My New Job

As you remember from yesterday's blog, I got a job working for Burton's Gentleman's magazine. I was hired as a writer. I'm working for Edgar Allen Poe. I took my time machine back to Richmond in 1839 and began my first full day of work.

I was assigned to write about a law that was passed that allows women to own property. Poe wanted me to slant it to point out the law's "absurdity."

I said, "Change is inevitable. When it's circumscribed, we wear ourselves down in useless turmoil."

He said, "Your foolish temperament is the definition of impudence!"

I thought about the time difference and said, "You're probably right."

My Interesting Evening

Last night I was bored. I got in my time machine and set it for 1839, Richmond, Virginia. Ten seconds later I arrived.

I got out and walked around. On Purn Avenue I found the offices of Burton's Gentleman's Magazine. I went in. A man at a desk asked me how he could help me. I asked if I could get a job. The man asked me about my writing skills history. I said I write a journal called Better Late Than Dead and it has a readership of over a couple thousand people. He was impressed and hired me.

He said, "What's your name?"

I said, "Brooks Palmer."

He said, "My name is Edgar Allen Poe."

I thought, "Oh, wow."

Adventures on the Road

This is day 21 of the Bruce Springsteen tour. I've been having a great time as the opening act. Tonight Bruce let me join his band onstage. I played harmonica on "Glory Days".

Afterwards I was at 7-11 getting a cherry Slurpee. The guy in line behind me goes, "I know you. You were onstage at the Bruce show. Oh, man, I can't believe it!" He ran out to the parking lot. He came back in with seven other guys. They were equally excited. I signed some autographs. They bought me three more Slurpees. I've never drank that many. I've been peeing about every five minutes.

Graven's Field

I was stressed from working all day. I went for a walk. I walked down the street. Pretty soon I'd walked a few miles. I waited at the corner for the light to change. A bus pulled up next to me. The bus driver opened the door.

I said, "Where is this bus going?"

He said, "The end of the line is Graven's Field."

I got on. I rode 45 minutes. I got off. The bus pulled away. It was just me standing at the edge of Graven's Field. It's a vast open park. I walked into it. There is one path that curves through the miles of fields of tall grass. It was night. I heard some geese overhead. I was tired and laid down in the grass. I fell asleep quickly.

I woke to sunshine. There were two vultures looking down at me from the tree above. They looked disappointed.

End Time

I've guessed the exact time and date of my death. I'm selling tickets to it. You can only buy tickets in advance though because the day of the show the money will mean nothing to me.

My New Friends

I got back home last night from being in LA for a week. I opened the door to my apartment and was startled to see a Raccoon, a Skunk, and an Antelope watching television. They were surprised to see me too.

The animals were about to run away when I said, "It's okay. You can stay. What are you watching?"

The Skunk said, "Midnight Run, have you seen it?"

I said, "Yes, I love that movie!"

I set down my luggage and watched the rest of the movie with them. When it was over we talked about the parts we liked. I said, "Did you know most of the dialogue of the movie was improvised?"

The Antelope said, "I didn't know Deniro was so good at comedy."

The Raccoon said, "I like Charles Grodin. I wish he still acted in movies."

I said, "Well, I'm kind of tired from traveling. You should probably go so I can get some sleep...Would you like to meet again next Tuesday for a movie?"

They said, "Yes!!!"

I Got What I Wanted

I took another break from work in LA. I went for a walk in the desert. Suddenly there was an earthquake. I fell to the ground. I watched in fear as the cactus swayed around me.

The earth cracked open. I looked down and could see magma in the center of the earth. It was a beautiful orange. I got a quarter out of my pocket, threw it into the crevice and made a wish. The earthquake stopped. I smiled.

An aardvark was watching me from a few feet away. The aardvark said, "What did you just do?"

I said, "I wished that the earth would stop shaking so I could watch the quarter melt into the lava."

Friendly Encounter

I took a break from work in Los Angeles and went for a walk in the woods in a local park. I was walking down a path when a butterfly flew in front of my face and introduced itself.

The butterfly said, "Hi, how are you?"

I said, "Hi, I'm pretty good. How about you?"

The butterfly said, "I'm great. I'm enjoying my day."

I said, "Me too. I love the constant sunshine here. It's like you live a few feet from the sun. I came here from Chicago. I'm thawing out."

The butterfly said, "I have some relatives that live in Chicago. They are always asking me to come and visit them. But I'm afraid that my wings would freeze and break off. It would be difficult trying to get around on these spindly legs."

I took a look. I said, "Those are nice legs."

The butterfly said, "Why, thanks!!"

