oh, that's why

If you think your life is a miserable waste of time and things never work out, well, there's probably a very good chance that's the reason why.

Discussion While Bathing

I was taking a bath and I said to the bathwater, "You're amazing. Sometimes you're rain, other times you're a tear. Yesterday you were a glass of water served to me at a restaurant for lunch. How do you do it? Do you decide ahead of time and make plans? Or do you improvise in the moment?"

The water said to me, "I'm not aware of anything but being your bathwater."

The Power of Then

I've written a book called The Power of Then. It's about how wonderful it is to spend time reminiscing about the past. You learn how to gaze in a trance at old artifacts, joyfully bemoan lost opportunities, and lustfully daydream about how things could have been.

Why would you want to be in the present? Things as they are suck! But the past...ahhhh, that's the once present aged to perfection.

Here's some reviews of my book:

"Palmer's book made me realize my insatiable desire for nostalgia was worth the expense of my well being." Kirkus Book Reviews

"The magic of "The Power of Then" is in helping the reader see that 'right now' is a waste of time unless it's used to recycle previous right nows." New York Times Book Review

Current Circumstances

I won a cow in a raffle last night. I brought it home and put it in my guest room. In the morning I was thirsty for breakfast, so I tried milking it. I got about a cup's worth. The milk was delicious. I've named the cow Marjorie. I wish I hadn't because it's interfering with my plans for lunch.

Financial Information

Trying to win the lottery is like standing in line with twenty million people and hoping you're first in line.

Insight

I believe there's a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.
But it hasn't rained for 14 years.

Frustrated

I was feeling frustrated with the way things were going. So I climbed the mountain side. When I reached the top, I walked to the Guru's cave. The Guru said, "Yes, my son, what seems to be the problem?"

I said, "I'm feeling frustrated. I'm working really hard and nothing seems to be going my way."

The Guru thought about it. He said, "Yes, you're right. Nothing is going your way. If I were you, I would be frustrated too."

I left. I climbed back down the hill. I went home. When I got there, my wife said, "We'll, what did he say?"

I said, "He agreed with you."

She said, "Good. Can we stop talking about it now?"

I said, "Yes."

Change of Pace

Recently I took a job as the President of J. Walter Thompson. They are an advertising agency in Chicago. They do ads for Bayer and the Marines Corp. I had to approve ad campaigns and budgets and make policy decisions. The best part was my office was on the top floor with a view overlooking the lake. Sometimes I'd sit at my desk and look out the window for hours.

Yesterday I was looking out the window when I spotted a seal. They are a rare sight in Lake Michigan. It soon became apparent that the seal was looking up at me. I actually did one of those looking behind me to see if the seal was looking at someone else look. The seal shook its head and pointed its flipper at me.

I took my private elevator downstairs. I went outside and walked to the lake shore. I rented a canoe and paddled my way out to where the seal was. I got up next to the seal.

I said, "Yes?"

The seal said, "Jippy, don't you recognize me?"

I looked and tried to remember. And then I thought, "Oh, yeah. I'm a seal. I took my current job for a change of pace." I took off my suit revealing my seal body. I jumped into the lake and swam and ate fish. It was nice to be home.

Breakfast

This morning I got up early, picked up my fishing pole and walked down to the stream to catch breakfast. An hour went by and I hadn't caught anything.

Across the stream I saw an antelope. It was eating from a box of Cheerios. The antelope noticed me and held up the box, basically inviting me over to join him. I waded over. The antelope held out the box and I grabbed a handful of cereal. I ate it. I grabbed another handful and put it in my pocket. I nodded thank you and waded back over and went back home.

My wife greeted me. She said, "Did you catch anything?"

I reached in my pocket and pulled out the Cheerios. I put it in a bowl and got some milk from the fridge. I added a spoon and handed it to her. She started eating it.

She said, "Thanks, this is delicious!"

Our Day

I took the day off. I sat on the edge of the river behind my home. I watched the river flow.

A bear on a raft came down the river. The bear winked at me. I smiled and waved.

Later that evening, my wife asked me about my day. I told her about the bear. She told me she saw a bear shopping at the grocery store.

It's nice to have someone to share the experiences of the day.

Saturday Night

I was hanging out with my girlfriend.

She kept making fun of my blog posts, and erasing them before I could finish them.

She and I are really the only people who read them, so I suppose I should lighten up.

Filling a Hole

I was tired of things not working out. So I paid a local handyman to build a wishing well in my backyard. When it was completed I went out to the well and thought about a wish. Then I tossed in a nickel.

By the end of the week I had won the lottery; I met, fell in love with and married the woman of my dreams; and I became twenty years younger. However I felt disappointment because none of these fulfilled the criteria of my wish.

Later that night, I couldn't sleep. I took a flashlight and went out to the wishing well. I shined a light into the water down below. I saw my shiny nickel reflecting back at me.

I said, "Excuse me, Wishing Well. I'm wondering if there is a problem?"

The Wishing Well said, "How do you mean?"

I said, "I made a wish. Where is it?"