Trip Preparations

I'm leaving for Los Angeles today for the second part of my Clutter Busting book tour. I'm taking a break from packing. Here's what I'm bringing with me so far:

1. My hummingbird feather filled pillow. Being on the road can be stressful. But not when my head rests on this softest of cushions.

2. My lucky pound of dirt. I've had it since I was three.

3. A bowling ball and a set of pins. I like to set it up in the hotel's hallway. I'll play a couple of games. It's the perfect release after a long day of flying or press interviews.

4. Inflatable Gumby.

Wish Bone

Six months ago I was eating chicken and accidentally swallowed a wish bone. It got stuck in my throat. It's still there. I don't want to pull it out because it could break and I might get the smaller piece.

My Business in Washington, DC

A family inheritance left me the title to Ford's Theater in Washington, DC. It's well known for the place President Lincoln was assassinated. I'm not one for cherishing the past so I had the theater transformed into a multi-plex 16 screen movie theater.

To appease the Lincoln fans' protests about the changes, I have a daily 3D screening of the movie, "Lincoln's Favorite Day." It's about Saturday March 17, 1834. Lincoln was 23. He had the day off from his logging job. He took a stroll through the woods. He laid down by a stream and took a nap. He woke up and found a bear sniffing his head. He was scared and thought it might be the end of his life. But then he remembered the pork sandwich in his knapsack. He slowly took it out and held it in front of the bear's nose. The bear liked the scent. He sat down and ate the sandwich. Lincoln realized the bear was now full and was not distracted by the desire to eat him. He patted the bear's head. They became fast friends and remained so for the rest of Lincoln's life.

In the final scene of the movie, Lincoln went with the bear to a play at Ford's Theater. Halfway through the show Lincoln got assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. The bear chased, caught and ate Booth.

If you're visiting DC, tell the box office person you are a reader of this blog, and you'll get in for half price.

Helpful

If you live your life like a log floating down a river, people will say you're lazy.

But at least you won't catch fire.

Our Pet

I own a pet Rhino. Her name is Sheila. She sleeps most of the day. She mostly eats grass from the backyard. Her figure is imposing. She weighs over a ton. But she walks with great delicacy. When she brushes up against me it feels like tall blowing grass. On Christmas she doesn't mind letting me drape her with garland and putting a Santa hat on her head.

She is part of the family. When my kids come home from work, Sheila greets them at the door. She happily lets them ride around the backyard on her back. She sleeps at the foot of my wife and mine's bed. Her deep breathing lulls us into a deep sleep ourselves.

And to think this all occurred by a mistake. Five years ago my family and I went to the local pound. There was a bald mutt puppy that everyone was overlooking. We fell for her. We took her home that day. We were surprised over the next few weeks when her hair didn't grow back and she increased greatly in size. A few months later we brought her to the vet and he told us the truth of the situation. He said we could donate her to the local zoo. We conferenced and decided that she was staying with us.

Joined Together

I bought some land. It was 48 acres. There were no trees on the property. There were no mountains in the distance. When I stood on the dirt it felt like my property went on forever. That's why I bought it.

I got out my tent and set it up on the land. I lay down on the inside. I looked up through the mesh at the night sky. The stars were my night lights. I fell asleep.

I woke up with the sunrise. I rolled out of the tent and stood up and saw that I was surrounded by trees, a mountain and a river. I could no longer see far in the distance. I was upset.

One of the trees said, "Y0u look angry."

I said, "Yes, I am! I bought this land because of the open space. Now I'm going to have to buy an axe and a shovel and get to work leveling the place."

The tree said, "Wow, that's going to be a lot of work. Okay, well is there anyway I can help?"

The mountain said, "I'd like to help too."

The river said, "Me too!"

I sat down. I smiled. I said, "No, this is good. I want you all to stay."

Better Late Than Dead

One of my blog readers emailed me and asked, "So, what's the meaning of "Better Late than Dead?"

Thanks for the question. When I was six I was getting ready for my first day of Kindergarten. I was nervous. I was shy around others. I was scared of the unknown.

My mom walked me to the bus stop. She sensed my apprehension and held my hand. She said, "Everyone's scared of their first day of anything new. I got a job driving buses when I was fifteen. It was my first job. I was terrified. I had never driven a car. I was scared of buses. I thought everyone would make fun of me. But they gave me the bus keys and suddenly everything felt right." The story didn't help. I felt worse.

We got to the bus stop. There were kids and their moms standing and waiting. One of the kids was puking. Another kid was punching a kid who was crying. One girl had a hard time breathing and her mom was trying to get her to relax and inhale. I panicked. I looked to my mom. She said, "See, you're not the only one."

I said, "Mom, none of your advice is helping. I don't feel any better."

She said, "Don't worry, Brooks. There's no hurry. Sometimes things don't make sense till later in life. Better late than dead."

This Morning, So Far...

I never drank coffee. But today I had my first cup. It tasted awful. But I felt great. I was full of whimsy!

I ran out of the coffee shop and down the sidewalk. I skipped! I couldn't believe my enthusiasm. I sang out loudly, "It's a beautiful day! Everyone is happy! Look at the sun shining on me! I don't feel crappy!"

Some guy yelled at me from his car window, "Hey, get a room!"

I smiled and gave him the finger.

I ran into the street and dodged cars. People honked and skidded. I was unscathed.

At a stop light I danced on the hoods of stopped cars. I whistled and did cartwheels. I heard a driver swear at me. A woman from the sidewalk said, "Oh, my God!" A girl standing next to her had her mouth hanging open and her ice cream fell off the cone.

I ran back to the sidewalk. I shook passing strangers' hands. An older person thought I was running for office and said they would vote for me.

I went into the bank and opened 12 checking accounts and got a free toaster. I went to local grocer's, bought a loaf of bread, plugged in the toaster and toasted two slices. They were delicious.

A minute later I was exhausted. I lay on the ground. I felt guilt for my actions. I cried. How could I have let myself do this? I smelled coffee brewing. I stood straight up. I drank a cup. I ran back out into the street!

My Morning Walk

I took the morning off and walked along the beach. It felt good to breathe in the sea air. I looked off into the horizon and forgot about my cares.

I was soon distracted by the smell of sulfur. I looked back to the land and saw that the volcano was erupting. Bright orange lava was flowing from the mountain top and heading in my direction.

I remembered back to a pretend lava kit that my dad and I got from Radio Shack when I was a kid. We put it together in the basement. We added the chemicals and instantly smoke and a lava like substance came out of the plastic mountain. It set off the fire alarm. The neighbors heard the sound and called the fire department.

The firemen busted down our front door carrying fire hoses. They sprayed everything with water. My mom screamed at them to stop. My dog bit a fireman. My dad punched a fireman. I continued watching the lava because I knew it would be put out soon and I didn't want to miss a single second.

I came back to the real lava on the island. It was a few feet from me. The beauty of the luminous orange brought tears to my eyes. To be safe I went into the water. I treaded. It watched the lava flow into the sea. Steam rose like a geyser.

Work

I inherited a hair dryer business from my father. It's located in Yugoslavia. I had to move there to take over the day to day operations. It was a difficult three months. I didn't speak the language. The employees didn't trust me. I had a hard time getting used to the time difference.

Finally I had it and decided to quit and sell the business. I called in all the employees and with the help of my interpreter told them my decision.

The main supervisor Eldon said, "Why?"

I said, "I'm exhausted, I'm doing a crappy job, it's always cold, I can't sleep, I hate hair dryers, I don't like being in charge, I can't learn your crazy language, you people are driving me nuts, none of you like me -"

Eldon laughed. So did the rest of the 125 employees. I didn't understand why. Pretty soon I was laughing. This went on for about ten minutes.

It quieted down. The employees went back to work. I went back to my desk. Things have been great since.

Where I Live

I live in a glacier in upper Alaska. It's called Cullen Glacier. It's on Brooks peninsula. That's just coincidence. I carved out a space in the glacier the size of a studio apartment. I made a bed of Do Do feathers. It's a prehistoric bird that I found buried in the ice.

The first two weeks living in the glacier was hard. I felt lonesome. I was surprised because I was certain I didn't like people. I would cry myself to sleep at night and then have to spend a long time in the morning thawing off the ice from my face. But then one day a park ranger came by and fined me for not having the proper park permits and I was okay about being alone again.

Breakfast With Ambrose

This morning I was eating breakfast in the solarium when the ghost of Ambrose Bierce came in and sat down with me.

He said, "Good morning. I'm Ambrose Bierce. How are your eggs?"

I said, "They are delicious. And the potatoes are incredibly soft, yet firm."

Ambrose said, "I could never cook the perfect potato. They were either hard or mushy."

I said, "Believe it or not I microwaved these. I set it to six minutes and wait. Suddenly I get the inspiration to turn off the microwave. I take them out. They are majestic."

Ambrose said, "I had the same ability with cauliflower. I put the vegetable in a pot of water. I started the fire. I would also wait. Then came the inspiration. I removed the pot from the fire. It was perfect. Many folks were astonished. I could never explain the mechanics behind the process."

I cried. Ambrose waited till I finished.

Ambrose said, "Well, best of the day to you."

I said, "You too."