The Wishing Well said, "Ah, what was your wish again?"

I said, "To not care if things work out."

The Wishing Well said, "Oh, yes. Right. Um, I'm sorry it hasn't happened yet. Sometimes things take time. I'll try harder. Can you give me at least a month?"

Oh well

People will trust you up to the moment you set their home on fire.
But they will forgive you if you are a fireman.

Priorities

Anything that takes me away from sleep is an inconvenience.
Unless it's a job that allows me to buy a better bed.

Early

I woke up this morning at 2 am. I heard some noises outside. I put on my bathrobe and went out to my backyard. I saw that the grass and trees and plants were having conversations with each other. They saw that I was looking at them and they stopped.

I said, "Hi, sorry to disturb you. I was sleeping and got woken up and I was just wondering if you could keep it down."

The elm tree said, "Oh, we're sorry. Sometimes we get excited about what we're talking about and we forget."

I said, "That's okay. I understand. Well, good night." I began to walk back.

A blade of grass said, "Um, one thing...could you perhaps water us a couple days a week rather than once? It's just, you know, we can use it and we'll be greener, and I think you'd like that."

I said, "Yes, sure. I can do that...Anything else?"

A shrub said, "Yes, thanks for letting us live on your yard. It's nice here."

The willow tree said, "Yeah, thanks."

I stood there and smiled. I walked to the middle of the backyard. I found a soft spot on the ground. I laid down. A patch of grass by my head sang a lullaby. I fell asleep.

Survey Results

I was watching CNN. The Newscaster said there was a survey. They found that 80% of the time for men at work was spent thinking about sex. Then he smiled. So I knew what he was thinking about.

As I'm typing this, it's 90%.

ser97h 39s0 sadrjls sefffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

That was 100%.

But the funny thing is, when I'm having sex, it's only 5%.

What Was on TV

I sat down with my breakfast to watch TV. There was a movie on about a boy and a wolf. The boy was lost in the desert and the wolf helped him survive. The wolf helped him catch food and slept next to him at night to keep him warm. Sometimes they walked together and didn't say anything.

Suddenly I realized it was night. The movie was still on. Ten hours had gone by. I was confused. What was this movie I was watching? I tried switching the channel but the movie didn't change. I tried to turn the TV off, but it stayed on. I unplugged it. Nothing.

I sat back to watch the movie. The boy and the wolf sat by a fire. The wolf looked towards me. I breathed deeply. I got up and walked through the screen. I sat down on the ground. It was just me and the wolf. Soon the fire went out. I laid down to sleep. The wolf laid against me. I fell asleep.

change

I was feeling frustrated. I went for a walk. I came apon a robin pulling a worm out of the earth. The robin ate the worm.

The robin looked at me and said, "Why so glum?"

I said, "I'm feeling frustrated. Nothing seems to be working out. I wish my life was as simple as yours."

The robin said, "Okay."

I turned into a robin. I flew into the air. I started laughing. I felt care free and light. I coasted on the wind. I flew back to the ground.

I said, "Thanks, this is the best thing that ever could have happened to me."

The robin said, "Sure, no problem." The robin went looking for another worm.

I thought, "Oh, no."

thought while standing in line

I became a better me the day I was born.

Meeting

I came home tonight and found a huge hole in my apartment's floor where my bed used to be. I looked down the twenty-one floors. I saw a big black rock. There was smoke coming off it. I'd never seen one before, but I was sure it was a meteor.

I went downstairs to get a closer look. There were other people down there from the apartment building. We were amazed to find out that no one had been hurt. I gave my iPhone to someone and climbed on top of the rock. They took a picture of me doing a muscle pose.

I went back upstairs. I turned off the lights and laid down on my couch. I looked at the light coming from the hole. I thought how up till tonight I'd never really spoken with anyone in my building.

Request

I went to the wishing well. I made a wish and threw in a nickle. I went back home. I took a nap.

I was woken by a phone call from a radio station. They asked me if I knew who wrote and sang, "Runaway". I said Del Shannon. I was right and I won a car. I took the bus to the radio station and picked up my car. I drove it to the wishing well.

I went up the wishing well and said, "You know, I asked for an iron to help me with my wrinkled shirts. I don't know if you had something to do with the car. It's nice. I appreciate it if you did. Anyway, I'm probably just impatient. It hasn't yet been a day since I asked. Sorry. Okay, bye."

I went back home. I laid down on my bed and looked out the window at the setting sun. There was a knock at my door. I answered it. It was my neighbor. She said she was moving and in packing saw she had two irons and thought of me. She gave me an iron.

Difficult

The moonlight lit up my bedroom. It was keeping me from falling asleep. I got out of bed, stuck my head out the window and yelled up at the Moon, "Hey!"

The Moon woke up. It said, "What? Huh?!"

I pointed to the light. I said, "Can you keep it down, you're keeping me awake."

The Moon said, "Thanks, now I can't sleep."

I laid back in bed. I felt guilty. Damn, it's hard to stand up for yourself.